( POV: ZALE FEARSEY )
"Morning, sunshine." I smirk, grabbing her by her waist as I tug her onto my lap and kiss her soft skin. She laughs, her hand threading into my hair.
"When did I become Sorin?" She teases, her soft voice sounding like music to my ears.
I move back just a little, enough to see her better, "Hmm, he needs another nickname then since I quite enjoy calling you that."
Mera smiles, leaning in to brush her lips against mine. A harmony of groans and disgusted sounds fills the dining room. I only deepen the kiss when I hear it. Mera's the one to break it first, she slightly pulls back, kissing my cheek before she settles beside me. I keep my arm wrapped around her waist and I can't stop myself from kissing her hair and holding her close.
"When does the newlywed curse end? The honeymoon phase should've ended a long time ago." Sorin says just to piss me off.
"Leave them be," Corvina shrugs. "I think it's cute. Only they don't have to shove it in my face every morning. It is slightly nauseating." She says, nodding to her own words as she tries not to insult us.
"Whatever. Who cares?" Morana shrugs, glancing down at her fork as she continues to eat, entirely unbothered.
Tariq smiles at her and I don't miss how he places his hand on her thigh. I also don't miss how she doesn't move his hand off and instead moves her hand to his, intertwining their hands.
I make sure Mera sees it as well, I know she still dislikes her and I hope her seeing them together might ease her hatred. I can't blame her for disliking her.
"Hmm," she sighs, "Good for her."
"I love that attitude of yours," I whisper to her and she chuckles.
"Sorry. Sorry. Sorry!" I hear my sister's giggly voice as she rushes to the table, her husband behind her with my niece in his arms.
"Oh, give her to me! Is she awake?" I call out, watching Birdie smile and nod.
"Yeah, she is." She glances over at Raze and he reluctantly hands her over, kissing her forehead before doing so. Fal walks over to me, telling me to properly hold my arms out for her. I smile down at Faye when I see those big green eyes of hers staring up at me.
"Hello, little bird."
She's a precious little thing. Beautiful, adorable, everything at once. I'm more than proud to be her uncle. "Well, aren't you enjoying your life, huh? Eat, sleep, shit! Sounds perfect to me."
Mera chuckles while I notice Fallon suddenly step away from us. She seems distracted by something so I just let her be, refocusing on the adorable baby in my arms.
"You are one pretty baby," Mera whispers to Faye, rubbing her hand over her belly.
"You know-"
"Don't." She says, making me laugh and kiss her cheek.
I look up at the people surrounding the table but they're awfully quiet. They're focused on something or rather someone else.
I follow Raze's gaze to Fallon. She's behind me, to my left rather, staring out the window. She seems quite focused, her brows furrowed and the look in her eyes makes me hand over Faye to Mera... I know that look.
Though, I don't get up immediately. I wait.
"Fallon?" Raze calls out to her, surprisingly not using any of his nicknames for her.
She doesn't respond.
I watch as her chest slowly begins to rise up and down quicker. When I look at what she's looking I don't see anything that could frighten her this much.
She's hallucinating.
"Fal?" Raze repeats but my sister isn't even blinking at this point.
Before he can respond I do. Getting up and grabbing her before she gets lost in whatever she's seeing and faints. "Birdie... You're seeing things."
The tears in her eyes roll down her cheeks and she finally blinks, taking a normal calm breath in. She looks up at me, "Zale," she breathes.
"Mm-hmm," I smile at her. "Let's sit, okay?"
She breaks eye contact with me and looks out the window again, frowning when she doesn't see what she supposedly saw earlier. "Was I imagining it?" The question is to herself rather than to me.
I place my hand over hers, the one she's gripping onto my arm with. Her eyes meet mine again and she swallows, clearly confused and embarrassed at the same time. "I... I saw him." she lowers her voice for only me to hear.
"I know... I know that Birdie. But that has happened before, hasn't it? And he wasn't here."
She nods, blinking her final tears away. "Yes but... But this-"
"Fallon," I sigh. "You know it. You know that you're imagining it." She has done this a dozen times before. It for sure means that she hasn't been sleeping that well again. Of course, I wonder why but I know it's not real. I know he isn't here.
"Zale, I know... I know but why did this time feel-"
"Fallon, stop, please. You know he's not here. I don't believe he is or could be."
Her expression changes when she hears that. She takes a step back from me, betrayal painted all over her face. "You don't believe me?"
"Birdie... You don't believe it either. Come on."
A tear falls down her cheek and I hate myself for it. "Sist-"
She puts her hand up in front of her when I try to take a step closer to her. She glances around the room, she looks so fucking confused. It's as if she's about to have a meltdown but she's not sure if she should.
It's strange and I can't describe it.
Perhaps the perfect explanation is that she seems a bit lost.
Fallon turns around, her back toward me. I watch as she runs a hand through her hair and shakes her head, practically shaking herself out of it. When she turns back to me she nods, "You're right." a soft but not-so-sincere smile makes it onto her face. "I don't believe you yet but I know you must be right." She gives me a small hug before walking off.
I assumed that she walked away but apparently, she just took Faye and joined Raze at the other side of the table. The latter was watching her the entire time and the only reason he didn't intervene is because I signaled to him that I had it.
Maybe I should've let him do it...
They share a whispered conversation and Raze places a kiss on her hair. Fal smiles again but I think Raze and I can both tell that it doesn't seem real.
"I haven't been sleeping that well." She says to the table. "I-"
"You don't have to explain yourself." Lewis interrupts. "Not to anyone else."
When she smiles at Lewis, it's a genuine one.
"Why would she imagine him?" Mera asks me once the moment is over and we're back in our room.
"She's done it before. Not sleeping gives her hallucinations. It's not that surprising that she sleeps poorly with a newborn but... I hurt her. My words really hurt her even though she tried to play it off."
"Well fucking obviously Zale. Telling someone you don't believe them... That they're imagining it is painful as fuck."
"But she is," I tell her. "I'm not just saying it. She truly is."
"I know," She sighs. "She'll forgive you once she realizes that it was an imagination. But try to find better words next time?" she suggests with a soft smile.
"Yeah... I should." I agree with a smile. "Can you make me feel better?" I smirk and Mera just laughs.
"I could obviously try, my lord but everything comes at a price."
"And what might yours be?" I tease as I near her, making her look up at me. "An hour? Two? All night?"
Her hands brush over my arms, "Yeah, I like that answer." I kiss her soft lips, pushing her onto her back as I trail down to her neck.
But our fun time gets cut short when my sister comes bursting through the door, past the guards. Honestly, it's always one of those two to stop me from admiring this beautiful woman's body.
Mera throws her head back, laughing her ass off while Corvina shrieks and turns her back to us.
"I'm off of her, you can look."
Mer plays with my hair, something she loves to do, while I questioningly stare up at V. "What?"
"What? After earlier all you have to say is what?"
"V-"
"Zale, she hasn't imagined him ever since she saw him at the engagement ball! Mind you it's been three years since that!"
She's referring to the ball where Fal and Raze got engaged. The ball where Deimos took over and we practically had to flee.
"I know-"
"So you think after years she's seeing him again? Really?"
"V, she's been acting strange. Remember when she rushed through the halls? When she swore that he was in the Keep?"
Corvina sighs, "That's different. She-"
"Imagined him. She's my sister too, V. I love you both to death. So I won't lie. I won't let her think that he's here. That's much worse than me being blunt with her. Do you seriously believe that he's here?"
"I mean... Who am I to tell her that he's not though? She's the only one who could feel it. Know it. I-"
"Yes or no?" I ask again.
She rolls her eyes, "Fine, I'm done with this conversation." she steps out, harshly closing the door behind her.
I drop myself back onto the bed, my head onto Mera's lap. "I feel worse now."
"You meant well. It's okay." She leans down, giving me an upside-down kiss. "You're a good man."
"I don't feel like one."
"Perhaps I can change that?" Her hands move down my chest toward my thighs and then to my zipper. Let's just say that I wasn't expecting it but that I welcome it with open arms.
****
A few days have passed since the breakfast situation with Fallon. I've apologized if I made her feel bad but she rejected my apology, saying it wasn't needed. I later realized that I worded my apology wrong and tried again.
She accepted and gave me a genuine smile.
But now one woman in my life seems happier, another seems sad.
Mera.
I have no idea what's going on with her today but she's barely spoken to me and it seems as though she's on the verge of tears every time I try to talk to her.
She's also avoiding me. To the point that I think I might've done something to upset her. It seems that I do that often these days.
"Meraki," I say softly as I open the door to our bedroom. She's laying on the bed with her back toward me. "I'm worried, baby."
( POV: MERA FEARSEY )
"Meraki," Zale whispers to me as I squeeze my eyes shut, curling more into myself. "I'm worried, baby. Really fucking worried. Can you look at me?"
I shake my head. I can't show him my tear-stained cheeks and reddened eyes.
"Okay," He breathes. "Okay... What can I do? Do you want me to hold you? Do you want me to leave?"
I'm basically shaking in bed from trying to keep my composure. I can't hold it in any longer. I just shake my head and barely manage to say no.
"Alright... Uhm." I can tell he's worried sick and that only makes me feel worse. "How about I go take a shower and when I'm back we can try again? Yeah?"
I nod. I nod just so he goes. I'm going to throw up. The blanket over my head is making me nauseous and warm. I keep myself locked in this tiny entrapment that I've created.
But when I realize that Zale is going to come back... When I realize that I have to talk... I throw the blanket off of me and brush my sweat and tears away.
I try not to show too much emotion but it's hard. My hands are shaking and I know he'll notice it when he's back... I don't want to hurt him. I really really don't.
But I feel like I'm dying inside.
So the smartest thing I can do is run out of the room before he gets out of the shower.
This isn't the first birthday of his that has passed... It isn't the day of his d- it's not that either. Though somehow today, this birthday is hitting me harder.
I kindly ask the guard not to follow me as I rush out to the garden. Even here, in the garden filled with flowers and greenery, I can't breathe. So I keep walking, I know that if I walk some more I'll be out of the Keep and that's exactly what I want.
Guards are probably following me but I can't hear or see them so it's fine. My vision is getting a bit foggy but somewhere on the horizon, I see water. Maybe the sea? I don't care. I rush toward it.
It's late at night, no one is here. No one would be.
My legs can't hold me up anymore and I drop onto the warm sand. Silent tears roll down my cheeks.
I'm trying to keep my breaths steady but it's impossible. I miss him so fucking much. And I feel so fucking guilty.
Guilty for being so in love with Zale.
Guilty for still loving Kaan.
But I can't help it. I loved Kaan and I always will.
As I'm sitting here right now, underneath the moon, all I see is him. His eyes, his smile, his kind words... He was my best friend. My love. My fiancé.
Deimos took him away from me. Long before I was ready for it. We had barely begun our life together. He just proposed...
When I imagine him down on one knee again, my sob escapes me. I wish I could remember him that way but even that courtesy wasn't granted to me. I remember seeing his de- I remember seeing him leave this world so that I could stay in it.
And it's not fucking fair.
It's not fair at all.
He deserved to stay. He really did.
We had so many plans...
Now I'm doing them all with Zale. I hope he doesn't hate me. I couldn't live with that.
I'm so happy with Zale. But it's moments like this when I hate myself for being happy when he can never smile again. When I can never-
I can't even finish my thoughts because it hurts too much.
Zale must be worried sick...
God, I hate myself.
I get up, deciding to pace around the beach. Letting out all my pain. All my tears. Something unexpected happens. I scream. I scream so loudly.
My scream drains all the energy out of me and I drop back onto the ground again. I clutch some sand in between my hands while I try to breathe normally again. My eyes catch a glimpse of both my rings.
The one Zale got me and the one Kaan got me.
They both shine brightly. I cry even harder because of it. I twist Kaan's around, watching it intently. It's the one thing that I can't do yet. I can't take his ring off. And I don't ever want to.
Zale's okay with it... I'm so lucky.
I scoff at my even thoughts, lucky. How is losing someone I loved so deeply, me being lucky? It's not. It's so fucking unlucky.
The lucky part is me finding a man who loves me just as much as Kaan once did. Which is mean of me. You don't get two great loves of your life. No one does.
But I did...
And I feel so guilty over it.
I had Kaan. I lost him. That should've been it. I shouldn't be greedy. I really shouldn't. But I love him. I love him so damn much that I can't even look at him sometimes. It's overwhelming.
"That doesn't mean that I don't miss you." I let out. "I miss you so much Kaan." another sob escapes me and I'm a snotting, sobbing mess. "I wish you were here. I wish you didn't sacrifice yourself. You deserved to grow old."
As kids, we always joked about becoming grumpy old people. We teased each other about who would be the bigger dick. Me, definitely me. He could never be mean...
"I love you," I cry. "And I'm sorry for loving someone else the way I did you. I'm sorry for giving my heart away... I hope you know that I am dying from guilt," I cry and chuckle at the same time before crying even harder.
"I am in therapy," I add. If he's listening right now, I want him to know that I'm okay. "So I'm not always crying my heart out to the moon. Lewis helps. He's kind. But my biggest help is Zale." I take a deep breath before going on.
"I love him, Kaan. And he loves me... We got married. Uhm, I'm happy. Don't look at me now but usually, I'm happy. There hasn't been a day yet that you haven't crossed my mind. Even if it's just me remembering your love for apricots." I laugh. "I'm starting to forget the tone of your voice though and-"
I'm violently crying and it's literally cutting my own oxygen supply off. I take a break. Shaking myself in a way to soothe myself.
"If you're listening... Just know that I won't ever forget you. Never. I love you. I miss you. Forever."
I try to calm my breathing, refocusing on my rings. I take Kaan's off, just to see it better. When I do so, something shines. He- he engraved the ring... I never noticed.
I raise my hand into the moonlight so I can see it better.
"Forever yours."
For a moment it feels like my heart has stopped beating. It's like a message from him. A message from beyond... He'll always be mine. Forever. But I won't be. I'm not.
I put my ring on before I do something stupid and throw it away in despair and anger. I cry like I've never cried before. I let everything out. It's painful and my throat hurts after it but it's worth it.
Once more... Even when he isn't here he's made me remember how much he loves me. Loved. How much he loved me.
I drag myself up, searching around for the guards. I think they notice me looking so they step into the light. I wave them over, asking if they have a tissue. They do.
Zale shouldn't see me this devastated. I don't want him to hurt.
"Are you feeling better, my lady?"
I nod, "Yeah, a little, thank you."
He nods too, "Lord Fearsey has been looking for you. We did not disclose your location only that you weren't out alone."
"Good, thank you. Let's go back then. I wouldn't want to worry him more."
My guard, Silas, hands me his cloak so I don't freeze to death and I thank him once more.
We head back to the Keep which isn't as nearby as I had assumed would be. I probably didn't realize how far away I ran off. I focus on Zale, hoping that I didn't worry him too much.
I'd hate myself if that were the case.
The shiny gates of the Keep are beginning to come into view. As is a large man standing in front of it. A smile creeps up on my face, that's my man right there.
He notices us, probably because the guards have large light-reflecting armor. Zale scurries towards me and I suck a sharp breath in when I feel him wrap his arms around me. He practically collided into me. "Meraki," He groans. "I was one step away from going out and-"
I break down.
Again.
Zale tightens his hold on me, brushing his hands over my back before slightly moving back to see me. He cups my cheeks, brushing my tears away, "Who hurt you?"
"No one. I just- I'm sorry. Today was Kaan's birthday and I- I lost it. I needed to let it all out but I should've told you before I left."
Understanding dawns on his face and he nods, holding my hands that were grabbing onto his shirt and kissing them. "It's okay, gorgeous." He smiles at me. "I get it. Take however much time you need, okay? What can I do for you?"
"Stop being so perfect," I chuckle through my tears. "Why don't you hate me?"
"Why would I?" He frowns. "Come on, let's go inside and we'll talk there." He can tell that I'm freezing so he wraps his arms around me and safely guides me in. Back to our bedroom.
He asks for some tea before closing the door and settling beside me. "I'm listening."
"I cried over another man. I told him that I loved him... How can you not hate me? Not even a tiny bit?" I inquire.
"You loved him. Still do. I will always respect that. You can cry in my arms for all I care and I would still love you, Mera. I'd actually prefer if you cried somewhere warm." He replies and I don't understand him.
"I feel so guilty," I admit.
"For loving me?" He asks, the soft look in his eyes makes me regret that I even said it.
"For loving him too," I answer and he nods, clearly still not mad. He's so understanding...
"That's okay. You loved him first. You love him more and that's okay too. Just-"
"No, don't say that." I shake my head, all my guilt becoming too much. I stand up again, pacing around the room as I try not to cry. I fail.
"Mer, hey-" He stops me from my mindless pacing, "It's okay. I'm not in some competition. I know you love me. It took me a while to believe that but I do. You love me and that's all that matters. Not who you love more. Or who you feel that your loyalties might lie-"
"Stop. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Zale. I love you. I really really do."
He wraps his arms around me, easing all my pain and self-hatred. "I love you, Mera. For now, for always."
I pull away from him, wiping my tear-stained cheeks, "Zale, I don't love him more. That's a part of this guilt I'm feeling."
Something I can't possibly admit to Kaan or even to myself is that I might even love Zale more... It's not a might. I do. I know I do and that's why the guilt is eating me alive.
Sometimes I just want to pick a fight with Zale because how dare I love him more than- No. I'm not thinking about it. No. But he needs to hear it. I can't let him think this way. It's the truth and he needs to know it.
"My loyalties lie with you. I love you more. And that's killing me. It's cruel of me. While he died for me... I'm over here loving someone else deeper..."
Zale doesn't say anything, he holds me again and this time leads me to bed so I can lie in his arms. He repeats his previous statement, "It's okay." He whispers to me, kissing my hair while he tugs the blanket over us. "Kaan and I both share one big thing and that's our love for you. And our height but that's beside the point I was making," He teases and I laugh.
I nuzzle into his neck, "You don't think I'm some evil bitch?"
"I do not." he kisses my lips after saying that and I close my eyes. Feeling at peace again.
"Sorry for taking off. I didn't want to hurt you."
"Meraki, you're my love... Nothing you could do will ever hurt me."
"Unless..." I add when I see the slight smirk on his face.
"Well unless you're stabbing me. Or doing something else in that sense."
I let out a chuckle and he brushes his hand over my throat, pulling me closer, "You sound really hoarse. Tea should help."
"This is already helping too." I let out, tightening my hold on him. "Promise, you'll never me."
"I'll never leave you."
"You mean it?" I ask, looking up at him with tears in my eyes.
"I mean it." He brushes and kisses them away. "Never."
"Okay," I nod. "Because I won't survive it."
"I'm not going anywhere. You won't ever have to think about that, okay? I'm here."
I nod, placing a kiss against his chest, right where his heart is. "I'm here forever too," I state and he laughs.
"I know that, baby. I know because look at me? I'm a catch."
"And I'm not?" I frown, gently lifting myself off his chest.
"Well..." He scrunches his nose, brushing his hand over my cheek, "You're my catch." He grins, making me smile too. "Obviously, I'm the one that got lucky here. So no. I'm not even letting you walk alone on the street. They'll fight me for you."
"Yeah, they might." I chuckle and Zale does too. He helps me up, taking me to the shower.
"Alone or with me?" He questions. A stupid question.
"Always with you."
He rolls his eyes, grabbing my hips and tugging me into the shower with our clothes still on. I laugh loudly, screaming at him over the sound of the water crashing against our now completely soaked clothes.
"Our clothes need to be washed too." He shrugs.
There's one thing Zale has always managed to make me do... Smile. He's always made me laugh. Made me feel so damn happy in my saddest moments.
Even now as he drowning me in soap and water, I can only laugh. Afterward, he makes me drink the tea and makes me eat something as well. And then he just holds me.
He holds me for however long I might need it.
I fall asleep in his arms. Letting the pain and sadness of the day move off me as I nuzzle into his neck.
But in the middle of the night, I wake up. Not without reason. I hear something. I hear something fall and break. The guards quickly enter the room as well and Zale wakes up too.
"It must be this little one, my lord and lady." My guard Silas says as he holds up a cat. One that must've been lost.
"Let them out, will you? It probably lost its way home." Zale tells them and I agree. They take the cute cat and leave our room. Zale's asleep in seconds. It takes me a bit longer.
Our doors did open and close a few times so the cat could've stumbled upon our room via the hallways but...
It's odd.
Very odd.