Kabanata 45
Drown
I knew it to myself that I was a bomb; silent, unnoticed, but when the time was up, or exposed or triggered—everyone around will be wounded from the outburst—even die from the explosion. I knew it very well, of course. I was the bomb. The ticking was inside me, and the trigger would always be him.
Levi is my weakness as well as my daughter.
If I was the one who planted the bomb inside me, he gave the bomb to be planted.
No one deserved the explosive. No one deserve to be hurt, wounded or die with me. Especially a guy who would do his best to make the ticking bomb stop—but couldn't — and how I wished he could.
"Lumiere?" His voice from the other side was low and soft.
Ilang minuto na rin itong kumakatok sa pinto but I didn't move a single muscle.
"Lumiere," he then called me again.
Tumingin ako sa taas and I saw a hook. Five years ago, I was tempted to put a rope around my neck. Finding out about my brother's death and hearing how my mom cried that time is still killing me up to this day. Later on, my mom gave up and took her life also— left me nothing but my own. Punong-puno ng iba't ibang boses ang utak ko hanggang ngayon. Now that the surrounding was silent, no shouts or cries, just the beating of my heart, I got tempted again.
But of course, I couldn't do it. I was too scared to feel the burning hurt again. From that moment, I suddenly forgot about my Asteria and let the dim light ate me again.
"Lumiere, I'm sorry," said the voice outside.
After what happened to the hospital the other day, I was so scared to go outside. Dalawang araw na akong hindi lumalabas mula sa guest room ng Casa. Alam kong hinahanap na ako ng anak ko but I'm too scared to go outside and let her see me like this. Sa tuwing aatakihin ako ng ganito ay ayokong may ibang makakakita sa'kin. Lalong-lalo na silang dalawa.
I was a black hole, sucking the happiness away. But who would be happy after what happened, right?
Shame on Levi who wanted to be sucked by my black hole. Shame on me for letting Levi's happiness be drained by my stupid black hole. Ramdam ko pa rin ang pagsisisi ko nang sabihin ko iyon sa kaniya. I told him those words like I was already given him up just like before pero sa tuwing iniisip ko ang pang-iinsulto ng mom niya sa anak ko ay namamatay ako nang paulit-ulit.
I closed my eyes. The tears were nowhere, I stayed still. I didn't mean to tell him that. And I was sure Levi is blaming himself for the outburst. He kept saying sorry and I kept hurting.
Every sorry from him felt like a knife stabbing my heart.
Another knock and I heard another voice outside. Maya-maya pa, tuluyan na itong bumukas.
Fuck that door. Bakit pa naimbento ang spare keys?
"Lumiere?" Levi called.
I stayed still on the bed. Nakakumot ako, curled up like a baby, wanted to get sleep but my mind was drowning from dark thoughts.
Levi sat on the bed. His touch on my arm, kahit na nakakumot, made my heart a lot heavier.
"Let's talk, baby, please. Huwag ganito," he started. I forced my eyes to remain closed. "I'm sorry. I talked to mom and... ah, fuck it. I'm sorry, baby, please..."
I wanted to shout 'stop saying sorry' but my lips couldn't move. We were silent for a few minutes. I heard my heartbeat crashing. I heard Levi's heavy breathing.
"I'm sorry... I know how exhausted you are but please... if you're tired, then let me be our strength now. Please... we can't give this up," he uttered that made everything in me heavier than ever.
I didn't say a word. I don't know what to say. I just feel empty and not wanting to talk about it. Hindi ngayon. Ayokong magdesisyon ngayon. Sobrang hirap magdesisyon ngayon. Hindi ko kaya.
Maya-maya pa, tumayo na si Levi. When he stood up, the bed felt lighter pero lalong bumigat ang pakiramdam ko. I overheard the door closing and opened my eyes, tears started to fall after the room became empty and dark again; like what I was feeling. I bit my lips to control my emotions and closed my eyes again.
Too tired to think, I drifted to sleep.
Nagising ako nang makarinig ako ng sunod-sunod at malalakas na kalabog sa pinto.
"Mommy, let's eat na po," I heard Ria shouted from outside.
Mariin akong napapikit dahil roon.
I sat up, my head was swirling. Gusto kong maiyak muli sa galit nang maalala ko na naman ang mga sinabi ni Tita Criselda tungkol sa anak ko.
Pinigilan ko ang pag hinga. Every beat of my heart hurts. Pagtayo ay muntik pa akong matumba. Ramdam ko ang pananakit ng hita ko pagtapak sa lapag but I continued walking towards the door. Nang buksan ko iyon ay tumambad sa'kin ang mag-ama ko, nagpabuhat kaagad sa akin si Ria.
"I missed you, mommy," Ria whispered to me kaya niyakap ko ito, ramdam ko ang paninitig sa akin ni Levi.
We went to the living room. I was surprise when I saw his dad and mom, kumpleto na ang lahat sa hapagkainan at mukhang ako na lang talaga ang hinihintay. Nakita ko pa ang saglit na pag tingin ng matalim sa akin ni Tita Criselda.
Tito Saldy is on his way to recovery and we're all glad! Unti-unti na ring bumabalik ang alaala nito ngunit hindi pa rin kasama roon ang inaakala niyang ang asawa niya ay si mama.
"It's not nice to see you, Rae. Pagkatapos ng mga sinabi ko sa'yo ay may gana ka pang sumabay sa amin sa pag kain," Tita Criselda started.
"Mom, please stop it, not in front of my daughter," Levi firmly said to his mom but she didn't even flinch. Ngumisi lamang ito habang ang daddy niya ay tahimik lamang sa isang tabi.
Mariin akong napapikit at tumingin sa anak kong walang malay sa isang tabi. She's enjoying her food.
Everyone started eating. No one dared to spoke again. Halos hindi ko malunok ang kinakain ko dahil ramdam ko pa rin ang kirot ng dibdib ko.
After almost an hour, before I could stand up and get away from everyone before I explode, Tita Criselda lit the fire again.
"Why are you still here? Your family was the reason why my husband turned to be like this," mariin niyang sinabi sa akin.
Mabilis ang naging lingon ko sa anak ko at hinanap agad ng mga mata ko ang maid. Nang makita mo ito ay pinaubaya ko na muna ang anak ko at dalhin sa sala.
Levi held my hand.
"Mom, tumigil ka na. Walang kasalanan si Astraea sa nakaraan ninyo kaya huwag niyo kaming idamay sa ganiyan ninyo!" Levi almost shouted but his mom remain firmed.
"I just want her to know her place, son. Hindi siya nababagay rito. Hindi mo ako naiintindihan dahil wala ka sa posis—"
"I fucking understand everything, ma, pero wala kaming kinalaman doon. Anak ko si Asteria at hindi totoong oportunista ang nanay ng anak ko! Don't push me to the limit, please," Levi uttered.
Tita Criselda laughed. Masakit iyon sa tainga ko kaya napangiwi ako.
"Hindi mo alam ang sinasabi mo. Of course, you will say that because you love her that much, but I want you to know that you're not going to marry an opportunist like her," mariin na sambit sa kaniya ng mom niya.
Ramdam ko ang higpit ng hawak niya sa kamay ko habang naririnig ko ang malulutong niyang mga mura. I was so empty to feel anything. Wala na akong maramdaman.
Bumitaw ako sa hawak ni Levi sa akin. Bago pa ako umalis doon ay nagsalita na ako.
"Hindi ho ako oportunista. Mas kailangan ko ho ang dignidad kaysa sa kayamanan," walang gana kong sambit sa kanila. Leaving everyone, even Levi, in the living room.
I, again, lay down on the bed and curled up in my blanket. Nanatili akong gano'n, drifting in and out of sleep.
With my eyes open, I stared at the blackness of darkness. Pagod na akong magsalita. Pagod na rin akong tumayo. Gusto ko na lang lumayo ulit kasama ang anak ko, ran away, like what I did before, but I was too tired of everything.
I can still hear Tita Criselda's voice inside my head. I clutched my blanket. I tried not to let tears fall, but it was too late. Tuloy ang pag-agos ng luha habang ako ay nakapikit. Gusto kong matulog ngunit hindi ako hinahayaan ng mga boses sa utak ko.
Nanginginig ang buong pagkatao ko sa galit but all I could do was curl in my bed and let the fucking tears fall. Of course, I was freaking angry. I hated this situation and the only thing I can choose is to ran away instead of staying here. Fuck them for making me like this without any option!
The burn healed years ago, for fuck's sake, but the scar was still there, letting me know that Levi and his family is a part of my shattered self. Of my blood and flesh.
My stay in States was a breathe of fresh air. Hindi ko naisip doon ang problema sa tatay ng anak ko at sa pamilyang mayroon ito. I went home thinking I could breathe because of Levi.
Pagkalalim ng gabi, I went out of the room and decided to go out of the house. Nagtungo ako sa likod ng bahay and stared at the dark surroundings. Naalala ko ang mga nangyari at sinabi niya kanina at kung paano siya ipinagtanggol ni Levi sa sarili nitong magulang. I felt a pang in my chest.
Hindi na ako lumingon nang marinig ko ang pagsara at pagbukas ng pintuan. I could also feel Levi's presence at my back, my heart is racing.
We stood there; silence covering us, and the breathing was getting hard again. It was a simple inhale and exhale but how can something be simple if every move was hurting her, dragging the process?
"I don't want to talk to you about it but I should. I know, I should." His voice made me winced. Nakakapanibago ang gaan.
"We're both lucky to have you and I'm so thankful I get to know you. It's okay to feel sad and upset and I'm so sorry about that, so please, let me hold you while you were crashing."
Levi started talking. I listened and kept silent.
"Baby," Levi nudged me after the minute of talking, ni isa ay wala akong naintindihan.
Levi sighed. "Hayaan mo akong lumaban para sa atin habang nagpapahinga ka," he uttered.
Levi's smile faded. He turned to me to let us face each other. Yumuko ito para hulihin ang tingin ko ngunit mariin akong pumikit upang iwasan ito.
"Don't leave me, please. I will fix everything and continue our wedding," he added again. Ramdam ko ang pagpupursige niya.
Pagmulat ng mga mata ko, Levi's eyes were closed, his hand scratching his head. I wanted to hold him but it felt like my touch was fatal and he'll die with me if I did.
I saw his heavy breathing when he said, "I promised to take good care of you especially your heart the moment I saw you. I know sorry will never be enough but please, you can rest and let me fight while waiting for you to be okay. Don't give up on us, Lumiere."
Gusto kong maiyak for my heart was crashing me inside but I stood still, legs wobbling. I made an effort to stand up; to not Levi see my weakness.
"We're a team here. Our problem is our enemy, not us, not each other—oh, god, I fucking love you and I'm so sorry for making you feel like this."
My heart sank. I suddenly felt like I am drowning. I wanted to scream, Levi, tulong, but I can't. The burning feeling inside of me is slowly killing me. I want him to hold me while I was crashing but I don't want him to feel what I'm feeling right now because I know how it hurts. I know how hard it is.
"Let's go somewhere far away from here. Only you, me, and our Asteria. I won't leave you like this, hindi ko na kaya, Rae. Pakiusap," he uttered before hugging me.
Hindi ko na rin kaya, Levi. Tulong.