*I wanted this fic to flow seamlessly with the Canon events, therefore some scenes are taken directly from the Anime. Any dialogue between '*' and '**' is taken straight from the Anime, but all writing between is my own.
Erwin
I'll admit, the past week, while planning and training was exhausting, has been one of the best of my life. All of those years spent wondering about Levi, not knowing if he could ever feel the same, have been worth it. Our time together has been perfect. I find myself downcast at his absence this morning as I prepare for the rest of the day. It seems his presence has made a place in my daily routine.
We've got a meeting with Premiere Zachary to update him on the serum this afternoon. Levi and the others haven't returned from their encounter with Saddis yet. I'm not sure what knowledge they've acquired but hopefully we'll get an update from them as well. We are so close to getting all of our answers. I can feel it.
Light from outside illuminates the meeting room through cerulean curtains as we wait for Premiere Zachary to enter. Levi files in beside me, face blank. We haven't had any time to go over what they learned from Saddis yet but we'll discuss it after this.
We stand around the dark wooden table in the center of the room. The syringe Levi's uncle thrusted into his arms sits like an anchor in the middle. It feels that way anyways, the weight of the syringe and what it means weighs on all of our consciences. I hadn't spent much time examining it after initial observation. We left that to Hange and the others.
*"Looks like I'm late. Sorry." Premiere Zachary closes the door behind him, a stern look on his bearded face. We wait silently as he sits in one of the ornate mahogany chairs. Levi stands to his right and I on Levi's other side. "Have any luck? Were you able to establish what's in the container?"
"We have a vague idea," Hange starts, "but unfortunately with our technology, I'm afraid we can't dig much deeper. Like we've heard from Eren and Historia, it seems to originate from some sort of human body fluid. However, it vaporizes when exposed to air, making further analysis virtually impossible to perform. Whoever made it must've had technology far superior to ours. I can't imagine how the Reiss family could have managed to do it."
Premiere Zachary ingests this information.
"In that case, rather than tamper with it we should put it to use with our current objective." Pyxis notes.
"But to whom do we entrust it? To you, Erwin?" Premiere Zachary asks me.
Hmm. This is something I had pondered briefly. What happens if we've got little time to deliberate who gets the serum, say we should need to make that decision on the field, who, then, is the best candidate to make that decision, let alone take the serum. Maybe the real question here isn't who gets it but who gives it. Nevertheless, my answer is still the same.
"No, with my wound I would be a poor choice." Levi was right about that. I can't be the one entrusted to keep the syringe and decide who gets it. If I don't survive we need someone else to make that decision. "This syringe, it belongs in the hands of one of our elite. Someone with the best odds of survival. Levi, will you accept it?" My head swivels to meet Levi's gaze next to me.
I hold my breath waiting for his answer.
Levi
I hide my shock with what I hope is a decent poker face.
"If it's an order, just say so. Why even bother asking?" I say. But my mind is reeling. I can feel the undercurrent in his words. Best odds of survival. So what? Does he plan not to take the field then? I shoot daggers his way, hoping he gets the message.
"When we need to use this, there may not be time to plan. We'll be relying on you to make a decision swiftly, and with little deliberation. Judging when to use it, and on whom, will be your responsibility. Will you accept it?" Erwin asks, peering back over at me. His eyes meet mine with intensity. Apparently my aim is shit and my daggers are missing him, because he doesn't seem to get the message.
"If this dream of yours comes true, what will you do then?" I ask. He seems crazy enough to gamble his life on this so he better be sure it's worth it.
"I don't know, and I won't. Not until it happens."
"I see. Alright, I'll do it." The box clicks closed and then I slide it into my pocket. It feels like a brick at my side. No, a bomb. A ticking time bomb.**
They have some unrelated conversation afterwards about other things but I can't pay attention to a word they're saying right now. What the fuck does Erwin think he's doing? If he doesn't have the best odds of survival, then he can't be planning on going into battle with us, right? It would be foolish. Idiotic. He can't be that daft.
"Erwin, we need to talk." I try to catch his eye as we exit the room after the meeting has concluded. Everyone else files out around us.
"Can it wait? We've got another meeting to discuss your encounter with Saddis now." He doesn't wait for my answer, just strides past me to one of the other meeting rooms at the end of the hall. I guess it's going to have to wait.
The rest of the Squad leaders get settled in around the long table in the middle of the room. I opt to sit against the wall behind the group, careful to act casual.
*"You spoke to Sadis. Based on what he told you, It seems that Grisha Yaeger is a human who came from outside the walls?" Erwin asks after Hange's retelling, sitting at the head of the table.
"Yes. And like the others, Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt, it appears he also had the power of the titans. But where those three sought to undermine it, he was supportive of humanity within the walls. " Hange explains.
"If he was really that supportive of the scouts and what we do, maybe he could have thrown a bit more information our way." one of the Squad leaders complains.
"I wonder..." Hange starts, "From the moment he entered the walls, he was searching for the royal family. A heavy burden to shoulder alone. If you ask me, that's not something you do unless you have an iron will and an incredible resolve, and let's not forget that same man later wanted to show his young son, eager to join the scouts, something important. Staring death in the face, he said the truth of it all was there, in the cellar. What's down there? What was he hiding?"
"Things which must not be said." Erwin says, brows furrowed, "No, things which can't be spoken. Things he couldn't say even if he wanted to. That which the first Reiss king wiped from our consciousness. Memories of our world. At least that's my hope. But speculating more won't accomplish anything. The final preparations are now complete. The operation to retake Wall Maria begins in two days. Wanna know what's in that cellar? Let's go see for ourselves. We're Scouts, that's what we do. I'll leave it to you to alert your squads." He nods to all of us.
"Right, we'll keep it quiet for now though."
"I think our troops deserve some meat on a day like this." One of the other Squad leaders suggests.
"Good idea. Gotta show those kids the adults can be counted on."
The others make chitter-chatter and exit the room but I linger, watching Erwin.
Before they have time to protest or ask questions I close the door behind them, my hands shoved into my Scouts' coat pockets as I lean against it. The sun streams through the windows, casting a glow behind him.
"What is it, Levi?" Erwin asks me.
"This may sound impatient but what do you think you'll do after retaking Wall Maria? I'm guessing a defense plan comes first, but after that? What's next?" I ask. I have to be somewhat discreet about our conversation here, it's one thing when we're in his office and an entirely different thing when we're in the common meeting halls. Someone could be dawdling outside the room, waiting for us to depart.
"Eliminating threats. Outside the walls there seems to be someone hoping that titans will eat us all, down to the last person. As to who, well if we have any luck, we'll find that answer in the cellar. A full plan will have to wait. First we need to see what's in that room."
"You realize I'm asking this now because you might not live that long? You're not exactly as spry as you used to be." I say, looking at his empty sleeve, "Let Hange call the shots on this mission. In your shape, you'll only be dead weight. You sit back and wait for the good news. We'll tell the others I argued 'til you gave in. Which I will, so why not make this easier on both of us? What do you say?" I ask. He knows I'll argue regardless, and I know he wouldn't let the Scouts think he was chickening out. I can see him working it over in his head.
"No." He says, causing my head to snap up, eyes wide. I didn't think he'd outright refuse it. "Do what you need to. Use me as bait. The chain of command still remains. If I'm gone, then Hange. If Hange's gone, the next. It's true this operation will be extremely dangerous, but it will also be the most important one in human history. That's why I've gone to such lengths. This is my plan, Levi. Without me leading you, you're less likely to succeed."
He's really fucking serious?
"That's true, without you, the operation might fail. But if you bite the dust out there, we're really screwed." I won't let that happen after all that's come about this week, and we truly would be lost without him. "So just stay safe at your desk and keep using that head of yours. As far as I'm concerned, that's the last thing the titans would want, and the best weapons that humanity's got."
"No, you're wrong. Our best option is for me to gamble it all on the plan that I came up with–"
"Okay, that's enough." I interrupt him before he can make any more stupid declarations. I could smash his perfectly combed head into the table. He wouldn't see it coming. "Stop right there. Any more of those noble-ass excuses, and I'm gonna break both your damn legs. Not too badly. They'll heal just fine, but you'll be way too busted up to even think about joining us on the operation, and it'll be a bitch to get to the toilet."
He just shakes his head at me. Ignorant bastard.
"Don't like that idea much. Normally I'd agree with you. A wounded soldier should stay off the battlefield. However... that may be the day we learn the truth about our world, and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it."
"Being there is that important? More than your legs?" I ask him, incredulously.
"Yes." He says.
"More than humanity's victory?" More than being with me? I want to add.
"Yes."
"I see." I say, turning away from him and starting towards the door. Obviously there's no changing his mind. Save for tying him to the chair so he can't leave this room, there's nothing else I can do. I look back and tell him before leaving, "Fine Erwin. In that case, I'll trust your judgment."**
I exit the room, leaving him alone. If running head first into battle like that is what he wants then fuck it. I'll let him. But is it so fucking horrible of me to be reluctant to let him go on a suicide mission?
I try to calm myself as I turn down the hall, but truthfully I'm... I don't know. There is a feeling deep inside me that burns and aches at the same time. Is this what love is like? Because this is fucking awful. I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy.
And shit. I just said love. Fuck. Life was so much easier when I didn't fucking expect anything from it.
"I'll trust your judgment."
I told him I trusted him. I won't fight him about it then. No matter how much it pisses me off.
The hallways feel different now. Less permanent. Like they could crumble at any minute. It's making me anxious, the uncertainty of it all. It was one thing to charge into battle when I didn't feel like there would be anything waiting on the other side for me, but he's changed everything, given me hope.
After retreating to my room, I carelessly throw my Scouts' coat on my dresser. I halt, shake my head and pick the coat back up gently. My room can't be trashed just because I'm frustrated. Actually, I'll clean up the rest of the room, too.
I wipe down the dresser, all of the shelves, and the dining set. The sheets get mindlessly turned. After I've refluffed the pillows and dressed the bed again, the tea set on the dining table catches my eye. I wash those too in the bathroom sink. Suds slide off of the teacups as my mind drifts back to him. I wonder what he's doing now. Preparing for tomorrow, perhaps. Packing his things. Will I ever get to see his room again? Would that even be a good idea?
Who am I kidding? The scrubbing and washing has just served as a distraction from my current ordeal. No amount of tidying will erase the last few days. Thinking about the possibility that we might not survive this is making me feel sick. Thinking of his lifeless body decaying into the earth somewhere in Shiganshina.
But none of that is certain so I try to shake those thoughts away. We've got some time before dinner. Erwin will probably be in his room. I guess I should take advantage if our days are numbered.
Erwin
My bedroom door creaks, revealing Levi stepping in.
"Captain," I greet him.
He nods at me, closing the door behind him.
"Packing early?" Levi asks, frowning at my dresser as he sets down the teapot and cups he's carrying. I've gathered most of my things in the room on top of my dresser now. The packing has allowed me to spend time reflecting on this morning.
Levi was upset about my decision to take the field, that was obvious. But I can't let our fears and yearnings keep me from this. I've been mulling it over as I collect my things from around the room. I could use a break now.
"We'll need to make sure we have everything ready for tomorrow evening. We leave at sunset." I say, shrugging off my Scouts' coat and putting it on the back of one of the chairs.
"Right." he nods curtly, frowning. He is suddenly very focused on removing his coat, toying a little too long with undoing the buttons.
"Something wrong?"
"It's nothing." he mutters.
"It doesn't seem like nothing." I note, stepping towards him. He looks up at me, eyes intense.
"I just... don't understand." he says, jaw set.
"Don't understand what?"
"Your logic on this. Yes, we all have our parts to play, but why does yours need to take place on the battlefield? I want to trust you, but we don't know what we're up against."
"We knew this was a possibility. That we'd all have to make sacrifices." I say, picking up the teapot and one of the teacups.
"Oh. Sacrifices. That's rich." He says, shaking his head, "Well maybe we should get started, since this could be our last night together."
"It doesn't have to–" He forces me back into one of the chairs, sending one of the teacups into the wall on the other side of the room. It shatters into tiny wet pieces of porcelain. And then he is in my lap, fist full of my hair, fingernails digging into my scalp, lips vigorous against mine. I meet his mouth and our teeth bump. But instead of slowing down or pulling back he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth, biting, hard. The tang of blood infuses my tongue.
"Levi..." I start, pulling away. But his eager fingers meet the buttons on my shirt, clumsily ripping each out of their buttonholes.
"I want you to fuck me. Right here, right now, like this." He doesn't bother pushing my dress shirt off of my shoulders, instead he moves straight to my belt, unbuckling it with a frightening determination.
"Whoa, maybe we should talk about this." I pant, my tongue flicking out to the lingering blood from my lower lip.
"Nothing more to talk about." His eyes catch on the blood. He brings his mouth back to mine and his tongue slides over my bottom lip, lapping up the metallic taste.
He sits straddling me, grinding in circular motions like he's getting paid for it in a seedy brothel. I clumsily attempt to grab his waist and keep up. My own length yearns to remove the fabric between us, but my head is setting off warning bells. His hips grind into me in a way that is almost painful. And he's latched his teeth onto my bottom lip, undoubtedly drawing more blood. His force isn't from lust, I realize, it's anger. But I don't want us to be like this.
My chair scrapes the floor as I stand suddenly, forcing him off of me. He's so startled he doesn't react fast enough to me pushing him against the wall behind him, causing the picture frame next to his head to shake and teeter on its side. My arm pins his arms above him, panting. Our breaths are equally as labored as we stare each other down, faces inches apart.
"Are we going to fight like men about this?" I ask, eyeing him hard as his chest rises and falls.
"As long as we're naked when we do it." he says, glaring back at me.
"You're in no position to bargain." I say through gritted teeth.
"The only reason you're pinning me right now is because I'm letting you." His arms don't have any force in them so I know it's true. My one arm is no match for his two.
"Bastard." I narrow my eyes, still panting.
"Fool." He says icily, his breaths matching mine.
"You're angry," I observe. "Why come here then?"
"I'm not angry. I'm hurt." he mutters, pushing my hand off of his arms. He maneuvers around me and out of my grasp, "You seem to have no issue running into a battle you know you have little chance of surviving. Why?"
"It's... complicated." I sigh.
"It's a fool's errand is what it is." he shouts, hissing through his teeth as he whirls around to face me.
"Levi, please. It's important to me. I need to be there." I reach out for his hand, but he instantly pulls away.
"Yeah, you're a broken fucking record on that front. Why?" he asks. I almost confess, but I fear if I tell him why he won't understand. He'll think it's ridiculous. And I don't want him worrying about me when we're in battle.
"I have my reasons. Don't worry about me. You just do what you always do out there." I step closer to him once more, bringing my fingers up to his neck, sifting through the hair meeting his nape. "Let's just drink our tea. We can make tonight special." I bring my lips to his softly, and then move them to his neck. He immediately pushes me away, eyes narrowed.
"You're pathetic." he snarls at me, "You can't just charm your way out of this." He shakes his head, eyes avoiding mine.
"Please don't be angry with me." I plead. Levi seems to almost hesitate, but instead glares at me, taking a step back.
"We're late for dinner." He doesn't look back at me as he strides out, slamming the door behind him.
Levi
I don't get it. Why does this stupid fucker have a death wish? And why can't he just fucking tell me why it's so important. I was willing to try and understand where he's coming from, but trying to manipulate me into dropping the whole thing with his fucking mouth? Now I'm fucking angry.
The hallway is empty save for two cadets talking in hushed tones, heads bowed together.
"Get to the Mess Hall. You're late for the celebration." I order, stomping past them without looking back.
"Geez, looks like he's back." I hear one of them say to the other. Like I fucking care.
The Cadets must be ecstatic about the dinner menu, because I can hear the buzz coming from the Mess Hall all the way down the hallway. As I approach, Hange is standing just outside of it, conversing with one of the cooks. The words "natural" and "peas" are thrown around.
"Everything okay on Lovebird Lane?" Hange questions as I approach, worry in their voice.
"That man is unbearable." I mutter.
"Ahh, first lover's quarrel?"
"It's not even a fight. He's just being an idiot."
Hange sighs, "You two have always been in agreement and always met a fight head on. How is this different?"
"It just is." I mutter, shoving past them and barging through the cafeteria doors.
I was right; the mess hall is unusually animated at the promise of meat. Someone is a blabbermouth.
The other section leaders sit at our usual table, also much more chatty than usual. I really don't care to entertain any conversation right now, but it sounds a lot better than running back to my room, chancing another run in with Erwin. I fear I might cave if we are alone again. As I near the table someone catches my arm.
"Captain Levi, Commander Erwin was planning on giving a speech before we commence. All the Section Leaders were asked to be present with him."
"Fine." I say curtly, changing direction to the front of the room. Best not to cause a commotion about this issue.
I spot his stupid bonde hair from the moment he enters the cafeteria. Erwin has become the fearless Commander again, as poised as ever, unfazed, moving to the front of the room. He's got a bright red spot on his lip where I bit him. Good.
The Scouts notice his presence up front and conversation slowly starts to die. I wish I could walk across the room and punch him in the face, just to ruffle his perfect feathers. Instead I make my way to the front and take my position to his right without looking at him, peering out over the crowd. I can feel his eyes on me.
"Levi, can we please–"
"We're being watched." I say, cutting him off and surveying the crowd, "Just give your damn speech."
The speech is good enough, I'm sure. I can't really focus on it. Standing up here next to him is causing a weird mixture of emotions in me. Sadness. Anger. Fear. I feel like we're under a spotlight, and everyone can see my feelings written all over my face. I realize Erwin's said something about me. I nod to our audience, hoping that was a normal response.
When it ends the cadets cheer and I stalk over to our table. Hange takes a seat next to me, looking to me and then to Erwin standing at the front of the room still, then back to me.
"Do you need backup?" Hange whispers, concerned.
"No, just forget it. We've got more important things to worry about." I poke some meat around my plate with my fork. It looks like it should be appetizing. Maybe to them. But it's tough and too salty. It just tastes... like change. Another new thing to get used to, to have forced upon us.
Erwin approaches the table, having grabbed a plate. You can't miss him at that height. He stops at the only open seat at the table now, which happens to be next to me. Without a glance I scoot closer to Hange, leaving a wide berth between myself and him. I keep my eyes glued to my plate. I'm practically boring a hole in it.
"Great speech, Commander." Someone says.
"Yeah, really inspirational!"
"Please, it was nothing." Erwin says. They might mistake it for a normal tone, but I can tell his voice is strained. I look over to him. Seeing him makes my chest hurt now. Thinking about him on the battlefield, thinking about our quarrel earlier. Before I can look away his eyes meet mine. There is tenderness there.
Maybe if I just– No. This affair needs to end. I won't be able to bear it if I lose him.
"Enjoying your dinner?" Erwin asks softly.
"Your lip is bleeding." I tell him, eyes on the dark spot on his lip. I turn back towards my meal, resisting the urge to tend to his mouth. It might have been my doing but that doesn't mean he didn't deserve it. Better to stop myself from caring now before I have to go through the heartbreak of losing him forever. I don't know why I ever thought getting involved with him was a good idea.
"Oh? And whose fault is that?" he brings his napkin to his mouth, blotting away the red.
"Mine. Doesn't mean you didn't deserve it." I grumble. Chatter in the dining hall continues as I stab some more meat with my fork, reluctantly taking a bite.
"I hardly think that's fair." Erwin says, setting his napkin on the table. "Let's talk this through like men. Please."
"Why? So you can give me another shitty excuse?"
"Will you just give me some time to explain? You're being unreasonable. I–"
Before he can finish a commotion starts on the other end of the Mess hall. A crowd has gathered and started hooting and hollering around some type of entertainment. I swear to god if it's another arm wrestling match between Jean and Connie. Whatever is going on, I'm going to put an end to it. The noise is giving me a fucking headache that I don't need right now, and it's a perfect excuse to leave this table.
"I've got it." I say, not looking back as I bring my leg around the bench and make my way across the room.
I weave my way through the crowd that's gathered in the middle of the room and of course the culprits are none other than Eren and Jean, throwing weak punches at each other, panting with each fist thrown. Fucking Christ.
*I walk up and without asking questions kick Eren back and knee Jean in the stomach.
"Go to bed." I tell the two idiots and their spectators. Jean immediately crumples up and vomits on the floor. "And clean that up." I add, scowling at them.**
They scurry away to different corners of the place while I storm out and back to my room, pulling another plate of meat from a table on the way out.
The halls are completely empty now. Everyone's still wrapping up dinner. I enter my room and reluctantly sit at the table, staring down my plate.
I can't eat. I feel sick. I push the platter away and shove myself up from the table, pacing around the room.
Maybe I should've just heard him out. He's had time to think, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's changed his mind on anything. I certainly don't think I'm being unreasonable for asking him to give a logical explanation for his need to be in Shiganshina, but apparently he does, which pisses me off even more. Obviously we don't see as eye to eye as I had previously thought.
Without thinking about it, I swivel, making my way to the bathroom. My toothbrush is at the sink. I'll need to remember to pack it up. My mouth turns minty as I forcefully brush my teeth, scraping the bristles across my enamel, carefully trying to keep my thoughts on preparations for tomorrow. I can just pack now. That will keep me busy.
All of my things are in their respective drawers, unpacked immediately as we arrived. I curse myself, wishing I could have been someone who haphazardly throws my possessions around the room. Maybe then it would've taken me longer to pack and I wouldn't be sitting at the table alone now, teacup empty and mind reeling.
I've slept through the night all week. Maybe this week has changed me forever in ways besides crushing my heart. I can simply sleep now. Anything sounds better than sitting here and stewing over him.
My boots come off, and then I pull off the rest of my clothes, not thinking about the last person to remove them from me.
I lay under the papery sheets and stare at the ceiling and wait.
And wait.
And wait.
I can't fucking sleep.
The man has fucking ruined me. It was so much easier to stay awake when I simply didn't expect to get sleep. Now my head is just filled with emptiness. The absence of him in my bed makes it feel too big, makes the room feel too big. And fucking cold. Goosebumps cover my arms as the nightly chill creeps in around my room.
I throw the duvet off and pull my clothes back on. This room and all its recent history is suffocating. I need to get out of here.
Erwin
There was a burning ache in my chest as I watched Levi walk away in the Mess hall earlier. He barely looked at me at dinner. It took everything in me not to grovel at his feet in front of the whole Scouts Regiment. But he is so angry he won't even give me the chance to explain myself. He's right, I probably do deserve this.
"Anything you want to share?" Hange asks tentatively. We cleaned up our plates at dinner and are now walking back to our rooms. We linger outside Hange's room now.
"Did he tell you what happened?" I ask, turning to stop at their door.
"Not really... He was pretty pissed. Sounds like you guys had a disagreement?"
"That's correct. I told him I'm going into battle, and he urged me to rethink my decision. When I stood by it he got angry."
"Do you think that's wise, in your condition?" Hange says, eyes on my sleeve. I wish everyone would stop doubting my abilities now.
"I have my reasons for going into battle." I say.
"And I'm guessing Levi doesn't think they are good enough."
"I... hadn't revealed them to him."
"Oh? Why not? You know him just as much as me. Even better now, I suppose. He'll always let you know his opinion on anything. If you've declared a stance and he doesn't agree with it, he'll think it's stupid until convinced otherwise."
"Yes, I'm well aware of his tendency to debate. But what if the reason I don't want to share is because I'm... afraid. That he'll think it ridiculous."
"Hmm." Hange ponders, "is it ridiculous?"
"Not to me." I insist. They study me, glasses reflecting the lights on the wall behind me.
"Commander, if I may be so bold. I've never met two people who seemed to understand each other more than you two." Hange looks around and then lowers their voice, continuing, "And I've seen the way you look at each other. Do you think you couldn't possibly make him understand? And if so, is keeping your reasons to yourself worth losing him?"
I ingest Hange's words, sighing finally. Hange's right. Levi has been entirely honest with me about everything, opening up about his childhood and his fears about us, and I've given him almost nothing back. I've let all of the strategy and planning and ordering people around consume any outside conversations we've had about our lives.
"No, it definitely isn't. I can fix this. Thank you, Hange. You will make a great leader when I'm gone." My mouth turns up into a slight smile that they return.
"Aw, c'mon. Don't talk like that. I'm sure we will be heading into even more dangerous and dire battles in the future. This can't be the last one. Besides, as both of your Best Mans', I already have a speech prepared to give at your wedding." Hange winks and then disappears into their room. I shake my head, remembering overhearing Hange and Levi's conversation this morning. A wedding. I'd like to think we could do something like that someday, if Levi can forgive me now.
I change direction, rounding a corner and turning left towards Levi's room. I will explain everything to him, make him understand if I have to. Make compromises if he won't see eye to eye with me. Dying can't be any worse than this ache inside of me.
No one else lingers in the hallway, probably getting ready for bed by now to prepare for the next day's work. I approach Levi's door and knock twice, waiting to hear anything on the other side.
Nothing.
"Levi. Please let me explain. I don't like when you're angry with me." I say against the door, listening for any sounds. Still nothing. I know he's not asleep. I feel a pang in my chest thinking about him going to bed alone, angry and hurt.
"Please. Don't hate me." I knock once more, listening intently. Silence. Obviously he doesn't want to talk to me.
Well, then. I guess I'll be spending my last night before battle alone.
Levi
I find solace in a small alcove in the village, sitting down against the cold cobblestone with my head bowed, my elbows resting on my knees. Lit torches flicker on the walls and cast shadows on the dark cobblestone streets, glossed with precipitation from earlier in the evening.
I needed somewhere to think that's on neutral ground. Everything in my room reminds me of him, swaying me to go back to his room, to seek him out one last time. But I don't want it to be the last time, either. It hurts thinking about us never being together again, and it hurts thinking about losing him out there, but it hurts the most that he can't seem to tell me his reasons for going into battle. I told Erwin about what I went through in my early years. He listened and he understood. For whatever reason it seems he can't give the same grace to me.
I hear voices nearing, but don't make any hurry to move.
It's the brats. Eren, Mikasa and Armin. I can't see them but there's no mistaking it's those three. I ought to order them to bed, but what's the point? Would I just be taking away what little precious time they have together before their impending doom?
Shit, am I doing that for me and Erwin by sitting here pouting?
Their voices interrupt my thoughts.
*"Once we've retaken wall maria and defeated every last one of our enemies, can we go back to how things used to be?" a quiet, feminine voice ponders. It must be Mikasa.
"Some things will be the same, but some things have changed forever, and we'll make them pay for that." Eren says. He does have his moments. He's got guts, at least.
"Yeah." Mikasa says.
"There's more out there though. The sea, remember? A body of water so big that merchants could spend their whole lives and still not get all the salt out. There's so much beyond the walls, not just titans. Water that glows like fire, fields of ice, giant rocks that take days to climb. I joined the Scouts so I could see all those things some day." Armin exclaims.
"Yeah, sure did. I remember." Eren says.
"Alright then! Let's start by finding the sea! I can tell you still don't think it's real Eren. You'll see. It does exist!" Armin insists.
The sea. I remember my Uncle mentioning it when I was small. How he heard it tasted like salt and smelled like wet dog. I always figured it might exist, just didn't have the need to see it.
The dream. That was the bullshit Kenny kept going on about when he died, asking what I was living for. Seems like everyone else knows their answer to that question.
"Okay, fine." Eren chuckles, "I guess we'll have to check it out then."
"That's not good enough. You'll have to promise! This is our chance to explore the outside world. It's gotta be way bigger than inside the walls."
"Okay I promise." Eren sighs.**
I promise.
A promise. That's what I made to Erwin. What I keep making to Erwin and vow to keep every time. That we would succeed. That we'd see this through and end the suffering.
And then I know my answer.
____________________________________
I push open Erwin's bedroom door and see him seated at the dining table, drenched in candlelight. His head abruptly swivels to me, surprise written on his face as he takes me in. His fingers curl around a glass, almost empty except for a little bit of amber liquid at the bottom. He's been drinking. His face is stained with tears, his blue eyes rimmed in red and filled with anguish. It is just enough to break me. The lump in my throat grows twice its size.
"You're here." he states, looking bewildered. He immediately jumps up from his seat and starts towards me before halting in his tracks.
"I'm sorry." We blurt in unison. He chuckles, smoothing his hair down on the side of his head and looking sheepish.
"I went to your room." He tells me.
"I was... out." I say, keeping distance between us. It must have been while I was in the village. He just missed me. "Why were you there?"
"I wanted to explain, but I thought it was too late. Is it too late?" The expression on his face changes from sadness to worry.
"I don't know. You tell me." I cross my arms, holding my stance.
"I don't want it to be."
"Neither do I." I say.
"Good."
"Good." I reply, my mouth forming a hard line. My eyes avert to the ceiling, I am all too familiar with this ceiling and its wooden planks now. I try not to linger on that thought.
"Levi, please don't hate me." Erwin pleads, grabbing for my hand.
"I don't hate you. I just don't understand why it's so important that you go into battle. What could possibly be important enough to invalidate my input on the subject? We've always been a team. We keep each other honest. You said it yourself, you don't have the best odds of survival. You want to know what's waiting for us in that cellar. But why can't you tell me why? Do you not trust me? Is whatever it is really worth risking losing your life, losing... us?"
I wait patiently for his response. If he can't give me the answers I need, as much as it will break me, as hard as it will be, I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him.
Erwin
I look into those grey eyes of his, full of hurt now. I don't ever want to see his eyes like this again. This is my one chance to repair this damage.
"I'm sorry for how I acted and what I said earlier. No matter what happens, out there or in here, we could never lose us. Our time together is permanent and forever. But if you really, truly don't want me to go into battle, I won't." I say, gazing up at him. His eyes are wide. I know he can see the tears wetting my face, hear the way my voice trembles. "I don't think I can walk into battle knowing it might be my last and I'd die with you angry at me. That's a fate worse than death, but I also don't want them thinking I'm willing to sit back and let them die out there in my place. Because they will die out there, we both know it. Too many of them already have. This is one of the most important battles of our lives. I know you don't understand why, but I have other reasons I need to be there, too." I bring my hand to his, and my heart soars when he leaves his fingers in mine, his eyes flitting to them intertwining.
"I'm listening..." He says, skeptical.
I continue on, "I wasn't lying when I said that what I want more than anything is to ensure the survival of my people. You are my people. My father was my people, too. And he gave his life because I was willing to believe in his dream when no one else was. He died... and it was my fault. The truth is that I didn't want to tell you because I was ashamed." I drop to my knees and lower my head, fearful of his response.
"What happened?" Levi asks warily, but he puts a hand on my shoulder, nudging me to continue.
"I believed in his dream, in him. And I was naive enough to think that others would too. That they could put their faith into a stranger and believe that we could have better. So I told people about it. But some people only see dreams as just that. Something that can't become reality. And sometimes it's easier to stay grounded in the current reality than to take a leap of faith. To discover the truths about our world. They killed him for even suggesting it. I want to prove to them that there is something better out there. Something worth taking a leap for. Something worth dying for. I need to, otherwise all of these deaths, my father, my comrades, all those innocent people, will have been for nothing. So I need to know the truth, that none of this was in vain, that my father was right. Even if it kills me."
"But why should it have to?"
"It doesn't, but this is one of my biggest gambles. And I can't promise you I won't die out there." I say quietly. His eyes keep mine, deliberating. I don't know what I'll do if he can't live with that, if he can't forgive me.
I hold my breath until he finally speaks. "Nothing for us has ever been promised. Not whaterver's in that fucking cellar, not the fucking sea, not any happy ending or a fucking wedding. Nothing. So you better be prepared that whatever's on the other side might not be what you're hoping for."
"You're not angry with me?" I ask, looking up to him.
"Angry?" He shakes his head, chuckling, "I think you're a goddamn idiot for going out there, but no, not angry. If you want to gamble your life for your dream then so be it. When my uncle was dying he asked me what I was living for. And at the time I couldn't answer. Everyone thinks I'm this ruthless, cold-hearted asshole, and for a while there, that's what I was. But I realized something tonight. I am living for my people too. Not just them but for their hopes and dreams. Whether that's to fly, or defeat all the titans in the world, or reach the sea, or to know that there's something better out there for us. I live for that. And if the truth is a part of your dream then I won't stop you from getting it. I fight for you to have that choice. And I realized that this whole time I've been living for you, too." He kneels down in front of me and then bows his head to the floor. "Erwin Smith, I am at your service. I have been since the beginning. I will follow you into battle now as I have every time in the past."
"Even if it kills me?" I ask.
He lifts his eyes to mine, peering between the hairs that have fallen in front of his face, "Even if it kills you. I don't care. I don't care if you die tomorrow, or the next day, or ten years from now. I want you. I want to live for you. Right here. Right now. For as long as we have."
I pull his chin up, his eyes are glassy. I kiss him, pulling away slowly and bringing my fingers up to wipe away the tears that have spilled over his lashes.
"And I want all the same as you." I smile softly as he blushes. I want to memorize the exact shade of rose in his cheeks. The exact shade of slate in his eyes. The exact shade of coal in his hair.
Levi mirrors my smile and then brings his mouth back to mine. It's tentative at first, his ice hasn't quite melted yet. I don't dare push him, letting him lead the kiss. His tongue glides over the cut in my lip from his teeth earlier. He pulls away, bringing his thumb up to pull my lip out, examining it.
"Sorry about that."
"It's fine. I would've liked it if I wasn't so alarmed at your aggression."
"I'll keep that in mind." he says, but his mouth is back on mine immediately after and I almost forget the exchange.
He leans forward onto his knees, pushes me back onto the floor and then crawls onto my lap, but it's not forceful and angry like before, it's uncharacteristically timid. Our mouths stay moving the whole time, feeling each other out, tongues dancing. We undress each other as best we can on the floor. Fingers go from hesitant to lazy to frantic, pulling at buttons and buckles, pushing fabric away. Our lips meet between removing articles of clothing, until only our briefs are left.
He pushes me down onto the dark floor planks and lays himself out on top of me. I'm not sure if he's in control of how his body is grinding against mine right now but we're in a rhythm that might as well be without the cotton fabric between us.
"Are we going to do it on the floor?" I pull away from him, amused.
"We can do it wherever you want." He says, eyes pinned to my mouth and glazed over with lust. His fingers reach down for our lengths, rubbing together now. The wood floor is not particularly comfortable, so I gently grasp his arm, pulling it away and pushing us up from the floor.
"Let's move to the bed." I suggest.
"I don't know if I'll make it that long." He confesses, laying his head into my neck.
"Hm, I thought you had better resolve than that."
"Fuck off." I feel the vibrations of his curse against my collarbone.
"Very well, then." I say. Before he can protest I grab his waist and flip us so that he is on his back on the hardwood. I lean over him to kiss his mouth, and then down his jaw to his neck, sucking on the tender skin there. The bruises on him are faint now, a yellow green, but I've just made another at his collarbone. He moans when my tongue moves down his chest to lap over one of his nipples, and then the other, sucking lightly on each. Then I move down to the faint trail of hair underneath his navel, grazing my tongue along him. He watches with hungry eyes as I pull his dick out of his briefs and stroke him.
"Baby, I don't think I can–" He comes the second I get my mouth around his shaft, and I take it all, swallowing every last drop.
Afterwards I hoist myself up and get to my knees, wiping the side of my mouth with the back of my hand.
He glares at me. "What?" I ask.
"I wanted to fuck." he mutters, pushing himself up off the floor.
"I'm not sure how practical that would have been. But we have time for that later."
"Fine. Now sit on the bed so I can do what I do best." I let him push me back onto the bed and he lowers to his knees again, wasting no time taking me into his mouth. Truthfully, I was close too and it takes very little time before I'm quickening my pace into his mouth and releasing into the back of his throat.
He pulls away from me, mouth rimmed in saliva, and leans his head on my thigh. "I'm gonna miss this." he says against me.
"Don't talk like that." I say, bringing my fingers to his hair to spread them between the dark strands, "We don't know what is to come."
"Yeah," he sighs. His head turns towards the dining table. "Think we can have one last tea?"
"Of course." I say, moving to get up.
"No." He pushes me back onto the bed. "Stay here. I'll bring it to you."
"Oh? Tea in bed?"
"Why not? We leave here tomorrow. We've done worse in this bed, anyways."
I sit back against the headboard and watch fondly as he steps to the dining table, naked, and pours tea into two cups. The muscles running down his body are firm, carved from all of our training over the years. So much history in our bodies, in this room.
I reach out and take the first cup he offers. He sets the second on the nightstand and gets into bed, pulling the sheets up. He leans back against the headboard as well, taking hold of his cup once again.
"This was a good idea." I say, admiring the way he looks now, relaxing against the ornate carvings in the wood. His fair skin is a stark contrast against the dark wood behind him, but perfectly compliments the sheets.
"Yes, comfortable." he sighs, eyes closing, "Though if you spill tea all over the sheets I'm not sleeping in them."
"I'll try my best." I say, feigning laughter. It's astounding how easy this has become. He leans against me, hair ruffling against my cheek when he sips. I rest my teacup on my knee when I'm not sipping, the underside heating the sheets.
"Do you really think we can do it?" he asks, breaking the silence.
"I think we are the best chance we have." I say, leaning my head against his.
"I suppose so. Do you think it will come to needing the serum?"
"I hope it doesn't, not in the middle of it, anyways. It's a decision that really requires time to think."
"Yeah, thanks for bestowing that responsibility on me." he says, sarcasm dripping from his voice.
"Levi, you didn't have to accept. But I chose you for a reason. All of this," I say, gesturing to us, "aside, you have proven yourself the best choice to make the quick decision in battle. I trust you." I plant a brief kiss on his temple.
"I know, but would you believe me if I told you I'm afraid?"
"Of what?"
"Of failing, or making the wrong decision. I pride myself in hiding my fear, but I do feel it." he admits.
"As do I," I say, "but I have faith in you. You will make the right decision when the time comes. And so far you haven't failed me."
He looks up to me, pursing his lips. "Thanks. I needed that." he says.
I smile down at him."I will always have faith in you." I say softly.
"I won't let you down. They'll have to kill me first."
"Yeah, good luck to everyone who tries." I shake my head, smirking at the thought.
Levi's head still rests in the crook of my neck as his fingers trail along my shoulder. We sip the last of our tea, talking about preparations for tomorrow.
"Done?" he reaches out for my empty cup eventually. I nod, handing it to him. He gently sets it on the nightstand next to his. "Good. Wouldn't want to break any more precious dishware. I know how you feel about porcelain."
"Yes, well I spent a good ten minutes collecting teacup shards from the floor earlier. It's a wonder neither of us got any scratches on our backs from lingering pieces." I say, gesturing to the floor where we laid an hour before.
"Oh yeah, I thought I felt a pinch on my back." he says, reaching behind him.
"Really? Are you hurt?"
"Maybe. Nothing a little fucking can't fix." he swiftly maneuvers around, clutching the headboard and swinging a leg over me, straddling my lap.
"I should've known." I say, but I bring my arm around his waist and lean in to touch my lips to his just as he fists my hair. His tongue pushes my mouth open and I oblige him. Teeth glide over my lip again and he bites, this time with less force, but still breaking skin. He laps up the blood with his tongue, moaning.
"I love that sound. I need more of it." I say, pulling away. I bring my fingers around his nape and hold his head up in place while I put my lips to his neck again, earning a whimper from him. I lick the spot I just sucked, and up to his jaw, biting gently, earning another moan.
I taste a salty liquid on my tongue and pull away abruptly, fearing I've drawn blood, hoping it's not dripping onto the sheets. But there is no blood, just the wet trail of a tear down his face. When I look into his eyes they are glassy and red.
"What's wrong?" I ask, worry in my voice.
"Will you make love to me?" he blurts, eyes wide.
"Oh. I—" I am so caught off guard at his sudden request I can't respond.
"I mean, I love fucking you and I respect you as a person. And I guess that I like spending time with you outside of the bedroom too, so if that means love then—"
"You don't have to say it. I already know." I say, my heart swelling, "And I love you, too. I've always loved you."
"Always?" he asks. I hold his face and wipe away the stray tear.
"Yes, ever since the underground. And I'll always love you after...everything, too."
"Give me your word."
"My word is yours."
He smiles at this but doesn't say anything else so I pull him to me, meeting his mouth with mine again and twisting my fingers through his hair.
He straddles me still, his pelvis grinding into me. I sit back against the wooden frame of the bed. His mouth seeks mine like he can't stay away.
"Can we do it like this?" he asks against my lips, "I want to face you. I want... I want you to hold me while I ride you." His expression is sheepish, but he now has a hand around my hard erection, stroking me lazily.
"You can have it however you want it, baby." I breathe, trying to focus while he works me over.
We are slow and deliberate this time. A tangle of limbs as I pull his waist to me and our dicks rub together. I grab both of us in my hand, eliciting a moan from him. He leans to the side, fingers clumsily grasping for the bottle in the nightstand.
"You might have to make another trip to get more." I chuckle against his mouth.
"There's plenty. No one will notice a couple of bottles missing." He pours a great deal of liquid into his hand and intertwines our fingers around our matching erections.
I shove my tongue into his mouth, pulling him closer by the waist and up, rubbing him against myself.
"Ride me, then." I whisper into his ear.
He slicks his hand over my dick one more time, before reaching his other hand behind him, readying himself for me.
Levi
We are both moving now, Erwin and I holding each other as our bodies join as one. His mouth can't get enough of me. Enough of my mouth or my jaw or my ear or the sweet spot at my neck. And I put mine on him just the same. I wish he had his other arm if not to encircle me wholly so that we can never leave this spot.
"Oh, fuck." He rubs his hand over his face, leaning fully back into the headboard. His eyes are glued to me, and he bites his bottom lip. I can tell he's getting close. I am too, the pleasure building to a pressure point.
"Erwin." I cry out, releasing in his hand between us.
He shifts, leaning back and pulling me down on him by the waist for a couple more thrusts before coming inside of me. And then he slacks forward, head resting on my shoulder. He is truly a beautiful sight come undone like this.
"I love you." I say, my fingers in his hair. I don't want to leave him without saying it out loud.
"I love you, too." he responds, lifting his head. We kiss again, and then once we catch our breath I move to his side and reach for the foot of the bed. In our hurry to undress each other earlier clothes were strewn around the room. Luckily my shirt landed within reach. I swipe it up and wipe us both down.
Afterwards we lay together, talking. Erwin asks about my friends from the underground. And I tell him about them, and everything else from that time. He tells me about his childhood, how they told him his father was in an accident but he knew better. This world has been cruel to both of us in different ways, but it's shaped who we've become today. I don't know that I'd change anything if this wasn't the outcome.
Erwin takes his time the second time. He hovers above me, keeping a slow rhythm in me. I let out a whimper as he dips his tongue into my mouth and trails his fingers along the inside of my thigh. I moan when he puts his mouth to my neck as he thrusts inside me. The world around us fades away with each of our movements, like we can fuck all of our problems away, melt together and leave this misery we've come to know.
His fingers close around my neck, right under my jaw. "Tell me you love me again." he whispers, lips against my ear.
"I love you. So fucking much. I want to make love to you again and again." he moans at my admission, thrusting harder into me, pushing me over the edge.
We climax in near synchronicity, and then we take a moment, breathing each other in. The world slowly comes back into focus as we come down.
Finally he gets up, moving around the room to blow out candles. The space he had occupied is cold in his absence, but only briefly until he slides back in. I watch him quietly, wishing I could freeze this moment in time.
"What is it?" he asks after sliding back in and pulling the sheets above him. He shifts onto his side to face me.
"I want this night forever." I whisper quietly.
"Tomorrow will come eventually." he says, but a smile touches his lips.
"Then promise me tomorrow, too."
"What happened to 'Tomorrow's never promised'?" he teases.
"I'm a changed man." I say, yawning.
"I can see that." he chuckles and kisses my forehead. I strive to keep my eyes open but the day has been exhausting. My consciousness slips away as he holds me in his warm embrace.
_______________________________________
"So you wouldn't marry me?" I hear Erwin's voice next to my head, low and husky.
"What?" I ask groggily. The sun through the window is blinding and I abruptly shut my eyes after attempting to open them.
"If we survive all of this. Sometime way in the future. You wouldn't do it? Are you... ashamed of lying with a man?"
"Shit. You heard that conversation?" I say, running my hand over my eyes, "No. I don't particularly care who people think I'm fucking and vice versa. I just don't want anyone to think I've been sleeping my way through the ranks."
This earns a hearty laugh from Erwin as he shifts so that he's on his back. "To think anyone would actually believe you'd let me give you a title of ranking without having earned it. But I do see your point. And to be honest, I like that we don't have to share each other with the world. Not like this. It may be selfish of me but I don't want anyone else in the world to see Levi Ackerman like this." he turns his head back to me, admiration in his eyes as he examines my face.
"I'd say I will marry you but I suppose we shouldn't make promises we can't keep." I say quietly..
His expression is pensive, "Fair enough. Though I do love the idea of you in a tuxedo."
"In one or out of one?"
"Both." Erwin smiles, stealing one last kiss before encircling me with his arm and drifting back to sleep.
We sleep late.
Well, sometimes we sleep. We lay late, we cuddle late, we kiss late, we fuck late. All of those things. Hange knocks and we send them away. And then we kiss some more. And fuck some more. And lay some more after that. The Scouts can handle preparations for the morning for themselves. We've already done the planning and strategizing.
I'd give anything to continue on like this. You'd think the world didn't exist, that it was just us two. Last men standing. I don't give a fuck about anything right now but the man in bed beside me. All blonde and tall and deep blue eyes. Achingly blue, annoyingly blue, fiercely blue eyes. I would look at nothing but them for an eternity, given the chance.
Alas, reality is still very much alive. It is time for us to leave our fortress. I lift myself from the bed, retrieving my clothes from around the room. Erwin does the same, leaning to kiss me every time we bump into each other.
"I'll send someone in to clean up. There's a film of dust on this dresser." I run my finger along it and observe the grey on my fingertip with disgust.
"Maybe you should just do it. And I'll watch." Erwin grins, coming up behind me to grab my waist. I turn around and look up to him, rolling my eyes.
"I would if we hadn't wasted the whole morning away."
"I wouldn't say it was wasted." he frowns, but his tone is light.
"You know what I mean, asshole." I say, but I bring my hands up to his head to smooth down his hair, though the idea of his hair being unruly in front of the Scouts like that does amuse me. Before we part I reach up to kiss him one final time. He smiles at that too, returning the kiss and cupping my face in his hand.
We stop at Erwin's door before exiting, giving the room one last glance-over. This will likely be our last time here. Things could change drastically after the battle. It's borrowed quarters, but I have to admit I'm sad to leave.
"Is it sappy of me to say I'm going to miss this room?" I ask.
"No, I was thinking the same." Erwin says, opening the door, "But we better keep that to ourselves. Don't want the kids thinking we're going soft."
"Wouldn't dream of that." I say, following him out and pulling the door closed behind me.
I start towards my room, but Erwin grabs my wrist, pulling me back and into him. We embrace, holding each other for several moments for what hopefully isn't the last time.
"You know this has to be our goodbye. I can't have you worrying about goodbyes while we're out there on the Wall." he says, looking down at me.
"I know." I say, the words catching in my throat.
"I love you." He says quietly.
"I love you, too." We meet eyes again. Erwin's fingers linger on my jaw, and then he backs away and turns the opposite direction towards the Commons room.
I look over and see Armin down the hall, frozen in place, watching us for God knows how long. I should be worried, but what does it matter if the future isn't promised? That might've been my last time embracing Erwin and I'll be damned if I don't get to savor it.
"Armin." I greet him, crossing my arms, "Something you need?"
"Captain Levi." He straightens up quickly, "Sir, the squad had some questions about the supply list.
"Very well." I say. He doesn't make a move to go, simply studying me. "After you." I scowl as I say it, but my thoughts drift back to Erwin's room, only a memory now.
The rest of the day goes by swiftly. Hoards of cadets run this way and that. We bark orders at them and they scamper off to obey. The rest of the day is too bustling for Erwin and I to even steal a glance at each other. I'm glad we got our time when we could. And I'm also glad we're so busy that I can't think too much about it.
_________________________________________
At sunset we stand in a herd on the wall, the citizens of the city tiny specks below us, shouting words of affirmation and good luck our way. Erwin is on my left, I look up to him. He is in awe at the crowd, too. They are surprisingly exuberant watching us leave. Sadly, I don't know if the Scouts have ever gotten a send off like this.
Suddenly, the cadets start shouting back, raising their fists and yelling to the crowd below. Erwin looks over to the Scouts, watching them hoot and holler. And then I watch, shocked, as he hoots right along with them, letting out a rebel yell that alone would probably frighten a titan. And then he hoots again, fist raised and face scrunched in determination.
Erwin's enthusiasm has only fueled them more. Jesus, I'd like to see what kind of reception we'll get should we survive the damn battle. At this rate, we'd be eating meat for weeks.
Eventually we fan out and the crowd disperses, going back to their normal lives as we march off to battle. I can't say I don't envy them, being able to go back to their normal, boring lives. Fighting over things as trivial as livestock and trade instead of the survival of humanity like we will be in a matter of hours.
The journey to Shiganshina is not a short one, nor an easy one. We don't know what we'll have to deal with in the fallen city, but whatever it is, the Scouts will weather it together. Whatever we face next will be worth it. It has to be.