Buffy got me tipsy that afternoon.
She tried her damndest to get me fully drunk, but I told her I had to be in the right mind for tonight. I couldn't be drunk when Max showed up, but I could be tipsy. Tipsy was enough for me. It was enough to give me an extra boost of confidence and a warm flush across my cheeks and neck from the tequila. I was feeling good when he showed up.
When I opened my door to find him standing there, I felt like champagne bubbles floating up to the top of a glass and fizzing with happiness. He was still wearing his work clothes, looking devastating in a half done button up with the sleeves rolled to his elbows, exposing his tattooed forearms. He held an overnight bag in one hand and a bottle of very expensive tequila in the other.
"My kind of guy. No flowers, just the good stuff." I grinned, reaching out to take the bottle from his hand.
Max leaned over and kissed the side of my head as he passed me, "I had a feeling you weren't the flower type."
My heart clenched up at that sentence. I was the flower type, but only for one man. Not for this man. The thought made me feel sick, but I shoved it away quickly. I couldn't think about Harry tonight. I had to focus on Max. Harry could never be my future.
Max moved through my apartment with the ease of a lover. He had been here so many times in the last month that he knew exactly where to go. He put his shoes in the right place and deposited his bag onto my couch. He moved to Jagger and scratched him behind his ears, smiling when my cat began to purr in pleasure. Jagger had become quite the little traitor, completely forgetting about Harry more and more each time Max showed him affection. He turned to look at me with a slow grin as he began to unbutton the rest of his shirt.
"I was thinking we could order Chinese tonight and watch a scary movie? If you want to. Is it cool if I take a shower?" My eyes dropped from his lips to his chest slowly.
I nodded slowly in agreement as I took him in. I would have agreed to rob a bank right then if he asked me. I was hypnotized by the way his large fingers took on those delicate little buttons to reveal his gorgeous chest. He was in such good shape that it made me feel a little nauseous. I'd never been with a man who was so muscular before. I could count his abs and I think he had more than six of them.
Max's smile grew at my reaction. He started to walk toward me, peeling his shirt off his body as he did, tossing it onto the couch. I forced my eyes from his body and tilted my head back to bare my mouth and throat to him for the taking, and he took.
His lips found mine, his greedy hands slipping down my back and toward my ass. He squeezed handfuls of flesh and the silky material of my pajama shorts, letting out a soft groan when I swiped my tongue across his bottom lip. He pulled back slightly to look down at me, keeping his mouth close.
"You're killin' me, Bells." He murmured against my lips, nudging his nose into my cheek as he kissed the corner of my mouth, and then down to my jawline and to my bare throat.
I shivered against him at the feeling of his facial hair tickling against my sensitive skin. Everything inside of me went tight with desire as I realized I had to do this now. If I waited until after his shower, I might talk myself out of it and back into my toxic bullshit with Harry. Especially after earlier today and the way he taunted me in that tiny hallway.
My mind was hazy but it went sharp for a moment at the thought of sleeping with someone that wasn't Harry. I had to move on with my life. It was never going to work with him. It couldn't work with him. I was determined to make it work with Max. There was no possible way that my love life could get more fucked up than it had been recently. This one had to be right.
Max was pulling my body against his in a desperate way, his lips sucking at the sensitive skin of my neck, marking me as his. When he pressed into me, I could feel him begin to harden through his pants. My thoughts turned hazy again, turned into a cloud of pure lust as I let my body's reactions run the show.
"Shower later." I whispered to him, slipping my hands down his bare chest and feeling over all of his muscles, "I want you to fuck me."
He lifted his head from where his lips were pressing to my neck, his eyebrows raising as he met my eyes. He moved his hands to cradle my face between his palms, staring at me.
"Are you sure?" He whispered back to me, "You're ready?"
I was nodding before I could stop to think about it, reaching up to grasp onto one of his wrists, guiding his hand down off my face. I pushed it down the front of my body, over every curve, guiding it between my legs. I got onto the tips of my toes, wrapping my free arm around his shoulders to pull him closer.
"Does it feel like I'm ready?" I whispered against his lips, releasing his hand and letting him keep it there, pressed up against the warmth of my cunt.
"Think I have to inspect further." He said, making me laugh against his mouth, only to gasp when he pushed his hand down the front of my tiny shorts, cupping my cunt fully.
I shut my eyes at the immediate pleasure of being touched, feeling his middle finger slide up slowly between the wet folds of my pussy. He swiped my arousal up and brought it to my mouth, smearing it across my lips gently. I let my eyes flutter open to look up at the darkened expression on his face as he lifted his finger back up to his own mouth to lick the excess off.
"Taste yourself." He whispered to me, his voice husky and deep with desire, his free hand moving up to touch the edge of my bottom lip. I licked the arousal off my lips, leaving them shiny and wet, and he shook his head slowly at the sight.
"I think I'm becoming obsessed with you." He said softly, his throat working as he swallowed hard, "You taste so fucking good. I need more..."
I leaned up to kiss him again, moaning as his tongue slid over my mouth to lap up every last drop of my arousal that I may have missed. His tongue massaged against my own as his hands grasped the back of my thighs, lifting me with ease into his arms. I let out a tiny squeal, unable to get used to being with someone who could physically manhandle me in such ways. I was a big girl and he always handled me as if I were as light as a feather. Something in that power made me wetter than I'd ever been before.
With my body pressed against his own, I could really feel how hard he was under his dress pants. His cock was straining against the material to be set free and I couldn't wrap my mind around how large he felt under me. I wiggled my hips down against his own and he gasped into my mouth at the feeling, causing me to giggle with pleasure.
My anxiety spiked as Max carried me into my bedroom, the sudden reminder of Harry hitting me like a wrecking ball. The walls in my room were so paper thin that I knew he'd hear everything on this side and I wasn't good at staying quiet in moments of pleasure. I could feel my heartbeat start to quicken, both from the way Max settled me into his lap and from the knowledge of Harry listening to us.
Max seemed to feel something shift in me and he took a moment to pull his mouth back from mine. He brushed my hair back from my face, tucking strands behind my ears as he kissed me again, this time much softer, much more intimate than before. Like he was trying to calm the wild beating of my heart, like he was trying to soothe all of my nerves away.
"You're so beautiful, Arabella." He whispered as he pulled back to look at me again, gazing up at me as if he couldn't believe I was real.
"Stop that." I shook my head, relaxing against him, squeezing my legs around his hips as I rolled my own into his lap.
"Never. Never, never, never..." He murmured with a soft moan in pleasure as he trailed his fingers down to my throat. He placed a firm hand there, applying only the lightest of pressure as his eyes fluttered shut.
"Harder." He ordered me in a gasp, making me smile as I rolled my hips down more firmly against his hardened cock. He tightened his hold around my neck at the same time.
"Max..." I moaned quietly, my cunt throbbing from how badly I needed him. He grabbed me around the waist and flipped me onto my back, getting onto his knees in between my open legs.
He pressed his large hands against the delicate skin of my inner thighs, pushing them open wider for him, his eyes falling down to my pink silk covered cunt. I was certain I was soaking through the material by now, which he confirmed to me a moment later when he reached between my legs and rubbed his thumb over the wet spot there.
"You're soaking, baby." He breathed out, shaking his head, "I can't wait. Fuck. I have to have you."
"So have me." I replied with a slow smile.
I watched him begin to peel my shorts down off my legs, tossing them over his shoulder carelessly. He looked down at my cotton panties, a groan escaping him as he took the sight of me in. His hand immediately went to my cunt, fingers probing at the wet spot there and prying my panties over to the side.
I gasped and moaned softly as he once again slid his middle finger up along my slit, feeling how wet I was for him. His breathing was erratic, his free hand moving to touch himself through his pants as he touched me. He looked so fucking sexy that it made everything inside of me ache for him.
I was panting for him now, my body on fire as he teased my entrance with his fingers, his thumb brushing over my clit gently. I wiggled my hips and let out a desperate whimper, needing him to give me more.
"What do you want, sweetheart? Tell me." He murmured, still not slipping his fingers inside of me despite the way I was panting and grinding down onto his hand.
"I want you to fuck me... please, please fuck me..." I begged him, reaching down to try and press his hand harder against my cunt. He smirked and leaned down to kiss me, adding another finger to his teasing movements, just gliding them up and down through my wetness.
"Mmm not yet. I need to feel this tight little cunt around my fingers, first. Gotta make sure you're nice and stretched open for me..." We both gasped against each other's mouths as he slid two of his fingers into me, to the knuckle, "Fuck, Arabella, you're so wet, baby."
"Oh my god," I gasped at the feeling, his expert fingers curling inside of me and stroking my g-spot immediately, "Max..."
I moaned at the sensation, throwing my head back and shutting my eyes in pleasure. As soon as I did, all I saw was Harry. My eyes shot back open immediately and I found myself sitting up quickly, pressing a hand to Max to stop him. My throat felt tight, like I couldn't breathe, and I watched concern flash over his features right away. He pulled his hand back from me, readjusting my underwear back into place gently.
"Baby, baby, it's okay... hey." He murmured to me, shaking his head as my eyes filled up with tears of frustration.
I felt so much anger build up in me. Max was fucking perfect for me. He was beautiful, kind and generous. He never left me waiting or wondering. He answered all of my texts within minutes and if he knew he couldn't reply in a timely fashion he would let me know. He adored me, he cherished me, he was patient with me. There was no fucking reason I should be hesitating like this and I felt so much rage toward my own stupid heart for loving another man.
His lips parted to continue soothing me, but before he could get another word out, Celine Dion began to blast from behind the wall. He looked confused, but I knew exactly what it was. Harry used to do this to me when I was sleeping with Finn. I let out a groan of frustration, falling back against my pillows and covering my face with my hands.
"Not again." I whined, listening to Harry start to sing loudly on the other side of the wall.
"That's Harry?" He asked loudly over the music, his eyebrows pulling together in confusion. I nodded silently.
"What do you mean not again? He's done this before?" Max asked, his eyes on me as I pulled myself out of my bed and moved to the wall, banging on it harshly with my fist.
"Shut UP!!" I shouted, only for him to start singing even louder.
I stared at the wall, shaking my head in utter disbelief. I knew he was angry at me for moving on with my life, but it's not as if I had any choice in the matter. He was getting married. My love life was already ruined because of my feelings for him and now he was trying to make it even worse.
More tears welled up in my eyes as I realized that this was just how things were going to be for me now. Harry was never going to let me go and my heart was never going to let him go. I was going to wind up back with him. I was going to be his mistress forever. I loved him so much that it made me sick. It made me want to bash my head against the wall in place of my fists, made me want to push away someone that was actually good for me.
"Arabella, answer me." Max said sternly, "Does he do this often?"
Harry was still shouting the lyrics of the song. And I knew I was fucked because my heart was beating like a hammer inside of my chest, desperate to be released and returned to the man screaming Celine Dion on the other side of my wall.
"Yes." I said softly, resting my forehead against the wall with a loud sigh, "He does it a lot."
Max was getting out of my bed and moving through my bedroom without another word. I turned around to watch him, and saw his back muscles rippling as he moved angrily toward the front door. His fingers flexed at his sides and curled into fists.
"Max, wait, please." I begged him, starting to move after him.
He stopped at the door, taking a second to remove the anger from his expression before he turned around to face me. He touched my chin gently, gave me a small kiss and a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.
"It's okay. I'll be right back, sweetheart. Stay here." He spoke gently to me, he always spoke so gently to me.
I pressed my lips shut and let my shoulders drop, nodding my head to him. Better to let Max deal with Harry than go over there myself because who knew what position I'd find myself in alone with that evil, seductive, insane man?
I could call the cops and make a complaint like his petty fiancée did, but I didn't want to stoop to those levels. Max going to talk to him made me anxious, but more so because I didn't know what Harry was going to say to him. At this point in life, I wouldn't be surprised if he told him about the affair just to get Max away from me.
Max disappeared through the door and down the stairs as I moved back to my bedroom to try and eavesdrop through the wall. The music continued to play even as I heard the muffled sound of Max pounding on Harry's front door. Jagger laced his warm body through my legs and I reached down to pick him up, stroking him gently to try and calm my nerves.
I couldn't hear a damn thing, not even muffled voices. Not even when the song turned off. The front door must be too far from Harry's bedroom. I sat back down on my bed with a long sigh, allowing Jagger to curl up in my lap as we waited for Max to return. I wished I could be a fly on the wall for the conversation between the two men who were fighting for full ownership over my heart.
I almost laughed at the predicament at hand. I went from having my heart torn between Finn and Harry, to having it torn in two by Max and Harry. But always, always Harry. And he continued to hold the largest part of me. He always kept his hand firmly wrapped around my heart and it would have to be pried out of his cold, dead hand. As much as I felt for Max (and god, I did), it couldn't compare to what I felt for Harry.
I wasn't sure anyone ever would compare.
The front door to my apartment opened and closed softly and I let my eyes flutter open to watch Max enter my bedroom again. I wish I could let him get back into my bed, to ravage me once more, but the mood had been horrendously killed by my former lover. Even though the music stopped and I was certain he wouldn't try his tricks again, I couldn't get myself back into the mood.
Max moved toward me and I found myself looking at his hands, examining his knuckles to see if he had punched Harry in the face. They didn't look red or broken open or anything, so I assumed he took care of the problem without a physical fight. That was new. Harry would have punched him if the roles were reversed. The toxic bitch inside of me was a little disappointed, but I shoved her away as fast as I could. I wasn't going to let myself be turned on by violent men. It wasn't fair to the version of me who was once the target of a violent man.
"Is everything okay? What happened?" I asked him, lifting Jagger out of my lap so I could pull my knees up to my chest, hugging them.
"I asked him to turn it down and he was more than happy to oblige. What's wrong, Bells? You're crying." Max's smile fell as he sat across from me, his face full of concern.
I furrowed my brow and initially shook my head in denial, but when I reached up to touch my face, I found that my cheeks were indeed wet with tears. I had zoned out so intensely as I waited for him that I didn't even realize I was crying. I looked down at my fingers and saw the black tear drops that must have been streaking down my face.
"Is this because of Harry? Because I'll go back and kill him for you if it will make you feel better." He said softly, cupping my face in his hands and running his thumbs over my tear-stained cheeks.
I cracked a small smile at his offer but it fell quickly as I shook my head, looking away from his gaze, "He hates me so much."
He loves me more than I've ever been loved. I didn't know where to put it now that I didn't have him anymore. I didn't know what to do with my hands when they weren't holding him. I didn't know how to tell any of this to Max, I didn't know how to make it clear to him that I was half the person he deserved because Harry still had so much of me in his grasp.
"He hates himself." He replied, shaking his head, "Not you. Harry has a lot of issues, things you probably don't know about. Jess has been having problems with him for years. He's just... he's not the best guy."
My heart felt like it was being pummeled. I couldn't stand to listen to this, to listen to Max try and tell me what kind of man Harry was. I knew the real him more than anybody else. I saw him at his most vulnerable. I saw him bruised from his father and crying for his mother and ridden with guilt from the accident. I saw him struggle to accept any type of love. He wasn't a bad guy. He just made a lot of bad choices.
I didn't know how to talk to Max about Harry. I didn't want to talk to Max about Harry. I didn't want the reminder that Max knew him before I did, that he only ever knew him as someone who belongs to Jessie. He could never know him as the man I was struggling to fall out of love with.
I averted my gaze down toward my lap as I reached up to wipe the tears off of my face, "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm crying."
He pressed a finger under my chin gently, forcing my head back up so that I was looking at him again. He stared at me, studying my features, an unexplainable expression on his face. He looked as if he knew exactly why I was crying and that thought made me feel sick to my stomach. He could never know about my situation with Harry. Not when his cousin was going to be marrying him.
"You don't apologize to me." He whispered, raising his eyebrows, "Not when it comes to your feelings."
I frowned at him but nodded in agreement anyways. I knew that I would continue to apologize, that it was just something I'd grown accustomed to. I apologized for taking up space, for being vulnerable, for setting boundaries, for every single feeling I expressed. I also knew that Max would continue to be kind and patient through all of my apologies.
I reached up and held his face in my hands, looking at him for a long moment, "I deserve you. This, right here, with you? I deserve this. You are so fucking gentle and I deserve that."
Max smiled slowly, turning his head to kiss my palm, "You do deserve this. But?"
I sighed, my shoulders dropping, my eyes softening toward him. He knew there was a but. Of course he did.
"But I'm still healing." I whispered, "And I'm scared that you won't be here when I'm on the other side of this heartbreak, so I keep trying to push through it with you instead of without. And I don't think that I'm being fair to you in doing that."
He swallowed hard, his hand still wrapped around my wrist tightly, keeping my hand where it was. I dropped my other hand from his face but he grabbed it before I could pull it back to my own lap. He squeezed tightly.
"I didn't expect this, I didn't expect you. I was just trying to get drunk on a beach and wallow in my own self-pity and... and then you showed up and you never stopped showing up for me. And it feels like you were sent to me for some reason that first night and I... I don't know what to do now because I'm not ready but I really fucking want to be." My voice was trembling as I spoke as quickly as I could, trying to get the words out, even if they didn't make complete sense.
Max seemed to be contemplating this, a faraway look in his eyes. Something in that look made my stomach twist in a bad way, but I didn't know why or what the reasoning was. I had never felt off with him until that moment and it made me want to pull my hands back from him.
"This guy that broke your heart... you're still in love with him?" He asked me, sounding as if he was trying to mask his jealousy and failing miserably.
"Honestly?" I whispered, swallowing hard as he nodded, "Yes. I still love him. It might be one of those loves that never really goes away. I think I might have to carry it with me forever."
He looked away from me and I held my breath, waiting for his response or reaction. His jaw ticked as he clenched it, but he didn't let go of my hands. He breathed out a quiet sigh before he turned to look over at me once more. My body relaxed when I saw the look on his face. I could tell just from the way he stared at me that he wasn't going anywhere.
"I think if I were to walk away from the way I feel about you right now, I might have to carry that with me forever." He finally said, his voice soft, "I didn't expect this either, Arabella. The way I feel about you really surprised me."
"I'm scared that I'm going to hurt you." I whispered to him, only for him to shake his head in denial immediately.
"Don't worry about that. I know what I'm getting into. You've been nothing but honest about the way you're feeling about me and about... him. If you hurt me, it's my own fault for staying when I know I shouldn't." He said and my heart took another nosedive into my stomach.
I sighed in frustration, "Come on, that's a fucking red flag, Max. I'm waving them in your face and you're... you're just..."
"Choosing to be colorblind?" He joked, tilting his head with a small smile. I frowned at him and he released my hands, scooting closer to me on the bed so he could wrap his arms around my body.
"We can stop seeing each other if that's what you really want to do." He whispered to me, "But that's not what I want to do. I want you to stop overthinking this. I want to enjoy you and I hope to god you're enjoying me. Even if this isn't a forever thing, that's okay. A little bit of time with you is better than none."
I knew that was the best answer I could ever hope for, but there was a part of me that couldn't help but think of Harry and the way he was so selfish with me. He wanted it to be a forever thing, he didn't want to just have a little bit of time with me. He cannonballed into this love and was willing to drown for it. He wanted to be pulled into my tidal waves. He wanted to come up for a single gasp of air and then be yanked back down into the depths of me. I knew it wasn't healthy for either of us, but my heart still ached for that kind of love.
I had to try to do better for myself, though. I had to try.
"You're a really great guy, you know that, right?" I asked him softly, leaning against him to cuddle into his large chest. I pressed my ear over his heart, listening to how fast it was beating. His hand smoothed down over the back of my hair, a long sigh releasing from his mouth as he let his cheek rest to the top of my head.
"C'mon. Let's get you cleaned up and then I'm gonna shower. You wanna pick out the movie?" He asked me even though he knew exactly what the answer was going to be. He knew all of my favorites. He retained every piece of information I'd ever given him.
"Scream?" I grinned, pulling back to look up at his face, watching him roll his eyes with his own grin.
"You and that damn movie. I'll have to pick up a Ghostface mask sometime so we can play." He hoisted me off his lap and onto my own feet. I grabbed his arms and smiled brighter.
"Now that's an idea." I leaned up to kiss him, "Do I have mascara all over my face?"
"Yes. You look pathetic. It's adorable." He laughed, slapping one hand against my ass, "Go wash your face. I'll order the Chinese. You want your usual?"
"Yes, please." I smiled happily, moving into the bathroom and shutting the door behind me, muffling the sound of Max calling the local Chinese restaurant for some take out.
I washed my face quickly and as I was patting it dry, I saw my phone on the counter. I had left it charging in the bathroom earlier when I showered. I had four missed calls and two texts from Harry. Butterflies swarmed my stomach and made it flip around at just the sight of his name. I unlocked my phone and looked down at the texts.
Harry: don't trust him
Harry: he isn't who you think he is
The cryptic tone of his texts made me feel like I was in a scene of a horror movie. Like if I stayed in this bathroom too long, my loving boyfriend was going to come in after me. My heart was going crazy with anxiety as I started to text back, wanting to know more. I only managed to get a couple of words out before Max was knocking on the bathroom door.
"Bells? You okay?" He asked lightly.
My heart and my head began to fight.
My head told me: You can't trust Harry. He hurt you so many times. He's just trying to tear you away from someone that is actually good for you! He'll say anything to get you back.
My heart told me: Harry loves you. He wouldn't make things up just to cause you unhappiness, even if he pretended that he would. When it came down to it, he would want you to be happy, even if it wasn't with him.
I deleted the text I had written back to Harry asking him what he was talking about. I had to go with my head. She was always more rational anyways. Whenever I let my heart make the decisions, she fucked everything up.
I forced a smile as I pulled the door open, "Sorry. Bathroom is all yours."
Max's eyes zeroed in on the phone I held in my hand, his gaze flickering back up to meet my own. I felt paranoid suddenly. Like he knew that I was in here getting texts from Harry and he was going to confront me about it. He searched my face for a long moment, not moving out of the doorway, and I began to second guess my choice.
"Did you order the food?" I asked, reaching up to touch his shoulder casually, giving it a comforting rub.
"I did. Is everything okay?" He asked me, tilting his head to the side slightly.
"Of course. Everything is fine." I said, giving him another smile that I was sure felt off to him because it felt off to me.
I got onto the tips of my toes and offered him my lips, waiting for him to close the gap between us and kiss me. He looked down at my mouth and then back up to meet my stare. He kept his eyes locked with mine for a solid few moments before he finally leaned in and pressed his mouth to mine.
Neither of us shut our eyes as we kissed. It felt like we were both waiting for the other to pull out a sword and demand a fight to the death. An eerie chill went down my spine and I tried my hardest to push it away. I wouldn't let my psychotic ex-lover ruin this for me. That's what he was doing, he was trying to ruin this. He didn't want me to be happy without him, he told me that without any hesitation.
I shut my eyes and leaned into the kiss, pushing away all of my doubts and second thoughts. Max followed suit and soon we were kissing easily, laughing against each other's mouths, both of us feeling relieved and silly for having a tense moment over nothing. I pulled back and looked at him, seeing the sparkle in his eyes, and I knew then that I couldn't trust a word Harry said to me in regards to this man.
I wouldn't let him stop me from moving on. No matter how much it broke me to watch him fall apart without me. No matter how often I thought about him. No matter how much I loved him. Following my head was the right choice.
The safe choice.
HI! Hope everyone is having a good sunday!! Happy October aka the best month 👻🎃
My birthday is on Tuesday (31, yikes) and this is my month of seeing Harry! I'll be at three Chicago shows (10/13-10/15) and three LA shows (10/28-/10/29 & 10/31) !! I can't wait to see him again and see all of my friends. Tour is truly my favorite time and I'm so excited to have a break from all of my real life bullshit. Hope to see some of you there!!! 💗
Love you all so much.
Aubs