Chapter Thirty Four
Sirius had been actually looking forward to this party for a long time. It was the perfect opportunity to lose himself in his new found vice without anyone questioning why. When they finally arrived nothing could prepare him for what he felt when he saw her. She was standing near a table, the light creating a halo around her making her look stunning, and when she turned to look at them with the brightest smile on her face he swears he felt the air leave his lungs. She was wearing a pink jumpsuit that contrasted brightly with her red hair yet: She couldn't look more beautiful. He thought.
She walked over to them and started to talk. If he was honest with himself he wasn't even listening, too entranced looking at her. That is, until reality crashed over him like a wave when he saw Diggory wrap an arm around her waist, and then witnessing the killer smile she gave him in return. There was that feeling again, the one that only came over him when he saw them together. When they walked away he desperately started looking for something, or rather someone to distract him from his thoughts.
The party was halfway through, by now everybody was either very drunk or passed out. Sirius had spent the majority of his night flirting and talking with a few girls who were trying too hard to gain his attention, but he had deemed it impossible to talk to them without comparing them to her. He was leaning against the wall looking at his surroundings until his gaze landed on her. She was on the dance floor with him, clearly enjoying herself and having fun with someone who wasn't him. He cast his eyes down to his cup filled with fire whiskey, and he slowly stirred it as the memory of the first time he ever drank came to his mind.
****
It was barely two weeks into the summer break and Sirius was already losing his mind. There wasn't a second his mother didn't berate him, gave him hateful glances, complained about how terribly thick and stupid Gryffindors are, and consantly remark how utterly disappointed and mostly miserable she was of having him for a son.
He was grateful for Regulus's attempt to sway her attention away from him though it never lasted long. Any time before this particular summer break Sirius would've stayed silent and obeyed, but he figured he liked challenging his mother. He liked going against her and her ridiculous pure blood ideals, but every comeback or rebellious act wasn't left unpunished by Walburga Black.
His father didn't even bother to speak or even cast a look his way. His only inputs were grunts of agreement and one syllable words. That summer was the summer Sirius finally lost all admiration for his father as he watched him stay unbothered by the screams of agony from his own son.
It was a hot night in July when it happened. Everyone was asleep and Sirius was in the living room, staring blankly at the light rain outside the window, it was then when the liquor cabinet caught his eye. All the bottles neatly lined up on the table and an equally tidy row of glasses in front of them. The amber and clear liquids called out to him. Just a little taste. He thought, plucking a bottle of gin from the back row and pouring a small amount into a glass. It was fairly new, he'd never seen anyone drink from it.
The liquor burned his throat and made his face contort in disgust, but the feeling it caused was certainly pleasurable. After a couple of sips, his lips and tongue were numb, he discarded the glass altogether. He put the bottle up from his mouth and his careful, tentative sips turned to reckless gulps.
Like everything else in his house, it was expensive stuff. He knew that. And yet he drank it like it was nothing more than plain pumpkin juice. He liked the power he felt when he did this, drinking it like it was nothing. Like this whole House was nothing.
Thank Merlin it was Regulus who found him almost passed out on the living room floor. If it had been his mother who knows what she would've done to him, though it couldn't possibly be worse than what she had already done.
Regulus put an arm around his waist and draped Sirius's arm over his shoulders to support him, he couldn't go two steps without losing his balance. "Sks Reggie." he slurred, not able to form full sentences. "Bloody hell, you're a mess." Said Regulus with a smile that was half adoration, half pity. "S true, family disappointment right here." Sirius said with a flare of his hand. "Shh, you don't want to wake them up." "Right, shhh Sirius!" he told himself and laughed drunkenly.
Despite his best efforts, Regulus could not manage to put Sirius on the bed properly, and after 10 minutes of struggling he gave up and sat on the floor beside his hanging head. "D'you know what's bothering me Reggie?" Sirius' eyes were half closed already. "What would that be?" Said Regulus, taking his shoes off and looking at him. "Well for starters I am a disgrace as you are well aware of." "You are not a dis- ..." "And to top it all off." Sirius interrupted. "The girl I love is going out with that Hufflepuff pretty boy Almond Trigger." "Amos Diggory?" Asked Regulus, holding in a laugh. "That's the bastard!" Said Sirius, covering his eyes with his arm. "Maybe she's going out with him because you never thought to ask her?" Mused Regulus "The fuck Reggie? I'm not looking to be counselled, that's why I'm trashed. But you may be right." Regulus just chuckled lightly. "One of these days I'm getting out, Reg. Hey, you should come with me!" Sirius exclaimed the last part, his eyes growing wide and a grin spreading across his face. Regulus chuckled again. "Shh! Maybe someday brother." He said sadly, "Good." Sirius closed his eyes and smiled.
Before long, Sirius was passed out snoring on his brother's bed, Regulus lying beside him like they were kids again. Pity the whole thing would be forgotten come morning.
****
Sirius was pulled out of his bitter memories by the sound of a laugh, not just any laugh, but hers. He could recognize it even if he was going half deaf. It was impossible for him to hear her standing half across the room and the music being too loud, but perhaps he was so aware of her presence that he was able to. He looked once more at the couple and the feeling returned only ten times stronger. They were dancing, he had picked her up by the waist and twirled her around, and they were close, too close for his liking. He didn't even notice he had done it until he felt the cool liquid running through his hand. He had crushed the cup in his grip. Discarding the now destroyed cup and pushing himself off the wall he decided he was no longer in the mood to party. So he made his way to the door.
His first thought had been to go back to his dorm and sleep, it was already half past one, but he knew he wouldn't be able to. So instead he let his legs carry him to the only place that brings his solace: The Astronomy Tower.
Slowly dragging his feet up the stairs he eventually made it to the top. Once he was there he walked to the railing and sat with his feet dangling off, as he took a packet of cigarettes he had stolen from an older housemate. He gently smacked it against his palm like he had once seen his cousin Andy do that time he caught her smoking at the manor's backyard before she ran away.
He placed the cigarette on his mouth and reached for the pocket of his leather jacket to pull out a lighter. He didn't use a wand like one would expect. No, he liked the little ritual of flicking the little muggle contraption, the flame casting a light shadow on his face, and slowly inhaling so it would light up. He took a long drag, letting the smoke fill his lungs before releasing a puff into the air. Enjoying the feeling of his muscles slowly loosening.
He repeated the process one, two, three times as he let his mind wonder when he had let these feelings overcome him. He felt so many things at once but mostly tired and angry. If only he was as brave as he pretended to be. What if he had been born the perfect Slytherin heir his mother so desperately wanted? He would've been spared years of pain.
He suddenly felt intense guilt. What about his friends, one of which has suffered worse than what he could possibly imagine.
Had he grown up like his mother wished he had he would've never met James; his best mate, the boy who had an ego the size of the lake but the heart to match it. He would've certainly tried to ruin Remus's life had he ever found out his secret. He would've never crossed a word with Peter and feel the joy of having a friend as caring and funny as him, and her, Prim. Oh that would've been tragic. He would've never spared her a second glance, worst of all he would've probably called her names and insulted her the very same way his mother did to him.
Sirius Black might regret a lot of things, but being who he is is not one of them. Yet he's haunted by the thought that he's not good enough and will never be. That he's too tainted and broken for someone like her to love him. So he convinced himself that it would be alright, that maybe tonight was only fueled by the alcohol in his blood, that he could watch from the sidelines, and eventually things would be back to normal. Except they didn't.
A/N
I'm sorry for the slow updates I've just been really busy with school work.
I promise I haven't forgotten about the story it's just been hard finding some free time to give you updates. I hope you find the patience to read the story even with the slow updates.
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Stay tuned messer and don't forget the mischief is not yet managed.