"Are you sure kaya mo sumama?"
I gave Maddie a small smile. They were all concerned about me. Even Anton wanted to relocate the reunion para lang kumportable ako. The young ones like Tyler and Gian offered to give me a ride. I politely declined. Ayoko maging thirdwheel, 'no.
"I'm fine, guys. Don't worry about me! What could go wrong, 'di ba? Besides, it's been a long time! I left it all in the past," I assured them.
Maddie, Dani, Jules and I went to where the reunion was. I was the one driving since we left very early in the morning. I bought neck pillows for them yesterday so they can sleep comfortably during our ride. Convoy kaming lahat. I was behind Tyler's Fortuner. Behind me was Mamu's CX-5.
Mike and Aimee were with Gian and Denise, his girlfriend. Raffy was too lazy to drive so Tyler picked him and Frannie up. Nagising ako sa busina nila nang alas dos nang madaling araw. Dani and Jules slept with me so we went together. Lahat sila ay nasa bahay ko na by three o'clock para convoy na kami paalis.
We went to a drive-thru to grab some breakfast. I bought Jules and Maddie some pancakes since they were the ones sleeping and I didn't know what they wanted.
Habang hinihintay ang order namin ay ginising ko saglit si Maddie para lumipat sa tabi ni Jules. Only Dani was awake among the three of them so I asked her to sit beside me. It's hard to drive without a co-pilot.
"Thank you," I thanked Dani because she was feeding me while I was driving. I ordered their rice bowl since my last meal intake was around eight o'clock last night.
After eating, malayo-layo pa ang byahe kaya pinatulog ko muna si Dani. I thought it was traffic kaya pinalipat ko si Dani sa harap. I told her to take a nap habang nasa byahe kami.
Malapit na kami sa La Union when Maddie woke up. Nangalay siguro siya. She stretched a little bit. Iniiwasan niya ring masagi si Jules dahil mukhang pagod na pagod siya.
"Are you really sure about this, Bei? We can turn around.." Maddie asked for the nth time.
"I told you I'm okay!" I answered. "I miss the beach na rin, 'no! I need some vitamin sea," I joked. I sounded excited. Mabuti na rin 'yon para hindi na siya magalala pa.
She was finishing her pancake meal. 'Di nagtagal ay gumising na rin si Jules at Dani. We ate snacks while Dani was feeding me again. We rolled our windows down and blasted a loud music. It was fun. Sana lang ay wala kaming naabala dahil ang aga-aga ay tila pumaparty kami sa loob ng sasakyan.
When we arrived at the resort, we looked around for a while before we brought our luggages down. The boys helped us put our things inside our respective villas.
Anton was prioritizing me. So was Mikki. She kept on asking if I'm okay, or am I feeling hot, hungry or thirsty. I was like a cancer patient. But I understood where they were coming from.
I also understand where their fear came from.
Inalalayan ako ni Anton at Mikki papasok sa villa. I scratched my head because I was some kind of diamond to them. Alalay rito, alalay ro'n. Kaliwa't kanan ang pangangamusta nila sa'kin.
"I'm fine.. Seriously, I will transfer to another hotel if you guys won't stop treating me like a VIP," panakot ko. It somehow worked. Anton and Mikki left me alone. But from time to time ay lumalapit sila. Kunwari ay chichismis, 'yon pala titignan ang lagay ko.
I didn't feel irritated or annoyed by their actions at all. I felt happy. My heart felt full. But I was hurt and guilty at the same time. Ganito na lang sila ka-concern sa'kin after everything that happened which I left in the past.
"Uh, ate..?" The door opened, revealing one-fourth of Mamu's face. I can see him peaking through the door. I chuckled.
"Yes?" I asked.
"He.. He's here..?" He said, unsure of what he's saying.
Agad kong nakuha ang sinabi niya. I gave him a smile. He scratched his head before looking outside. He looked like he was asking for help because I was going to eat him alive.
"Tsaka ate.. kakain na raw," I nodded before closing my book. I reached for my one-piece swim suit and my maong shorts before turning to Gian.
"I'll be down in five. You can go now," agad siyang umiling, scratching his head a bit again.
"Hintayin na kita, ate. May dadalhin ka ba pababa? Ako na magdadala," Napaisip ako. I looked around. I was too lazy to bring my towel down so I gave it to him together with my phone and wallet. After that, I went to the bathroom to change my clothes.
I wore my beige backless one-piece. I tied my hair to a bun para kumulot ito ng kaunti. I stared at my self. I turned around to check if my one-piece was doing fine at my back. I wasn't in good shape but I didn't care anymore. I wore my maong shorts before going out.
Gian and I went downstairs together. I saw Anton, Raffy and Tyler grilling some barbeque. The girls were fixing the table where we'll eat. Some of my teammates were already at the shore taking photos. Frannie and Andi was with them.
"Ate, anong gusto mo?" I turned to Denise, Gian's girlfriend.
"Wala. Ayos lang ako," I answered.
I helped them fix the table. Medyo matagal rin kaming nagayos kaya nagtataka ako nang kahit anino niya ay hindi ko pa nakikita.
After fixing the table, I told them to come with me to the shore. We played volleyball and took a slight dip in the sea. We also took photos. I'm sure our film photos will turn out great. I can't wait to have them developed.
"Kakain na!" We saw Raffy shouting and waving a paper plate from not-so-far-away.
We ran to where out cottage was. We were making fun of those who were running slower.
And there, I saw him.
I didn't feel anything. Our gazes met. He gave me a small smile and a small nod so I smiled at him too.
He was wearing a blue sweater and a white board shorts. He was also wearing his Nike slides. It looked like mine. His scent invaded my sense of smell. He still smelled the same. And I can still remember what his exact perfume is.
Sauvage by Christian Dior.
I shook my head, mentally scolding myself. Why was I even thinking about those? I already buried everything in the past!
Well, at least not everything. I still have the second jersey he had in Ateneo, his warmer and his favorite hoodie. Sometimes I still wear his hoodie but I didn't care anymore. Basta, may ma-suot ako. Besides, wala naman sigurong makakapansin.
"Liempo, ate?" Tyler offered.
"How 'bout steak? It's medium rare. Just like how you wanted your steak to be done," Raffy did the same.
"How about this grilled fish? Don't you want it?" And so did Jolo.
I looked at the three of them one by one. They were getting weirder and weirder. But again, I understand their point.
I was about to refuse to all of their offers. I didn't want to pick one because I didn't want to make them feel bad but he suddenly cut me off.
"Adobo. Para sa lahat," Thirdy handed me a paper plate with rice and Adobo. Palagay ko ay plato niya 'yon na hindi niya pa nagagalaw.
I was about to refuse as well but he glared at me so I had no choice but to take it.
"Thank you," I said before sitting next to Maddie and Deanna.
"Adobo naman pala," Maddie whispered. Siniko ko siya nang palihim dahil baka marinig siya ni Thirdy.
"Para naman daw sa lahat.." Deanna followed. Umiiling akong kumain. They were teasing me nonstop. Hindi na tuloy ako nakatayo pa para kumuha ng pagkain.
I helped them clean the table as well as Thirdy. We were avoiding each other. We didn't talk to each other. Kung ano lang ang inaabot ko ay tinatapon niya at kung ano ang i-abot niya ay nilalagay ko sa isang tabi.
We were quiet. Pinakikiramdaman siguro kami ng mga kasama namin. Good thing Jho, Jamie and Kat arrived already. May hawak pa silang paper bag ng McDo na basura na ang laman.
Anton showed them their villa para makapagbihis na sila. Nauna na ang mga kasama namin sa dagat, leaving Thirdy and I alone. Kami ang pinagbantay ng mga gamit. May trust issue na siguro kami from the last time we went here. Nawalan si Jules ng film camera. Sayang rin ang photos ro'n. Though, wala naman masyadong tao rito. But still, it's better to be safe and sure than to be sorry.
"How are you?" He broke the ice between us. I glanced at him. His eyes were focused on the sunset. I smiled bitterly.
"I'm doing good," I answered. "You? I heard you're killing it out there in Japan,"
"That's good to know.." He whispered. "I'm trying my best there in Japan. Sooner or later, babalik na rin ako rito for good since medyo nakaipon na 'ko. But I won't stop playing. I just want to come home to my family. Being away from home is.. torture,"
I agreed with him. I somehow felt lucky that I'm with the people I love. Na limang minuto lang, pwedeng kasama ko na sila. Unlike Thirdy. He's miles, hours.. skies away from home.
Silence ate us again. Wala naman rin kaming dapat pagusapan. I don't think catching up is necessary since we almost know where each other is going, or what each other is doing. We're in the same circle. Surrounded by the same people. Panigurado kung meron mang balita ay iikot nang mabilis sa'min. Ika nga, 'what goes around, comes around'.
"Are you happy?" He asked.
That made me turn to him. I stared at him for a long time. Nangangapa rin ako ng isasagot. Masaya nga ba 'ko, o nasanay lang ako sa araw-araw kong ginagawa?
"I am," it was a lie.
At this point, I don't know if I'm happy or just used to the things I do everyday. I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. Since then, all I felt was tiredness and restlessness.
May mga pagod talagang hindi nakukuha ng tulog.
"Wanna go for a walk?" He asked. Tumango ako bago binitbit ang monoblock dahil binitbit niya rin ang kanya.
We literally left our things alone in the cottage. We sat meters away from our friends. We wanted to watch the sunset peacefully. Nawalan rin ng halaga ang monoblock dahil sa buhangin kami umupo. Pinagpatong lang namin ang mga monoblock para isang bitbitan nalang pagbalik sa cottage.
"What happened to us?" He asked.
I scoffed, thinking about the past. Binaon ko na sa limot ang ano mang namagitan sa'min. But I can still remember every detail of how and why we parted ways.
"She happened," I answered with no hesitation.
From my peripheral vision, I saw him glancing at me. Hindi na siya nagulat sa sagot ko. O kung nagulat man siya, he shouldn't be. I've had enough of sugarcoating things for everyone.
"I'm sorry.." He said in his most apologetic voice.
I smiled bitterly. I turned to him. He wasn't looking at me. His eyes were fixed, watching the sun set.
"Were you happy? Somehow?" I had to ask him that. I wanted peace of mind. Pakiramdam ko ay kasalanan ko kung bakit kami naghiwalay.
"Of course.. Of course I was," napangiti ako sa sagot niya.
'Yon lang ay sapat na. At least, ngayon, hindi ko na gaanong sinisisi ang sarili ko.
"It was clearly my fault. I was being a jerk.. I was stubborn," he was admitting his mistakes.
Maybe I was too in love to the point that I put on a blind eye just to keep him with me. I was too in love that I didn't even see the mistakes he was talking about.
"Okay ka na ba ngayon?" I asked, eyes fixed on the setting sun.
The sky was pretty. The setting sun was a golden scenery for me. The sky was pink, with a mix of orange and purple. The clouds look like fluffy cotton candies.
It was a beautiful thing to watch.
"Okay ako, Bea. Masaya ako," napatango-tango ako sa sinabi niya.
I felt a pinch of pain in my chest. Siguro nasanay akong kapag wala ako ah hindi siya ayos. I used to be his living sanity.
I used to.
"Ang sabi mo, babalik ka. Maglalaro ka lang. Aabutin mo lang 'yong pangarap mo," I scoffed. "Oo, bumalik ka nga. Pero umuwi ka sa iba,"
I was slowly pouring the pain I felt. I was starting to heal an open wound. I wasn't ready, but maybe I had to.
"The very first time we went here, we were fine. We broke up in this place. We were fine when we went home. Until one day, you vanished. Out of nowhere. I kept on waiting. I was thinking what I did wrong. I was thinking where we went wrong. Para akong baliw na halos gada linggo, bumabalik ako rito. Nagbabakasakaling narito ka," my vision started to get blurry as tears started to build up in my eyes but I continued.
"Nung pinaliwanag mo sa'kin na.. matatagalan ka sa pagbalik, I felt.. relieved. Finally, meron na 'kong pinanghahawakan. Until the very next day, you tweeted," I scoffed. "Fucking twitter. It used to be our thing,"
I sounded too desperate. I wanted to gate-keep the things we used to do so bad. Dahil 'yon nalang ang meron ako. Mga alaala mula sa nakaraan. 'Yon nalang ang natira sa'kin.
"Saan ba 'ko nagkulang? May mali ba 'kong ginawa?" I turned to him. "Hindi mo ba 'ko minahal?"
"Mahal. Mahal na mahal kita. Kaya kita nagawang iwan. I know you could find somebody better than me. Somebody who can reach his dreams with you. Somebody who can celebrate your small victories with you," He answered.
"Grass weren't greener for us,"
"Fucking hell," I wiped my tears.
"Ako pa ba?"
I was scared of what he might answer. I was scared of the truth. But I know truth is the only thing that can set me free.
"No, sorry.." He answered in a low voice.
Then, it hit me.
Okay na. Tapos na. Ayos na.
"Thank you. I needed this," I gave him a small smile. He moved closer to me and gave me a side hug.
Nagpalipas kami ng oras sa buhanginan. Bumalik kami sa cottage nang matanaw na namin ang buwan.
It was shining brightly in the night sky.
He held my hand as we made our way to the cottage. Everyone was shocked. Napatigil silang lahat sa ginagawa nila. They stared at us, and to our interwined hands.
"Kayo na ulit? Gago!" Anton drammatically covered his mouth. Umiling ako bago humiwalay kay Thirdy. I went to Dani who was sitting and eating. I gave her a back hug.
I love this kid so much. If it weren't because of her, hindi ko makikilala si Thirdy.
"Hindi," sagot ni Thirdy bago niya binaba ang mga monoblock na dala niya. He sat next to Isaac.
"What's with the holding hands?" Isaac asked.
"Wala ka na ro'n," Thirdy joked. Umiling naman si Isaac.
"Closure, probably.." Gian butted in. We all looked at him.
"I'm happy that we're slowly going back to how we used to be." He looked at me. "And I'm happy that your sorrows are slowly fading away, ate."
I am too, Gian. If only you knew.
"Oh. This calls for a group hug!" Frannie stood up and opened her arms. "Come on, everybody! Come on!"
Tumatawa kaming tumayo at sumama sa group hug.
I met Thirdy's gaze. He smiled at me. Happiness and relief was evident in his eyes.
I'm happy for him.
Maybe someday, we could get things right.
Maybe someday, we'll meet again in a coffee shop. And there, we'll give our love a second chance.
What we had was far from perfect. But I will forever cherish our past. At kahit kalimutan niya 'yon, narito ako. Handa akong alalahanin ang lahat ng 'yon para sakanya.
He's a man of love and dreams. Nothing and no one can stop him from achieving his dreams. And I am proud of him.
Always. In all ways.