Chapter Six: Forbidden
Houston, Texas
May 10
Onika Tanya Maraj
"Pissing me the fuck off," I fell back into my desk chair as Noir shut the door, "It's been a week since we started arguing and every day has been the same shit. One minute she wants to argue and the next she wants to be all cuddled up. It's not fair nor is it cute."
Noir sat on my couch and kicked her feet up. She had lost her goddamn mind. When she saw the look on my face, she took them down.
"I just think her transition is hard. She was in there for ten years. You don't really know what that's like. Especially if she was fighting and ended up in solitary confinement, seg, iso, whatever the hell they call it."
"I've tried to make this as easy as possible for her. The way she talks to me and about me, you'd think I left her for dead."
"To you?"
I sighed, "I mean you know she's always been blunt, but it's like now she's hurting my feelings. She's overthinking and not only does that hurt her, but it hurts us as a whole."
"Did you tell her?"
"Doesn't matter. She'll say I'm disregarding her feelings when I'm just trying to explain mine."
"This doesn't sound like my conversation to be had."
"Noir... please don't make me feel crazy for this. I'd talk to her but you know how that's gonna end. Can't talk to Ebony and Nadine anymore 'cause they just run back to her."
"Well they're her best friends and she's out now."
"Exactly, that's why I'm talking to you."
"You want my full and honest opinion?" She asked and got comfortable on the couch.
I shifted, wondered if I actually wanted that, or if I just needed to vent.
Beyoncé was absolutely killing me. She was so flip-floppy. One night we were arguing until the sun came up, shouting at each other and the next night we were apologizing and cuddling, wanting to be so close that I was in her skin. When nights were good, they were good, but when nights got bad, I was afraid that she'd turn into someone I didn't want to see.
I was used to the sweeter parts of Beyoncé. Was used to flowers and kisses and affirmation. Now it was just screaming and yelling and faking for the kids. I wanted my Beyoncé back. Wanted to go home and feel the love the way I used to.
It seemed like it all had changed. Nothing was the same. Not even the sex. I remembered our first time like it was yesterday, would always remember it. She made me feel so beautiful. She took her time with me, didn't rush to get inside me. She made love to me that night, I was sure of it, and made me feel it the next morning.
Now she either won't touch me or she was leaving marks on me like she'd been wanting to hurt me outside of the bedroom. Probably did.
I told Noir, "Yeah, go ahead."
"You should be honest, save your relationship before you've wasted ten years of your life. You guys don't have a bad relationship, it's beautiful really. I don't know if I'd be able to do what you guys have been strong enough to do. Don't waste that."
"I was honest. I keep being honest, but she won't fucking listen to me. She keeps accusing me, making me feel like I did something, keeps trying to say we slept together. I keep telling her no, I keep telling her I've kept my legs closed this entire time, but she won't listen. She doesn't trust me and what is a relationship without trust?"
I looked away from her, tears welling up in my eyes. I loved Beyoncé so damn much I just wanted to hold onto her and make her feel okay, make her forget or at least minimize that time she'd spent in there. But all we did was argue. I couldn't get my point across with her, and our anger was so much bigger than us.
"Well when she thought you were sleeping with Eric what did you do?"
"It's different now. I'm not getting on my damn knees to apologize for some shit I didn't do. We didn't sleep together, but she doesn't believe me."
Noir went quiet, and I did too.
"What all does she know about me?"
"That you were a teacher."
"That's all?"
"Yes."
"Did you tell her—"
"No."
"Why? Her friends saw, and if you don't tell her, they will."
I sighed. I knew Ebony and Nadine didn't actually want to keep a secret from Beyonce, but they were doing it for me. Still, no matter how much time we spent together, their loyalty would always lie with Beyonce. They were closer than blood. I just didn't want to lose her over something so trivial. At the same time, I didn't want to lose a good friendship either. So I was pushing the envelope a bit. At least until we stopped arguing all the time.
Noir was staring me down. She was a lot more practical than me, always told me the truth instead of what I wanted to hear.
"Why didn't you tell her Nic?"
I shrugged.
"You know."
"Noir I don't wanna get into this right now."
"You just wanna get into her wrongs, not yours, right?"
I cut my eyes at her, "You wanna get out?"
She stood up and came over. I watched her the entire way until she kissed me on my head like I was one of her students. "Tell her boo. She's never going to trust you if she hears that from somebody else."
As soon as she left, I sunk down in my chair. I was in a losing position and I didn't like to lose.
Houston, Texas
May 10
Nadine Bijoux
"Mama I—"
"NO. You went and you had a child that I knew nothing of until you JUST called me and have been hiding from me for ten years. Now you wanna call because she wants to meet us? Do you know how low that is Nadine? I bet my life that Beyoncé's mother has already met her."
I watched my daughter do her homework with Ebony on her side. She looked up at me and smiled.
If it weren't for her, this phone call would never have been made. If it weren't for that beautiful smile, I would have ended this phone call right after that jealous sentence.
She'd always been that way, but she couldn't blame another woman for taking care of a child that she didn't want. Her inability to be a mother to me yet the best to my twin brothers pushed me into another mother's arms, and she couldn't blame me for that.
"I don't wanna talk about that. I just want you to meet her because she wants to meet you."
"Who's her father?" She asked, jabbing me in my heart.
I cleared my throat and answered, "My husband."
"Your husband?"
"Yes."
Ebony stared too, waited for me to acknowledge her as a part of me. But I wouldn't, and she knew that. I wasn't ready yet.
"So let me get this right. You went and you got married and had a baby without even so much as a telephone call?"
"I had Kiyomi first then got married, but yes."
"Kiyomi. What kind of damn name is that? You are from Georgia, you don't name no child like she's Asian."
"That's racist, and she is. You'll see that when you see her."
"That damn daddy of hers Asian?"
"My husband is part, so yes."
She huffed, "That ain't right."
"Dammit Mama. Why you wanna do this? Do you wanna meet her? Because she wants to meet you. That's why I'm calling you. All this other conversation is pointless."
"You move up, get you some high class living and suddenly your child that don't know me has to tell you to call us."
"You don't know how I'm living."
"Bring the child. Maybe she'll actually learn something about her mama 'cause I know you're hiding your roots from her."
"Bye Mama."
I ended the call before she could say any more mean things. That's not who I was, and she was bringing me down with her.
I lowered my head, reminded myself that this was all for Kiyomi. She could go all around the world to meet new people who knew about themselves, but I'd been hiding myself from her and that's not fait. She knew every grandparent she had, but mine. Had even went to Sudan for business with Ebony and Cameron and met Ebony's large family.
My mom was right. I had been hiding from my daughter, but I had good reason. Damn good reason.
I didn't want my daughter to be exposed to anything she wasn't ready for. Kiyomi was smart and open minded and more cultured than I ever was at her age. She was the better version of all three of us. I wouldn't want her to go to Senoia and come back feeling like all she'd picked up was ignorance.
I wanted them to be better for her, but how could I expect them to be better for her when they couldn't even be better for themselves?
Ebony told our daughter that she'd be right back then walked down the three steps into the living room with me. She sat in her chair next to me, Cameron's between us. I moved, sat in his chair and took her hand. She held on for a minute before she took it away.
"First Cameron and now you. Should I have just went home a decade ago?"
"I don't even wanna go back there Ebony, and I can only take so much disappointment from that woman."
"What about the disappointment from your wife? Does that disappointment matter?"
"Are you disappointed in me?"
She nodded her head, "You told her about everybody but me yet I'm the only one she knows."
"It's not about you specifically Ebony. It's our situation. To her, it's not normal."
"But to us, it is. She doesn't go to bed with you every night, I do. This is our normalcy, and it's not like she's ever really accepted you as her daughter in the first place. We were both under Mama Tina's roof for one reason or another, yours being your mother, and you wanna protect what she feels?"
"I don't wanna have this fight."
"Tell her about me and my disappointment disappears. I don't like to be hidden, don't like that I feel like you're ashamed of me. I've loved you like this for ten years, been married to you for five, and you won't even tell your mother, who you barely ever speak to about me."
"Please don't do this to me. You know it's hard between us. You know we don't speak."
"So there should be no problem with you telling her about me. Don't hide me, because Kiyomi damn sure won't. Your mother's going to know about me one way or another. You're turning into Onika and I don't like that one bit."
"Don't compare me to her. Our situations are worlds apart."
"Are they? The only difference is, you're not lying to me, you're lying to your mother."
"I haven't lied to anybody."
"What is it that Bey says? Omitting is withholding and withholding is lying."