I told the staff as soon as possible.
They weren't that surprised. They were all actually pretty chilled.
The kpop-industry is a whole lot gayer than it seems - the staff stopped to question things long ago (especially after working with us).
Our managers and label got a whiff of it too. Grapevine. They weren't as chilled, obviously. I mean, they can't even handle the bisexual thing (Minho's open gayness neither), so no one's surprised.
But as long as I keep my queerness off camera they can't really get to me.
So far, I was satisfied.
The members also did their best to accustom themselves to the new situation.
They tried to use my new pronouns as soon as there weren't any cameras around; gently correcting each other if one of them messed up.
Someone had the idea that everyone who got my pronouns wrong had to do ten push-ups. That was the best idea ever.
We just did push-ups all the time.
Me too, because I messed up as well, calling myself boy out of habit.
Chan predicted that by the end of the month we all would have a shoulder's width from over 60 cm.
•°
Changbin even bought a book on nonbinary and genderqueer issues. I sometimes borrow it from him to read a few chapters myself.
We always talk about the topics afterwards. He asks me for example if that's something I struggle with, too (dysphoria - yes, wanting a surgery - no; etc.) and how it feels for me.
Through that we grew closer. He showed that he's genuinely devoted and by now I can talk to him about everything.
He's my mental support.
It's freeing.
•°
Minho began to do my hair more often.
Whenever we were bored backstage or in the dorm he would come to me and start combing my hair.
He would put little bunches in it or try to braid some strands.
My favourite look so far was probably the one with my hair swept back and two braided strands left falling over my face.
He would sometimes even let me do his hair.
I wasn't as good at styling it as he was though.
I don't know what made him start this but it became somehow our little tradition.
It was so rare that he showed his affection this openly - I savoured every second like the treasure it was.
•°
Jisung strolled in my room the other day, going straight to my wardrobe to fish out all my crop tops.
'I wanna wear more crop tops on camera' He stated. Before I could say anything he added: 'And so do you.'
And this is how we spent three hours together infront a laptop shopping for the most wildly designed cropped shirts.
(Only a small part of those three hours were spent with binge watching skz thirst edits)
I couldn't wait for all that stuff to be delivered.
As soon as the others heard about it, they made us promise to stage a fashion show to show off all the new pieces.
Knowing them, I was probably going to be convinced to keep the weirdest pieces of clothing ever designed.
Knowing Jisung, this was going to be absolute fun.
•°
One day, when I talked with Chan, I asked him if he suspected something before I came out to them.
'Yeah, of course. I know you. I've always had a suspicion in the back of my mind, I think. To be honest, I was sure that you're trans quite a time. Like, a trans girl. I never asked, though, because I wasn't certain if you even had an idea of this yourself and also.. something about the girl thing didn't totally add up. That all suddenly made sense that day you came to me and spoke of... nonbinary stuff. I surely knew then. But you absolutely weren't ready to talk about it then, so I left it. I know that you know you can come to me whenever something's up.'
•°
The members were there for me when I wanted to talk, when I needed to get something off my chest.
Seungmin was special, though.
He was the one who gave me space when I didn't want to talk.
The only one who could handle me in a bad, dysphoric mood.
I could come to him when I wanted to be neither around people nor alone.
He was there for me, showing me stupid cat videos on his phone until I could laugh again.
We sometimes spent hours cuddling, until I fell asleep on top of him, exhausted from all the crying.
I was thankful for him.
I also wanted to give a little friendship service back.
'Seungmin?'
'Mhm?'
'I've got a question'
'Mhm?'
'You don't have to answer if you don't want to'
'Ask already'
'Okay, okay. Um, you and Changbin? Are you a thing? Like, again?'
Seungmin stared at me.
I wasn't fooled. I noticed their lingering gazes and not-so-accidental touches. They had been a secret couple, breaking up years ago, but sparks were definitely still flying.
'I won't answer that, Felix. You're shit at keeping secrets.'
'Doesn't that answer say everything already?'
'Oh shut up.'
'Do you let him top?'
That coaxed an amused huff from him.
'Hell nah. Changbin's a bottom as you've never seen before.'
'Interesting. Tell me more'
'No'
It was a long evening.
•°
Hyunjin and I still met up for doing each other's make up.
Like always.
But there was something weird between us.
Usually, we'd hug and cuddle all the time, sitting on top of each other and so forth.
Yet since my coming out, I felt like he was more distant. Avoiding closeness and unnecessary touch.
It made me sick. Since the first time I noticed it, I paid extra attention to his actions whenever we were alone, basically obsessing over it.
I was afraid he couldn't handle me being nonbinary. That he had a problem with me all of a sudden.
Right now, he was sitting on my bed, rummaging around in our back full of make up supplies, looking for - hell, what, I don't even know.
I was perched on my desk chair, watching him. I took a deep breath. Stood up and sat next to him.
'Hyunjin?'
'Yeah?'
I scooted an attempting inch closer to him, reaching out to touch his shoulder. He flinched away.
Just a millisecond. A millimeter.
Yet it felt like a huge canyon opening between us. We both felt that.
I inhaled shakily. 'Hyunjin-ah'
He swallowed.
'What was that? What is that? What's up? Please talk to me.'
I tried to prevent my eyes from watering.
He looked away. 'I'm sorry.'
'What is it? Please, you can tell me. Do you have a problem with me being nonbinary? It's that isn't it?'
He turned around. He was crying.
'No, God, Felix no. It's not that. I respect you the way you are and I'm happy for you. Please believe me that. But.. '
'But what?'
He swallowed again, hard. 'I.. I'm so confused. I just don't know... how to act around you.'
'What do you mean, act around me?'
'I'm afraid of.. Hell, I don't know what. I'm just afraid of doing something wrong, I guess. Of messing up. I want to be there for you and make you feel safe but... I don't know how. So much has changed and I don't know how to adjust to that.. When you were - when I thought you were a boy, I could.. it made sense, I knew how and who to be around you, you know? But now... I don't... I just don't know.'
His voice failed him.
'Hey, Hyunjin' I carefully lifted his face to make him meet my eyes. I touched his chin as lightly as possible, not wanting to risk him flinching away again. He didn't. His cheeks were wet.
'That's the thing, you know: Nothing actually changed. I'm still the same person I was before I came out. I still love make up and cuddling and gossiping with you and all that. I'm still the same. You can act around me as you've always done. The fact that I'm not a boy doesn't change anything about that. And if you think back - all this time I haven't been a boy either. You just didn't know. So you already had your training in being around me.'
I carefully wiped his tears away, proceeding slow in case he didn't want me to touch him further.
'And you already are there for me. You created a safe space for me to express myself - even before I knew I needed it. And I love you for that. Don't take this away.'
He suddenly moved, I thought he was going to push me away for a second; instead he grabbed me and squeezed me into a bone-crushing hug.
He buried his face in my neck. I felt his warm tears on my skin and the sobs running through his body. I tightened my grip on his shirt, pulling him even closer.
Remembering another thing he said, I whispered to him: 'I want you to be able to be yourself around me. Because that's what you allow me and that is who I love. You don't need to.. disguise yourself for me, okay?'
I felt his small nod.
I hugged him closer.
We stayed like that a long time.
'I'm sorry' he said again.
'Don't be. It's okay to be confused. How about, in the future if you're unsure how to act in a specific situation... just ask me?'
'Okay', Hyunjin whispered.
Then, sniffling: 'Maybe I just don't know how to handle the fact that I think this nonbinary thing is weirdly attractive.'
A surprised laugh escaped me. 'What?'
He pulled back, looking at me. Sniffled once more. 'What? I'm attracted to men and women. So you're just like... a jackpot.'
I chuckled. 'Stop flirting and hug me'
He did (the latter).
•°
'Hey' I said.
'Hey' Jeongin answered.
He was sitting on the edge of my bed, nervously fumbling with his fingers.
'You look good' he added quietly.
I was wearing a tight black turtleneck and a short pink skirt, showing of my thighs.
'Thank you.' I sat down next to him. Not too close.
I couldn't estimate him. He was a bit weird towards me ever since my coming out.
Not the same weird as Hyunjin had been, but seeing how I was able to sort out everything with Hyunjin by talking, I was eager to try with Jeongin as well.
'How are you?' I asked carefully.
'I'm good.' I didn't believe him. 'And you?'
'I'm very happy lately. I guess you figured.' I smiled.
He nodded and gave a smile back. It seemed somewhat pained. 'I know.'
Silence.
'And how are you really?'
Jeongin huffed. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. I hesitantly put a hand on his back.
After a while he said: 'I don't know'
I didn't say anything, waiting for him to elaborate.
'I'm just confused, I guess'
'Confused about what?'
'I don't know'
'You don't know a lot, do you?'
He let out an humourless chuckle. 'No.'
'Try maybe to focus more on emotions themselves, not their sense. What are you feeling, Jeongin?'
A short silence. Then-
'Jealousy' he whispered.
'Jealousy? Of who?'
'You.'
I stared at him in surprise. 'Me? What?'
Jeongin looked to the side, not meeting my gaze.
'I can't really explain. It's just... You're so confident and sure and proud while I'm being.. just confused.'
I frowned. 'What am I confident and sure and proud about?'
His eyes were pressed closed. 'You know what I mean.'
'What if I don't?'
He took a deep breath. 'That whole nonbinary thing. Your whole gender identity, god damnit. You're so ... sure. The way you just confidently put on that skirt back then, while I was just panicking. You've found yourself, you know what you want and what not, you know what... what you are.'
I let that sink in. 'And you don't?'
'I don't know.'
Silence.
'I'm just confused, as I said. Sometimes everything's alright and I'm just happy for you. But other times I'm so envious it hurts. Then I want to be like you.'
'Nonbinary?'
'Femme.'
'Oh' I said.
We went quiet. I leaned a little closer to him, giving him a sideways hug.
The silence stretched. I tried to wrap my head around what he just said, tried to make sense of it.
Jeongin was the first to speak again: 'I sometimes feel like this boy stuff is gonna suffocate me, like I'm completely in the wrong body. And the next day I wake up and that feeling is totally gone and I'm convinced I imagined it. I don't get it.'
'How often do you feel like this?'
'It's really infrequent. Maybe about one day per week. Sometimes two in a row and then a whole month nothing again. It's like I'm going crazy.'
'Hey, you're not crazy. That feeling is valid, no matter how rare it is. Have you ever searched on LGBTQ-websites if there are people feeling similar things?'
'What? No. Feeling weird stuff once a week doesn't mean I'm queer.'
I didn't say anything. He didn't give the impression to be ready for me to tell him that he was probably in denial.
Instead I asked: 'What about today? Is it a weird day?'
He hesitated a few seconds before nodding.
I had an idea.
'...would you be interested in trying out some of the stuff I bought lately?' I waggled my eyebrows.
Jeongin laughed shortly. 'I don't know.'
'You know, if you say you don't know something, could it be that you know it quite surely but are just afraid to say it out loud?'
He rolled his eyes. 'Yes, okay. I want to. But just clothes and stuff not ... I don't know, sex toys or something.'
'Party-pooper. Taking all my joy away.'
I made him laugh with that.
Which I counted as a huge success.
'Please don't tell the others.' Jeongin mumbled while we started rummaging through my wardrobe.
'I won't. It's not my story to tell. Now, what do you think about this beautiful piece?'
'Dear God, no way am I putting that on!'
(the pic is from pinterest, I couldn't find the proper credits...)
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