chapter's song: fine line
I'm trapped in a glass box. And there's no way to escape. The silence in the box is deafening.
It's so loud that I'm hearing my own heartbeat instead and my breathing is too loud and disturbing for my ears.
Lifting my gaze, my breath catches in my throat when I lay eyes on my best friend.
"Violet."
My voice is loud. So loud, that I wince from it and groan softly.
But Vi doesn't hear me and walks over to a table, where Caleb stands. I see white powder lying on the table, in thin lines.
And Violet goes up to them, seeming tired. Her skin is pale and her lips are turning blue, as are her hands.
She doesn't look alive anymore.
And she's going to the table, where she bends down. "No!" I shout and hit the glass in front of me.
"Caleb! Do something!" I yell, but he doesn't. He remains unmoving, and so does Nick standing in the corner.
"She'll kill herself!" I scream and throw myself at the glass, desperate to break it. "Help her!"
But my screams are heard by only me and the little space I'm in. And no one does anything.
I wake up with a pounding heart, gasping for air. I'm disoriented and anxious.
"Hey," a soft voice comes from beside me, and I notice the embrace I'm in. "You're alright, baby," Ares promises, "I'm right here. You're okay."
"I'm not okay," I bring out and feel this sudden sense of anger consume me. "I'm not okay. Violet wasn't okay," I breathe and get out of bed, careful not to disturb the sleeping Milo at the corner of the bed.
"Elena, talk to me, baby," Ares pleads and comes to stand beside me.
"They knew," I breathe, my voice hoarse. My eyes are puffy, and it feels like I haven't stopped crying ever since I found Violet.
I can't stop crying.
I'm moving before I even realize it, and storm out of my bedroom, into the suite where I find the two people I want to talk to.
Nick and Caleb look up when they see me, concern in their eyes.
And I can't help the anger coursing through my veins.
"Dolcezza," I hear dad's voice come from my right. But I don't pay any attention to him and walk over to my two targets.
"You knew!" I lash out and push at Caleb's chest. "You fucking knew she was doing drugs and you didn't do anything!"
"Elena," Nick tries to soothe me, but I push at his chest as well. "Fuck you!" I scream and flinch away from the hand that places itself on my shoulder.
Dad tries to hide his hurt when I throw him a glance over my shoulder. "They knew!" I exclaim and sob, focusing my attention back on the two.
"You just let her use those fucking drugs? You fucking let her get addicted?"
"She asked us to keep it a secret, Elena, she begged us to," Caleb fires back but I shake my head.
"I was her best friend!" I wail and try to wriggle out of the arms that have appeared around me, holding me back from hitting Caleb and Nick. "You were supposed to tell me! I was her best friend."
"A best friend Vi felt like she couldn't tell everything to," Caleb snaps back, "a best friend she wanted to keep this a secret from."
I cover my mouth to stop a cry from leaving my lips at his words, and my vision blurs in an instant.
"That was fucked up," Ares' seething voice comes from behind me.
"Ella." Caleb's voice has softened up. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said."
Did she feel like she couldn't talk to me?
Is that why she felt alone? How come I didn't see any of the signs? How could I've been so blind?
Fuck, if I wasn't so preoccupied with myself and worrying about Caleb... if I'd been thoughtful and a good best friend, maybe she would've still been here.
If I asked her how she was and noticed the signs of suicidal thoughts, she felt like there was another way.
This is all my fault.
I think I fainted.
Because when I open my eyes, I'm lying in my own bed with my mother's concerned face meeting me first thing.
She offers me her comforting smile as soon as I lay eyes on her. I can see she's been crying but is keeping strong for my and my family's sake.
"Hey, sweetheart," she greets and strokes my hair back from my face. "You fainted in the living room. Ares carried you here."
Glancing to my left, I see Ares sleeping peacefully, his lips parted and his skin smoothed from all the worry he's been in.
"Didn't want to leave your side. Had to talk him into getting some rest. He didn't sleep a lot," mom informs me.
Despite everything, a weak smile tugs at the corners of my lips.
"How are you feeling?" mom asks after some seconds of silence.
"I don't want to talk about it," I tell her and she hums. When she glances down at her lap, I see all the sadness eating away at her and realize this must be hard for her, too.
She lost someone that was like a daughter to her.
"You're grieving right now, Elena," she begins, "and it's normal to cope with it in your own way. But I think you should talk to Caleb and Nick. And get through this together. She was their friend, too."
"All I feel is so much anger, though," I reply and breathe out, "so much anger. And sadness. I can't put a name on it. It's like a gaping hole is in my chest and is sucking all I have out of me."
"Take all the time you need, honey," mom assures and leans down, planting a kiss on my forehead. "We'll be right here."
Another presence appears by her side, and I see the same exhausted look in dad's eyes.
It's like he knows I don't want to talk about it anymore and only smiles at me and reaches for my hand, giving it a squeeze.
Then, his eyes move to the person sleeping beside me.
"I never approved of him," he says dryly, and it manages to get a genuine – although very small and weak – smile out of me.
"You love him."
"Pretty sure I don't."
"You will."
"Let's see how he is, first."
"He's amazing," I grin. "And..." I love him.
"And he sure as hell pissed his pants when I interrogated him," comes my sister's soft voice, and she appears beside dad.
"Of course, he did," Riccardo chuckles and wraps his arms around her, "you're terrifying."
He plants a kiss on her temple, and dad rolls his eyes when he sees them.
Aurora sends me a little smile, and I see she's been crying a lot. "She felt like a sister to me, too," she says, and her voice catches in her throat.
Riccardo murmurs something in her ear and plays with her hair. She eases into him and lets out a small breath.
Averting my eyes, my mood is brought down again as I hear her words. The distraction with my parents felt nice, but I understand they're hurting, too.
And so are my siblings.
We spend some time together, in silence. Aurora and Riccardo have taken a seat on the couch, cuddled up together while mom and dad have gone out for a coffee together, and for Nicholas as well. My brother has been silent, too, but he's been cracking jokes every once in a while, to get rid of the tension.
In his sleep, Ares pulled me closer to him.
I've been drifting off into a slumber, too, waking up every thirty minutes but Ares' warmth and presence lull me back into peaceful darkness.
During this whole thing, my heartbeat hasn't slowed down and my breathing is rapid, the whole time.
Up until one point, I can't take it anymore because the uneasiness is getting in the way of my sleeping.
Instead, I get up from bed and wander out of the room, pausing in the living room and inhaling a few times.
It doesn't stop my rapidly beating heart and the way my anxiety is worsening by the minute, though.
"Elena."
When I hear Nick's voice, I turn my head to the right and see him standing in the doorway of Caleb's bedroom. The latter is standing behind Nick, with a guilty look in his eyes.
"Come here," Nick says, and I do exactly that. I walk into the room and without thinking, take a seat on the bed while trying to regulate my breathing.
"I'm sorry for lashing out at you guys like that," I whisper and look up, meeting their gazes.
"You had every right to," Caleb murmurs and looks down at the ground in shame, "we should've told you. I know we should've."
"I don't care about that anymore," I sigh and rake a hand through my hair. "I just want to know why she felt the need to turn to drugs. Why?"
Nick lets out the longest sigh and goes to sit beside me on the bed, tensed up and looking lost.
"She came to me often, and she was showing some signs of depression. I'd know since I'd seen my mother go through the same thing. But Vi refused to see a therapist and claimed she was just going through a tough time."
"S-she came to you?" I ask, and he nods. "She felt like she couldn't talk to me?"
"That's not it, Elena. You had your own things going on and all she cared about was your happiness."
"But what about her happiness, Nick?" I ask and feel my hands starting to shake, so I pin them underneath my legs to keep myself still.
It's quiet for a few minutes, where I'm trying to place everything in my head and trying to look for signs in my memories.
Any sign that could've given something away.
"Was it because of her parents?" I ask, and Nick makes an affirmative sound. "A lot of it was related to her childhood," he confirms. "And she hated the fame, Elena. Despised it. She knew how to hide it well."
"T-then why didn't I notice any of it? Am I so self-absorbed that I didn't see anything? If I'd seen any of it, maybe she would've still been here. Maybe she felt abandoned because of me and..."
"Elena," Nick interrupts and takes my hands in his, "you didn't notice anything because when she was with you, she was the happiest she could be. You took away her pain."
At this, I start crying. All that Caleb and Nick do is sit beside me and offer me emotional support. They know what I'm going through, so it feels nice to share this with them and let it all out.
"Violet came to me a year ago and said she wanted to try some cocaine together, so we did," Caleb starts softly. "I thought it was a one-time thing for her, and you all know I got addicted. Until a few months ago, I caught her doing it and she said she'd been doing it occasionally. Nick knew about it and showed his disapproval, but she never cared. I promise you, Ella, I didn't know she did other stuff. I would've immediately told you if I did. I should've told you about the coke as well, I know, and I feel awful about it."
I can tell he's blaming himself for a lot of it, and I'm blaming myself as well.
I'm about to tell him that he was just as naïve and didn't know any better when Malcolm's silent entrance distracts us.
He looks like he hasn't slept in days and is the definition of disheveled.
"I came by yesterday, too," he begins when he looks at me, "but you were in your room, so I missed you. I came by to tell you that the news reached the media."
My stomach drops and the blood drains from my face.
The fucking media.
Our tour.
The fans.
"I'm handling everything," Malcolm assures me when he sees the panic on my face. "Our team is handling social media and has announced a break from everything. I'm seeing to it that the amount of information that's being told to the fans is being controlled and that there are no leaks."
He continues to talk, but his voice fades out in my head.
I haven't even thought about our tour. Didn't even cross my mind.
If we were to resume it, it'd be without Violet. We'd be on stage alone, facing the crowd while still grieving.
I vaguely hear Caleb and Nick discussing something with Malcolm and they leave the room when they see I'm unresponsive to anything.
Trapped in my own mind, I sit on the bed for a long while. I don't even register the bed dipping beside me and a pair of arms wrapping themselves around me. Delilah's scent invades my nose.
On instinct, my arms wrap themselves around her as well. Vi, Delilah, and I were a tight group for three years. She's devasted, too.
We cry in each other's arms for what feels like an eternity.
"I went into a shock when I heard the news and locked myself up in my room ever since I knew," she admits and wipes at her eyes. "I feel fucking horrible for not coming by sooner, but it's like I..."
"Couldn't function," I finish for her and look into her eyes, "I felt the same way. Still do, now."
"We'll get through this together," she promises and another tear slips from her eyes, "I know I haven't been present lately."
"I didn't reach out, either. We both... distanced ourselves," I reply, "but right now, I need you."
She nods and we promise each other to be here for one another.
The three of us have lived together. Shared so many memories and have become such close friends, so I know what Delilah is going through.
I've seen Ares pass by the room numerous times, checking up on me but never wanting to invade my space too much, so he stays outside.
That is until I walk into my own room and reach out for him.
He immediately takes me into his arms.
"Hey sis," Aurora says from behind me, and I glance over my shoulder. "I have news on the funeral," she announces, "it's in five days."
The funeral. Oh god. I'm going to have to bury my best friend.
"I think I'm going to be sick," I breathe and lean against Ares for support. Aurora gives me more information as to who is planning it and where it's going to be held.
It feels like I'm falling into a black hole, and the light is slowly but surely fading away.
I spend the days leading up to the funeral in isolation.
Nothing happens. I'm grieving while people constantly check up on me. I don't have the energy to check up on them, because all I can focus on are Violet's eyes and smile and the way she felt when she died in my arms.
Delilah, Caleb, and Nick spend a lot of time with me, even though I don't talk much.
Ares is always by my side, taking care of me and making sure I eat.
Now, I'm gripping his hand on the day of the funeral. I'm dressed in a bland, black dress and my hair is up in a ponytail.
Ares is wearing a full black suit, and so do Nicholas and Riccardo.
At the large funeral home, I see a lot of people I've never met in my entire life.
"Did they even know Vi?" I ask Nick and Caleb. "What the fuck are they doing here? They don't deserve to be here. Is this just for show?"
"Ella, you're getting riled up," Caleb mutters. "Let today be a peaceful day where people say goodbye to an amazing woman. They're here to pay their respects."
"Well, there's a couple who don't deserve to show their face. The fucking nerve," I seethe when I lay eyes upon Vi's parents.
I take a step forward, ready to bite their heads off and send them away, but Ares holds me tight against him and puts his mouth near my ear.
"I think it's best we go inside and take our seats, Butterfly."
We were standing outside. The band and I, Delilah and Dopamine, greeting the people entering the funeral home and say their condolences.
"Tell me they don't have a seat at the front," I tell my sister, and she sends me an assuring smile.
She was in charge of planning the funeral, as was my mom. "Trust me, they don't," she says.
Vi's parents were never present and never supportive.
Ares and I take our seats at the front, and he wraps an arm around me. Caleb and Nick sit beside me, and Dopamine sits on the other side of Ares.
My family is sitting on another bench and Vi's family is right behind us.
Malcolm went overboard with the security. The whole territory is packed with guards, making sure no paparazzi are sneaking in or fans.
A ton of fans were planning on coming to the funeral, attending it here, and then asking us for pictures and signatures.
It was trending on Twitter, but our team was quick to snuff it all down and make sure that no one interrupted the funeral.
It's a private matter, and no one wanted it broadcasted.
When everyone is seated, the funeral begins and so does the introduction.
Vi's beaming smile meets us all, the projector showing us a few pictures and even videos throughout the introduction from the officiant.
When it's time for the readings, Caleb goes to stand at the altar and reads a poem that reminded him of Violet.
Nick goes to speak about her, and I stand behind the altar while waiting for my turn. I'm gripping Ares' hand, nearly cutting it off from its blood flow.
Even a few family members of Vi say something, which caught me by surprise. But I'm glad it wasn't her parents.
I don't know what I would've done if they proposed the idea.
When it's my turn, I step up and adjust the mic in front of me, taking a deep breath and feeling calm, knowing that Ares is right behind me.
"Hello everyone," I begin and nearly wince at the sound of my voice through the speakers. My voice sounds haunted and broken, tired and dry.
"I'm uh... I was Violet's best friend," I introduce myself, "Elena. And I've written a poem I'd like to read to you. I've written this for her and would like to say goodbye with this."
It's quiet. People's eyes are focused on me, and all I can think about is that this is so much worse than standing in front of ten thousand people in an arena.
Folding the paper open, I smooth it down on the wood and wipe my sweaty hands on my dress.
"Dear Violet
dear flower of mine
my favorite color
and the highlight of my day
I can't believe how fast time has passed by
and how quickly it took you away
I wish you'd been here a day longer
before you decided to leave
but god knows I couldn't have been any stronger
if I'd known the weight of your last smile and parting words
dear violet
you'll always be the highlight of my day
the one thing I'll live for
even though you've taken some of that light with you
I just wish to thank you
me, Elena Amoretto, your best friend, would like to thank you
for being yourself and being my sister
even if I don't see you anymore in this lifetime
I'll see you in the next
and I'll treasure you in the previous one
I'd like to thank you. for believing in us. for making something bigger than we ever believed we could be.
you were the best thing this world could have. you won't be forgotten.
I'll die making sure of it.
my dear Violet. flower of mine."
. . .
Yeah...
What do you think of the poem?
I'm very unsatisfied with this chapter, and I'd like to hope that you guys enjoyed it, but given the circumstances, I don't think you did.
We're all strong soldiers out here, though.
Moving on... today was my first day of college!
This is all very exciting to me sksks I'm curious to this new chapter in my life.
Thank you so much for reading.
I love you.