to the boy I fell in love with,
It was december of our freshman year when I noticed you for the first time. It was the month I saw you in different light.
We're classmates, even seatmates but I never took interest on you, until the day we were grouped to create our own theater play. It was a crappy romance story were you and I became partners.
I was the awkward leading lady and you were my shy leading man.
That group project made us interact with each other. We would screw around while practising. We would talk a lot when it's our break.
Your tongue speaks the sweetest words and that caught me. Those words that made me fall. That made my insides flutter for the first time.
You're not my type. You weren't handsome, you're not that tall. Heck, I was taller than you and I was 2 years freaking older than you. You're not someone I thought I would fall for.
As days and weeks passed by, I got to know more about you. I became interested in you. Then one day I woke up and realized that I was actually infatuated by you.
But for the past few weeks I kept my feelings towards you for myself. My bestest friends started getting suspicious because I talked about you alot and whenever they would ask me if I like you, I would tell them no. But since I'm naive, everything I hide is all transparent.
I was put into the dare of confessing my crush towards you.
And I did the dare. I confessed. You took it as a joke since I did it in a joking way.
Because I did it in funny way, I thought it will be just fine. But then, when you asked if my confession was just a joke, I told you that I was serious about having feelings towards you because somehow I hoped you'd see me in a different light. But you didn't say anything and that broke my heart.
Eversince I confessed, we started drifting apart. We didn't talk at school anymore. We would text sometimes and I know you're getting irritated somehow because I was always persistent in texting you.
But what can I do? I like you. That time I knew you like someone else but it didn't stop me. I tried my best to get closer to you.
Then that chance came. I asked you if it's alright if we become bestfriends. You agreed and I was more than overjoyed. I didn't think of the consequences of having to confessed first then be bestfriends after. I didn't know that it was the worst decision I've ever made.
You don't open up to me at all. I felt like, you're not my best friend at all. Sometimes, I prayed that somehow, you'll open up to me and see me not as a girl who likes you but a girl you could lean on. But how could you do that when you knew I have feelings for you. It was messed up.
During the summer, things got more complicaed. A friend of mine was linked to you and that was the first time I felt jealous and angry. She was my friend and she knew my feelings towards you but how can she just do that kind of thing. It was sick, she knew I liked you.
I was devastated when you told me that you were interested in her as well. I want to cry but tears won't come out. My heart just felt so heavy like, it was breaking bits by bits.
By the time we became sophomores, we remained best friends and I was contented with that. For that time I was happy just being your best friend. But, even though we're still best friends, I could still feel the gap between us.
There are times when I want to reset everything. I regret those unplanned and rushed decisions I made. But what could I do? I've already fallen for you and you kept on breaking my heart.
As time passes by, my feelings towards you grew stronger. But I held it in. I don't want to confess and risk my heart again. I knew it was love. There's no denying it. But this time, I'm more cautious.
You're really kind, smart and sweet. No wonder a lot of girls took interest in you. And I can't handle my feelings towards you.
My friend told me that she doesn't like you anymore and it was just a summer fling but I knew she felt something about you even if it's only a tiny bit. I was okay by that time. We're on good terms and became best friends even and she's in love with another guy that time.
Then she came into the story. The girl you fell in love with. I felt jealous and irritated when you're with her and I realized, I can't be like that because I was your bestfriend. I should support you with the girl you love.
But everytime I did that, my heart kept hurting. It kept on shattering. The day came when I couldn't handle it anymore. I told you that I don't want us to be bestfriends anymore.
You told me you were sad about it but you decided to let go of me as well. You didn't think twice of letting me go.
We stayed friends and do communicate occassionally. Sometimes, I regret my decision but still, I know it's the right thing to do. The sophomore year ended that way.
When we became juniors, my feelings towards you lessened. I didn't think about you that much because I got distracted with Kpop boys.
That time, I became an extreme fangirl. I was thankful because my feeling weren't that strong anymore.
We would text or talk sometimes and honestly I still felt nervous around you. That year, we were always put in the same group whether it is for a play, group report or even in the sportsfest.
And I was like, God, seriously? I wanted to keep my distance but it seemed like fate kept on pushing me close to you. There are times when I would pray that I'll be able to talk to you but I was afraid that my feelings would fired up again so I didn't took the chances. I don't want to push my feelings anymore because I've had enough. I've been hurt enough.
You and the girl you love weren't a couple but you have a mutual understanding so I said to myself, I'll stop. I'll really stop now. I give up. I'm done hurting.
Giving up was the most cowardly decision that I made. Cowardly, but I know it was the right thing to do.
I love you but you don't feel the same. You love someone else. That simple but it was complicated.
The junior year ended just like that.
During the summer, we went for a long month vacation in Italy. Going there helped me a lot. I was distracted and I was focused on writing books.
Writing helped me to ease the pain. Writing helped me express the feelings that I wanted express. Writing slowly saved me from being heartbroken.
Then, it was senior year. Our last year as high school students. That time, the girl you loved, already loved someone else. That time you where in my position before. Our classmates told me that it was finally my chance. It was my last chance but I didn't accepted it. I still have feelings for you but I don't want to abuse the moment. I still have feelings for you but now, I'm only contented of what we are now. Just mere friends and classmates.
We're communicating and talking now, inside or outside the school. I realized, we really are better off as classmates.
During the graduation ceremony, we took a picture together. I was about to leave right after taking a picture with you but you suddenly hugged me. You embraced me in such a moment. I was too shocked to respond but I was at bliss. Happy that you're the one who initiated the hug.
The next day after the graduation. You gave me a letter and told me to not read it until I got home.
When I read your letter, I was overwhelmed. I didn't have any idea of what I should do. I wanted to cry but I held it in. In your letter, you told me that there was once a time that you actually had a crush on me. It maybe an admiration for a short period of time but I was contented. I was happy knowing that you used to like me too.
My first love wasn't successful but I didn't regret falling in love with you. I was rather thankful. I'm thankful for having these feelings. I'm thankful for the memories I'm sure I would never forget. I learned a lot for almost 4 years of loving you secretly.
Because of you, I've grown and I've matured enough. Because of you, I'm a better person now.
You may not be the one for me but I'm glad that I met you.
I'm glad that it's you who I fell in love with.
From the girl who fell in love with you,
Elle