Chapter Nine:
Houston, Texas
May 17th
Beyoncé Giselle Knowles
"My therapist told me I should just focus on me, do things and act as a single unit, because that's what I am."
Talia nodded her head, assessing the information that I was bombarding her with. We saw the situation differently. She was the naïve young girl that I used to be, and I had grown. But she also didn't know Onika. I did. I still liked to have Talia's opinion.
"Do you think Onika's gonna chase you for however long you decide to do this?"
"Well I'm not shutting her out. We're talking, evaluating, and assessing every damn thing whenever I find myself wanting to. She doesn't disagree. If she does decide not to do what she's supposed to because she messed up, I see where her heart lies."
"So you believe in forgiveness?"
"I believe in second chances for the remorseful. If she crumbles under this pressure and bows out, we won't be together again. That just means she's not remorseful."
"And those are hard rules?"
"Harder than me getting out of here after ten damn years."
The two of us laughed together, finished up that conversation, and I left. I put in another request to see her in the next two days.
Coming here to see Talia had to be one of the best things for me. I saw myself in that bubbly yet aggressive child. She was fighting between who she wanted to be, who she was forced to be, and who she was. She was just trying not to go crazy in this environment.
My phone rang when I got to the car, Ivory calling with her bookends beside her. I answered and set the phone so she could see me while I drove.
"Mama where you at? Why didn't you answer the first two times? What were you doing?" She looked around my background, Cetiri and Kiyomi right behind, playing into her antics.
"I thought I was the parent. What happened?"
She smiled at me, dimples sinking deep into her face.
"You look like your mother."
"Don't bring her up. We are not cool right now."
"Why? What you do?"
"Nothing! I'm on your side Mama!"
"Me too Mama!" Cetiri yelled.
"Me three Auntie," Kiki said calmly.
Like I said, they weren't stupid. There was a disturbance in their home and they knew. They knew their parents weren't sleeping in the same bed, knew that we weren't having the best situation right now. We'd told them, tried our best to be as transparent with them as possible.
"There are no sides because regardless all of you still have to listen to her."
They groaned but they didn't disagree. They better listen to her. I thought of all the nights that I dreamed they wouldn't listen to me because I hadn't been there. It was a different pain when your own children won't listen to you, worse when they knew you made it this wat, so even though Onika was fucked up and selfish and a liar, she was the mother to my children. She gave my children life even when the chances of doing so weren't looking pretty, and for that I would always be in debt to her.
"Well, when you coming home Mama? Auntie Black is here."
"I'm not coming home ever."
They gasped, "For real Mama?!"
"I'm just playing."
"You're gonna get beat when you get here 'cause why are you lying?" Ivory had her hand over her heart.
"I'll see you when I get home."
"I'll be waiting at the door."
"Love you," I blew her kisses and they all blew them back, shouting love you right back. I let them hang up the phone.
I sat back and played some Whitney Houston. She always put me in a better mood and made me think with my feelings.
I didn't want to, but I had to talk to Black. I wasn't as angry as everyone expected me to be. We were sisters, they were my blood, and we'd get through this just like anything else. They'd put themselves in Onika's shoes instead of mine, and that was a mistake, but a mistake that I could get over. There had been bigger issues, much bigger than this.
When I got home, the girls were genuinely waiting at the door for me. Ivory was their ring leader, her arms crossed over her chest, her foot tapping the floor when she saw my car. They didn't even wait for me to get out. As soon as I opened the door, they were there, in my way.
They were annoying, but they were mine, and I'd take this annoyance over being behind bars any day.
"We had to snitch Mama."
I shook my head, "I thought we talked about this."
"We did!" Cetiri yelled then saw Onika standing on the porch. All three of them huddled closer, "We did, but she asked Mama, and we couldn't lie. That's bad right? We did good?"
"Y'all did great. Go play."
Onika was coming as soon as the girls walked off. I didn't want to talk to her but whatever would get her out of my face quicker.
"Hi," She crossed her arms, her heavy breasts pouring out of that fabric she called a shirt. She knew my weaknesses and there was no doubt in my mind that she knew what she was doing.
But I tried my best and ignored those. "Hey," I replied, gathering my things from the passenger seat.
"I'm making Swai tonight."
"That's fine. Thank you."
She stood there, wouldn't move even when I had all my things in hand.
"You need something?" I asked her.
She sighed, "How long are we going to do this? I know I messed up, but I miss you baby."
"Who knows? Maybe indefinitely."
She looked like someone had physically assaulted her. Like someone had stabbed a hole in her heart and just kept twisting, twisting, twisting.
I wanted her to feel like that, needed her to actually. Or she would never get it. It was cruel punishment, but what she had done was crueler.
I had felt crazy, felt guilty, felt so low about everything I had no answers to. I had the answers now, and those low feelings had perished. I was simply making Onika pay for the hurt she had caused and the things she had done. If she decided this was too much, I was taking it too far, and she gave up trying, she wouldn't become a wife. At least not to Beyoncé Knowles.
She would have to fight the way I had for her. Tirelessly. If she couldn't handle it, she didn't deserve me.
Therapy had done wonders for my worth. Ms. Nash would have a field day with Onika.
"Really? Indefinitely?"
"Move. I've gotta go talk to Black."
"Be nice."
I looked at her like she'd lost her mind, got stuck in the valley between her breasts, and went right to my glower.
"Don't be difficult. Get out the way."
She sighed but she moved. One obstacle out of the way and in came another. Black was at the door, waiting on me, mannerisms just like her daughter. I walked past her, bumped her too hard, whispered, "Bitch."
She followed me in, guilt not allowing her to react. I guided her to my new bedroom, told her to shut the door behind her, and sit her ass down. She flopped down on the end of my bed and I sat across, one leg under my body.
"So she told you?"
"Bitch you were supposed to tell me."
"I'm sorry."
"What were you thinking?"
"Girl when I saw those two bitches, I literally almost beat their asses. Red had to pull me away, did either of them tell you that? But I'd put myself in Onika's shoes. When I did the same to Nadine and Cameron, I wished I had time to get myself and my thoughts together before I faced them. I didn't think she was going to take this damn long to say something."
"Why not? If the girl can hide it or lie about it, she will."
"You forgive me?"
I nodded my head, "Just think, y'know? You were dead ass wrong for what you did and Onika was dead ass wrong for what she did. Neither of you were right and both of you verged losing the ones you claim to love. Don't protect her because she doesn't deserve it. I can't tell you what to do, but you do some stupid shit like that again and you can be sisters with her ass."
Happy she was back in my good graces, she climbed her big ass over into my lap. She hugged me around my neck, peppering kisses along my cheek. I returned her kisses. Then she sat back down.
"So why are you sleeping in here?"
"Because she's a liar and I'll hurt her if I'm beside her every night."
Maybe that was an overexaggeration to others, but I knew what I was capable of, and the things I needed to stay away from, lest triggering me. I had done it twice, and I'd rather not hurt her.
She rose my anger all the way up whenever I saw her and with the thoughts I had running around in my mind, I knew I'd hurt her without a second thought. I'd black out, not know what I'd done, and create a problem that was unfixable. My discipline was her savior, but she saw it as me leaving her, and that was only halfway true.
"Like you did that one girl?"
I nodded, "Never wanna do that again. I'm tired of fighting. You know that's not me."
"I know," She kicked her feet. "So how far are you taking this?"
"As far as I need to. I don't know how this ends Ebony, I don't even know if we'll be together by the end of this. Maybe she isn't capable of fighting for me the way I fought for her. Maybe the universe is trying to show me that."
"I think you're prepared for that."
"I'm prepared for everything. Life goes on, but I'm not saying it won't hurt."
"Okay so explain this to me. Are y'all broken up?"
"Yes."
"Does she know that?"
"Crystal clearly."
"Until when?"
"If and when I say so."
"You giving her some?"
"No."
"Until when?"
"If and when I say so."
"Oh you are one cold bitch... I'm proud of you."
I smiled, proud of myself too. "I told her I don't like to be played with and she just keeps playing with me. I'm just gonna do her how Cameron did you?"
"Cameron ain't do shit. I came to him."
"Technically he came to you and had you begging for forgiveness."
She went silent for a minute before she broke out into a smile, "Girl I had to get my man and my woman before they were D-O-N-E with M-E. Who else was going to deal with my shit like they do? Exactly. I'm not hearing any takers."
"Speaking of, where are they?"
She rolled her eyes, "They can kiss my ass. Nadine acts like we're in high school hiding from her damn mother as if we aren't married. And I'm just waiting for Cameron to give in. Like I'm sorry, I'm not giving up, not compromising about this one. It's just a matter of time. I'll let him make his little extra money and then tell him the pass the baton to you, at least until the baby is four months. If you like it, the two of you can go in as partners, make it a bigger business. You're very connected from that prison and that's good. I'll let him teach you. You can come over. But that man isn't traveling or working until then. Just waiting on him to agree," She kicked her feet, "I know my man, and he will."
"I'm sure he will."
"He will."
And I knew he would. Cameron liked to play tough but Ebony could get whatever she wanted out of the man. It wouldn't be long before I had a nephew running around.