Parker's Pov:
I laid in the room with my arm over my eyes for a while before a knock on the door drew my attention. I slowly sat up as the door opened and Dr. Matella entered the room. She ignored me while grabbing her supplies for another cast. Once everything was set up she rolled the tray over to where I sat.
"Want to tell me why you lied?" She raised an eyebrow.
I snorted. "I took my cast off. Why do you think I lied?"
"Okay. I can see you took it off, but what I can't figure out is why you were in the blood bank. Or why you took the cast off when I told you that you needed to be in it for 6 weeks."
"Because I'm not a fucking human. It should be healed already."
"You know as well as I do that a weak Omega cannot heal the same as a higher rank."
"Did you just call me weak?"
"Not in the way you are taking it. You were severely dehydrated and malnourished when you got hurt. Making your wolf weak. Too weak to heal you."
"Yeah well I don't understand how I had a Beta's healing abilities and now I all of a sudden don't."
"Because your wolf is a mimic. You were around a Beta for a long time and you and your wolf assumed you would get that position. That caused your wolf to be able to basically copy the aura and the healing capabilities of a Beta. Your wolf knows he's a Luna and has gone back to his Omega abilities. Now again, why were you in the blood bank?"
"You as well as I know exactly why."
"I honestly don't."
"Why would I ask you, right before, what my blood type was?"
Her eyes widened in realization. "You were going to try to find Alpha blood?"
"Ding ding ding... We have a winner." I mocked.
"Do you understand what would have happened if you had taken Alpha blood into your system?"
"I'd be healed. I don't care about the rest."
She sighed. "You would have made Alpha Ryan have to rape you in order for your wolf to submit and understand that you are the submissive in the relationship."
"And?" I jerked my arm away from where she could reach.
She paused. "You can't honestly want that. Can I please have your arm to put a new cast on?"
"No."
"Parker... you are not making any of this any easier. I cannot let you leave without a new cast."
I mocked her. "Get out."
"No. I can't. I have orders from Al-"
"I. Do. Not. Care. I said no. You cannot touch me." I smirked.
She ripped her gloves off and pushed the cart back to where it had been. "You know what? Fine. I will let Alpha deal with you."
She stormed out of the room, past David and Chris who looked in and both sighed when they saw I wasn't in a new cast. They came into the room.
"You know... You aren't making anything better by refusing to let her do her job."
I shrugged and picked at one of the scabs on my wrist. "I am so over that stupid cast. I don't want it."
"Don't pick at your scabs. Why were you trying to steal Alpha blood?"
"To heal." I mumbled.
"So you could go join the fight?"
I shook my head. "No. I just want Lyla. I wanted to heal and go be with her."
"Why?"
I chewed on my lip. "I got her daughter attached to me and because of that connection she was killed. Derek was planning on killing Connor, the least I could do was be there for Lyla when she gets the justice she and Maddi deserve and then I was..." I cut myself off.
"You were what?"
"Nothing. I was gonna come back after that."
Chris eyed me for a while. "That's not what you were going to say."
I shrugged and looked away.
"Ryan told me about your breakdown at the funeral. Were you planning on taking your own life?"
They stepped closer to me and Chris moved so I could meet his eyes.
"I don't know. I didn't really plan anything past getting to Lyla."
"Parker..."
"I don't know! Maybe! Everyone would probably be better off without me around fucking everything up and making everyone worry."
Chris inhaled sharply and quickly left the room. I sighed and closed my eyes.
"I'm sorry for upsetting your mate." I whispered to David.
He sighed and dragged a chair over so that he could sit. "He went to inform Ryan. I don't think anyone has realized how bad you are. How long have you wanted to die?"
I let out a chuckle. "What are you? A shrink?"
"Parker."
He gave me a sympathetic look, clearly catching on to me trying to use humor to pass off the question.
"I..." I sniffled as tears rushed into my eyes. "I've wanted to die every single day since the first time I was raped. I remember everything. The pain... The blood. I remember their hands on me. And it makes me feel disgusted with myself. I didn't even try to fight back. Sure I tried to avoid being grabbed but I never really fought. I was a stupid scared kid and I let myself be hurt because I didn't want to die. Not in their hands. I wanted to die where my family could find me and have peace. Derek wasn't.. He wasn't supposed to find me. I was dying and I could have made it farther but I let myself collapse two miles from the pack because I figured once I passed away they would eventually find me. He wasn't supposed to find me right after I passed out. He wasn't supposed to find me when I cut myself or stop me from hanging myself. He wasn't. I wasn't supposed to make it past 18. I don't... I don't know how to live everyday. I have tried everything and I'm still this mean little asshole that no one loves or wants or needs. I shouldn't be alive and I can't cope with the fact that I am and all of these people that should be aren't." I sobbed.
David stood up and wrapped me in a hug. "Letting people know how you are feeling is a good place to start. I can't even begin to imagine what you have lived through, hell no one really can but talking to someone can help. Letting Ryan be aware of how you are feeling isn't a sign of weakness, from what you said that seems to be where the attitude and the fighting comes from. You don't want people to know that you were a scared kid and you want to come across as unaffected. It's okay to admit that you were affected by what you went through. That's not admitting weakness. Asking for help to get past this is not admitting weakness."
I sniffled again as he pulled back. "I just want to be normal."
"Normal is overrated." He smiled softly.
"I'm sorry."
David shook his head. "I get it. Chris went through being raped and shutting me out. You try to run away and shut people out but I do understand why. There's a battle going on in your head and it's okay to ask for help."
"Okay."
"Now... How about getting a new cast?"
"Yeah." I nodded.
He stood up and headed out the door to get Dr. Matella. I wiped my face before laying down and placing my arm on the table by the bed that it needed to be on. I moved my arm off my eyes when a knock sounded from the door. I froze as Ryan walked into the room.
He looked me over as he leaned against the wall just inside the door. Dr. Matella, David, and Chris all returned before he even attempted to speak.
"Are you going to let me give you the new cast this time?"
I cleared my throat. "Yeah."
I closed my eyes and stayed still, wincing when she grabbed my arm, despite how gentle she was being. After about 30 minutes the new fiberglass cast was on and she told me I was allowed to leave. I stayed where I was ignoring the whispering Ryan and his father's were doing. After a while I heard the latter leave the room.
"Come on." Ryan patted my waist softly.
"Where's Derek?"
"Waiting for the council."
"Is..." I cleared my throat.
"Connor's dead. He tried to stab Derek and Derek got him first. No one got hurt. As soon as Connor was stabbed with his own knife the rogues took off."
"Okay." I whispered.
"We need to talk."
I avoided looking at him as I sat up. "Punish me however you want. I don't care anymore."
"I didn't come back to punish you. I came back to talk."
"Yeah, right. I cut my cast off, tried to steal Alpha blood after you told me no, and was planning an escape. Like I believe I'm not being punished by you." I scoffed.
"Sure... Originally I was a little pissed off but after you yelled at me out front before I left I assumed there was something more going on. Then my dad called me and told me he was concerned about what you might want to do to yourself and my father just confirmed it. I can also see you have been crying and the pain in your eyes. So, no, I don't want to punish you, nor am I going to."
"I never said I was going to do anything!" I protested.
"No one said you were going to do anything, just that you said you wanted to."
"UGH! It's no one else's business! I want LYLA. That's what I want."
"Okay. I can bring you to her."
"No. That's why I needed the blood. If I could shift it would take me at most 2 hours to get there. Not being able to means it will take four and Derek's gonna be back and have told Lyla by then."
He paused and watched as I paced. "So let me shift. I can get you to her within an hour."
"Just... forget it. I can't hold on to you with this stupid cast."
"What if I bring her to you?"
I paused and turned, finally looking at him. "You would do that?"
"I would do anything for you and you clearly need to be the one to tell her."
"For the last five years... she's been the only one other than Derek that has been there for me. I have to tell her. And I need her."
"So I will make some calls and get her here."
"Okay."
"While we wait... we are going to talk."
He walked out of the room, presumably to go make that phone call. I started biting the nails on my left hand as I tried to figure out a way to get out of that conversation.
"Let's go Parker!" Ryan yelled down the hallway.
"Fuck." I sighed to myself.
I quickly left the room and headed down the hallway after him. I rounded the corner into the main foyer and just barely avoided slamming into Ryan.
"Easy there. Derek sent your Dad back to bring Lyla to you."
"Great. Means my mom is gonna come too."
"Why do you think that?"
"Lyla and Derek are the only two I ever went to when I hurt myself. Me having to ask for her to come here is going to send red flags to my mom."
"Is there anything to worry about?"
I narrowed my eyes. "We just had sex 5 hours. Did you see anything? No? Then no."
"Okay."
"Why are you doing that?"
"Doing what?"
"Acting weird."
"How am I acting weird?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Well, First of all, you haven't shaved in two weeks. Second of all, you let me yell at you earlier and didn't even get angry back. Now I am giving you attitude and you're acting like you don't even care. Third, You've filled out... you've gained like 20 lbs of muscle. And finally you refuse to punish me for everything I have done today."
"One, I haven't had time to shave. I have had to get up early to set your clothes out and get breakfast for you, I also was up to my elbows in paperwork and trying to help locate Connor. Two, you were angry at me for telling you no and telling me how you felt, besides I yelled at you first. I don't like the attitude but every time you open up to someone you get pushy and defensive with everyone else. I'm not going to punish you because it's not going to help. Third, You're about to go into heat. The only reason I didn't fill out last time was because it was your first one and was random. My body gets ready to be able to take care of you and your needs, as well as protect you from unmated males and will stay this way if you get pregnant."
"I didn't know that was even possible."
"I'm the only Alpha you've been with since your heats activated."
I nodded. I walked around him and headed up the stairs. He silently followed me all the way to our bedroom. Shutting the door behind us.
"So wanna tell me why you still aren't talking to me about the suicidal thoughts? You're very good at hiding them."
"I'm not... I just... I felt like I was in the way. You yelled at me about everything I have done that you have had to watch. I knew that Maddi was killed and all those people in my pack were killed because Connor was trying to draw me out. Tamara was killed because I made that choice. I just felt overwhelmed and upset and I feel useless. I can't do anything with this broken arm and I can't even pass the warrior's test because I can't ignore you when I'm fighting and I feel like I let Layla down because I promised I would kill him. I didn't. I've ruined a lot of things."
"You haven't ruined anything. I know you feel useless. I know you're frustrated and I know you are hurting but you don't say anything to me. We could have had a conversation before you got to this point. You told Dr. Matella you didn't care if I had to rape you in order to get your wolf back to his Luna position. I don't like that."
"It's not like getting raped for the 100th time would bother me."
"Please. I can't be put into that situation. I can't hurt you like that. I told you that before. I don't want to see you being hurt either. I don't like hearing you talk about wanting to hurt yourself but I would much rather you talk to me about it instead of risking you actually doing so."
"I.. I wanted to. For a split second when I got overwhelmed and questioned by your dad. But I don't actually WANT to. Derek finding me when I did last time and everyone walking on eggshells around me for years was hard enough. I don't even want to know the amount of trust I would lose if I did anything here. I don't want to piss you off or hurt you. I don't want you to worry either. I promise it was just a passing thought."
"Sometimes, passing thoughts end up happening. I would much rather you say something that you felt in passing then to not say anything and let it all build until you lose control and do it. We both know when you lose control of your emotions you tend to do things you regret later."
"I don't... I don't want to die but at the same time I do. I just want everything to stop. I'm so emotionally tired."
"I know. I am here for you, you just need to come to me and get me. Talk to me. Even if you just need to come in and sit near me for a bit because you just need my presence. I need you to know that no matter what it is that you need. I am here to give it to you."
"What about scenting?"
"What about it?"
"What if I need it?"
"Then just say the word and I will do it." He eyed me carefully.
"I want it. I want to try it." I mumbled.
"Okay."
"Like... Now. I can't feel Percy or you. But maybe you scenting me will help me feel more settled."
"Okay." He nodded. "You're gonna have to get undressed."