BONUS CHAPTER III
Chapter 29.5
(Two days ago)
Elliot is not exaggerating when he says that the only thing that makes his days bearable nowadays is seeing his golden boy's face every night at the bridge. He will get through whatever kind of shit day with a smile on his face if it means he'll get to see his golden boy at the end of the day. That's all he needs really.
Yes, he is that whipped.
He goes to sleep with a smile nowadays and wakes up with one too. Elliot used to be easily irritable but not recently. He can overcome almost anything easily and not be bothered by it.
To be honest, Elliot doesn't know when this change in him began to occur, it just happened. He is very much aware that he's been attracted to the blond ever since he first laid his eyes on him. But it's not mere attraction anymore, he truly likes him. He wants to be around him as much as he can, and wants to listen to every single thing he has to say. He wants to know everything about the golden boy.
But still, Elliot is biding his time. He hasn't told Josh he likes him just yet.
Elliot still has some things that he has to figure out for himself. But more than that, he is sure that the blond has things to figure out for more himself and Elliot doesn't want to voice out his feelings and come off strong and risk scaring the blond away.
He has already risked losing him once, he is not willing to do it again.
Elliot is sure of his sexual orientation, and he's been familiar with it for some time now, but he knows that for Josh it's still a new territory. He cannot and does not wish under any circumstances to pressure or 'influence' him somehow. Just because Elliot likes Josh, it doesn't mean Josh has to reciprocate his feelings too — but Elliot is not blind, he knows that Josh likes him. He just has to be patient until Josh realises it too and admits it.
And then, Elliot can tell him too.
Until then, he has to be patient, although admittedly that has been a challenging task as of late.
If Elliot is permitted to say so himself, the relationship between him and Josh has blossomed quite beautifully. Their first meeting wasn't under the best circumstances and as terrified as Elliot was at that instant, he somehow managed to mask it well, and he likes to think he handled the situation well.
After that first meeting, everything was up to chance really. He did very cockily say that he'd see the golden boy the next day but really, he didn't know shit. He didn't even know why he behaved the way he did. He wasn't usually like that; it takes him some time before he can warm up to somebody, but with Josh everything was just different — he knows how cliche it all sounds but it is what it is.
Fortunately for him, Josh did show up the next day and they just connected. There were instances in between when it seemed like whatever they had going on might die out, but somehow, they managed to keep it going. Elliot has to belief it all means something.
The day starts off as any other day. Elliot wakes up and he sees Crystal, his aunts' dog already waiting by his bed, wagging her tail, tongue lolled out. She does a little jump and taps her feet as her way of greeting.
"A very good morning to you too," Elliot coos at the dog, leaning down to scratch the top of her head.
And then stretching out, he stands up and walks out of his attic-room, down the stairs to the bathroom on the first floor to freshen up a little bit before he gets started with his day. But before he has even splashed some cold water on his face, there is a knock on the bathroom door. It's one of his aunts.
"Yeah?" he calls out.
"Um... Elliot, honey, would you please come out?"
"In a sec," he quickly washes his face and brushes his teeth before opening the door and sees Jules, his aunt at the door smiling up at him with a hesitant smile which has Elliot looking over her shoulder to see if she's hiding something behind her back.
But there is nothing. He can't be blamed for being wary; his aunt loves to pull pranks especially in the mornings when your brain has barely started to function.
"You good?" she asks him and Elliot raises a suspicious eyebrow.
"What's going on?"
She shakes her head, grimacing and then slowly bops it up and down, "Yeah, I'm just going to be direct with you — better that way. Stanley's downstairs, waiting for you,"
Remember when Elliot said that there was nothing that could deter Elliot as long as it meant he got to see his golden boy at the end of the day; maybe there are some exceptions to it after all. Elliot feels the smile slipping off his face and dread filling his body from bottom to top. This can't be happening. Maybe he heard her wrong.
"Wh– who did you say it was again?"
"Stanley. Stanley Williams," there is no use in denying it anymore. He hasn't heard her wrong.
It is him. He is here and he wants to see him. Why? And just when everything was going so well for Elliot? Even the situation he is in right then is very much dire, he still feels a strangle sensation of laughter bubble up his throat.
Of course, this has to happen now.
What was he thinking? That the universe was suddenly going to side with him and let him be? He should have something was bound to kick him eventually, and it came in the form of the least expected person he thought he would see — his ex.
"What?"
Jules, grimacing still, places a hand on his shoulder, "I know... Or maybe I don't. But he's downstairs right now, waiting,"
"And what the fuck am I supposed to do about that?"
She raises her index finger, "Ok, I'm going to let that swearing past this once because I cannot even begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now, but be warned, young man,"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jules," he quickly apologises, and runs a hand through his hair, whispering harshly, not wanting for his voice to be overheard, "Can I not see him? Can you tell him I'm not here?"
She lifts her shoulder into an awkward shrug, "We've already told him you're here?"
"Just tell him I came down with something,"
Jules shakes her head at him, giving him a consoling smile, and patting his shoulder, "You're okay. Just come downstairs and see why he's here,"
"I– I–," he lets out a sharp exhale.
He has to admit he has been doing much better than when he first came here. But it wasn't without with its struggles. Elliot had to work for it, focus on the now, let whatever he left back home stay behind him. And it worked. He's doing much better now and there are times when he can laugh freely and he truly feels unburdened.
But that doesn't mean he is ready to visit the ghosts of his past.
Or maybe he is. He doesn't know.
He thought that he still had time, that he won't have to deal with all this for now, but things have a way of happening when you least expect them.
Elliot takes in a deep breath, and looks at Jules, forcing a nod.
"Okay, fine. Just give me a minute, and I'll be right downstairs, okay,"
Jules nods back and with another pat on his shoulder, leaves him. Elliot inhales once again, and quickly makes his way up the stairs to his room. He searches for his phone and picks it up. Only when he unlocks the device, he does realise something with a sinking feeling.
He doesn't have the golden boy's phone number.
"Fuck," he swears to himself.
It's nice, their slow-paced relationship building but seriously why the fuck have they even not exchanged phone numbers? Elliot feels that it will help him greatly and reassure him if he could at least hear his voice.
His golden boy doesn't have to say anything meaningful or resounding to him, just a simple 'good morning' would have more than sufficed too; Elliot just wants to hear his voice. But unfortunately for him, he doesn't have his phone number.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Elliot paces back and forth for a few moments and then stops. Another deep breath.
It's fine. He can still do this. It's Stanley. He dated him once, Elliot thinks he might have even started to love him, and there was a period of time Elliot couldn't wait to spend time with him. Clearly, things aren't the same anymore, but he doesn't have to react this way. He can go downstairs calmly and meet Stanley. Talk like old friends. Hear what he has to say.
He can do this.
At the back of his mind, he also reminds himself that he just has to get through the day and then once the sun sets and the night comes out, he can see Josh again. That gives him reassurance like nothing else.
Elliot nods to himself. Yes, he can do this.
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No, he cannot do this.
Elliot groans internally when he checks the time and sees it's only five. He leans back against the sofa, taking his eyes away from the television and looking up at the ceiling, letting out a small sigh. Unintentionally, he gets Stanley's attention. They are still at their aunts' house. They have been at their aunts' house since that morning.
Both of his aunts had left him to go open the bakery, giving him an off day that he did not ask for, saying that maybe he needed the time to catch up with Stanley. Pettily, he thought, no, I don't, but didn't say anything as such and just nodded politely with a forced smile.
So, yeah, he has been with Stanley since that morning. But still, Elliot doesn't know the purpose of his visit. Stanley hasn't said anything to him worthwhile and keeps making small talk. Not that Elliot has been making much of an effort really.
But he really doesn't know what he is supposed to do here.
He is nowhere near prepared for any of this. It feels so weird being so close to Stanley again. He cannot believe that he used to date this guy once, and confided in with him — right now he feels very much like a stranger. Isn't it weird how one person can go from being so close to you to an absolute stranger just like that?
"We can watch other movie if you like?" Stanley says to him.
Yes, they are watching a movie now, as insignificant and stupid as it is. Actually, all they had done so far are vastly insignificant.
They had breakfast, talked with their aunts around, and then their aunts left, Elliot escaped to the kitchen under the name of cooking for lunch, and then they ate lunch, made small talk, and Stanley suggested movies and now here they are.
Did Stanley really come all this way just to spend a boring, normal day with him? Elliot finds it hard to believe that; maybe once he would have believed it. But right now, there is too much history between them, too many things left unresolved. There has to be something else.
Letting out another sigh, Elliot shakes his head; there is maybe an hour of the movie left. And he wasn't really paying any attention, but still he says, "No, we can still continue watching this,"
And that's how yet another hour flew by listlessly.
Stanley is more than ready to continue watching yet another movie, but truly Elliot cannot keep doing this. He picks up the tv remote and turns it off, turning to Stanley.
"Just..." he lets out a shallow breath, and tries again, "What are you doing here, Stanley?"
The latter is startled by the question, clearly not expecting it, but he quickly masks it with a nonchalant shrug, "Wanted to see you,"
"You came all the way here just to see me?" Elliot can't help the scoff that pushed past his lips.
Stanley only replies with another shrug.
Elliot feels a heavy weight settle upon his shoulders and suddenly he is very tired. He wants very much to go up to his room and curl under his blanket, forget this day ever happened, and start new with tomorrow.
And if he can't do that, he would at least like to see his golden boy. Seeing him will make everything better — Elliot doesn't care how whipped or dependent this makes him sound. He's found a new kind of a solace in the blond and he wishes to hold onto it as long as he can.
He stands up abruptly from the sofa, suddenly feeling the place to be too constricted for him to even breathe. Fortunately, his aunts came in right at the moment and Elliot all but sprints to the door, mumbling a curt, "I'm going for a walk," before leaving.
Elliot doesn't even realise Stanley has followed after him until a few minutes when the latter has fallen into step right beside him. Maybe he should have extended the invitation to him in the first place instead of leaving him alone in his aunts' house, but maybe he wanted to get away from him too.
Elliot doesn't know. He just wants to go away. He is not even sure where he's walking to right then. The sun has started to set, and it will be dark before long. The route seems familiar though, and maybe if the brunet had a clearer mind, he probably can tell where he's walking towards.
And as if having identified the confusion in his mind, Stanley asks right then, "Where are we going?"
This time it is Elliot's turn to reply with a shrug.
The other boy doesn't say anything for a while and Elliot dares himself to think that maybe he's done. He won't say anything anymore. But he thought too soon and too wrong.
"I'm sorry," Stanley apologises suddenly, stopping mid-track, and Elliot is forced to stop alongside him.
"For what?" Elliot doesn't even try to hide the weariness in his voice.
"For... everything," he sighs, his shoulders slumping. He looks just as tired as Elliot feels, if not more and for a moment there, Elliot's heart goes out for him. But only for a moment though, because what he says ticks Elliot in the worst possible way and he has started walking away before the other boy can even complete the sentence, "And also for leaving you at the worst time possible. After–"
That's not something Elliot wants to talk about. Not now. He can't. He might be doing better, but that's because he's become good at ignoring certain things, and this particular matter is at the heart of the things Elliot has deliberately ignored. So, no, he's not going to discuss it.
"Elliot," Stanley calls after him, but he only starts walking even faster and before he knows it, he's reached a quite familiar place without even him knowing.
He hadn't meant to go there. It just happened. It's become like a second nature to him, going to the bridge. Golden boy, Elliot thinks when he hears footsteps but before he's even turned around, he already knows it's not him.
Shit, in his hurry to get away he has unwittingly led Stanley to the bridge, a place he considers to be very personal to him.
"Cool place," Stanley says, looking around.
"Not really," Elliot forces himself to say and tries to walk past Stanley, fully intent on bringing him away from the bridge but the latter steps in his way.
"Wait," he steps before Elliot at every attempt of his to walk away and finally has no choice but to give in.
"What?"
"We have to talk,"
"You had all day to talk," Elliot points out, raising his eyebrows.
"I know. I know. I just... I didn't know how to," and then a few beats later, "Come back home,"
Elliot takes a step back, stunned at that, "What?"
"Just come back home, Eli. Everyone misses you. I miss you,"
The curly-haired boy can't help but laugh at that; he realises how bitter he sounds but he truly cannot care, "Home?"
"Yes, home,"
"And where is that?" Elliot doesn't give time for Stanley to respond and presses on, "I don't have a home to return to anymore, Stanley. There's no one back there. There's no–" he takes in a shuddering breath, shaking his head, "My parents are getting divorced too, and my dad has already moved out, and I'm pretty sure that my mom will be planning to sell the house soon. So, tell me what do I have to return to?"
"They're getting divorced?"
"Yeah,"
"Shit, I didn't know. I'm sorry,"
Elliot shrugs back. He's had time to get used to the idea, and even though it's not something he finds pleasant, there's no use dwelling on it. There's nothing he can do to change it.
"That doesn't mean you can't come back,"
"I know that. But have you considered that maybe I don't?"
"What?" Stanley lets out a scoff, full of disbelief, "Come on, you can't mean that,"
Another shrug. Elliot actually does mean it.
"Look, I know I wasn't there when you needed me back then. But–"
"This isn't about you, Stanley,"
"But if I didn't leave you, would you have stayed?"
"To be honest... I don't know," he lifts his shoulders, "But all that doesn't matter now,"
"I'm sorry, Elliot," he steps closer and takes his hands in his, squeezing them, "I really am,"
"You have nothing to apologise for, Stan," Elliot shakes his head.
"I have everything to apologise for,"
"You cannot blame yourself,"
"And neither can you,"
Elliot shakes his head, giving him a barely there smile. He's really very tired now. He would very much like to go back to his aunts'. Sighing, he closes his eyes for a moment and Stanley mistakes it as a cue to kiss him.
His hands slide up to his cheek and he connects their lips. It takes a moment for Elliot to pull back since he is overcome by shock but he does pull away as fast as he can. This is not what he wants. This is not how this day was supposed to go.
Faintly, he hears departing footsteps close by and Elliot quickly turns out to inspect the source of the sound but he doesn't see anyone. Shit, shit, shit.
What if it's Josh? What did he see? Did he see anything at all?
He turns to Stanley who is looking at him with this strange look in his eyes, arms hanging limply at his sides, "What the fuck was that?"
Stanley doesn't apologise this time around however but instead he simply asks, "There's someone else, isn't there?"
Elliot feels an unwanted blush creeping up his cheeks, but he doesn't say anything.
Stanley shakes his head, letting out a dry chuckle at himself. He looks back at Elliot, this time with a hint of recognition in his eyes, "You really don't want to come back, do you?"
This question Elliot can answer. He spares a look over his shoulder where he thinks Josh must have run away, before turning back to Stanley with a definite answer in his mind: "No, I don't,"
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