~Cher
My heart is beating so strong against my chest I think it will burst. I have been pacing around the basement for over fifteen minutes with Natalie drifting away into nothingness while waiting for me to speak up. I've sent her an SOS text early in the morning and demanded that she comes here as soon as she wakes up. She is definitely not viewing this as an emergency now.
I don't know how to tell her, but I really want to let it out of my system. I believe that it will all fade away the moment I confess everything. I will hear how stupid it sounds that I will back out on my own.
I stand still for a second and rush the words out of my mouth.
"I think I'm falling for Ace."
This sounds all the bit much stupid, but not the tiniest bit of my feelings have changed.
She leans back further into the couch, crossing her arms over her chest, and right there, at the corner of her lips is a crease of amusement. Triumph. The all famous triumphant smirk.
"Don't even start." I warn her and continue pacing around the room while rolling my thumbs, trying to think.
"I need to get rid of all these feelings, now. Just tell me how."
She huffs, "You think I'll help you get rid of the feelings I was dying for you to admit? I don't think so."
I inhale deeply, "You know that we'll never be together. And I was fine till today morning."
"Why? What happened today morning?" She rests her elbows on her knees and leans forward.
"I remembered that I was going on a date today, and it's not Ace who I'm going out with. And it annoyed me so much that I wanted him to be the one who asked me out not your brother."
I have been putting off Gabriel for over a week now, coming up with meaningless excuses just so that I can spend my days with Ace. Realizing that I can't keep avoiding him till Ace leaves, I've agreed to go out with him tonight.
"You're going out with Gabriel?" She's clearly confused, "Why would you do that?"
"Because I promised him that I'll do it sometime."
"He will think it's a date." She points out.
"I know. I'll explain it to him later. But now, help me not feel things." I beg her.
I don't know what happened today. I don't know why my heart chose today, a couple of months before his leave. Oh yeah, Paulina extended their stay when she saw the great progress Ace is achieving and how happy he is. I don't understand why my heart had to press this button and let me feel everything at once. Couldn't it wait?
"What is it about him that attracts you the most to him?" She's grinning.
At least my torment amuses one of us.
But what is it about him that attracts me the most to him? That's a hard question because I have to choose. So I stop for a minute and think about it.
I love how he remembers all the tiny details. Like the other day when I took him to the Castle of Rochefort-en-Terre, he has startled me by remembering all the details I have rambled on about when we first hung out together. All that time, I have believed that he was bored out of his mind and wasn't listening to a single word. Boy, I was wrong.
I love how he would compliment me, even when I am not all dolled up. His compliment would warm my heart because when I look into his eyes, I can see that he genuinely means it.
I love how we annoy each other. We would say all those mean comments that we don't mean all for the sake of annoying each other. It wouldn't make our time together any less special to me.
I love how he would be with me all the time. The first thing he does after he returns from his jog is to pass by my room to say good morning.
I love how he would leave me every night speechless with my breath caught in my throat.
There is something about him. When I see him, my heart explodes.
"I don't know.." I sigh, "It's everything about him."
"Oh, my baby." She is in front of me in a second, her arms flying around my figure pulling me in for a hug.
I could really use this hug, so I wrap my arms around her torso.
"You have to tell him that you like him." She whispers.
My eyes widen and I push her away just as quickly as she's hugged me.
"Are you out of your mind?" My voice reaches new heights and I instantly pray that no one comes down here.
"I can't tell him. He will hate me."
"He likes you too, but he just doesn't want to admit it, just like you."
No. Ace hides away, like a ghost, in the shadows of his past. He has given up on relationships, on love. He's the type of person that doesn't talk too much. He has given up. I believe that he has had enough because he ran out of love. Whatever he went through has drained him of all hope. He will never think of anyone this way, and I'm afraid he will never feel anything towards me.
"Stop. Stop." I shake my head, "Don't fill my head with impossibilities. I'm already dreading this. Like out of all people in this world, I fall for him? Why? Why him?" I tug at the roots of my hair out of frustration.
"Listen to me." She holds both my hands in hers, "Just tell him and he will admit it you to too."
I don't even consider that option.
I squeeze her hands, "Never. You know what I might need?"
She waits for me.
"Maybe this date is what I need. Maybe I will like Gabriel and I will forget all about Ace. Maybe I should even kiss—" she covers my mouth with her hand and she clamps her eyes shut.
"God, no. You don't need to kiss him. You need to tell Ace the truth. Even if he turns you down, you will have a motive to stop having feelings for him."
I push her hand down.
"I already have the motivation. All I need is a distraction and this is it."
Maybe going out with Gabriel won't be so bad after all.
The door barges open and my heart sinks at the possibility of whoever it is heard what we've been talking about.
"Bonjour."
I release a breath and smile at Jolie. She doesn't seem like she's heard a thing, even if she did, it wouldn't have made a difference.
"Bonjour." Natalie and I say in unison.
"Je suis venu ici pour t'appeler. I came down here to call you."
Something isn't right. She is not her usual giddy self. She seems more excited today than any other day. She doesn't quit smiling, and she flips her hair and leaves.
"Is she okay?" Natalie asks me.
"I don't know. Let's go."
I keep my fears at bay and hope that it isn't what I think it is.
_________
"Good morning, Natalie." Paulina greets Natalie and takes a seat on the table.
Everyone is seated on the table except for Ace and Jolie. Because I have been taking Ace out most of the days, I am able to manage between the bakery and our hangouts. So she's been coming around to help us around the house. I believe that she's brave for coming back and looking Ace in the eyes without wavering for one moment. She's been herself lately without any complaints and she completely ignores Ace, which is a relief for me. She stays with us till breakfast, then she's on her way. I tip my hat down for her.
"I'll go see if Jolie needs anything in the kitchen," I say.
"Wait!" My mother shouts, but she quickly recovers. "She will manage, darling. Just sit down and she'll be here in a second."
She's never told me not to help. I frown.
"I don't mind, mom. Plus, we shouldn't start without her." I turn to walk back to the kitchen.
I smooth my dress down while deciding whether if I should see why Ace hasn't come down yet or no. I slide the glass door, and as my eyes lift from the ground, something in me drops. I feel this gnawing burning in my stomach like I'm about to get sick. I hate this feeling already. My fears aren't fears anymore. They're reality.
I can see Jolie's obvious flirting with Ace. Smiles are on both of their faces. She playfully shoves his shoulder and he lets out a chuckle.
"Jolie?" He chuckles, "You think I like Jolie? Jolie means nothing to me. She is not even my friend. I don't enjoy her company, at all."
Yeah, he definitely doesn't like Jolie and he definitely didn't give up on relationships as I've thought. I'm an idiot.
They both notice my presence at the same time, and when our eyes meet, my mind fails to think of anything but to move her away from him.
Why did I have to like him? I ask myself.
"I just came to see if you needed some help." I'm surprised that the words even got through and didn't just roam in my mind.
She intertwines her fingers with his and sighs out of relief, "Ace is taking me out tonight."
My breath is ripped out of my lungs, but I force a smile onto my lips. I have to. I am not even supposed to be feeling this. I shouldn't be liking him in the first place.
"That's..." I look at Ace but I can't continue, so I avert my gaze back to Jolie, "That's amazing." I let out a slow and controlled breath.
He lets go of her hand, "We should take these outside." He lifts one tray off the counter.
"Oui. Yes." Jolie picks up the other tray and walks out with all her giddy vibes, leaving only tension in the kitchen.
"Cher, I can explain." He begins and takes a cautious step towards me.
"It's okay. I'm glad you decided to ask her out rather than to shy away. You've wasted enough time already."
I don't mean one word, but I guess he is feeling embarrassed now because what he is doing is the opposite of what he said he wouldn't do.
"Let's go eat." I move my feet quickly before he can say a word.
I can't get rid of this stupid useless pain I'm feeling. I shouldn't even be upset. This is crazy. I'm delusional. I like someone who will never even look at me that way.
I take a seat beside Natalie, but she stands up.
"Cher and I have to be somewhere. I completely forgot." She takes a cinnamon bun off the plate, "But don't mind if I take this."
My mom looks at me expecting an explanation.
"Umm...we are supposed to pass by my house first to pick up the dresses, and then we'll go to the beauty salon to do our hair. As you know, she has a date with Gabriel." Natalie lies, and I look up at her and I hope my smile conveys my gratitude towards her.
Someone lets out a throaty growl. Our eyes follow the sound, and it's Ace.
"Is something wrong?" Jolie offers him a glass of water and if I stay, even if it's for a second, I fear that everyone might notice that I am tearing her away from him.
When he doesn't answer, Natalie speaks up, though I wish if she wouldn't have said anything.
"Ace, was there anything in what I said that might've bothered you?" She is expecting a reaction that she will not get in a million years, not even in a different universe.
"No, I just didn't know you were this excited about your date." He isn't talking to Natalie. He's talking to me.
Why does he care if I am excited or not? I'm more excited now for it because it might change my feelings. I will force my feelings to change.
"Well, now you know." I say, and follow Natalie's lead. "I'll see you tonight." I tell my mom.
I kiss the top of my mom's head when I reach her. She stops me and stares right into my soul.
"Don't be late, okay?" She wants me home early to talk about Ace.
"I'll make sure Gabriel brings her home by nine," Natalie assures my mother.
"That'll be great." Mom thanks her and then we're off.
Natalie and I walk into the house and she pulls me to the side.
"Did you see that?" Her eyes are sparkling with excitement.
"What?"
"What Ace did! He is totally into you, but he's too much of a coward to admit it."
All she gets from me is a scoff and an eye roll. That is not what that was. He probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, and who to better annoy than his only friend.
"Okay, I'll go get my phone and purse while you start up the car." I ignore her words because I am not ready to argue with her on this one.
The pain in my chest is still there, and it doesn't feel good.
"Fine. We'll have all the time in the world to speak." She wiggles her eyebrows from excitement.
What is she even excited about? There's nothing to be excited about. I'm not excited about the fact that Ace asked Jolie out, or that she is the one he asked, or that they might be dating by the end of the day, or that he might kiss her, or that he might actually be into her.
I tap my head twice, hard. I need to get this out of my mind.
I. Should. Not. Be. Feeling. This. Way.
I grumble as I walk into my room in search of my bag and the phone. One glance at the closet, and I remember that I never chose what I will wear tonight. Natalie has lied earlier and there are no dresses or shit.
I sigh and decide to just pack some of my makeup in my bag, and as for the outfit, I could borrow one of her outfits for tonight, one that Gabriel hasn't seen hopefully.
There's a knock on my door, directly followed by the door opening, not giving me a chance to even answer it. Who is the only indecent person in this house other than my dear friend Ace?
I wish if I had never asked to be my friend. I wouldn't have guessed that I would fall for someone like him, someone who is leaving, someone who is scared.
"You know it's still ten, right?" He strides his way into my room, "You don't have to leave now."
I don't pay him any mind and finish packing my makeup. But I do answer him though.
"I have a lot to do, Ace."
His long fingers wrap tightly around my arm and spin me around to face him.
"Say that while you're looking into my eyes." He's breathing heavily.
I try to free my arm but he keeps a firm grip around it.
"Let go of my arm, Ace."
"Tell me what shit you need to do and I'll let you go." His eyes are piercing into me, and I don't think I can lie to him right now.
"Ace, I will not say it again. Let go of my arm." I enunciate every word with a heavy breath.
"Why are you lying to me? Why are you even going on this date?" He does what I say and scratches the back of his neck.
"Why are you so sure that I'm lying to you? Why do you even care if I go or not?"
"Because..." He yells the word and I know what he's doing. I don't like it when he does that. When he thinks, thoroughly thinks of what he was originally about to say and just changes it. He comes up with some other untrue sentence.
"Because you don't even like that piece of shit."
"How do you know?" I stab his chest with my finger, "You can't possibly know if I like him or not. Just like I knew that you didn't like Jolie, but look at the two of you right now."
His nose flares, "This is not the same. I know that you don't like him."
My heart breaks a little because I am now sure that he likes her. He didn't deny it. True, he didn't admit it, but he doesn't need to. I got my answer.
"People's feelings change, Ace. You are the one to know." I grab my makeup bag and shove it into my purse.
I take my phone off the nightstand. And he stops me once again by pulling my arm towards him.
"What's that supposed to mean? Huh?"
"What is up with you today? Why are you yelling for no reason again? I thought we were past that?" I struggle to release my arm.
"I thought that we were past you being so difficult. But I guess I was wrong."
"Ugh." I grunt as I pull my arm away, "Guess we were both wrong."
We are both standing holding each other's gaze. Words are left unsaid. The reasons behind our fight clear as day, but none of us says a word. I want to tell him that I don't want to go out. That I'd rather stay at home with him. That I like him. I want him to tell me that he doesn't want me to go. I want him to tell me why. But he won't. He never will. And maybe that's for the better.
The more I'll stay here just staring at his beautiful eyes, my heart will ache more. I don't want it to ache. This is the worst thing I have ever felt. All of this is new to me. The jealousy, actually feeling something for someone, this stupid ass pain.
"I'll be going then." I tell him and begin to walk away.
"Cher." My name falls off his tongue in a way that causes my stomach to shift uneasily.
"What?" I swallow as I turn around.
I see it for the second time in the past few minutes. The reluctance in his eyes. The words he's trying to say but doesn't. Not because he fails to convey what he means, but because he's afraid of what might happen.
What I might say. How I might feel after he would say them.
Not that he would know of but because of the too much hesitance that he decides to make me feel worse.
"Enjoy your night." He avoids my eyes and for some unknown reason, he takes a step back.
"Enjoy yours too, Ace." I technically bolt out of my own room because I can't stand it anymore.
Thinking about it now, I am so unsure how will I be spending a whole day alone with him when we go to Le Moulin Neuf. I will have to back out if I will still feel the same way about him after my dinner with Gabriel, which will probably be the case.
"What took you so long, Cher?" Natalie huffs as she pulls us out of the driveway.
One word.
"Ace."
I slump backwards against the seat and close my eyes, hoping I could find a way to save myself before I fall deeper.
________
"So is this good?" I tilt my head sideways and take a look at myself in the mirror.
"I mean he might even be in love with you, you know. He didn't want you to go obviously. He wanted you to stay." Natalie is still blabbering about Ace.
Honestly, it is my fault that I decided to tell her in the first place. She is trying to turn this into a happy-ending movie.
"Do you think the skirt says 'I'm too excited for the date'?"
I'm wearing a black portrait neck top with a red Chanel skirt, along with a pair of black boots. I'll top this with a simple heart silver necklace that I've been wearing ever since I turned fifteen.
"How can you not see it?" She groans, "Have you never watched movies?"
"That's it." I say, "They are movies, Natalie. They don't happen in real life. They will never happen, especially with a person like Ace. I have accepted that. You should too."
Of course, I lied. I haven't accepted it. But I will. I know I will.
They're just feelings. I remind myself. They will fade away.
"Nu-uh, they do." She retorts, "And it will happen. If you tell him, he will tell you too. This would be the perfect movie, I swear."
I am done.
"Okay, chérie." I pat her on the shoulder and grab my phone off her nightstand.
"Why don't you believe me? Didn't you see how jealous he was?"
I laugh. I laugh because this is funny. It is ridiculous. Beyond all reason.
"I hate—" she is interrupted by a pounding on the door.
"That's Victor." She rolls her eyes and gets up to answer the door. "He will pester you with compliments hoping you would..." She shudders at the thought.
I find it adorable that her younger brother finds me beautiful. But it creeps me out sometimes when he stares more than he should.
The moment she opens the door, he pushes her aside and walks to me.
"Cher!" Victor beams at me, "You look lovely tonight."
"Thank you, Victor." I say and smile in return.
"I learned English just for you." He lies, and I know that because he is obligated to learn English to pass his classes in school.
"Really?" I bend my knees so that I am his height.
"Yes." He shifts his weight back and forth on his heels and toes. His keeps his shoulders wide and proud.
"Stop it, you dipshit." Natalie smacks the back of his head before propelling herself backward on the bed. "You need it for school."
"No." He snaps at her, "I learned it because it's Cher's native language."
"Well aren't you quite a charming young man?" I ruffle his hair and he smiles at me.
"So, will you go out with me?" He asks me hopefully.
"Victor, are you trying to steal my date?"
I look up to find Gabriel all suited up. He looks great, but now when I look at myself, I feel like I'm underdressed. I found the answer to my question earlier. This outfit doesn't say 'I'm too excited for the date'.
The word date sends shivers down my spine.
"Yes." Victor says with no shame making me chuckle.
"God have mercy on me." Natalie whines and throws an arm over her eyes.
"Maybe next time. Okay?" I lean down and peck his cheek.
His cheeks immediately turn crimson.
"Okay." He whispers shyly.
"Are you ready?" Gabriel asks me and I nod.
"Thank you, Natalie. I'll text you later." I tell her and she looks at me and I can read it all from her eyes.
She shakes her head at me then hands me my coat. She pulls my hand down and whispers in my ear.
"You'll say, that I told you so at the end of the night."
"Trust me. By the end of the night, Ace will be with Jolie and then you can finally let go of all your fantasies of turning my life into a romantic movie." I whisper back then retreat and walk towards Gabriel.
When I'm close enough to him, he places his hand on the small of my lower back pulling me to him so that he could plant a kiss on my forehead.
"You look beautiful, Cher."
I smile at his compliment, "You clean up nicely, Gabriel."
"Let this stay between us, but if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have been in a suit right now." He chuckles as we make our way out of the house. "You know how much I value baggy clothes over these fancy attire."
"I know. I appreciate it." I laugh.
He opens the passenger's door for me to get in. This might not be as bad as I thought. I might actually have fun tonight. I will not allow my feelings for Ace to meddle into this. This is what will help me. And it will work.
You wish, my subconscious adds but I ignore her.
________
Gabriel had this reservation for us at some restaurant in the very far corner of town. However, there is no reservation by his name or his family's name. So we haven't been able to sit down and eat at the fancy restaurant as he has planned. He has been upset for a second, but then we have managed to come up with another plan. We have settled for a simple dinner at one of the other restaurants in town.
We have made small talk that hasn't awkward at all. It was actually nice to sit down and talk to someone else. Someone who actually speaks about himself. He's told me about his break up with his ex-girlfriend, not really what you do on your first date, but well...
He's also told me about his job, what he likes about it the most, what he does in his free time, and excrétera...and I reciprocated. I have told him about what happened with Adrian, and what I want to do during and after college. He has listened to me and commented every now and then.
He's nice. He's sweet. He's polite. He likes me. He's everything. Except that he's not Ace. It bothers me. But I'm trying to accept it. And I know I will.
While we're walking, I look at him and wonder, will I end up with a guy like Gabriel? Is this how all relationships start for me? So normal? Or will I always end up liking someone who doesn't even want me?
He's holding my hand now as we walk, but I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling the electricity that I feel with Ace. The shivers that run through me with just one touch of his.
Dammit, Cher. Focus.
"Look at that." He grabs my attention.
I look at the direction he's pointing at, and it's beautiful. It's an antique store. Anything old is what I live for. Old books, antiques, vintage clothes, cars, anything really. I have never actually seen this store before. I wonder if it has opened recently.
"Can we go in?" I ask him hopefully.
"Of course. Come on."
The bells chime when we open the door, and it's a beautiful harmonic sound. The lady at the front desk greets us with a smile.
"Bonsoir. Good evening."
"Bonsoir." We both reply with a smile.
I let go of Gabriel's hand and take a look at the small shop. Antiques fill the stuffy shop. It has glorious collections of objects from all the cultures through the ages. There are English teapots, Russian dolls, and old typewriters with clunky keys. Silver and golden sculptures are at every corner, each holds a story about its history. Everything has lost its luster, still, they are all intact in all pride and glory. Everything is captivating.
Then I spot it and it almost calls out Ace's name. It is all alone on a table, nothing surrounding it. An amber wooden box. Light is reflected brightly off its sparkling surface. Its lid is opened and inside is a brown leather journal. I take out the journal cautiously, afraid that I might ruin it. It's imperfect in the most perfect way.
Just like Ace.
Its cover is the total of crisp and clean. It looks like this journal has been passed down from generation to another, living through different circumstances with every culture. The cover has softened, but that just adds to its value. I turn it over to take a look at what it holds inside of it. It contains empty, off-white, wrinkled, papers. The pages seem as though they are worn out, yet they are all untouched. Not a single word is written inside on any of the papers, not even a dash or a period.
"You like it?" Gabriel's hand is on my lower back again, but I don't pay much mind to it.
My mind is torn, wanting to make a decision.
"I love it." I tell him.
Should I get it? Should I give it to him? Or should I pretend that I have never seen this and that I shouldn't be thinking about him at all?
"Excusez-moi. Excuse me." Gabriel calls the woman over. "Combien ça coûte? How much does it cost?"
"100 euros." The woman replies.
"No." I turn to Gabriel, "If I'm getting this, I'm buying it myself."
"Cher, it's okay. It's not—"
I shake my head interrupting him, "That's very thoughtful of you, Gabriel. But really, you don't have to."
Without thinking of it further, I place the journal back in its place and close the box.