it is september 23rd of 2015. on june 26th this year, gay marriage had become legal. i already had a boyfriend before it was legal, we've been together since only june of 2014 his parents were okay with it, mine not so much, so i stayed at his house the majority of my time.
our relationship started out great. we were already good friends since middle school, he was the only person i ever told about my sexuality in the 8th grade. i thought he wouldn't like me anymore, but he didn't care. that's when i realized he was my best friend, because everyone else did care. freshman year, tank had girlfriends and played football, that didn't stop him from hanging out with me every single day after practice or his games. it started out that he'd show up at my house unexpectedly, until he did it everyday and i always knew he was coming.
september 12th, 2013
a knock at my bedroom window, it was 11pm, a little after tank's game had ended. my face lit up, running to the window to let him inside. he smiled towards me. he was so sweaty that his hair was wet and his face was red. letting him in, an odor of men's locker room and dirty socks hit me. i tried playing it off. "how'd it go?" i asked him.
"we won, close game though, fucking mccarthy tried to fight me on the field." he told me.
"do you want a water or anything?"
"that'd be great thanks." he said.
as always i told him to stay in my room while i went downstairs. if my parents knew he was there they would kill me. while in the kitchen, i grabbed him an icepack along with his water.
"what's the icepack for?" tank asked as i entered back to my room.
"i thought it would come in handy."
he laughed, as i tossed his water and icepack toward him.
he sat on the edge of my bed, looking down trying to breathe. i sat with him.
"are you okay?" i asked.
"yeah why?" he said looking up.
"well i know you're tired from the game and stuff, i just feel like something else is on your mind?"
he nodded, looking down again.
"what is it?" i asked again.
"kate, she broke up with me right after the game tonight."
i sat quiet trying to think.
"what for?" i finally said.
"she said i was too talkative with other girls at school. i cant have friends now? i don't get it." he said, "she says i dont hang out with her enough."
i sat listening.
"she told me that you and i hang out too much. that i never have time for her." he continued.
"sorry." i spoke, "do you not like that?"
he took a while to respond, "i don't care."
"what do you mean?"
"i mean, yeah me and you hang out. i don't see a big deal out of it. it's not like i'm hanging out with girls, i'm not cheating on her, so what's her deal?" he gestured his hands as he spoke.
i crossed my feet, looking down, not knowing how to feel about any of it.
"do you think we hang out too much?" he asked me, looking at me again.
i looked too, shocked at the question that i had no idea how to answer. i looked so stupid trying to come up with words, my mouth moving as if i lost my voice. "i don't know? do you?"
he sighed, "no tak, i just said that."
right, he did.
"if it were me, i'd feel a little disconnected from you if you were with someone else all the time. especially it were.. well me."
"because you're gay?"
"yeah." i said.
"i don't get it. why would she be upset because i'm hanging out with a gay dude?" watching how clueless he was, it was hard to watch from my point of view. how could he not understand it? "if she has a problem with you simply because you're gay that's more of a reason to think she's not worth it."
"tank i don't think it's completely that."
he waited for me to tell him. i was so embarrassed that i had to even tell him.
"she probably thinks that i like you." i finally told him.
he looked around stupidly after i said that, laughing. he mocked her too. saying that she shouldn't assume that i liked him just because i was gay. i wasn't upset that she thought that i liked him. i was upset that he had no idea that it was true. i didn't like him, i was in love with him.
may 19th, 2014
freshman year was coming to an end. i was also in the spring musical that year. i wanted tank to be there for it so he could see me perform since i got one of the lead roles. i was walking to his locker after the last bell rang. but then i realized his locker was surrounded by jocks that tank was friendly with. my chest was heavy, and i knew it was a bad idea to even try to approach him. but i did. "get lost." they told me as i were 7 feet away from them. "i need to talk to him." i said, pointing at tank. the expression printed across tanks face told me that he had to be embarrassed of me entirely. they laughed at me, tank just stared not saying anything. "about what? a school project? get lost fairy." the entire time i stared at how tank did nothing to help me. his carelessness hurt me more than these idiots words.
"it's important to me." i said looking at him only.
one of the jocks pushed me against the locker. there was nothing i could do because he was tall and had to be a junior or senior. i wanted to cry, but i didn't want to come off as vulnerable to these jerks. "i told you to piss off twice moron. don't you have homework to study? or is your mom too busy getting your hormone pills instead of picking you up?" i spit into the guys face, saying "fuck you," which just caused him to hit me against the locker harder that time. he yelled at me still. i couldn't be bothered with the situation anymore, i kneed him in the crotch and made my escape out the front doors of the school.
i knew they were after me, but i didn't look back.
i ran home as fast as i could, barely able to see from the tears pouring out of my eyes.
when i got home, i continued crying in my room with the doors locked because my mom wouldn't like to know why i was crying so much. i thought that tank would have my back no matter what. i guess his reputation meant a lot more to him at that time.
that night, tank did knock at my window. i didn't wanna let him in because i was still hurt about what he did.
i could hear him sobbing outside the window, calling my name. he sounded like he was choking on his own tears. as much as i wanted to feel bad for him and open the window, i still felt like what he did to me was worse. but he continued.
"i'm so sorry please understand i didn't know what to do." he'd say, or "it was a mistake," or, "you're my best friend takeo please open the window."
i never opened the window. i fell asleep while he was outside.
until 4 am when my mom woke me up, clearly angry at me.
"i wanna know why i just saw that boy tank running across our yard down the street." she said. i could barely make out what she was saying since i was so tired.
"i don't know mom." i tried my best to act confused because being caught would be embarrassing.
"you're not as good as an actor as you think you are takeo." she told me, "it's funny because i could've sworn i heard him outside crying, banging on your window."
i knew there was nothing i could say to convince her.
she made me get up and explain everything to her. i told her that tank's friends had picked on me and he did nothing to stop it. she asked what they were saying about me. at this time, my mom didn't know that i was gay. so i just told her that they called me a nerd and words related. i then told her tank came crying at my window telling me he was sorry and that i didn't let him in or tell him to leave. she was mad that i didn't tell him to get off our property, but wasn't mad about anything else. i was glad i got away with that.
may 21st, 2014
today was the first day of the play. i was so drained i was barely ready to even participate. i cried several minutes before i was even on stage, which kind of ruined my makeup. everyone on set was mad at me for that too. the lights were so bright and i thought i was going to pass out but i managed thankfully because i drank a lot of water before. while saying my lines, i noticed tank in the audience, front row actually. he looked so proud of me. when the play was over, i think he tried to come up to praise me, but i didn't bother.
may 30th, 2014
it was the last day of freshman year. it was also my 16th birthday. since school usually always ended on my birthday, i would "celebrate" on the 31st. today was horrible though because i still wasn't talking to tank. i would pass by him in the halls everyday, trying my absolute hardest not to look at him. i would often catch a glance on accident though, and he would have a sad expression on his face. today, after 3rd, the same thing happened, but he came up next to me, with a present in hand. he spoke, "i know you don't wanna talk to me. or look at me clearly. but it's your birthday and i had to give you this. i'm really sorry." he gave me a box, walking away finally. i kept the box with me all day, not even bothering to open it until i was home. some kids tried stealing it from me, so i had to make a way to fit it in my bag.
after school, i got home, placing the gift box on my desk next to all my clutter. i wanted to stay mad at him so bad, but the fact he still thought to get me a gift meant a lot. it was tied in a green and blue ribbon, and he put a few stickers on the box itself. i had to open it.
inside of the box, there were photos of us, and more cool stickers. there were hair clips; which id never put in my hair, but they were butterfly clips and i thought they would look nice. i clipped two of them on the right side of hair, two pink butterfly clips. he also put cool pens in the box, along with a journal with a sticky note saying, "this might come to use." i smiled. last thing was a letter, which i dread reading but i had to. the letter wrote,
dear tak,
i know what i did the other day was really stupid of me and i should've came to you and apologized in a better, more mature way. i don't know why i stood there like an idiot when i should've helped you. i don't care about them like i care for you. i really don't care for them at all, i guess i just wanted them to think i was cool. but i don't care anymore. i miss you. i want to be best friends still and i don't know what i'd do without you. i'm sorry tak. i hope you can forgive me. you were great in the play as well. you're talented and i want to be like you one day. happy birthday tak.
tank
one of my tears hit the paper, and i got frustrated and folded the paper back up, forcefully putting it back in the box.
i sobbed for hours, i didn't know completely how to react to it. i wanted to forgive him because i knew he cared about me but i still didn't like his excuse that he "wanted to look cool".
i had to see him.
i biked to his house that night at 12am, still sobbing. it was pouring down rain, the sky was black, the roads were empty. i was the only movement that night it felt.
i arrived at his house, pounding on the door. i tried to wipe my tears away but they kept coming.
the door finally opened, seeing tanks face made my heart light up more than it should've.
i fell into tanks arms, continuing to cry. his hands were petting the back of my head gently. and i then felt okay. he told me to come inside, and we went to his living room.
he said, "those clips look really nice on you," and that he was glad that i was there and that he missed me again. i told him i did too. he let me lay my head down on his shoulder as i curled up next to him on the couch. i was almost asleep until i felt him kiss the top of my head tenderly.
i raised my head to look at him, thinking it wasn't normal of him to do that. he looked nervous.
"do you like me?" tank suddenly asked.
i stared, my heart raced while my mouth was open.
tank stared deeply into my eyes and he was never that good at eye contact with me, or anyone.
i reached in closely, kissing him softly on his lips, i could feel his heart racing as our chests touched.
he grabbed my shoulder, pulling me closer to his body. i was practically attached. my fingers traced across his face. his tender skin touched mine.
july 2nd, 2014
tank and i got together in june. he wanted to keep it private for a while and i understood him. he did tell his parents on this day. they didn't mind, they were just surprised. his mom was very supportive, his dad was just like, "i'll love you no matter what you like." which was sweet. my mom eventually found out and was angry with me and said if my dad was still around he would hate me. this was around the time i stopped coming home. today was also our first date. we went to an icecream shop and to laser tag. pretty fun for my first date ever.
december 25th, 2014
it was christmas day. i had been staying at tanks house all week prior to today. if you're wondering what happened whenever tank and i went back to school for sophomore year, he still played football, nobody had found out about us, or that i know of. more of his family knows now, not a lot of them care, he was really happy that he had a lot of people to support him. that morning, we opened gifts, his mom even got me way more gifts than tank got. i was happy to have her in my life. we both mostly got socks, a pair of shoes, and games. tank got me a watch, that i never used, a cool bucket hat, and more stickers. i got tank a guitar and a necklace. he was really happy about the guitar that he almost cried. tank's dad even got him a car. which he was very excited about. this was one of my best days with tank since we rode around the block for almost 5 hours listening to music together. pulling into tanks driveway, he told me he loved me.
may 10th, 2015
tank and i's sophomore year was almost over. we were so impatient for summer to start. we had a lot of plans about what we were gonna do and where we would go. on this day, someone walked up to tank and i in the halls after school ended,
"i know what you guys are." he said creepily, wearing a hood.
"what are you talking about?" tank asked.
"i know you guys are more than friends, i knew it was coming since you've been hanging out with this fairy. i'm gonna tell everyone."
"i don't know what you're implying, but you need to knock it off." tank grew furious with the guy.
i stood back not knowing what to say.
"everyone's gonna laugh at you." the guy said, stepping closer to him.
tank shoved the guy off of him, and i stepped in telling him to go on somewhere.
he finally left us alone but tank wasn't the same after that.
june 17th, 2015
today was mine and tanks one year together. we hung out at his place as always. we played board games like clue and life. we also listened to music in his room and watched a few movies. he was really happy that day and so was i.
until that night when an anonymous instagram rumor account had posted that tank was gay and in a relationship with me. i was the first one to see it. when i saw it, i knew that we wouldn't be the same after. i finally showed him and he stood up, pacing around his bedroom, crying too. he would say that his life was over and that he hated himself. i felt bad because i was also gay so what did that mean about me? he told me he wanted some time by himself. i left him alone at his house and i went home, i was so upset because i knew i would lose not only my boyfriend but a great friendship.
august 15th, 2015
tank and i barely hung out that summer due to the post that was made about us. he didn't show up to the first week of school. i was almost glad he didn't because everyone was talking about him. people would ask me where he was and i never answered them because they were annoying and unnecessary. i missed him. and i would still try to see him after school but his mom told me he wasn't feeling well and to come back later.
september 7th-11th, 2015
the 7th was the first day tank came to school. he had horrible eye bags, his hair was bad, and he looked like he hadn't showered. i knew he wasn't doing well but i didn't know what i could do about it. i didn't try to talk to him because i didn't wanna make the rumor seem true. people picked on tank, not really to his face, just talked about him in class. he kept his head down during lessons, that whole week he mostly had detention for talking back and not participating. i rarely saw him anymore.
september 20th, 2015
it was sunday, and i decided to see tank that afternoon because i couldn't stand not seeing him anymore. his mom finally let me in when i told her i couldn't live with myself knowing he wasn't okay. i walked up to his room when i found him laying in his bed. i sat down where his feet was.
"i've missed you." i said.
he said nothing.
"i know school's been hard for you. i didn't know this would happen."
"yes you did, it was gonna happen eventually." he said, muffled under the covers.
"yeah." i agreed, "i'm so sorry tank. i wish there was something i could do. i just want you to be okay."
"i have no friends anymore." he said, "everyone laughs."
i stayed quiet because he was right.
"i'm sorry." i finally said again, "i have to deal with it everyday, tank. i understand what you're going through."
"i didn't think it would be this bad."
"i know." i said.
"i just want to be alone right now." he told me like he always does.
"okay," i said, getting up to leave, "i love you."
he didn't say it back. i was sad about it but i knew he was going through a lot so i left his house.
september 23rd, 2015
on september 23rd, my boyfriend tank ended his life due to depression and issues with school. i wish i could've told him more. his mom gave me a note from him, saying "i'm sorry, i love you." i was devastated by this experience and i miss him more and more everyday. he didn't deserve what happened to him because he had a great heart and i wish i could have my best friend back.