Keith POV-
My eyes snap open and I look around the room I'm in in a panic. I don't recognize the room and feel my own heartbeat start to pick up. I observe my surroundings quickly without making a sound. I spot a familiar face in the room I think it's Kolivan. I freeze and stare at the leader of the blades...why would Kolivan be here? I ask myself. It seems everything from the previous afternoon comes to the front of my mind.
They thought I was some sort of Galran kid? I look around the area I'm currently in, it's comfortable and has blankets and pillows put together to look like a nook area. There aren't any actual beds in here but there are 2 desks. I quietly extract myself from the bedded area and make my way to the door. I hear a groan and then freeze.
I turn my head to look at the other galra in the room. They all still seem to be sleeping so I leave the room. I head to the med bay, which has a few exausted night staff and sleeping patients in it, none of them notice me. I grab a nearby staff datapad that's already logged in, what idiot leaves their datapad logged in?. I enter my file and then find the age column I change the age from 19 to unkown. I know it's not right that I changed it but I can't let them treat me as if I'm a child, I'm no longer a child.
I have worked long and hard to get to where I am and I love going on missions. It's the only purpose I still have in my life, maybe it's sad to admit but it's the truth. I won't let them take what I've worked so hard for from me because of my age. I don't have to worry about datapad messages because those are deleted after their read so I head back to my room.
When I enter the room a feeling of overwhelming loneliness washes over me. I'm tempted to turn back and go back to the room I woke up in but I stop myself. You can do this Keith, you've done it all your life. You're not some stupid kid anymore and you've worked way too hard to let them take it all from you.
If they really believed that he was a young child they'd not only take away his missions but they'd probably mother hen him. They'd suffocate him and I know I can't deal with that. I can deal with a lot of things but being coddled and forced to be codependent is not one of them. I get into bed and lay down. I stare at the ceiling for a few minutes before I get out of bed and start working out. By the time I stop I can tell the daylight cycle is just beginning.
I take a shower and then change into my blade uniform. I smile at myself in the mirror, in human form, wearing my blade uniform. It has been so long since I saw myself without fur and a tail. The Galran soldier armor was extremely uncomfortable compared to the blade uniform. I go to strap my blade into his holster only to find I don't have it. Which means my blade is in the med bay. I sigh and then leave my room.
If I see Ulaz I'll pretend I was just sent to my room alone the night before. I know the cameras will rat me out but maybe as long as I avoid them they'll take the hint. I don't need to be coddled I just need to be treated as any other blade would. I make sure I'm standing up straight as I enter the med bay. I don't see Ulaz anywhere so I go and find another medic.
"Hello, I'm here to pick up some of my stuff," I tell a tall, long haired, feminine looking blade. They smile down at me.
"I'm guessing you're Keith, you stand out quite a bit, you've had Ulaz frantic for the last few days. Are you feeling better now?" They ask. I try to smile at them but it probably looks more like a grimace.
"Yep that's me, tell Ulaz I'm fine, and I'm feeling good I'm just here to pick up my blade. I forgot it here as I was a bit out of it when I left last night." I tell them. They nod and then walk off. I wait for a moment and then they come back with my blade in hand.
"Here you go now you need to sign it out," they tell me, holding a data pad out to me. I sign it and then they hand me my blade. After that I leave and head toward the mess hall. I would usually head straight to training but I'm practically starving, I guess stasis pods take a lot out of you. I make my way there in silence and then grab some food. I take a seat at an empty table and start eating my food.
After a while I hear a few people approaching I look up to see an angry looking Kolivan, a concerned Ulaz, a panicked looking Antok, and Thace with a stormy look on his face. The whole room goes silent as they scan the room. I try to make myself as small as possible but Ulaz spots me. They start making their way to my table and I think of making a break for it but I don't. Act like nothing happened I remind myself.
By the time they make it to my table, everyone else seems to have moved on. I look at them quietly and they stare back. They all sit down with me and I grab my tray. I think out just standing up and running away, I think of hiding but I don't. I just sit there silently.
"Why did you change your file?" Ulaz asks calmly. I just shrug. I know why and I don't want to admit it to them of all people. I want them to treat me as they did before, like an adult.
"I don't know what you're talking about Ulaz," I state as I stand up from the table, trey in hand. I turn my back to the table and hear a growl. I freeze where I stand. I try to force myself to move, to not let my own fear stop me, to not make a scene. "Sirs," I state turning around to face the table once again.
Thace and Ulaz are both eyeing Kolivan so it's obvious who growled at me. I glare at the table and wait for someone to say something. At this point, everyone in the mess hall is eyeing us. I hate the attention, I hate the stares. I get enough stares as it is with being in my human form most often I don't want anymore.
I would even consider going into my galra form full time if it wasn't for how much more energy it drains from me and the amount of discomfort that I have in the form. They don't say anything and I can feel Kolivan's gaze on me but I once again turn around and go to leave the room. I hear another growl, less loud and deep this time but I continue walking. I turn in my trey and practically sprint for the training rooms.
I enter the training room and let out a sigh of relief leave me. I pull out my blade and turn on one of the combat robots. I fall into the fighting as my familiar training sequence lulls me into a daze. As I go through the familiar motions and let my mind wander. I didn't notice just how angry I was at how differently I was being treated now.
Before they found out they respected me. They treated me like an adult, like a subordinate. They looked at me as just another soldier now they look at me with concern. Which wouldn't be a bad thing if they didn't treat me like a child. Hell, a few weeks ago I almost died for the blade. Maybe I wasn't yet ready to die but I had made my peace with it, now I was still alive and being treated as a child.
I don't know which is worse. I grit my teeth as the bot gets a lucky hit and remember where I am. I'm in the training room and in the middle of a fight with a high level training bot. Which means how's not a good time to be pondering my stupid life and the stupid blade. I let out a growl and lunge for the bot taking out all my frustration at my situation on the inanimate robot.
My growl and sudden vicious attack gains the attention of a few surrounding blades who were also training. The whole room seems to pause as I get off the bot and it goes up to the next combat level. I don't relent in my attacks and I don't fall into the same autopilot mode just was in earlier. I let out years of pent up anger and frustration on the robot. All that fills the room is the violent clanging of metal on metal and occasionally the bot hitting the floor.
After what seems like it could be hours my anger resides until all I feel is hollowness. I turn off the bot and turn my blade back into its dagger form. After that I leave the training room and escape the prying eyes of the other blades. When I finally reach my room I waste no time showering and changing. I sit in my room and stare at the wall. Usually I'd still be training or doing something productive cause sitting around is useless but I'm just so tired.
I'm tired of trying to fight everything the world throws at me. I'm tired of the never ending anger that I have. I'm tired of the loneliness I feel all the time. I lay my head against the wall behind me and close my eyes. I have to hold myself back from crying out of frustration. I just sit there for a while, calming down from my emotional outburst. It's kind of nice to take a moment.
Maybe it would've been better if I died on that ship a few weeks ago. It probably would've been better for everyone if I died without the blade ever finding out my age. I'm broken, everyone can see it. I know it, Voltron knew it, and despite my best efforts the Blade knows it. I tighten my hands into a fist and my sharp nails dig into my palm. I clench my jaw and try to push back my thoughts.
It's been so long since I thought like this, I've been throwing myself into everything I can in order to stop myself from thinking like this. But in the end I always return to being the lonely little boy who lost his dad too young and almost died in the foster system. I sigh and drop my head into my hands. I'm tired of being alone. A traitorous part of me whispers that if I let in Thace, Ulaz, Kolivan, and Antok I won't be alone.
They are the leaders of the blade, they'll probably die out in a mission and I'll never have anyone else. Even then they're too busy for me. Hell, I don't mess them what am I thinking? I've lived alone for most my life. I've fought my own battles and I've felt with loneliness for a long time. It's not the first time I've felt alone and abandoned and it probably won't be the last. I just need to grow up and deal with it.
Even if I do let them in they'll just coddle me. I've fought for too long and gone through too much to still be considered a child. And I can't survive being treated like one. Finally having resolved my inner turmoil I look up from my hands. I notice my datapad is displaying, 18:00, which is dinner time. I get up from my sitting position and put on my boots. In the back of my mind I briefly wonder how long I'd been training and then how long my subsequent breakdown lasted.
Before I leave my room I check my datapad notifications and notice that I got a summons to Kolivan's office hours ago. I know I should probably go seeing how he is my boss and the leader of the blade. But I ignore it. I leave my room and head for the mess hall. Once I get there I load up my plate with meat, veggies, and fruit, a well balanced human dinner. I get a cup of water and then sit down at an empty table. I notice Regris eating with his pack. I watch how they look so happy and unguarded.
It makes me want the same thing. But then I remind myself I can't. Regris has lived a very different life than I have. He can be happy because he deserves it. I don't deserve it. I robotically eat my food. About halfway through my dinner is when the four higher ups decide to grace me with their presence. I watch as they get their food and then join me at my table. I silently glare at them but I don't get up to move. We eat in silence for a few minutes before Kolivan speaks up.
"You ignored my summons Ki-Keith." Kolivan states.
"Didn't see it, I was busy," I lie gruffly.
"I see, we need to talk about this." Kolvian states.
"About what?" I ask, feigning innocence.
"You know what we have to talk about Keith don't play dumb. We either talk here or in Kolivan's office but we have to talk about it." Thace states in an annoyed tone. He and I glare at each other in a mock staring contest.
"I don't need anyone, you knowing my age changes nothing about who I am or how I should be treated. I've survived on my own as long as I can remember and that won't change now. I don't need you to coddle me or treat me as a weak child because I'm not weak and I'm not a child." I state forcefully, in a low tone. This earns his an annoyed growl from Thace which earns Thace a glare from Ulaz which shuts him up.
"Keith, we don't wish to take any autonomy, independence, or self-sufficiency. We don't mean to treat you as weak or a child. We understand you've grown up differently than most and we don't want to make you be something you're not. But that being said you can't continue on your own. You're making yourself suffer and your Galra self suffer by your self imposed isolation. Please allow us to help you, all we want to do is be there for you." Ulaz states, obviously trying to address my concerns.
My automatic response is to react angrily or defiantly, but I pause. My Galran side which is usually dull or depressed seems alight with excitement at this offer. Ulaz is right about one thing my isolation causes me pain, which I hate to admit. My loneliness causes me pain that I struggle with and makes me depressed. Maybe having people could be a good thing for me. Maybe it could help relieve the dull pain in my chest left behind by Voltron's rejection. I sigh, my earlier reasoning now going out the window with my Galran side which is usually on my side basically begging for this.
Finally I come to a decision.
——————————————
TBC
I'm alive! I know it's been forever since I updated and for a while I did have an ending but I reread the story and decided the ending sucked. So here I am giving you all the ending you deserve. Updates will be slow because I have a lot of work with school and other stories which I post on A03 which take importance over this one but I'll do my best. I hope you liked it. :)
Word count - 2658