Desperately the hands that claw me back into hell pursue pain,
Attempts to escape the never-ending torture were all made in vain,
The nightmarish trauma of reliving scars has subsided, becoming mundane,
Forever the beasts that haunt me will hunt and never be slain,
Through thick, thorned tendrils of darkness that keep me contained,
Somehow, light pierces the shadows lining beauty along the terrain,
Warmth, so kind and generous, I embrace it without complain,
When the mental palace fails somehow there's a hope to be sane,
Halo glowing, wings spread, eyes burning, not a trait that's inhumane,
With only a single touch a hole opened up that I cannot explain,
The feeling of freedom so rich and divine, something I must obtain,
But so out of reach this angel sits and my heart can't take the strain...
A poem by Levi Ackerman
"Levi, please put the pen down already!" Isabel complains beside her friend. "It's going to start soon and you're gonna miss the whole damn thing with your head stuck in your book," she folds her arms over her chest eyeing the quiet teen with annoyance at his lack of participation. Sighing at his train of thought now completely destroyed by Isabel's loud intruding voice, he closes his journal and slides the black-covered book back into his bag.
"Just be lucky I'm even here," Levi says and begins to let his eyes wander around the auditorium. They're seated at the very back with lines of black velvet chairs leading up to the stage. The platform itself is grand and big, bulky red curtains hang loosely along the sides with golden rope keeping the sheets tied up neatly. A spotlight is shining from above and the seating area is dully lit by lights attached to the walls. Levi feels the need to remind Isabel that this isn't his desired setting and that the only reason he is participating to see the auditions is for one person and one person only.
Eren is going to be auditioning soon and Levi is eager to see what the brat has locked inside of him. There's natural passion in Eren's heart and this gives him the perfect opportunity to express all that lies within. Normally the theatre would be lame and he would complain about how the dimly lit lights around him obscure his vision. Anything can happen in the dark and Levi prefers a nicely lit area where he can see all possible variables to plan ahead on what his next move will be. That is impossible to do when blinded by the darkness.
Despite this mindset, he still makes an effort to show up for Eren.
"You're mean, Levi. You're not even here to see your best friends try out!" Isabel huffs once more and Levi responds with a roll of his eyes.
"I'll still watch your shitty auditions. Pretty sure you're before Eren, anyway. Farlan's up next, isn't he?"
"Surprised you noticed," Isabel scoffs. Her eyes suddenly tear away from Levi's face to stare at the pen resting gently in his hand. Without hesitation, she flicks the pen out of his grip and Levi watches as his special writing tool is thrown away under one of the seats in front of him. When he faces his devious friend her tongue is poking out at Levi. She's brave, Levi has to admit. She's never afraid of the consequences when it comes to messing with Levi. The two share a hard glare before Levi pounces! Within a second he pulls her head down, grabbing her in a headlock and ruffling up her already messy hair. Complaints and cries for Levi to cease and desist are thrown as he holds her firmly in position. She's not getting out of this. If she is so daring to challenge Levi then she should accept her punishment with grace.
It's not long until those whines of annoyance are joined harmoniously by fits of giggles and laughter.
"Levi! Stop it, please!" Isabel gasps out trying so hard to keep her bellows of joy from escaping her mouth. Smirking in victory, the attacker releases his hold and pokes Isabel in the centre of her forehead. The cheeky girl only grins widely and retrieves the pen she had so rudely thrown away. "You're so easy to trigger."
"It'll be your funeral one day."
"Sh! Sh! Farlan's coming on stage!" Isabel shrieks in delight as the man himself indeed appears on stage. He walks out calmly, his hair slightly combed back to present himself as the professional he told Isabel and Levi he claimed to be. Without a hint of hesitation, he answers the director's questions. Petra Ral, the instigator of this annual production, questions Farlan on his reasons to join the production, and the desired character he wishes to portray and then she asks him to read from the script provided. Levi Is a little surprised when Farlan mentions he's auditioning for the same role as Eren. It'll be interesting to see which one will be granted the lead role.
Farlan reads a few lines, his delivery filled with expressive skills and yet at some points seeming a little confusing to watch. He switches his facial features immensely as if he had no clue what emotion he should be feeling. A few stumbled lines and Levi could hear Isabel attempting to stifle her laughter. He nudges the girl and tells her to be polite, but Levi has to admit that his friend's acting abilities are beyond the average talent. Sad to say his voice isn't believable. There's no wow factor that he assumes Petra is looking for in these students. But, Levi has to hand it to Farlan; even though aware of his faults, his confidence is rather admirable.
"Thank you, Farlan. We'll be in touch next week with how you went!" Petra says sweetly. Her kindness is what makes her a good teacher. No one can be mad at Petra. She's humble, and kind and treats every student the same no matter where you've come from or what you've done. Isabel keeps whispering to Levi how Farlan has no chance of getting picked for the play, and although that may be true, Petra lets him down easy with a bubbly smile and a promise she'll get back to him as soon as possible.
"I best head backstage, I'll be up in a few," Isabel stands up and shows Levi a grin of determination. "You watch, I'll be so much better than Farlan! I'll show him!"
That's the promise Isabel made as she left to prepare herself for her big break. The funny thing is that while both Levi and Farlan were leaning in their chairs at the back of the auditorium, neither was able to take their eyes off her. In fact, her performance was rather astonishing. It left them speechless as Isabel stood under the spotlight and delivered the lines set out for her. Levi rests his head in his hand, elbow propped on the arm of his chair, eyes unable to tear away from the scene before him.
"She's... Terrible," Farlan snorts. Unfortunately, Levi had to agree. Whatever it was they were witnessing, it was painful. She's giving it her all, he knows she is. She's trying so hard but her words have no flow, no emotion, she's just reading off of the page with a voice as monotone as Levi's. This was a comparison Farlan had made receiving a harsh glare from Levi as he had never thought of his voice as monotone...
"She's trying her best. We can't fault her for that," Levi tries, but it really is a disaster up there on stage. All Levi can do is sit and let it happen. Finally, Petra pulls the plug, thanking Isabel for her time, smiling in that incredibly sweet way of hers and gesturing for Isabel to leave. The poor girl follows instructions, and when she returns to her friends her head is bowed and she wears a sheepish smile on her face.
"So..." She begins, already aware her performance was a little shy of a natural catastrophe. "How'd I do?"
"I think you owe me an apology," Farlan snickers. "You call me a bad actor and yet you're just a robot on display up there!"
"Hey! Knock it off, Farlan! At least I managed to stick to a theme! You changed what you were doing every five seconds!"
"Oh yeah?" Farlan stands ready to challenge the fiery redhead. Isabel, too, gets ready to start their usual routine of butting heads while Levi waits patiently between them. It's not the first time the two have been at each other's throats and it will never be the last. One of these days, Levi thinks they should just get a room and resolve this lingering sexual tension the two have been suffering from since day one. Levi can see it in their actions. The way Farlan stares at Isabel with longing and a kindness that is foreign to most others, and the way Isabel constantly tries to gain Farlan's attention by making snide comments and picking apart almost everything the man does; it's obvious to just about everyone besides them. A classic love story in the making, Levi believes.
Levi then widens his eyes as the next audition comes sooner than expected and the careful steps that make their way to the front of the stage immediately draw Levi in. The white jarring light of the spotter that shines down in the centre illuminates the angel that instantly softens the harsh glare. The heavenly white silhouette coats the new entry and it feels almost like a sin to turn his gaze away.
"Quiet, both of you!" Levi scolds. He grabs a hold of Farlan's shirt and Isabel's arm and throws them both back down into their seats. His friends grunt at the harsh impact and begin to make complaints up until they hear Petra speak into the great open space.
"Eren! It's so nice to see you going for a bigger part this year!" The director beams happily, the teen on stage rubbing the nape of his neck nervously but smiling in contentment. "You said you wanted to try auditioning for the role of Lewis this year, is that correct?"
Levi leans forward in his seat, anticipating every word Eren might say. The boy hasn't even fully begun his script reading but Levi is relishing in every word he speaks. Especially when the first word passes through those angelic lips, a sound so radiant and divine.
"That's right, I want to expand my skills and hopefully be a bigger part than stage hand," Eren says and every word is like liquid gold running through Levi's body. Pure and rich and everything Levi wants in a man.
"You do know that without stage hands we cannot run shows. Their role is just as important as the actors," Petra reminds Eren and the boy nods his head in understanding. Frankly, Levi hopes Eren gets the part he desires. Even if he doesn't, Eren will always be the lead role to Levi. Perhaps one day Levi will be brave enough to help Eren understand that.
"We'll start by having you read out the lines as Lewis like you're wanting to, but we will also have you try a few other lines from different characters. Is that alright?"
"Sure, I don't mind," Eren shrugs and pulls out a copy of the script that must have been rolled and slotted into his back pocket. He unfolds the lump of stapled papers and clears his throat, the sound echoing in the auditorium as the entire hall falls silent awaiting his voice to penetrate through. Then he speaks. His voice carries weight across the seats as onlookers watch the audition mesmerised. Those few lines he reads as Lewis clearly show his confusion, the emotion that is meant to be portrayed. He uses his expressive skills incredibly, the use of his facial expressions is astounding as he raises one eyebrow and furrows them frequently when his character finds something that makes no sense. His use of stillness and silence is so effective to the point where not only Levi but also his two friends are reeled in by the pauses and emotional depth that it brings. With careful blocking and movement, he acts the lines out flawlessly. There is only one line he stumbled on, but everything else is pure perfection in Levi's eyes.
The halo above Eren's head never fades, even after he steps out of the stream of white light, heading backstage, finalising his audition. There isn't a doubt in Levi's head, Eren has to be the lead in this production. He has the talent for it, and a deep understanding of who he is attempting to portray. Eren isn't on stage anymore and yet Levi's eyes remain glued to the place he once was.
"He's got a pretty good chance of getting the role," Isabel mumbles quietly after nothing but stunned silence passes between them.
"I think I better forfeit," Farlan decides, and Levi nods in agreement. Compared to all the other auditions, Eren had something special. A raw talent that Levi hasn't seen before. In his honest opinion, he still believes the theatre to be on the lower end of his interests. Watching Eren, however, has given him a new perspective. There are actually some technicalities when it comes to acting and Eren expressed that quite thoroughly.
He needs to see him. Levi wants to wish him well and tell Eren that he believes in him and he is certain Eren can bring dimension to any character he is elected for. Quickly Levi bids farewell to his friends and begins his quest to tell Eren exactly that. Luck must be on his side today as the moment he steps outside of the auditorium he spots Eren exiting the backstage door into the main hall. Finding Eren was the easy part. The hard part will now be the task of speaking to Eren away from his horde of friends that await him. Mikasa and Armin are there, each grabbing an arm of the poor teen's and escorting him down the hall in the direction Levi stands. Levi gulps and suddenly he's not so confident. Something about big crowds and being under the watchful gaze of Mikasa and Armin doesn't sound like a party Levi can get behind.
Backing out seems to be the only option available to him. He tries to step back but Levi is stopped when he runs right into Farlan's chest. His friends have exited the auditorium to give Levi the moral support he needs and Levi cannot thank them enough for being all too familiar with his nervous and anxiety-induced behaviour. Eren's group passes and Levi goes to call out to the bright-eyed brunet, yet the words fail to pass through his lips. He wants to say something but no sound comes out. Levi silently curses his failure and decides it best to retreat. Yet again, he is pleasantly surprised.
"Hey, Levi! Did you come to the auditions? That's awesome!" Eren's voice pipes up quite happily and Levi watches in amazement as he pulls from his friends to talk to him.
"Yeah," Levi manages to say after a moment of stunned bewilderment. "I thought it'd be... educational."
Eren snorts at that before he turns back at his waiting friends. Levi follows his gaze and isn't too surprised to see the burning glare of hatred oozing out of Mikasa. Her aura is quite unpleasant and Levi can sense the stink of hostility wafting its way over to him. He ignores her as best as he can and puts any and all focus onto Eren who smiles at him in that dreamy way of his.
"Not sure what education a school play can provide, but I appreciate you showing up! Considering you think theatre is lame."
"It is lame," Levi agrees with the statement. "But you make it look good."
Whoa! Did Levi actually manage to sneak in a compliment? He's on a roll today! He managed to sit through an entire cast of auditions and survived, he has worked up the courage to (sort of) approach Eren and even managed to slide in a flattering remark to his desired love interest. The comment doesn't go unrewarded, either. The slight tinge of red on Eren's cheeks brings a warm sensation to Levi's chest and he feels quite pleased with himself he managed to cause that.
"I haven't even been rejected yet, but shit, I'm so nervous!" Eren says through a shy laugh. "I saw Isabel and Farlan go for a part as well, you guys did well!"
Eren is only trying to be polite to the two people standing idly behind Levi, but that's one of the many qualities that has won Levi's heart over and over. His compassionate nature feels rare in these trying times and it never fails to stir something deep inside Levi's tense little body. Farlan and Isabel both thank Eren for his support, and that's when one of his other friends decides to butt in. A boy that shares a few classes with Eren, his hair two-toned and his face appearing longer than the others.
"Hey, Eren! You never said well done to me!"
"Go fuck yourself, Jean," Eren instantly responds. The jovial expression drops off Eren's face as if a switch has been flicked. God, it's hot when Eren swears. Something about dirty profanities coming from a boy Levi classes as a blessing from God is both hilarious and attractive. Jean is momentarily taken aback but bites in retaliation only after a second.
"Real mature, you bastard! You got a problem with me? Why don't you turn around and tell me to my face!"
Eren has no fear when he listens to Jean's words and does indeed turn around to face him.
"I said," Eren speaks leaning in close to Jean's face. "Go. Fuck. Yourself. You damn horse face. There's no way you'll be picked for a role since there are no farm animals to audition for."
Levi snorts. Eren is fucking brutal as he rips into Jean's appearance of his long face and horse-like appearance. Poor kid had the important role of playing a horse in last year's production and since then he has never heard the end of it. Levi can see the rage slowly boiling in Jean's brain and the urge to punch Eren shows in the way he clenches his fist.
"Well, at least I had a part in the production! Miss Petra had to keep you backstage because you're such a handful."
Eren flinches and Levi takes careful notice of how his annoyance and anger are replaced with embarrassment.
"I wasn't a handful..." Eren says rather timidly. The once prideful and energetic brat is now being replaced with a shy and sad little boy that has plenty to say but is unsure of how to word it. Instead of fighting Jean in a battle of fists, the usual tension breaker for these two, Eren simply shakes his head and walks off ahead of everyone. The door to the outside is swung open and Eren leaves, the others remaining quiet. Mikasa turns to Jean and smacks him upside the head.
"Ow! What was that for?!"
"You know Eren gets sensitive about last year's production."
"Did you not hear him bag me out for my face being like a horse? Come on Mikasa, bastard started it!"
"And I will finish it."
"Hey, Levi..." Farlan tugs at Levi's jacket and calls for his friend in a hushed voice. Levi eyes him to show he's paying attention and Farlan gestures to the exit where Eren ran off. No more needs to be said. Levi knows exactly what he's getting at and Isabel must be thinking the same thing. Together the two give Levi a small nudge in the direction of where Eren left and without complaint, Levi complies. Eren is alone and by himself, probably stewing over everything that was exchanged between him and Jean. This would be the perfect chance for Levi to swoop in and attempt more conversation. Something Levi isn't exactly good at... but there is always time to learn!
Eren didn't make it very far from the auditorium and is just about to exit the school's gates. With his bag slung over his shoulders, Levi quickly runs over to catch the fleeing student. Levi is unsure whether Eren is a fast walker or if his legs are just too small to keep up with Eren's long strides. He manages to catch Eren just outside of the school gates and taps him on the shoulder. Eren jolts, startled by Levi's sudden appearance but what makes Levi's heart swoon is how his upset expression is instantly replaced with a sweet smile.
"Oh, hey, Levi. Sorry about back there," Eren lets out a forced laugh and Levi senses that despite trying to smile there's a lot going on in that head. It's a look that Levi feels all too familiar with. Eren is trying to pretend nothing is bothering him, but deep down he can't ignore it.
"Just wanted to make sure you were doing okay," Levi replies honestly. Eren expresses his appreciation in the form of a small smile before the two fall into silence. Not the comfortable kind either. There's a thick fog hanging above them that is suffocating and Levi cannot place why that is. He has questions for Eren, he's curious why last year's production seems to be a trigger for Eren and the said boy looks as if he's constipated, he's so red-faced. Levi opens his mouth to speak, thinking a compliment on his audition would be a great ice-breaker but as soon as Levi takes a breath in Eren speaks first.
"I'm not a handful," He says. Levi raises an eyebrow confused.
"I never said you were."
"No, but Jean did. He said I was sent backstage to help because I was a handful."
"Why would I care about that?" Levi asks, genuinely confused about why Eren feels the need to justify himself. Another pause comes between them and this time Levi is at a loss for what Eren is trying to say. Whatever is between him and Jean is their problem to deal with. An opinion has already been made on each of them and their petty fights are to be expected. That's what happens when you grow up alongside your biggest rival and live in refusal to accept friendship. Levi's been there and done that with past acquaintances and he feels he has no place to judge. But Eren is showing one of those rare vulnerable looks that Levi feels obligated to protect. It is both annoying and adorable when he pouts in sadness like that. Adorable because anything the brat does is appealing to Levi. Annoying because now Levi has to try and be more comforting and he is unsure whether or not he has the capacity to do that.
"It was fucking stupid," Eren groans and buries his face into his hands. "Jean and I got into a fight right before opening night and because I threw the first punch somehow he gets off without so much as a warning and I'm told to help backstage for the rest of the year!" he growls out his frustration and begins waving his arms wildly as he tries explaining his faults with Levi. "He fucking started it! He always starts it with his stupid face... stupid voice... stupid Jean."
"I vaguely recall you insulting him first," Levi points out.
"You're taking his side?"
"No, Eren, I'm looking at the facts. You told him to go fuck himself and triggered the whole thing. I'm not telling you off, just stating a fact." Levi shrugs. Eren at first doesn't look to enjoy Levi's logic however the facts are undeniable. Eren threw the first blow and Jean followed his lead. That's not to say Jean is correct in pursuing the bickering and arguing, but Eren is the prime instigator. Eren eventually sighs with a shake of his head, coming to terms with Levi being right.
"Yeah... Okay. I guess you're right. I have been told I have a bit of a temper."
Yes, a big temper. A temper that's fiery and hot and admittedly attractive in the eyes of Levi. Even if Eren were to get angry at Levi the raven thinks he wouldn't be all that upset. That's the curse of Eren being so damn good to look at.
The fog that was overshadowing them has thinned remarkably and Levi feels as if once again he is being gifted with an angel's smile. It's such a small gesture that seems to wind Levi constantly. How is it that one harmless little smile could be worth so much? It has been far too long of Levi eyeing him from afar and he knows he should make a move. To claim that smile as his, to have and to hold during the day and at night and to savour each and every kiss is the dream. Levi remembers the exact moment he fell in love with Eren and feels his throat tighten as he chooses his next course of action.
"Eren, there's something I want to tell you..." Levi hesitates as soon as those gorgeous emeralds are giving him all their attention. He swallows, overwhelmed by the words that he's wanted to say to Eren for so long. This is the most terrifying thing Levi has ever thought to do, and he has been through things substantially worse than this. Looking at Eren is enough to make Levi crumble into a million pieces. He just stands there looking innocent and patiently waiting for Levi to speak. Eren's doing nothing and yet setting off every single butterfly that remained dormant inside Levi's gut.
He's doing this. Levi needs to grow some balls and prove to Eren he is worthy. The first step is telling Eren exactly how he feels and he won't let anything ruin it.
"Eren, I-"
"Eren! We have to go home. Hurry up!" Mikasa swoops in and grabs a hold of Eren's arm. It's so quick and sudden that Levi feels like he's buffering with both his speaking and his processing of what the fuck just happened. Before he knows it, Eren is being dragged away yelling at Mikasa to slow down and let him go. He's being taken from Levi's grasp. This was going to be Levi's moment and it has quite literally been ripped away from him.
Levi stares down the path where Eren is waving frantically to say goodbye to Levi and Levi manages to raise his hand enough to return the farewell.
Filled with disappointment, Levi bows his head down to face the path under his feet. Grumbling, he fumbles through his pockets for his pack of cigarettes, removing one and lighting it. He inhales deeply feeling the disgusting tobacco hitting his lungs and makes his own way home, reciting his own words through his mind.
So out of reach, this angel sits and my heart can't take the strain...