TW: emotional abuse, panic attack, mentions sex, references kidnapping, depression, death, homophobia, and alcoholism
"Why did you do it?"
"I didn't do anything."
"Stop with the games." Heeseung turned away. "You paid people to keep their mouths shut and turn a blind eye when we needed them. Why?"
"Isn't it obvious?" The CEO leaned against the bars of his temporary jail cell. "It was for you. I ensured your group's success. Nobody cared before. Now, the whole world is watching."
"But not because of our music."
"Well, yes. That's how it works, Heeseung. I've been in this industry long enough to know; you establish yourself first as people the public wants to root for. Music comes second."
"It doesn't come second. This whole—everything—it was because of music. I became an idol because I love music."
"The public doesn't give two shits about your music," the CEO laughed. He retreated further into his cell, lying down on the iron cot. "It's all about you. You must be perfect. You must be sellable. Only then will people care."
Heeseung clenched his fists. "But we were sellable. You didn't have to let a goddamn sasaeng kidnap Daniel to get people to buy our music."
The CEO remained indifferent, staring at the ceiling with his hands tucked behind his head. "Our company needed money. I couldn't take any risks."
"Risks?" Heeseung scoffed. "So you gambled with our lives?! She could've killed us! She nearly did!"
"I helped you. One day, you'll realize that, and you'll be grateful."
Heeseung shook his head. "I am grateful. I know you helped us. But what you did was wrong. It was dishonest, manipulative, and the public deserves to know the truth."
"The public will know the truth. And when they find out, let me be the monster, Heeseung. Give them another reason to root for you."
"Stop," Heeseung muttered.
"No," the CEO prodded on. "It's important that you know. I've always been on your side, whether you like it or not. Whether you admit it or not."
Heeseung didn't reply. He turned to leave, pausing for a moment. "Thank you for helping us debut."
"Of course. Make me proud, Heeseung."
"I don't need to make you proud." Heeseung left the room without another word.
***
Bubble baths were supposed to be peaceful, but Heeseung was filled with rage.
It didn't show, though. He wasn't the type to storm about a house, knocking over furniture. Instead, he sat in a bathtub of water and soap, fuming internally at the CEO's smug attitude. Bubbles encircled his limbs as he created small whirlpools with his hands.
Bastard. That cocky two-faced motherfucking bastard.
The worst part was that the CEO was right.
He had helped them achieve the unattainable.
In the past two days, Belift had skyrocketed in popularity. They were practically set for life now; the public couldn't get enough of the thirteen boys who had heroically protected each other and also happened to make wonderful music that could be bought alongside pictures, posters, albums, and just about every other good under the sun.
Belift was the group that overcame it all. They'd never be forgotten, and Heeseung hated that. The slimy shower curtain brushed against his skin, and he flinched, groaning as his eyes slid shut.
~
Soobin quietly laughed. "I think he thinks you have OCD."
"Heeseung has OCD?" Sunghoon strolled into the room, mindlessly buttoning his shirt. "I'd believe it."
~
Three days ago, Dr. Bhatt had mentioned that Heeseung might have more in common with Beomgyu than originally thought. And honestly? Heeseung did see parts of himself in Beomgyu. He understood what it was like getting overwhelmed by simple things like sight, sound, and touch.
But the difference was, Heeseung wasn't always like this. He could go about his life just like any other. It was only on rare, stressful occasions that his paranoid side came out. He couldn't help but wonder if he was faking it, if maybe, unbeknownst to even himself, he was just a secret attention-whore.
A light knock on the door interrupted his thoughts.
"Hyung, it's me," Sunghoon called.
"Come in," Heeseung sighed. He watched the younger boy enter the bathroom, gently shutting the door after himself.
"You almost done?" Sunghoon leaned down to peck his head.
"Yes." Heeseung swirled the water. "This is a strange form of therapy, but I get why Dr. Bhatt suggested it."
He looked up. "Sunghoon, do you think I might have OCD?"
"I..." Sunghoon stared at him thoughtfully. "I think this is a conversation you need to have with yourself more than me."
"I just want your opinion, Hoon. Please. What do you think?"
Sunghoon exhaled slowly, taking a seat on the toilet lid. "I think... You are a very introverted person. Shy. And sometimes that doesn't translate well into the career you chose, but you have a lot of passion for music, which almost always makes up for it."
"Almost?"
The younger boy nodded. "There are times when your anxiety gets really bad, and I worry about you. Times when you don't handle stress well. And that's okay. Stress isn't meant to be handled well."
He absentmindedly tapped the bathroom counter. "However, your stress manifests itself in ways that are... a bit atypical. That doesn't mean you have OCD. That also doesn't mean that you don't have OCD. Ultimately, you're not going to know unless you talk to Dr. Bhatt, who did think the signs were strong enough to be worth mentioning. That kind of says something in itself. Right?"
"Expert dodge of my question," Heeseung sighed. "You're a celebrity through and throu- Hey!"
He raised his hands, giggling as Sunghoon playfully splashed him with water.
"Mm, well, this celebrity has got a date with the dishwasher which has yet to be unloaded since last nigh-"
"Nobody wants to do the dishes after getting home from the hospital. Even freaks like me, Hoon."
"I know," Sunghoon laughed, brushing the seat of his pants as he stood up. "Enjoy your bath, Heeseung."
"Bye," the older boy whispered. "Love you."
Sunghoon smiled. "Love you too."
He bent down, treating Heeseung to a small peck on the lips before leaving the room.
***
Heeseung nearly had a heart attack in the hallway post-bubble bath.
He stared at their kitchen counter in disbelief. A bright yellow flower—sitting in a brand new glass vase—stared back at him. Namjoon had gifted him the orchid a month ago when Belift first introduced themselves to BTS by sneaking onto the seventh floor of the HYBE building and unintentionally scaring the living daylights out of Hoseok. The flower, naturally, had died after being plucked from the HYBE garden.
And yet here it was again on their kitchen counter, looking as fine and fit as ever.
"How?" He bounded up to the vase and stroked the plant's leaves, delighted. "I thought it was past the point of revival."
His members watched him curiously, most rolling their eyes and turning away after a moment's pause.
"It's not the same flower, Heeseung," Soobin laughed. "Joon hyung and I went gardening this morning. I picked out another one for our counter because honestly, a shriveled-up orchid is not the move in the home decor industry."
"Oh." Heeseung turned around, ginning as his arms found and wrapped themselves around Sunghoon's waist. "That's good."
He hunched over, burying his face in the hood of Sunghoon's sweatshirt.
"You okay?" The younger boy murmured, running his fingers through Heeseung's hair.
Heeseung gave an unenthusiastic hum. "The bubble bath didn't help. I still feel on edge."
"That's to be expected," Sunghoon sighed. "Some things only time can heal. But in the meanwhile..."
He slowly spun around, his hands finding their way to Heeseung's shoulders. "Your boyfriend can help you feel better."
Heeseung let out a quiet giggle as their foreheads bumped together. They stayed in close proximity, smiling and brushing their noses together in a technology-less rendition of 'no, you hang up the call first.'
"Oh, For the love of God, get a room." Yeonjun set down his mug before limping to the kitchen sink, his ankle boot clunking against the tile floor. "I'm going to barf."
"Not because of you two," Soobin quickly added, standing up to follow the older boy. "He's... He's been feeling the effects of withdrawal since last night."
"Withdrawal?" Jake turned his head towards them. "He relapsed?"
"Yeah, before the stupid fucking concert." Yeonjun doubled over the sink, moaning. "I hate myself. So stupid. Soobin?"
"I'm here." The younger boy soothingly rubbed his back. "And next time you feel the urge to become a raging alcoholic, remember this moment."
Jungwon glanced in their direction. "Wait, you were drunk at the concert?"
Jay frowned, not taking his eyes off his card game. "Who was drunk at the concert?"
Sunoo looked up from his phone. "Someone was drunk at the concert?"
Heeseung mentally facepalmed.
"Yeah, guys," he sighed, letting go of Sunghoon's waist. "Yeonjun hyung relapsed three days ago and now has a rough couple of weeks ahead of him with withdrawal and everything, so just be mindful of that when we're on stage and um, be patient, supportive, and keep doing what we do as a family. Protect each other. Got it?"
The boys all nodded.
"Of course," Daniel chirped. "Yeonjun hyung, fighting."
Yeonjun groaned, still doubled over the sink. "This is so humiliating. Did you have to make a whole speech about it, Heeseung?"
"Yes, he did." Soobin patted his back. "Remember that next time you want to crack open a bottle of-"
"I get it! I get it!" Yeonjun grumbled.
Beomgyu abruptly stood up, his chair screeching against the kitchen floor. "Wait, is that why you wanted me to drive during the sasaeng car chase? You were drunk?"
"I wasn't drunk; I was tipsy." Yeonjun glanced up, meeting Beomgyu's eyes through a curtain of sweaty bangs. He pursed his lips apologetically. "But yeah, that was part of the reason."
Hurt flashed across Beomgyu's face. "I thought it was because you trusted me. You said you trusted me."
"I do." Yeonjun's face turned sickly pale.
"I don't believe that," Beomgyu dryly laughed. "For almost a year now, hyung, every word that's come out of your mouth has been a lie. Always a lie or another excuse."
"Beomgyu, I promise you, I-"
"I don't want another promise!" Beomgyu shouted. "I want you! I want my hyung back!"
He stormed away, seeking comfort in his laptop and the living room couch cushions.
"Wait, back up a second. Yeonjun hyung relapsed?" Jake whipped around in a panic, his gaze falling upon Kai. "Did you- Did you drink too?"
"No," the older boy whispered.
"Kai!" Jake cried. "Please. You promised."
"I..." Kai hung his head, staring at the floor regretfully. "It was a mistake. A one-time mistake."
His voice wavered. "I'm sorry, Jake."
"It's okay," Jake murmured, leaning in to kiss Kai's lips. "Just be honest with me, alright?"
Soobin and Yeonjun glanced at each other.
"It's not going to be a one-time thing, is it?" Heeseung whispered.
"It never is." Yeonjun stared at the sink drain. "It's a constant uphill battle, Heeseung. You have to understand that."
"I'll talk to Jake. Or, I guess, Soobin hyung? Maybe this might be a conversation better suited to you?"
Soobin nodded. "Yeah. I'll pull him aside later."
Just then, Taehyun, draped in blankets, emerged from a bedroom. He slowly trudged across the dorm, taking a seat on the couch.
Beomgyu's face lit up.
"Hey." He hastily glued himself to the younger boy's side. "How was your nap?"
"Average," Taehyun mumbled. "Everything hurts, and I feel like I'm dying."
"Well, that's not good." Beomgyu gently lifted Taehyun's shirt. "I'm going to check your stitches, okay? Doc said we have to check every day for infection."
He hunched over, observing Taehyun's wound. "Looking great. Did you take your antibiotics this morning? Doc said that-"
"Gyu." Taehyun closed his eyes, resting his head on Beomgyu's shoulder. "Be quiet and hold me."
"Oh, yeah. Okay. Sure." Beomgyu put an arm around the younger boy as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Do you want to watch something?"
He slid the device into Taehyun's hands. "Let's start a new TV show. You pick."
Taehyun began weakly crying. Beomgyu's phone slipped through his fingers, hitting the rug with a quiet thump, and he cried harder. "Beomgyu..."
"Hey. Hey. Look at me." Beomgyu cupped the younger boy's cheeks. "It's okay. I love you. It's okay."
He hesitated for a minute before murmuring, "Do you love me?"
Taehyun didn't respond. He just quietly clung to Beomgyu's arm, sniffling.
Beomgyu gently stroked his hair. "Taehyun, I'm scared. You remember how it felt when you didn't know if I loved you back? Please. Do you love me?"
"Yes," Taehyun sobbed, holding on to Beomgyu's arm tighter. "I love you. I love you so much it hurts."
"Okay," Beomgyu whispered. "Thank you."
He leaned down to pick up his phone before resuming his position with one arm around Taehyun. "Here you go."
They both stared at the screen, Taehyun holding the device at a limp, awkward angle as they browsed through TV shows.
"Beomgyu," Heeseung hesitantly called. "Can you even see?"
"Yep."
"...Okay, then." Heeseung checked his watch. "Everybody be ready in two hours; we have a press meeting and a live show later this afternoon. And also, don't forget to sign the card on the breakfast table. We're visiting Jihun hyung in the hospital today!"
He turned around to find Sunghoon gazing at him lovingly. "What?"
"Nothing," Sunghoon smiled. "It's just... You grew into the leader position well. I'm proud of you."
"Oh." Heeseung blushed as he glanced down. "Thanks."
He walked away, embarrassingly, with a little pep in his step.
***
"Press meetings are so boring," Sunoo sighed, holding up his phone to snap a few selfies.
"Yeah." Heeseung stared out the window, watching buildings pass by as their van rumbled down the road.
"I'm glad we get to go to the live show now." Sunoo adjusted his camera angle. "It'll be so much fun performing in front of a live audience!"
"Yeah," Heeseung said.
Sunoo frowned, still taking selfies. "It was so nice of Jeffery hyung to let us use his van while we're in the process of getting a new car."
"Yeah." Heeseung nervously clung to his seatbelt.
"Alright, you're clearly not listening since this is Changbin sunbaenim's van, and we don't even know anybody named Jeffery, so, what's up, hyung? You look a little green."
Heeseung smiled sheepishly, turning to face the younger boy. "Sorry. It's just my driver's test is this weekend. I have less than forty-eight hours to master the art of parallel parking."
"Oh, you'll do fine," Yeonjun laughed from the front row. "Soobin and I can take you for more practice later toda-"
A loud snore interrupted their conversation. They all looked to Sunoo's left. Ni-ki sat slumped in his seat, his mouth open and his head tilted back at an awkward angle. Sunoo sighed, dragging Ni-ki's head down and resting it on his shoulder. Heeseung sent him a questioning look.
"What?" Sunoo muttered. "His neck will hurt, he won't dance well, and he'll embarrass all of us."
"Okay," Heeseung simply said. He turned away, smiling knowingly.
***
A hand suddenly appeared on Heeseung's shoulder.
"I need to go backstage." Beomgyu looked up at him pleadingly, his brow beaded with sweat. "Fuck, I-"
Before Heeseung could react, the older boy dropped to his knees, clutching his head. "It hurts."
A hush fell over the venue.
Heeseung nervously looked up. His mouth ran dry as he raised his mic to his mouth and put on a fake smile. "Sorry, all. Beomgyu is going to go take a little rest; his stamina hasn't fully recovered since the accident."
A collective "Oh" ran through the crowd.
Yeonjun anxiously bit his lip before talking into his mic. "Ah, yes. Silly Beomgyu, scaring us all with his coma. He's a real funny guy, isn't he?"
He raised his arms, riling up the crowd as a distraction while Taehyun and Jake helped Beomgyu off stage.
"Feel better soon, Beomgyu!" One fan shouted.
"Take as much time as you need!" Another hollered.
"Marry me, Beomgyu!" A third screeched.
Heeseung grinned, bringing his mic near his mouth again. "Thank you guys for being patient! Is it okay if the rest of us head backstage to check on him? We'll be back in a jiffy!"
"Go!"
"We need a bathroom break anyway!"
"Yeah, we were waiting in line for sixteen hours!"
Heeseung snorted, shaking his head at their fans. "You guys are the best. Okay! We'll see you all in ten minutes?"
A collective cheer erupted from the crowd. Heeseung and the rest of his bandmates waved goodbye, backing up as the curtains closed between them and their fans. As soon as they were hidden from sight, their smiles flipped into worried frowns. They rushed to Beomgyu, who was crouching in a corner, crying and shaking his head as Taehyun gently murmured to him.
"Beomgyu?" Heeseung took a knee beside the older boy. "What's wrong?"
"It's too loud," Beomgyu muttered to himself. "It's too loud. I can't think."
"What?" Heeseung glanced at Taehyun, who shrugged.
"That's all he's been saying." Taehyun reached for Beomgyu's hand. "Gyu, the EMTs are on their way, okay? Just hang in there. Are you feeling sick?"
"No, please, stop it," Beomgyu begged. "Tell them to go away. I don't want the EMTs."
"Why?" Taehyun gently asked.
"My arms hurt," Beomgyu mumbled. "I can't do it. My arms hurt."
"What can't you do, Beomgyu?"
"Shh! Just leave me alone!" Beomgyu retreated further into the corner, practically hiding beneath the black metal bars of their lighting equipment. His eyes widened with terror, darting back and forth between Taehyun and the wall. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to be mean."
"Beomgyu," Taehyun whispered, crawling closer. "Look at the floor. Don't look at anything else; just look at the floor. It's black, right? It's a nice shade of black. Not too dark, but not too light either."
Beomgyu stared at the ground, almost falling into a trance while listening to Taehyun talk. After a minute, he looked up. "It's too loud. The music, the cheers. And the lights. Too bright. It's hurting my head."
"Here. Wear your sunglasses." Taehyun slipped a pair of shades out of his pocket. "A side effect of concussions is light sensitivity, remember?"
"I don't want to wear them."
"The doctor said you should wear them, Beomgyu."
The older boy grumbled for a moment before putting them on. "It's still too loud."
"What if you cover your ears?"
"I can't. My arms hurt."
"What if I cover your ears?"
Beomgyu's body jerked as if he'd touched an electric current. He let out a quiet sob, tilting his head. "I can't understand. I can't think."
"Like this, okay?" Taehyun reached up, covering Beomgyu's ears with his palms. "Just like this."
Beomgyu shivered, taking a moment to adjust before exhaling shakily. "Yeah. That's okay."
He crawled out from under the lighting equipment and stood up, fanning his puffy face. "Does it look like I've been crying?"
Jake smiled, shaking his head. "Nope. You're good."
They carefully made their way back onto the stage, taking seats on the thirteen stools set up for the live interview part of the show. Heeseung monitored Taehyun and Beomgyu throughout the set. Beomgyu's cheerful grin slowly returned to him as he gained more confidence with having Taehyun's hands as his personal ear muffs. He laughed and waved at their fans, none of who asked any questions about his earlier meltdown or his current plight.
The best fans in the world, Heeseung thought as he took his place for their next performance, a thirteen-member version of Enhypen's 'Flicker.'
We've got the best fans in the world.
***
"You're quitting the police?" Ni-ki grabbed his hair in anguish. "No!"
Jake stared at Mei, mouth agape. "But you're, like, the only competent cop!"
Mei laughed, leaning back in her chair beside Jihun's hospital bed. "Thanks for the compliment, guys, but I'm sure they'll do just fine without me. The action and adventure was fun, but it might not be what I want to do for the rest of my life."
"Which is perfectly okay," Jihun smiled at her. "You're only twenty-seven, and besides, it's never too late to start a new career."
He turned to his other side, looking at Eunji. "You too. Both of you are incredibly smart, talented, and beautiful women. I'm proud to call you my best friends."
Eunji rolled her eyes. "Did getting shot turn you into a motivational speaker?"
"Yeah, quit being a weirdo, Jihun," Mei laughed. She glanced down at her crutches. "Anyways, as I was saying, the doctors said my leg could take up to six months to heal. Femurs don't heal easily, apparently. It's all good, though; my worker's compensation for getting hurt in the line of duty is great."
"Damn," Jake breathed. "Well, we wish you the best of luck in whatever career you choose!"
Mei quietly chuckled. "You all are too sweet. I'm going to miss working with you guys."
"We'll miss you too," the thirteen boys immediately chorused back.
For a moment, the TV playing in the background was all to be heard in Jihun's hospital room.
Sunoo frowned. "Hey, guys. Look."
He increased the volume before setting the remote aside. They all stared at the anchorman on screen.
"Up next on News Ten: the capital of South Korea, Seoul, experiences a massive spike in tourism as fans all over the world celebrate the safe return of beloved K-pop idol Kim Seokjin."
The screen switched to a live cam of the Seoul train station. A news reporter dressed in trendy business clothing was interviewing a street vendor who'd just gotten off a train.
"I'm moving to Seoul!" The vendor exclaimed. He enthusiastically pointed at his cart. "RM shopped here! Fifty percent off anything blue!"
Kai snorted, covering his mouth in disbelief. "Wow. That's uh... Wow."
"Wait a second," Heeseung grinned, turning towards Jake. "I know that guy! That's Namjoon hyung's Busan vendor."
"Busan vendor?" Jake questioned.
"Yeah," Jungwon laughed. "Remember that time we went to BTS sunbaenim's dorms before dance practice to get flashlights, and Namjoon hyung came out of his room wearing nothing but a blue robe and fuzzy slides? He said he bought it from a street vendor in Busan!"
"Oh," Jake said. "Wack."
"Hey, wait, I almost forgot." Jay gleefully turned towards Heeseung. "You visited the CEO this morning at the police station. How'd it go?"
"He's still being stupid and uncooperative," Heeseung sighed. He awkwardly glanced at Mei. "Sorry. I keep forgetting he's your dad; you guys are nothing alike."
"Oh, thank you," Mei laughed. "That's the best compliment I've ever received."
"Why was the CEO arrested anyway?" Jungwon pondered. "Was he working with the sasaeng?"
"Um." Heeseung bit his lip. "It's complicated. We'll save that story for another day, yeah?"
Jungwon shrugged. "Whatever. He can suck my dick. Anyways, what's the plan for tomorrow and Monday? Are all of us coming to Busan with you and Daniel?"
"Watch your language, and no. Daniel and I will go by ourselves," Heeseung reported. "But if I fail my driver's test tomorrow, then Soobin hyung will come with us. The rest of you have until Tuesday off."
Eunji nodded. "And make sure you guys are back early on Monday evening so that you're well rested. Your court testimonies against the CEO are Tuesday at noon. I won't be there, but Jihun and Mei will be."
"Why won't you be there?" Ni-ki frowned. "You're our manager."
Heeseung, Mei, Jihun, and Eunji all shifted awkwardly.
"She's..." Mei started before trailing off.
Eunji sighed, sitting up straight. "I'm not your manager anymore. I handed in my letter of resignation two days ago."
"What?" Yeonjun whipped around. "Why?"
Eunji pursed her lips. "Because I'm moving back to Japan."
"Moving back to-" Ni-ki's eyes widened. "For how long?!"
"Permanently." Eunji hesitated for a moment before continuing. "I'll officially be gone on Wednesday, four days from now, but I'm flying to Japan later this evening and returning on Monday to move my stuff into my new apartment."
"No!" Ni-ki was on the brink of tears. "You can't- You can't quit! I'll be all alone!"
Heeseung sighed unhappily. Though he knew of Eunji's plans through a meeting with PD-nim earlier today, it still hurt no less hearing her break the news to Ni-ki. The boy had always struggled with being the only Japanese member in a Korean boy group. Being so isolated from his culture and past life took a toll, and even though Eunji was only half Japanese, she still provided a sense of home to him.
"Thank you, Eunji sunbaenim," Soobin whispered. "For all that you've done for us."
"Please," Eunji laughed tearfully. "We were held at gunpoint together. We're past formalities; you can all call me noona."
She crossed the room, gently touching Ni-ki's arm. "And, hey, this isn't goodbye, okay? I'll come back to visit."
"How can you say that?" Ni-ki mumbled. "This is a goodbye. You're leaving. Forever."
Eunji sighed, unable to argue. She glanced at Heeseung, who nodded. "Well... I know something that'll cheer you up."
"What?" Ni-ki asked miserably.
She produced two plane tickets to Japan from her purse. "You're coming back with me."
***
"Ni-ki, are you ready?" Heeseung called. "Eunji noona's here."
Ni-ki nodded excitedly, holding up a plastic container filled with fish-shaped bread. "Jake hyung helped me make bungeoppang for the trip. My mom is going to go nuts! Last time I saw her, I wasn't even old enough to work a stove."
"That's great, Ni-ki," Heeseung laughed, turning to face the rest of their members. "Alright, guys, let's move; the taxis are waiting. I'll see you all Monday evening."
"Except me!" Daniel chirped. "I'll see you Monday morning!"
"Yep," Heeseung chuckled, patting the younger boy's head. "We'll see each other a bit early."
Soobin suddenly pulled Ni-ki into a hug.
"Goodbye, Ni-ki," he said tearfully. "Safe flight, okay? And text us when you land."
"Hyung, I'm only going to be gone for two days," Ni-ki groaned. "Just like everybody else. Only difference is I'm traveling a bit farther."
"Yeah, Soob," Yeonjun sighed, tugging at Soobin's arm. "We talked about this in the hospital. He's not your baby! Let him go!"
Heeseung snorted, watching Yeonjun and Jay pry Ni-ki out of Soobin's grasp. "Alright, guys. It's time to head out."
He made his way outside, chaos ensuing as twelve boys with over-packed bags tried to follow simultaneously. After a brief argument over who was stepping on whose foot, they all looked back at the empty dorm.
"See you soon, home." Jay patted the doorframe. "You stay in good shape, alright?"
"Jay, stop talking to the walls." Sunghoon turned around, lugging his bag towards the rundown parking lot of their building.
Heeseung laughed before turning the lights off.
***
"Hyung!" Daniel threw his suitcase into the back of the van before fastening his seatbelt. "You passed your driver's test!"
"Hey," Heeseung laughed, patting the top of Daniel's head. "Yeah, I passed."
"Did Beomgyu hyung pass too?" Daniel beamed.
"Uh..."
"Oh no."
"It's not his fault," Heeseung insisted. "Like, who even lets someone who just got out of a coma get behind a wheel anyway?"
Daniel snorted. "What happened? Why'd he fail?"
Heeseung mumbled something.
The younger boy frowned. "What?"
"I said he, uh, he hit the driving instructor."
"He-" Daniel doubled over, bursting into laughter. "Oh my god."
"Lightly! Lightly! It was barely a tap!" Heeseung tried to stop himself from smiling. "Don't tease him, okay? He already feels bad about it."
"I won't," Daniel giggled. "I just think it's funny that Beomgyu hyung finally broke all of Yeonjun hyung's golden rules."
"Golden rules?" Heeseung questioned.
"Yeah. Don't talk to strangers, don't touch anything that's not yours, don't take anything that's not yours, don't get hit by a car, don't hit anybody with a car, and don't call or text unless someone's dying."
"Huh." Heeseung tilted his head thoughtfully. "I guess he did."
Daniel grinned, slumping in his seat. "Well, I guess Taehyun hyung won't be rewarding Beomgyu hyung anymore."
Heeseung whipped around. "What?"
Daniel shrugged. "I overheard them whispering in bed a few days ago. Taehyun hyung said if Beomgyu hyung passed his driver's test, he'd reward him. With sex. He was joking, I think."
"Daniel, you shouldn't-!" Heeseung blushed, covering his mouth in disbelief. "You shouldn't know about those kinds of things!"
Daniel rolled his eyes. "Hyung, how old am I?"
"Fifteen."
"Hyung, when you were fifteen, did you know about sex?"
"Yes, but-"
"Hyung, I am a fifteen-year-old boy surrounded by couples. I know things. I hear things."
Heeseung had never felt more ashamed in his life. "I am so sorry."
"Oh, don't worry. You and Sunghoon hyung are actually pretty good about keeping in on the down low. You're touchy, but not inappropriately touchy. Taehyun hyung and Beomgyu hyung on the other hand... Well, I've caught them-"
"Oh god, please stop," Heeseung groaned. "I don't want to know."
Daniel quietly giggled. "You nervous? About... You know."
"A bit, I guess."
"At least it's a long drive."
"Yeah," Heeseung breathed.
Neither of them spoke again as Heeseung put the van into gear.
***
Daniel scanned the row of photos, his fingers tracing the edge of the polished wooden cabinet they rested on. He stopped at the last frame, staring at a glossy picture of a young boy with black hair and bright eyes: a mirror reflection of himself.
"This is Jungmin?" He whispered.
"Yes," the man behind him replied quietly. "You two really do look alike."
Daniel glanced down, self-conscious. "I'm sorry for your loss, Mr. Choi."
"Don't be sorry," Jungmin's father whispered. "It's nice seeing his smile again."
He shook his head, clearing his throat abruptly. "Sorry. Sorry, that was a weird thing to say."
"It's alright," Daniel breathed.
Heeseung slowly exhaled as they followed Mr. Choi into the kitchen of Jungmin's childhood home. They sat around the breakfast table, sipping tea in silence. Finally, Heeseung opened his mouth.
Mr. Choi cut him off before he could speak. "You're here for one question, I know."
Daniel nodded, his face solemn, but Heeseung could tell the boy was bursting with curiosity.
"Who was Choi Jungmin?" Daniel quietly asked.
Mr. Choi took a deep breath. "He was a student. A trainee. A friend. But most importantly, he was my son."
He smiled tearily. "Since he was a child, Jungmin loved to sing and dance. He was over the moon when he passed his YG audition."
There was a brief pause as Mr. Choi collected himself, hiding his moment of weakness by taking a sip of tea.
"Jungmin transferred to a high school in Seoul to become a trainee. Spring break of his senior year, his debut was confirmed, and he came back home with a few friends to tell us the news in person."
His voice tightened. "They went down to the north side of the boardwalk beach, a popular spot for surfing. It's now closed. It took my son dying for them to realize it wasn't safe."
Mr. Choi pursed his lips. "Losing a child... It changes you. My wife wasn't the same person anymore, and neither was I. Three weeks after Jungmin's death, she filed for divorce. I thought- I thought maybe her bipolar meds needed adjustment, but she assured me she was fine. The next morning, she was gone. Left a note saying our marriage died long before Jungmin did."
He stared off into space. "I didn't know where she was or what she was doing until you two reached out."
Daniel leaned forward, frowning. "Wait, I'm sorry, did you say she's bipolar?"
Mr. Choi nodded. "Yes. She was diagnosed twelve years ago, but we kept it under wraps because, well, you know. It'd be extremely difficult for her to get a job or do anything, really. South Korea can be very cruel when it comes to mental health."
"I..." Daniel was at a loss for words. "We didn't know. The police didn't know."
Just then, the front door swung open, and a little girl with a backpack nearly the size of her came rushing in. "Papa! I helped Mama with grocery shopping!"
Mr. Choi laughed, wiping his tears before picking the little girl up. "That's wonderful, honey. How was school?"
The sound of a car door shutting in the distance had Heeseung and Daniel both rising to their feet.
The older man turned towards them apologetically. "Maybe it's time you two get going. My eldest daughter will be home soon; she's a big fan. She'll recognize you immediately."
Heeseung politely smiled, bowing his head. "Yes. Thank you for meeting with us. Come on, Daniel."
***
"You are not Jungmin."
"I am not."
Confusion flickered on the tired woman's face before being replaced by relief. She sat on the floor, huddled against a wall while hugging her knees. Heeseung watched as Daniel crouched in front of the glass barrier that separated them from the sasaeng.
They were at a psychiatric ward just an hour outside of Busan. The police had decided to send BTS's driver as far from Seoul as possible, fearing that the disgruntled public would follow through on their death threats before she could be brought to trial. Daniel had insisted they stop by after their talk with Jungmin's father.
"Mrs. Choi..." Daniel whispered. "I'm really sorry for your loss."
The woman shook her head. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're not Jungmin."
Daniel nodded, speaking gently to the older woman. "Then why did you... Why did you do what you did?"
The woman stared at the ground, still hugging her knees. "Three years ago, I caught my husband cheating on me. He'd been in love with one of his childhood friends for as long as I could remember. She finally reciprocated. From that day on, Jungmin was all I had."
She closed her eyes. "After I lost Jungmin, I knew I had to do whatever I could to get him back. To get my family back. I... I don't know what happened after that. I'm sorry."
Daniel slowly nodded, standing up and turning towards the exit. "Thank you for speaking with us."
"Daniel."
He stopped.
"Have- Have this." The woman bowed her head as slipped a singular rose through an air hole of the glass barrier. "Please."
The boy dryly swallowed before taking the flower. "Thank you."
He followed Heeseung out the double doors, waiting until they swung shut to whisper, "She seems... different."
"That's because she's bipolar." The nurse glanced at Daniel. "We found it deep in her medical records. She was in a manic state when she kidnapped you and Jin-ssi. She's just now coming out of it."
"A manic state?"
The nurse nodded. "Also sometimes referred to as a manic episode."
Heeseung sharply inhaled.
~
"What's a manic episode?" Ni-ki asked.
"It's a period of time when someone has an elevated mood and excessive energy," Jay answered thoughtfully. "When someone's in a manic state, they act weird, like they're super happy for no reason. They get really mad really fast. And when they talk to you, it's like something's off, but you can't quite tell what. At least, that's what it was like for me. I was pretty young, so I don't know how accurately I remember it."
~
"A manic episode," Daniel echoed. "So it wasn't her fault."
"Daniel..." Heeseung pursed his lips, recalling the rest of their conversation.
~
"Jay, who'd you know that was bipolar?"
"Back in America; one of my friend's parents. I went to his house pretty often for like, sleepovers and stuff. One time, his dad came into the room in the middle of the night and asked us if we wanted to see a movie. We said yes, and he drove us all the way from Seattle to LA. That's a seventeen-hour drive, by the way."
Jay took a sip from his glass of water.
"Anyways, the cops found us there and took us home. I didn't find out until later that his dad was having a manic episode and that he basically kidnapped us." Jay smiled to himself. "Apparently, my parents and my friend's mom were freaking out. They had no idea where we were for like, three days."
"That sounds terrifying," Sunoo breathed. "Were you scared?"
Jay shrugged. "Nah, his dad didn't mean any harm. Plus, my friend and I were having the time of our lives in Hollywood."
He patted Sunoo's arm. "A majority of bipolar people don't mean to cause trouble. They can't control themselves and think things through during manic episodes. It's not their fault."
~
Heeseung sighed, resting his hand on Daniel's shoulder. He knew what the younger boy was thinking. "Daniel, you have to remember that she's dangerous. To herself and the people around her."
"No." Daniel shrugged him off. "It wasn't her fault. The news, the media. They keep saying that she's crazy, that she's a psychopath. But it's not true."
Heeseung shifted uncomfortably. "Even then, it doesn't change the fact that she kidnapped you and nearly killed half of your bandmates to do it. She shot Soobin hyung. If he hadn't been wearing a bulletproof vest, he could've died. And Jihun hyung almost did die."
"I know, but it's just-" Daniel stared into the distance. "It didn't have to happen like this. If she had the opportunity to get help before it escalated into something this big, then maybe so many people wouldn't have had to get hurt."
"Daniel-"
"No! It's so stupid. Anything that can't be seen, people act as if it doesn't exist. They don't talk about mental health like it's taboo."
He glanced around, upset.
"We have to hide Beomgyu hyung's ADHD because if the public ever found out, any chance of him having a solo career would be ruined. They'd call him a drug addict for taking his meds, and don't even say that's not true because it is! It happened to Bom sunbaenim from 2NE1. I don't want it to happen to Beomgyu hyung."
Heeseung exhaled slowly, looking down. "You're right. It is true, Daniel. We live in a society where we're always going to have to hide a little part of who we are."
"But why? It's not fair."
"Yeah. It isn't fair; I agree."
"Then why aren't you doing anything about it? Why doesn't anybody say anything?" Daniel shook his head, angry tears welling in his eyes. "Why are you all so okay with this?"
"Honestly?" Heeseung bit his lip apprehensively. "Because I'm selfish."
He turned away, staring at the ground. "I'm gay, Daniel. I can't risk outing myself, or Sunghoon. And... And people already seem to hate me a lot. I don't want to do anything that'll hurt the reputation of our group."
Daniel's hands balled into fists. "The things they say about you online aren't true, you know."
"Yeah, I know, it's just-" Heeseung stared off into space. "It's hard to ignore when it's all you see."
Daniel quietly scoffed. "If it's all you see, then open your eyes a little more, hyung."
He shouldered his way past the older boy.
***
Heeseung was fortunate enough to say that he'd never really been to a graveyard before.
He couldn't begin to imagine what it'd be like, knowing that a loved one was laying just a mere six feet below, with only a polished stone to mark their final resting place. He briefly glanced to his side at Daniel, who held the sasaeng's rose limply with one hand. They both stared at the tombstone engraved with Jungmin's name.
It was strange knowing that Jungmin had been alive at some point. That he had been a living, breathing human being with friends and family. He could've loved someone the way Heeseung loved Sunghoon. He might've hated having a crust on his sandwiches, or insisted on always cutting the bread diagonally. Heeseung would never know, and maybe that was for the best.
Now all that was left of Choi Jungmin was a rock and a patch of grass.
It was frightening how fleeting life was. Heeseung would hold his loved ones a little closer tonight. He watched Daniel place the rose at the foot of the tombstone.
"Your mom is proud of you," the younger boy murmured.
They stood at Jungmin's grave for another minute before Daniel spun around and walked away. Heeseung followed without question.
***
The first half of the ride home was silent.
All Heeseung could think about was how unfair life was. Daniel was still a kid. He shouldn't be worrying about social injustice or feeling guilty for sharing a face with a dead man. He should be doing stupid, reckless teenager things, like staying out past midnight and ding-dong-ditching crabby old neighbors.
The road in front of them was empty; there wasn't a soul in sight. Heeseung knew what he was about to do was foolish, but it was also necessary. Right now, Daniel needed a carefree moment. Heeseung understood that. He flipped on the radio and lightly pressed the accelerator, picking up speed as the sun began to dip in the sky.
Daniel glanced over at him, but Heeseung kept his eyes on the road. They went faster and faster, flying down the highway with the radio blasting. Daniel stuck his hand out the window. He threw his head back, loosely shutting his eyes as a smile spread across his face.
"Nice, right?" Heeseung quietly said.
"Yeah."
And with the wind in his hair and his hand in the sky, Daniel let out a laugh.
***
The mud tracks leading up to their home and the slightly displaced welcome mat had Heeseung and Daniel arming themselves with their backpacks as they approached the front door of their dorm. Heeseung nudged the slab of wood open with his foot, fully prepared to bludgeon a burglar with his bag.
Instead, he found Jay, who turned to look at them as Heeseung flicked the light switch.
"Jay hyung?" Daniel whispered, his arms dropping to his sides. "Why didn't you go home?"
"I did." Jay shoved a spoonful of honey into his mouth. "My dad and I are no longer on speaking terms."
"What?" Heeseung crossed the room, taking a seat on the couch beside the younger boy. "Why? What happened?'
"I came out. He told me to leave." Jay shut his laptop, humorously scoffing, "I guess dear ol' daddy didn't want a gay son."
"You told your parents about Jungwon?" Daniel quietly asked, sitting down on Jay's other side.
Jay silently nodded.
Heeseung sighed, touching the younger boy's elbow. "I'm so sorry, Jay. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, no, I'm fine." Jay stared at the floor, his jar of honey resting in his lap. "I had a feeling it was coming."
"Does Jungwon know?" Daniel whispered.
"No. He's... He's been a bit distant lately. I think he's going to break up with me."
Heeseung pursed his lips. "Jay, do you need to cry?"
Jay groaned, rubbing his face. "A bit, yeah."
They sat beside him as the boy wept in silence.