Tris' POV
I wake up to Tori gently shaking my shoulders. "Bea…it's time to get up. You've been sleeping for the past 2 hours," she says. Have I really been sleeping for two hours? Huh. Well I was pretty tired I guess. "C'mon Bea, I have dinner ready. You have to eat at least a little bit of it. Ok?" she tells me. I know I have no room to argue, so I just nod. "Ok. Come down once you're ready," she says and walks out of my room.
I get out of bed and find that my legs feel like jello. I must have slept on them wrong. I sit down and stretch them out and then get back up. They feel normal once again.
I throw on a pair of sweats and slippers, but I keep the t-shirt on. I just feel like being lazy tonight. I go downstairs and see sandwiches sitting on plates, along with peaches and fruit salad. I sit down in front of one of the plates and look at Tori to figure out how much I have to eat before I can be excused. "Three bites of sandwich, four peach slices, and a couple of bites of fruit salad," she says without looking up from her food.
I start eating, but it is silent all the way through the meal. Usually Tori will ask me a bunch of questions. No, not usually…she always asks me questions and tells me things that I probably don't even care about, but pretend to for her sake. Something must be bothering Tori.
When I am finished I look over at Tori. She is still looking down at her food. I frown and think about what possibly could've happened to make her so upset that she won't even talk to me. Or eat for that matter. Her food remains almost untouched, which is very odd for Tori. She almost always eats all of her food, then gets seconds, which she also eats.
I stop looking at her food and look at her face. Then I see a little silver droplet run down her cheek. And it wasn't the first. I know they are tears, but I don't know why she is crying. I haven't seen her cry since I was in the hospital.
I get up and squeeze Tori's shoulders lightly, trying to get her to talk to me. But once I do that, Tori drops her head into her hands and starts to sob. This takes me by surprise and I quickly move in front of her, drop to my knees, and hug Tori. She takes her head out of her hands and hugs me back still sobbing.
Seeing Tori so upset really upsets me too. I feel a tear slip out of my eye too and bite my lip to keep from sobbing. I don't know what made her so upset, but it takes a lot to make her cry.
A couple of minutes after I started crying too, Tori's sobs start to subside. I still have tears streaming down my face, but I have managed to keep my sobs inside. Tori sees this and gives me a small smile. She wipes her tears away with the backs of her hands. "Don't worry about me Bea. I'll be fine," she says. I raise my eyebrows at her, urging her to tell me what was going on.
She sighs and looks at me. "Do you want to know the truth?" Why would she even ask me that? Of course I want to know the truth! I nod. She takes a deep breath, then she starts. "Listen Bea. I am just worried about you. I knew that you would never be the same after the accident, but I never knew it would be this bad. Especially after a year, almost 2. I mean, I'm not saying it's bad, it's just upsetting for me sometimes. I know that I would probably act the same as you, maybe even worse if I was in your exact place. But I am just afraid that I will lose you. That I'll wake up someday and be alone. You're the only thing that I have left. I don't know what I would do if I lost you. I lost Natalie, Andrew, and Caleb. I almost lost you. I almost lost the last thing that had any meaning in my life. And that killed me. That's why I make you eat as much as I do, even if it's a stretch for you. I just don't want you to do anything that would make you leave me. I'm scared that you will someday. Especially since you've already tried." At this point Tori sucks in a sudden intake of breath and lets it out very slowly. I look down. I'm not proud of what I did that day. I wish I hadn't even started to try. Then Tori wouldn't feel like this right now. I shouldn't have tried to overdose. I'm pulled out of my thoughts when Tori continues.
"I guess my point is that I just don't want to lose you. If I did, well…I don't know what I would do. But it wouldn't be good. So Beatrice, please, please, please, don't leave me. Can you promise me that?" she asks. Out of all the promises that I have been asked to make, I think this promise is actually one I can keep. I know this is a promise I can keep. I still feel guilty about making Tori feel like this though. I shouldn't have done any of that stuff. Ever.
So, with tears still steadily streaming down my face, I quickly nod and throw my arms around Tori. She mumbles, "Thank you Bea. Thank you."
After dinner, I washed the dishes, put everything away, and cleaned off the table. While I was doing that, Tori had gone upstairs and went to bed, who said and I quote, "Today made me really tired. I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight Bea." I, however, was not tired at all. My nap really got me most of my sleep back.
I still feel guilty for making Tori sob like that. I know I shouldn't because it happened about a year ago, but I still can't shake the feeling of guilt and sadness. A couple more tears stream down my face, much to my dismay.I angrily swipe at them and head to the hallway with the panel. This way I can get some peace and quiet and I can actually think.
Even if Four is in there, I know I can still think because he respects that. He's not like Uriah or Christina. He knows when I need to think and when I don't want to talk right then. The other two however, will talk whenever they feel the need. I'm not saying that's bad, but it just isn't the most, what's the word….convenient sometimes.
By the time my thoughts are over, I am at the bottom door. I open it quietly in case Four is there. When it's opened I see that I am the only one down here…for now at least.
I make my way over to the bean bags and plop myself down on one. When I finally am comfortable, I start thinking again. Knowing that I am alone, I let all of my thoughts fly into my mind at once. It may not end up well, but I need to get some of these subjects out of my mind for a little while. It needs to be done sooner or later, so why not sooner?
The first subject that comes to mind is Hailey and Taylor. I don't usually let myself dwell on them, but after checking one more time to make sure that I wouldn't be interrupted, I decide to get them out of my system part way.
I can't believe I used to call them my "Besties". Looking back at it now just makes me hate myself even more. I should've went to go find some other friends when I knew that we all didn't have the same click between us as before. It would've saved some heartbreak in the end.
After the accident, I figured that I would at least have my "friends" to go to. I was wrong. When I finally decided to go to school, I should've known not to engage with anyone. No one had come over to see how I was doing, even though I knew that it had been all over the news, no one had called or texted me, even though I was one of the most popular girls in school at the time, and Hailey and Taylor didn't even try to come see me, even though we were all supposed to be "Besties". I should've known right then and there that something was wrong.
When I pulled myself together and went to school, the first thing that happened was silence. Everyone looked at me and all conversations drifted off until they no longer existed.
Flashback
I hurriedly put my head down and hurry into school, searching for Hailey and Taylor. As I walk down the hallway, I get pitiful looks but I also get malicious ones. I hate both of those things so I start to run through the crowds, hoping now more than ever to find them.
I finally find them at the end of the hallway, next to another girl's locker. It didn't bother me at all that they were laughing and seeming to have more fun than what I've had with them in years.
I go over and they all stop laughing and talking and just stare at me. After a couple of minutes of this, I start to feel uncomfortable and start to walk away. Suddenly, Hailey starts to snigger. "Where do you think you're going b****? Are you running away, AGAIN? Don't think we don't know what happened to you. You deserved it. You always were a stupid little w**** We never wanted you as a friend, now more than ever. We just felt bad for you," Hailey says. I feel tears sting my eyes and even feel one slip out. Whatever I was expecting, it definitely wasn't this. I blink several times, hoping that this is just a dream and that when I see Hailey and Taylor they'll embrace me and tell me everything is going to be alright. "What's wrong? Are you going to cry? Awww...that's too bad. Why don't you go and cry to your mommy? Oh wait! That's right! You don't have one," Taylor says. By now a laughing crowd has gathered.
I look around and see only a few people who are looking like they want to help. But then they back away very slowly. I don't blame them. How do you help when practically the whole school is on the populars side, when one wrong move could end up with you being pushed around as well?
"Get away! We don't want you see your ugly face again! We never wanted you be your friends! We should've left you ASAP! I realize our mistake now! We should've kicked you to the dirt sooner! We don't want to be friends with a b**** and an attention-seeking w**** anymore!" Hailey and Taylor both say, adding on to it when the other stopped. By now it's a miracle that I have been holding in my sobs.
I start to push my way through the crowd. When I'm getting towards the end, someone leans in and whispers in my ear. "And just so you know, it was your fault that they died. You deserve it." I look up at the person who said it and surprise surprise, it was Eric. I know this comment shouldn't upset me, especially since it's from Eric, but I've dealt with so much lately that I start to release my sobs. He starts laughing maniacally. I run frantically now, trying to reach the end so I can get away from here.
Once I get away from everyone, I run out the front door, not caring anymore about who sees me. I sprint all the way home, the sound of his laugh haunting me.
End of Flashback
That continued everyday. Except it got worse. People started to hit me, kick me, slap me, anything they could do that would hurt me. Eric was the worst though. He would get a crowd and then pull me by the hair and throw me against the wall. At least that's how it started every time. Then he did whatever he could do. I did resist for the first week or two. But I soon learned that it was useless to fight back and just let them hurt me. I deserved it anyways. Eric was right. It was my fault they died.
I let a few tears slip out. I subconsciously slip my fingers under my shirt and run them across the scar that Eric gave me a few years ago. Even after all that I've been through I still don't think I've received as much punishment as I should have. That's another reason why I cut. At least that's what I tell myself. The truth is...well I don't know. I just feel like I need to.
I start to think about how different it would be if my family was still alive. Especially Mom. I miss her so much. If she was alive, I wouldn't have gotten bullied, I might have been able to fix things between Hailey, Taylor, and I, I wouldn't have started cutting, I would still be Beatrice, and I would've stayed in Ohio. But I also wouldn't have met Four, Christina, Uriah, Shauna, Marlene, Zeke, or Will. I wish I could combine my two lives. That would be a perfect life. But of course the world doesn't work like that for me. I have to live with one life. And of course, it's the life that's GREAT! Note the sarcasm. Instead I have to live with the life where I have no more family because of me, got raped, and was beaten. Wonderful.
I let my tears run out of my eyes as I actually realize everything that has happened in such a short time span. First, I got raped. That was when I got my first scar. Then exactly a year later, my family all died. And it was my fault. There came some other scars. About a month after that was when I lost Hailey and Taylor. Everyday after that for about 6 months I was hit, kicked, cut, scratched, punched, thrown, etc. There were some more scars there. Then I started to cut. Countless scars there. I tried to overdose. There's some mental scars there. Well, mental scars for everything actually. Eric did most of it though. He was the one who raped me and gave me a big scar, both mentally and physically. He was was the first to say that it was my fault my family is dead. He was the one who beat me up most. He was there for everything. But in the worst way.
My thoughts suddenly screech to a stop as I remember something that I forgot about a year ago. On the last day of school, the year before I was going to take online school, he told me something. I don't know how he knew that I wasn't going to be at school the next year, but word got around apparently. As I was emptying my locker after school he came up to me. He took my hair and forced my head to lean back and he slammed my head against my locker door. I figured it was just gonna be his daily beating, but instead he whispered something in my ear. Just thinking about it makes my heart pound faster and makes the color drain from my face. He whispered something that I will never forget again. "I will find you Bea. Even if you leave this town, I will find you and when I do, you better hope that God is on your side." I haven't thought about it until now, and I know that he was serious. That's what makes me so scared.
To this day I am still afraid of him. He did the worst things to me and I'm not about to forget them. He will find me. I know he will. And just thinking about what he would do to me makes me start to tremble. my palms start to sweat and I start trying to convince myself that he wouldn't find me. I mean, I moved to a huge city. He didn't be able to find me in Chicago. But none of these thoughts help. In fact, they make it worse. I am shaking from head to toe, sweating, crying, and I know I'm pale. I probably look horrible. Even worse than I usually do, and that's saying something.
I hear thumping coming from Four's door and I hurriedly try to wipe my tears away. I grab a fist full of beanbag and try to stop my hands from shaking. It works for my hands but not the rest of my body. I tense up and it only helps a little. I close my eyes and will for the color to return to my face. It doesn't work. Not with my thoughts it doesn't. I stopped my older tests away, but new ones are still leaking out.
I don't know what's worse. Having Four see me in an emotional, frozen state like this, or having him see my angry rampage from last night. I honestly don't know. But what I do know is that he's going to see me in both of those ways because there is no way he's not going to see me like this. I can't stop it now. As I admit that I can't stop it the sentence starts to drift through my mind again. But only separate parts of it come.
"I will find you."
"Even if you move to a different town, I will find you."
I clutch my head as if I had a bad headache, willing for his voice to get out of my head.
"When I do, you better hope that God is on your side."
"It's your fault they died."
"You deserve it."
"Tris?" Wait, what? That wasn't in his sentence...Four! He's already down here! He must not have as many steps to get here as I do. Then his voice starts making its way into my head again.
"You said you loved me. Now prove it."
"You can't take it back."
"Wanna get out of here?"
I shut my eyes and try to listen for Four's voice again. His voice pushed out Eric's when he was talking. As I frantically listen for his voice, or anything really that could drown out Eric's, I hear him say something. "Tris, are you ok!?" Eric's voice is fading. And all I can think is, "Please keep talking. Please keep talking." Lucky for me, he talks again. And this time I can actually understand what he's saying with Eric's voice fading. "Tris, are you ok?! Please answer me!?" Eric's voice is now completely gone. It's very faint anyways. I open my eyes to find him standing right in front of me, looking worried.
I stay still for a minute, trying to figure out how bad I now look. I look down and see myself trembling once again. I feel wet streaks on my face and can still feel tears dripping down my face. I know I have no color in my face because I couldn't help that even before Eric entered my head. So I finally come to the conclusion that I look terrible. Great.
I continue to look down even though I can feel Four's stare burning into my forehead. This goes on for another minute before he says something. "Tris...are you ok?" I am not ok at all, but not wanting to seem weak, AGAIN, I nod my head yes. He sighs. "No Tris. Don't lie to me." I still am looking down. I refuse to look at him. "Now, I'm going to ask you again, and this time, tell me the truth. I'm not going to judge you," he says. Oh but only if he knew my whole past. He would judge me then, just like everybody else. More tears start to leak out. They come faster and faster and I bite my lip to keep from sobbing.
He waits for about 15 seconds, then just like he said he would, he asks me, "Tris, are you ok?" I'm surprised by the gentleness in his voice. I've heard him like this before, but somehow it seems like he is even more gentle than before. I take a minute to think about whether or not to tell him the truth. He already knows that I'm not ok. Anybody could see that I'm not okay just by looking at me. I don't want him to not trust me to give him honest answers, so for more, I'm trusting that he won't judge me and I decide to tell him.
But before I could even start to shake my head, I start to sob so loud I bet even China could hear it. I look up at Four and shake my head. He starts to lean in, but I surprise myself by being the first one to embrace the other. I think it surprised him too, because it takes him a second to hug back. I bury my head in his chest and wrap my arms around his neck. I am still shaking my head for some reason. It's like I can't stop. He starts to run his fingers through my my hair which takes me by surprise, but it is really comforting so I let him keep doing it. It's been a years since someone ever did this. When I was little my mom would always do it when she sang to me before bed. But when I got older, she only did it when I was sobbing my eyes out, like this. These memories just make me sob even harder.
Four most think he's doing something wrong because he stops. I immediately miss the comfort it brought, so when his hand starts to drop I catch it and bring it back to my hair. I can feel him lightly chuckle as he realizes that he wasn't doing anything wrong. I would be embarrassed being belief by doing this if I wasn't sobbing like an animal right now. I'll worry about the embarrassment later. He starts doing it again and I relax some more and try to focus on getting my sobs to stop.
After a few minutes my sobs subside and only a faint sniffling can be heard in its place. He still is running his fingers through my hair and has one arm wrapped around the small of my back. I can also feel his chin resting on the top of my head. This is all really comforting in a strange way. Once again, I feel like nothing can hurt me. I feel like as long as Four is with me, not even Eric would be able to get to me. It's the feeling I always have when I'm in his arms. And it feels good for a change.
Oh, Eric. I almost forgot about him. I feel tears in my eyes again and I suck in a shaky breath, not wanting to start crying again. "Hey, hey. Shhh. It's ok. It's ok. I've got you. You're ok," I hear Four say. This calms me immensely and I once again go back to normal breathing and periodic sniffling.
After a while, he releases me and only keeps his hand in my hair. I release him also and look up at him. He just died at me and says, "I knew you weren't okay! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!" while pumping his free hand in the air as a fist, like he won something really big, like an award. I just lightly chuckle and roll my eyes in return. He has a way of making you cheer up quickly when it's needed. He laughs and puts his hand down and his face turns serious again. I catch myself wondering how he can make his facial expressions change so fast. He cups the side of my face with his free hand and asks me, "But seriously Tris...are you ok? I worry about you, ya know."
I'm pretty sure I'm ok now. I mean, right now I am. I can't believe that only about 20 minutes ago I was alone, probably going crazy with my thoughts, and crying my eyes out. Now, I'm here with Four, laughing and smiling, and feeling safe and secure. Rarely ever do I feel like this. I know I like Four...and now I'm not afraid to admit it to myself. He is honest, kind, selfless, caring, handsome, brave, makes me feel safe, is always there when you need him, knows how to make you smile, knows when to talk and when to just stay silent, and many other things. And I've only known him for a couple of days! I can't even begin to imagine what other things he is. He's perfect, unlike me. I know that he would never like me back, he's too good for me. But I hope he'll always be a friend.
Wait-did Four just say he worries about me? Why would he worry? It's not like he cares about me that much. I mean, after all, he's only known me for a few days. But to me, it seems like I've known him for years. I can do things with him so easily, without giving it a second thought. But I have no idea what I am to Four. Am I like a little sister to him? Or am I just a friend? Or am I just the new girl at school that he's trying to be nice to? Or am I simply just the girl next door? Or...or maybe...could he possibly...like me back? No. He couldn't possibly...could he? No! Stop thinking that Beatrice! He won't like you back! Don't get your hopes up!
"Umm...Tris? You ok there?" I hear Four say. It immediately snaps me out of my thoughts. I realize that I've been starting into his deep blue eyes for way longer than is socially acceptable. I can feel my cheeks burn and know that I am blushing a deep crimson color. I try to look down, but am immediately pulled back up by his hand. "Tris, it's okay. I know you were lost in your thoughts. You don't have to be embarrassed." Well he's right about one thing. I was lost in my thoughts. But what he doesn't know is that my thoughts were about him. And I will continue to let him think that my thoughts were about whatever he thinks. Hopefully he doesn't know that my thoughts were about him. So I nod my head. But when I did, I swear I saw just a little flash of something like disappointment in his eyes. But I could have been mistaken. Maybe I just like him so much that my eyes are paying tricks on me and giving me signs that he likes me too? Not likely. But I'll just go with that theory for now.
"So for about the 5th time now, are you sure that you're ok?" Four asks. He is smiling now and has a little mischievous twinkle in his eyes. Wondering what he could possibly have in mind, I narrow my eyes at him with a little smile and slowly nod my head yes. He just laughs and says, "Great! Now we can have some fun!" I laugh too and wait for him to tell me what he wants to do. He smirks and says, "Close your eyes. It's a surprise." Getting suspicious now I don't close my eyes right away. He groans. "Just close them Tris!" So I do.
Quickly, I feel his fingers race to my side as he starts to tickle me. Unfortunately, I am very ticklish so I immediately start laughing. I snap my eyes open and see him laughing along. After about a minute, I scramble upright and start to run to the opposite end of the room. But he is much faster than me and I know this won't last long. Sure enough, he catches me and wraps his arms around me from behind and starts to tickle my stomach. I collapse to the floor in laughter. He keeps this up until I can finally get up again and start to run again. He catches me quicker than last time, in the same position. But instead of tickling me again, he just turns me around and lets me catch my breath.
Once I have caught my breath he smiles at me and says, "Now that was fun, don't you think?" I glare at him but can't keep back the smile trying to make its way onto my face. He laughs and says, "I thought so. Come here." He steps forward and hugs me again. I wrap my arms around his neck. Iplace my head on his chest but after a little bit, I bring his head down. Deciding to be brave, I give him a quick kiss on the cheek and put my head back on its place on his chest. In return I can feel him smile and plant a kiss on the top of my head. It feels like there are little sparks where he kissed me that are slowly spreading throughout my whole body. I feel warm and happy. Two things I haven't felt at the same time, for a long time. I smile and bury my head in his chest. He just chuckes and holds me tighter.
A few minutes later we both release each other at the exact same time. I blush lightly and we both chuckle. "I better get to bed. I have no idea what time it is, but it's most likely been an hour or two. And I have no clue how long you've been down here since you were here before me. So ya..." he trails off. "Thanks for the kiss by the way," he adds on. I can feel myself blush. Man, I'm blushing a lot! He laughs. "I just wanted to get you to blush. You look so cute when you blush!" he says, obviously teasing me. I'm not cute when I blush. I'm not cute at all, period.
I roll my eyes and shake my head. He just frowns and says, "Tris don't be so hard on yourself. You are cute, whether you believe it or not." Does he really think that I'm cute? He's sadly mistaken. I look into his eyes, searching for a sign that will prove that he's just joking, but I can't find any. So I just shrug. He sighs and shake his head. "Tris. I don't know how you think about yourself, but it's not right. You are beautiful no matter what you or anybody else says. Ok?"
His speech takes me by surprise. He really, truly, believes that I'm cute. He said that I was beautiful. I'm not beautiful. I wouldn't go that far. I wouldn't even go as far as cute. I've been told that I was ugly many times, by many different people. So I know it's not true. But I'll let him believe what he wants. I nod, just so this conversation won't keep going. It's not that I mind being told I'm cute or beautiful, in fact, it's kind of nice meeting told that. Especially by Four. It's just that I know it's not true. So I'd rather be told I'm cute and beautiful and leave the conversation before he can say he was just joking. Although I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't do that.
I look up at him again and I can tell that he knows that I don't believe him. But luckily he decides not to push the subject. Instead I see him leaning in. Wait-what? Why is he leaning in? Oh my gosh. Is he going to kiss me?! No! Surely not! So then, what is he going?
He keeps leaving in, and although I'm sure it only took a few seconds, it felt like it was in slow motion. He keeps leaning in and he finally is at my face. I widen my eyes and wait for probably a millisecond, but what feels like years, and feel him kiss my forehead. My eyes go back to normal and my shoulders relax once again. I didn't even know that they were tensed up until now. No matter how much I like Four, I don't think I am ready to kiss him after just a couple days of knowing him. Even though he's a great guy. Plus, I just was thinking about Eric a LOT earlier and I don't know if a kiss would've stirred up any flashbacks or not. So it's probably a good thing he didn't kiss me. I think?
He snaps me out of my thoughts. "Goodnight Tris. Sweet dreams." He smiles at me one last time before going over to his door and starting to go back up to his house. He left it open so I go and shut it, then I go over to my own door and walk upstairs. I am smiling all the way up, thinking about what all happened tonight. Four kissed me on the top of my head and on my forehead! Once I get up to the top I stop smiling and listen outside the door in case Tori's there. But after a few minutes of silence I conclude that she probably went to bed. I open up the panel and go up to my room.
I take a shower, put some more dye in, and go climb into bed. I drift off to sleep a few minutes later. And I may not have had actual 'sweet dreams', but I didn't have a single nightmare all night. And by now, not having a nightmare is like a dream, so to me, I did have sweet dreams. All night long. Well, for most of the night anyways.