🎶 Ae Dil Hai Mushkil, Rolling in the Deep & Milne Hai Mujhse Aayi
Published on 05.10.2022
❝ jaane kyu mai sochta hu,
khali sa mai ik raasta hu,
tune mujhe kahi kho diya hai,
ya mai kahi khud laapata hu. ❞
🥀
"I'm sorry for lashing at you yesterday." Inaaya says after they leave the building premises.
She needed to break the silence. She needed to get her mind off Ayansh whose heartbroken face was already haunting her and hurting her. She couldn't let him occupy her thoughts, especially not when she's with Josh. That would be ridiculous and so so wrong.
"It's okay, gorgeous." He says smilingly and squeezes his hand appreciatively and smiles back. She wasn't a fan of the endearment "gorgeous" he used for her often but it wasn't doing any harm so she never said anything. He liked calling her that and she could adjust with that. "I should've been more considerate perhaps. The last few days have been quite hectic and stressful for you and I just acted recklessly. You don't have to feel sorry. No harm done." He throws a wink in her direction and she shakes her head as they walk to her place.
She didn't actually feel sorry for snapping at him, irrespective of the fact that she might have overdone it. But she was aware she probably should feel sorry for snapping at her boyfriend when he just wanted to ask about her well-being so she apologized because that was the right thing to do in the normally accepted opinion.
Ayansh stood quietly, watching her go far from his sight and then realising she wasn't going to come back. He forces his legs to take him to his car.
It's weird how something that we expected, that we anticipated still manages to elicit a response that we didn't think about. Pain was too less a word to describe what Ayansh felt at the moment.
“What is life if not a mess?
What is joy if not a phase?
What is career if not a stress?
What is love if not a regret?
PS - lol I'm so random.”
These lines were written on one of the page of the diary. Everytime he used to stumble upon them, it made him chuckle. But right now, the words felt scary than any other thing. He was alone in the car. He didn't bring his driver with him today. The words in the silence of the void, questioned him, challenged him, mocked him.
Ayansh let out a shaky exhale and leaned his head back, his eyes teary. "No," he whispered to himself as the moment of Josh kissing Inaaya's temple flashed in front of his eyes and another sharp pang of pain shot up, making it a helpless struggle to even breathe.
It was the first time he realised how much of an impact two years can have. He had imagined it, assumed it but to actually witness it was way harder and devastating. Whilst he spent the two years rebuilding himself, gathering courage, being patient, giving her space and time yet keeping her closest to his heart, she probably had moved on. He didn't hate her for it. How could he hate her when he knew it would be selfish to expect her to wait for him as if she owes him something, as if he deserves that.
But damn it, because it hurt!
How can you live, how can you continue when a major part of your soul is with someone else? He didn't know how much of this he could take. Suddenly, the two years he had spent without her, with just her memories, hanging onto a hope which never existed seemed better than seeing her in front of him but not with him. She seemed so unreachable that he actually felt like a wrecked dreamer trying to reach for the sun. He needed to numb the burn, he need to sedate the pain.
Ayansh pulled his car out of the parking lot, rubbing at his eyes to get over the blurry vision and drove to a restaurant cum bar that fell on the way to his place. He took a moment to collect his nerves and wiped his face with his handkerchief before getting out and entering the bar. He tried to not let his emotions get better of him as he sat near the corner counter and ordered a drink for him.
Inaaya got changed into a simple, dark green knee-length dress and put on her blazer over it. She had long lost the desire to go out or dress up or do her hair. Ayansh's helpless face was making her restless and she hated it. She just wanted to sleep and forget about him, forget about everything. She sweeped her hair on one side, did a little make-up, grabbed her clutch and phone and got out of her room.
Maya and Josh were talking to each other when his eyes fall on her and he smiles genuinely.
"You look pretty.... but wait," he got up from the couch and went near her.
Inaaya's first instinct was to step back and she didn't know why. She was used to him standing this close to her and yet right now, it felt so wrong to have him in her vicinity.
Josh pushed her hair that fell over her shoulder to her back. "Better." He grins, eyeing her from top to bottom.
"Shall we leave?" Inaaya asks, a strange need to get over with it overwhelming her.
"Woah." Maya comments. "Seems like someone is in a hurry."
"It's because she missed me in the last few days." Josh boasts and Inaaya feels a slight tinge of guilt because of how untrue it was.
Inaaya and Josh walk together with him filling her with the happenings of his days and she absentmindedly nodding at them. There would be instances when he would affectionately take her hand in his and kiss her knuckles or interlink their arms and she would force herself to reciprocate his gestures with a kind smile while her fickle mind couldn't help but wander off and be worried about a guy who had no right to take up every single thought and make it about him.
When they reached the restaurant, the uneasy feeling that was bothering her all the while scratched at her with a ferocious intensity. Fluttering her eyelashes and inhaling a deep breath quietly, she shoved her hands in the pockets of her blazer as Josh led her in.
They took their usual place near the glass windows from where they could stare outside and admire the serene view of the dark.
And soon Inaaya knew why she felt so restless.
In front of her, after a few tables, he sat on the stool, his one hand resting on the counter, his eyes already on her, bloodshot and distorted. Her heart slammed against her ribcage with a tenacious urgency and then, anger crawled up her veins when she noticed the glass of alcohol. He let out a sardonic chuckle as if laughing at his fate punishing him no matter how much he was trying to escape her. She had an insane urge to slap him at that moment.
"What's wrong?" Josh frowned, his hand engulfing hers on the table and she felt startled.
"No— nothing." She murmured and he turned his neck to look at what she had been staring.
Her heart plummeted. She didn't want Josh to notice Ayansh and as if on cue, Ayansh turned back to the counter. "Do you need a drink?" Josh asked as he turned back to Inaaya.
Inaaya heaved a breath of relief. "I don't drink, you know that." She chuckled awkwardly, feeling tense because she knew Ayansh was watching her, drilling holes into Josh's hand which covered hers. "Lemonade maybe?" She suggested.
Josh smiled and called for the waiter to place their order. He ordered a bacon and swiss burger with fries and a vodka soda for himself and Inaaya settled for baked macaroni and salad alongwith the lemonade.
"It feels so calm to be here with you." Josh speaks, tilting his head and smiling softly at her.
What she felt was quite the contrast. "Me too." She lies and smiles back, gazing at Ayansh inconspicuously from the corner of her eyes and her fingers curl up into a fist when she watches his taking another glass of drink.
Josh feels her hand going tense under his and he stares at her puzzled. "Are you really okay?" Inaaya looks up at him, a little confounded on how to not rise his suspicion. "I get you might feel tired due to the last few days and if you want to just go back home and rest, it's really okay."
Inaaya shakes her head immediately. "No, it's not that." She grasps Josh's hand as he tries to remove it. She didn't deserve his kindness and a part of her berated her for not giving him what he deserved. He was patient, thoughtful, gentle and stuck to her when he didn't even receive fifty percent of what he gave her. "I'm sorry." She sighs. "I'm— I'm really fine. I think I was just a little distracted but I'm good. I like this place. I like you." She let's out a laugh even though her chest hurt.
Josh grants her with another of his bright smiles and again kisses her knuckles. "I like you too."
She looks at him, trying to remind herself why she said yes to him in the first place when he proposed her three months back. He was funny, flirtatious, always bestowing her with compliments and his generous smiles and at the same time, he was considerate and knew where to draw a line. He had brunette hair with curls falling over his forehead and he was handsome in a conventional way; fair, tall, well-built and yet her eyes drifted off to the man who looked nothing short of an irreparable damage.
She didn't know if anyone else could see what she saw but to her it was everything she never wanted to see. She hated how vulnerable, helpless and pitiful he looked and she hated how much it was affecting her. Why was he even doing that? Wasn't he the one who lied to her and kept lying as she kept falling deeper for him? So what's all this? Why was he messing with her mind? Why was he messing with his own self?
Their orders arrive and Inaaya digs into the food quickly to not allow herself to glance at him. Yet like the absolute foolish, gullible, pathetic person she was, she couldn't help but take a glimpse of him, pretty sure the wine glass in front of him was a new drink.
"Josh?" She stops him midway as he was saying something to which she hardly paid any attention. "I'll just be back from the washroom." She excuses herself, throwing a glare at Ayansh who had the audacity to stare back at her as if he hadn't done anything wrong.
She leans over the wash basin and parts her lips to let the air in the lungs without feeling as if she was being restrained. Oh god, she was probably crazy but she couldn't see him like that, destroying himself, drowning himself. She had to do something. She had to help him somehow. She was probably going to regret it tomorrow but right now, she felt desperate to stop him from acting so self-destructive. She burrowed her hands in her hair and tugged at their roots when she couldn't think of any way to help him.
She had lost connect with all his friends except Neha but she doubted if calling her would be of any help since she wasn't here.
"Think Inaaya, think." She muttered to herself pacing to and fro in the small space. A moment later, she remembered something. Daniel talking to someone, him eyeing her warily right after that when he saw her in the cab, him placing a subtle hand on Ayansh's back when she almost lost her balance yesterday. She didn't know how Daniel knew but she was sure he was aware. She was probably taking a huge risk, a huge wild guess perhaps but at that moment, she thought it was the only way.
Inaaya dialled Daniel's number hastily. After a few rings, he picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Daniel! It's Inaaya." She says quickly. "Are you in the city?"
She hears him laugh. "Well, fortunately yes. I was supposed to leave in the evening but I cancelled my ticket and postponed it to Sunday. I don't when I'll get the chance to be back and spend time with Dad— "
"Daniel, I'm sorry but it's urgent." She cuts him off. "Ayansh is here."
"Sorry?"
She grits her teeth. "Ayansh is here. I know you know about us and I don't care about it right now. He's— he's drunk. He has been drinking a lot and I need you to take him away, stop him, just.....," she pauses and breathes out when she feels her voice wavers. "Just help him." She swallows and adds in a small voice, "please."
"I'll be there." Daniel assures her. "Just send me the location. I'll be there."
"Thanks." She says in relief. "Thank you so much."
After putting the call off, she send him the location and shakes her head and washes her face to get rid of the unwanted emotions and walks out. On her way, she observes him giggling and saying something to the bartender and then taking another sip from his glass, making her blood heat up with rage.
When she gets back to the table, she forces herself to indulge in a normal, friendly conversation with Josh while having her meal. It takes around ten minutes for Daniel to arrive at the place and when he sees Inaaya with Josh, he understands what pushed Ayansh to take the route of alcohol to numb the melancholy.
Inaaya notices him but she doesn't acknowledge him, keeping herself busy with Josh. He deserved her attention and not Ayansh.
From the corner of her eyes, she could see Daniel confronting Ayansh. An irrational fear of that turning into a commotion tugged at her and she stood up abruptly. "Are you done?" She asked Josh. "I would like to leave."
Josh blinks at the sudden change in her behaviour. "Yes." He says uncertainly. "I was done before you. I'll just pay the bill and then we can go."
Inaaya nods and walks out of the restaurant as Josh clears the bill and follows her.
"Are you alright?" He inquires in concern. "You've been very weird tonight."
"I'm fine. I'm just having a headache. Lack of sleep." She shrugs.
"I was thinking we could go for a movie but I guess it will have to wait another time." He chuckles as they start walking.
"Thanks." Inaaya mutters coldly and it just makes Josh more confused.
There was a reckless urge to go inside and unleash her frustrations on Ayansh. She was too distracted, too annoyed, too hurt. The night was probably turning out into a pile of regrets because of the decisions she was taking but she couldn't help herself.
"Josh!" She called out, halting in her steps. "I think I forgot my clutch in the restaurant." She says, even though it lied safely in her pocket.
"You did?" His brows come together. "Wait, I'll just get it."
"No," Inaaya almost yells. "I'll get it." She looks around and her eyes fall on a cafe a few steps ahead of them. "There's a gelato cafe there." She points at it. "We can have something there. I'll go and get my clutch, meanwhile, you can place the order." She starts walking backwards. "The bill is on me though." She adds in a high pitched voice and turns around, pacing back to the restaurant.
When her eyes fall on Ayansh, she doesn't try to hide the disgust and hate she felt for him. Daniel was trying to pull him away but he kept clinging to the stool with one hand and to the counter with another like a petulant child. All eyes in the restaurant were on them. Inaaya strides towards him.
"What's wrong with you?" She fumes in anger.
Ayansh turns his head towards her, looking at her in amusement. "Oh," he smiles, "Inaaya— ," he stops and shakes his head, "Ina is here." He mocks and a twinge of hurt hit her and she gapes at him in disbelief.
"Ayansh!" Daniel calls out in warning. "What are you even doing? Let's go."
"Can't you see I'm sad." He scoffs. "Let me be sad. I've the right to be sad."
Inaaya chuckles bitterly and that makes him look at her. "You're sad?" She feigns surprise. "And what you do about it? Drink truckloads of alcohol because you're so fucking desperate to die? Great way of dealing with it." She humours him.
He frowns in offence. "Why are you even here?" He barks. "Go with your boyfriend."
"Stop acting like a child and go with Daniel." She states calmly and tries to help him stand up but he swats her hand away, taking her aback.
"Don't touch me." He murmurs. "Don't. Don't pretend to care about me when you don't."
Inaaya bites the inside of her cheek. The man's audacity to act as if she had hurt him, wronged him was baffling. "Not everyone is like you Ayansh." She retorts derisively. "You— "
"Ayansh." He whispers softly, his eyes gleaming. "You called me Ayansh. After two years, eight months. I missed it."
She let's out a quiet gasp, gazing into his teary honey brown eyes, her own eyes stinging. He reminded her of the Ayansh she knew, the one who treasured the littlest things about her, the one who made her heart flutter and then, made it ache. This was terrible. Walking back into the restaurant was a terrible decision. "Go with Daniel." She pleaded him in a low voice.
The gleam in his eyes fades away, replaced with something sterner. "You go with your boyfriend."
She clenched her jaw. "You don't get to act as if I betrayed you for choosing myself over you."
"Go away." He says turning away from her.
Embarassment, self-consciousness gnawed at her insides making her feel vulnerable. "Stop making me feel guilty for no reason."
Ayansh ignores her and Daniel feels sorry for Inaaya. He grabs Ayansh's chin and turns his face to him. "Come with me." He commands. "You don't realise what you're doing. Better stop right away and come with me."
Ayansh jerks his hand away and coughs. "I don't want to go anywhere." He whines. "I don't care. Okay, I don't care. I— "
He couldn't complete his sentence because Inaaya splashes a glass of water that she grabbed from the adjacent table and empties the content on his face, eliciting a number of gasps from the people present.
He blinked furiously, seemingly shaken up due to the unexpected action while Inaaya glowers at him, dejected and angered, exhausted and hurt, concerned and helpless.
"Sober up." She says in a clipped tone and slams the glass on the counter.
She turns her neck to address Daniel. "Make sure to get every drop of alcohol out of his system before he passes out." She says without any emotion before making her way out of the place, sniffling and breathing heavily.
***
I didn't expect y'all to complete the target honestly 💀 but thankyou for the generosity 🥀 waiting for your views on the chapter.
By the way, y'all can always message me personally if you've something to say :)
PS - the diary writings which I'll be posting here and there are all mine. And it's going to be pretty random 🤪
Target : 20 votes🚶🏽♀️ I've exams from 10th so I think this target will take good time to get completed till then.
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