I kicked a rock.
I felt bad. It was a very nice rock.
Me and Jack were walking around the forest. I was describing some of the scenery to him as we walked but other than that it was mostly silent.
Why was everything so quiet?
"So, have any ideas for what else we could do on this 'date'?" Jack teased me.
"It's not a date, shut up," I huffed, crossing my arms.
"Really? Because I could of sworn-"
I slapped my hand over his mouth, ignoring his muffled protests.
Our mindless walking had accidentally led us to a horribly familiar place.
Jack finally managed to pry my hand off of his mouth. "Why did we stop?"
"My house," I managed to say, barely getting the words out of my mouth.
The entire street was abandoned, having been burnt beyond repair. Most residencies were reduced to piles of ash, along with any nearby vegetation.
My house was still standing, the frames of the walls just barely holding up. Everything was covered in black ash.
"Oh," Jack said softly, "Do you want to go inside?"
I stood there for a second, thinking. Did I want to go inside? What would I do? There wasn't really much to look at. Even so, it would be interesting to see what survived the fire. Maybe I could find something that used to be important to me.
"Let's go," I grabbed Jacks wrist and led him inside.
As we walked through the burned house I took in what was left of it, which honestly wasn't much.
The drywall was gone, leaving the frames of the building in plain view. They were covered in ash and looked as if they would cave in on themselves at any second. I doubted they would, considering they've held up for over two years.
I glanced at the area where I had killed my dad. There wasn't any noticeable evidence to show I had done so, all of it covered up with ash and other debris.
I pulled Jack with me as I went towards the room I had lived in for so much of my life.
On the way there, I passed Lyra's room and froze. I looked at the door, debating whether I should go in or not.
Yeah, it might be super triggering, yeah I might have a panic attack in front of Jack, yeah it would probably be super embarrassing, but at the same time, I miss her a lot.
I felt Jack squeeze my hand reassuringly. I guess that's what I needed because the next thing I was doing was easing open the door and walking into her room.
The room was coated in a layer of ash and dust, like most things in the house were. The covers on the bed were now black and charred as opposed to the calming green color they used to have. The wooden furniture that was scattered throughout the room had all suffered damage from the heat too. Some things, like her dresser, were impossible to recognize unless you knew what you were looking at.
It was hard to process.
One of the only things I had left of my sister, I had destroyed. It was my fault, I had caused this. I had been to caught up adrenaline when I killed my dad. I acted without thinking. Though now, after two years of being free from thinking about this, I was staring it down.
I put my hand over my mask, an attempt to muffle a sob that didn't quite make it out of my mouth.
Jack was hugging me and there were tears falling out of my eyes only to catch on the edge of my mask.
I couldn't feel that though, I couldn't feel anything. My mind and thoughts were distant. I was detached from my body, the shock of the realization stunning me.
And then I came crashing back.
The blissfulness, if you could even call it that, of being out of my body and away from any potential threats, was ripped away from me.
I fell to the floor and ripped my mask off, letting it drop. My goggles were close behind it, though those were thrown to a random spot in the room. I put my head in my hands and finally gave into crying.
I know that it's healthy to cry once in a while, but this didn't feel healthy. This wasn't me 'freeing myself of my emotions'. This was me refusing to accept what I did, this was me regretting burning everything down, this was me regretting killing my dad, this was me regretting getting in the car. Why did I have to get in the fucking car? Why couldn't I have told Lyra no. If I did then she would be here.
If I didn't get in the car, Lyra would be alive.
This really was all my fault then, wasn't it?
Jack was still holding me tightly, despite our sudden change of positions. He was whispering words in my ear. I wasn't processing them, but the sound of his voice helped calm me down slightly, but it wasn't enough.
"Take me back, please," I mumbled through my hands.
Jack adjusted me slightly, then picked me up.
"You're safe," Jack said as he slowly made his way out of my old house.
"I'm here for you," he whispered as he walked quietly through the forest.
"I love you," Jack whispered to me as he helped me finally walk away from my old life and into my new one.
A/N-
damn that was a heavy chapter-
finally got another part done, absolutely slaying- I know it took me a long time and I'm sorry about that- I was doing my normal stuff-
I'm officially on fall break now though, so probably gonna get a few more chapters done? Maybe? Hopefully?
Probably going to start on another chapter tonight, gonna be super cool, hopefully I get it done sooner this time, hopefully it isn't as sad and stuff-
right that's it
I love y'all and byeee