After an unbearably long day of shopping with Alice, we'd finally finished and were now sitting at a restaurant that neither Bella or I could afford. Bella rested her head in her folded arms on the table, her exhaustion palpable. The three vampires on the table didn't even have the basic decency to act tired while talking to the waitress.
"I'm never going out with you guys again." Bella moaned from behind her arms. We all just laughed.
"Yeah I'm sure you'll have way more fun with Jessica and the others." I retorted, leaning back in my seat. She didn't answer me, but she did flip me off, which set off our laughter again.
Dinner passed quickly, with the conversation mostly consisting of plans for our upcoming senior year. Annoyingly, everyone but me had already done the reading for the year, Alice, Jasper and Edward because of their previous senior year experience, and probably because those books were younger than them. Bella however, was a literature nerd.
"Well, I have no intention of reading them." I said, only half joking, "So you guys will have to help me with the projects."
"Of course!" Alice was quick to reply, kissing me on the cheek. Edward seemed absolutely galvanized by the prospect of someone refusing to read 'fine English literature', Bella comforted him.
After dinner we went up to our rooms. Bella and Edward in one, Alice Jasper and I in another. Each room on opposite sides of the hotel. To 'give everyone privacy', or some semblance of that. It's not that they couldn't hear each other at this distance, but with the rest of the people in the hotel along with the separation, it would take a conscious effort to listen in on each other. So, as long as no dangerous surprises happen, we should all have privacy. The idea of which made heat rise to my face, and had my heart racing.
The room was nice, it had a large bed and a great view of the city. I walked to the balcony, looking out into the night. The sky was clear, a nice summer night. Despite the undeniable cold of Washington, it reminded me of home for a moment. The apartment I live in with my mom.I vaguely heard Alice excusing herself to shower. But the more I stared out, the more down the rabbit hole my thoughts went.
I still haven't been completely honest with my friends.
With my partners.
Would they still be with me if they knew the truth?
Before I could continue to spiral I felt two strong cold arms hugging my middle, and a kiss on the back of my neck.
"Penny for your thoughts darlin'?" He whispered.
"It's nothing." I lied.
"It's not nothing," He squeezed my waist, "I can feel your fear." My heartbeat spiked again.
"I don't-I don't know," I stuttered, "I don't know how to tell you."
"Tell me what, darlin'" He rubbed my sides comfortingly. I shook my head. He turned me around in his arms, I looked away. "Bella told me you had a panic attack yesterday, is that what it is?"
"Yes," I shook my head, "No, I don't- I'm not sure."
I heard the door to the bathroom open, and Alice made her way to us with inhuman speed. She was still damp, droplets forming at the ends of her hair.
"You had a panic attack?" She cupped my cheek, "Why didn't you tell us?" Her voice was laced with worry.
"I didn't want to ruin today," I avoided their eyes, "And I was fine, I just- I'm sorry, I don't know what set me off."
"You shouldn't bottle these things up, we're here for you." She kissed my cheek.
"I know, I know!" I sighed, "There's just so much I haven't told you and-"
"You don't have to tell us anything," Jasper cut in, "We've always known there's something you haven't told us, and were alright with that."
I hid my face in his chest wrapping my arms around him, his hands on my waist, Alice rubbing soft circles on my back. I wish i hadn't gone home, I felt like i was suffocating. I hardly left the apartment the entire time, my mom would hardly be there physically, but she called and called and called. And whenever she was there she'd walk on eggshells around me. Everything about home just reminded me of what happened. After a while I pulled back slightly.
"What if I tell you and you see me differently?" I asked.
"There's nothing you could tell us that would change the way we feel about you." Alice said and Jasper agreed. We stayed quiet for a moment, I took several deep breaths to steady myself.
"Something happened back home," I started, they just listened patiently. "It was a while ago, but I just can't let it go."
"I let my-" I breathed in, remembering all that Dr. Douglas told me. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't. "People think I let my friend be killed."
"What-" Alice tried to ask something, but i stopped her.
"Please let me finish, please, before I lose the courage to tell you." I felt Jasper's hold on my waist tighten slightly, his face stony, giving nothing away. As if trying to ground me. Alice nodded and I continued.
"Someone we both knew killed her," I felt my breath falter, "I knew they were close, but I was too scared to tell anyone-" I felt myself getting chokes up, tears welling up in my eyes, but I continued through the tears. They needed to know. If I needed to be vetted by their superiors, they needed to know the truth about who they were with.
"And- and by the time I did, it was too late." Alice brushed my tears away. I was unable to speak after that, I cried into Jasper's chest. I felt his hand on the back of my neck, as he held me tightly to him.
As the night went on, I told them more and more. They mostly remained quiet. Patiently waiting until I finished. Despite their silence, the more I spoke, the heavier the atmosphere became. I'm not an empath like Jasper, but I could tell how much my words angered them. Once I finished, they didn't hesitate in speaking their minds.
"We're sorry you had to go through that," Alice said, her voice strained, deeper. "But you need to understand that you did nothing wrong." She smiled softly at me, I knew it was genuine, but it didn't reach her eyes. They were angry.
"But I-" I tried to say something. But Jasper was quick to shut me down.
"No." His voice, like Alice's, was deep, gravely. Sending a shiver down my spine. "You were a child, there was nothing you could have done." Jasper was usually the easier going of both of them, he went along with whatever people said. But his tone was final, leaving no room for any argument.
"But I knew," I pleaded. I didn't know what for, but I did. "I knew they were together, and I didn't tell anyone! If I had-"
"You'd most likely be dead." He said sharply, I flinched. "You two were children, someone should've been looking after you. Someone should've noticed!" His voice became louder, but he stopped himself. He rubbed his face and took a breath, calming himself. Then his hand returned to rest on the back of my neck, his thumb softly rubbing my cheek.
"There's nothing you could have done differently." He pressed his forehead to mine. "I'll tell you as many times as it takes to convince you, but neither of us blame you." Alice squeezed my hand in quiet reassurance. When he pulled back, the whites of his eyes had darkened and I could see dark veins on his neck. I reached up and cupped his cheek, but he stopped me, grabbing my wrist and placing a kiss on the palm of my hand. "I need to excuse myself darlin'." I nodded. He placed a light kiss on my lips, then did the same with Alice, and calmly left the room.
"How about you take a nice bath, hmm?" Alice said, her fake cheeriness still present in her voice. I let her lead me into the bathroom, and watched as she prepared a warm bath. She motioned me to get in and turned around so I could get undressed. As I settled in the warm water, I noticed the same veins on Alice's neck as I saw on Jasper.
"You can turn around now." I said, not taking my eyes off her neck.
"Well, how about I get you something to drink-" She started to turn to leave.
"Wait!" I pleaded, "Please stay." Her eyes finally softened and she nodded, kneeling next to the tub. She began to comb my now damp hair, and I just leaned into her touch, exhausted from the previous conversation.
"Is Jasper gonna be okay?" I asked, turning to face her. She sighed.
"It's complicated." She answered carefully.
"Is it because of-"
"No." She didn't even allow me to finish my question. "It's just that, there are also some things you don't know about our pasts." Now it was my turn to listen patiently.
"Early on in his new life, Jazz was forced to do some horrible things," She swallowed hard, "It took so much for him to be able to escape that life, and he blamed himself for a long, long time. And sometimes, I think he still does."
"Oh." I looked down. Alice cupped my cheek, forcing me to look at her.
"And learning about what happened to you, and how you were blamed," She paused for a second, "I think it brought back some bad memories."
We didn't talk anymore after that. After I finished my bath Alice and I laid down. I drifted off to sleep quickly, but I felt when Jasper came back a few hours later, and held us close until the sun came up.