Lauren's Pov
October 28th
Dear dad,
I miss you every time i close my eyes . Sometimes, when i really concentrate , i feel a warm breeze against my skin and a cinnamon aroma fills my nose- reminding me of your love. I hope on the other side you haven't forgotten your little girl because there's not a day that i would forget about you . You left me too soon with out a goodbye and after 18 years , i forgive you for it . I know you had no control over it and if you could be here you would be .
I've dedicated my life to helping children like me and i hope that you're proud of who i've become . I'm a little stressed but slowly finding happiness. I met an amazing guy , i have Aniyah -you would've loved her and her family , and i even have a cat that you would've liked even though you hate cats. I would give anything for one of your bear hugs , your famous hot chocolate and your silly faces . I would give anything to hear your dad jokes , to get your kisses on the forehead , to go to the beach together and watch the waves .
When i get older and decide to have kids , i'll tell them all about how smart and amazing their grandfather was. I'll bring them to the beach and we'll watch the waves when they get frustrated. I hope you'll join me from the other side .
i miss you daddy .
- your little monster , Lauren .
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Dear Mom,
Moving through life without you as a black women has been horrible. I needed you and i'm sorry for holding so much resentment. I know dad was the love of your life but you left me and for a long time , i couldn't forgive you for that . I want you to know that i forgive you now and i hope you don't blame yourself . Watching dad die broke you as much as it broke me and as heavy as this makes my heart , i'm glad you guys are together again.
I miss our little talks and our secrets that i will forever keep with me. I never forgot them and will keep them in my memories. I wish you were here to give me advice on how to love , how to be loved because mom, i'm failing at this . I have people who want to be with me and i can't accept it because of my own stupid fears . I want the love that you and dad had and i wish you were here to tell me how you got it .
I promise if i woke up and saw you again i would never complain about the extra books you made me read , or the ponytail you used to strangle my curly hair with. I would listen to every word you said , engraving it in my mind . I would never complain again about eating the crust from the sandwiches or your sad attempt for me to make new friends. I wish i would've turned out more like you : Loving , nice , genuine, giving , social but i'm not and despite that , i hope you're still proud. I know you would shake your head at my fights , and my smoking and my sharp tongue but i hope you would see that inside - i'm still that terrified 8 year old girl who lost everything . I'm still angry and i know with time that goes away so always keep me in your heart from the other side.
i love you mama
- Lauren
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I spent last night crying myself to sleep . It felt good to put my words on to paper and i did feel some weight lifted off my shoulders. Axel offered to come from last night but i needed to do this alone and i couldn't take the pity stares right now. I layed in bed in my dad's sweater and looked over at the time.
5:30 am
Axels words ring in my ears 'I want you to call me the second you want me there okay princess?' and after much contemplation, i decided to call him
-Ringgg—
Axel picked up in the cutest sleepy voice
A: ...Yes Princess
L: Can you come get me please?
i felt so bad for waking him up but i knew i couldn't lay in this bed any longer.
A: ....i'll be there in 30 .
i got up and walked into the kitchen to make my dad's famous hot chocolate.
i'm surprised i still know how to make this , my dads 'secret recipe' must really be burned in my brain because the last time i made this was with him .
Taking a sip of my hot coco my eyes closed at the taste . It was just like his .
"Lauren ....Lauren ?? What are you doing up ?"
my eyes snap open to Aniyah's voice . I forgot she was a morning person .
"i made hot chocolate" i say simply . She knew this day was like a jack of all trades , i felt different every year .
She stared at me and then finally spoke
"Can i taste it ?"
"sure" i say shrugging .
Right now i felt hollow ; completely dead inside.
She walks over and she takes a sip from my cup
"Holy shit this is amazing!!" she yelled drinking more
To this i smiled , we all loved his hot chocolate.
"It was my dad's recipe, i haven't made it since he died" Aniyah gave a sad smile and then gave me a quick hug .
"I have to run out but call me if you need anything Chica okay ?"
"Okay"
After she left , i put the hot chocolate into 2 large thermo cups and went back to my room to throw on some leggings. I didn't care about makeup or looking cute , i just wanted to be comfortable. I slipped on some black flats and checked my phone for messages .
A: Outside
I grabbed the letters , my green bag and the hot chocolate and left the house with only my phone and keys in my sweater pocket . Axel stood against the car door as always and i couldn't help but smile as i see him . He takes the things from my hands and puts them on top of the car before pulling me in for a big hug .
Inhaling his scent, i immediately felt safe and warm in his arms. Tears streamed down my face like a rain shower and my body vibrated in sobs .
"I'm sorry i probably look a mess right now" i say sniffling and pulling away.
He stares at me for another moment
"Are you ready?" he replied
"i guess.."
We get in the car and he instinctively hands me his phone . I hesitate - I don't even know what i want to listen to right now .
"I'm okay"
His face contorts to shock and he puts his phone down in between us. In 30 minutes of driving in silence , we finally approached the beach.
I led him to our family spot and he watches in fascination as i expertly balance on the rocks and walk to the edge overlooking the waves . He soon follows me and sits down next to me.
"This is beautiful" he finally breaks the silence
"Yeah" it was , and i never knew how much i missed it until right now . I gave Axel the other thermo cup and watch impatiently as he takes his first sip .
"Babe ...This is the best hot chocolate i've ever tasted" i softly laugh at yet another compliment.
"I know, i should open a shop right ?" i reply jokingly .
By this time it's after 6am and the sun has almost fully risen casting a soft glow onto us. I go on my phone and play some music and spend the next few hours quietly laying against Axel's chest .
(A\N -
train wreck - James Author
Apple juice - Jessie Reyes
Ocean eyes - Billie eilish
Dancing with you ghost - Sasha Alex Sloan
Me in 20 years - Moses Sumney
Break - Jacquie
river - Leon Bridges
My Mind - Yebba)
He never says a word but just patiently held me securely . I appreciated that , i wasn't ready to speak just yet and i couldn't thank him enough for coming this early in the morning to be with me .
The waves are calm and soothing and i watch as they softly kiss the rocks around us . The beach is empty and it's just us here to soak up the beauty of nature . I close my eyes , breathing in the salty water and smile as my inner 8 year old girl stops crying for a second and smiles back .
I see her so vividly, almost as if i could reach out and touch her. I see how lonely she is , how broken and i wish i could pull her close and tell her that everything is going to be okay . I wish i could warn her of the bumpy road ahead , to tell her to stay strong , to hold her and protect her from all of her pain .
She watches me . For a second , she looks up at me , with her bloodshot eyes and she eyes the cup of Hot chocolate. Our hearts warm together , glowing a soft red and she slowly fades away contently .
Forgive Yourself Lauren , you did the best you could .
As if knowing , Axel pulls me closer . I let out a breath i didn't know i was holding and as i inhale again , i smell a soft cinnamon smell .
"Do you smell that?" i say softly and
he pauses for a second
"i smell ...the beach?"
"no not that-the other thing" i wanted to know if it was just in my head .
Am i dreaming?
"it smells like ....Cinnamon?" he asked confused. I can feel him look around trying to place where the scent came from and i smile out into the sea
"...Hi Dad"
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After that moment , i realized i didn't need to smoke and decided that i needed to feel whatever i felt . I read the letters and Axel listened, pulling me closer after ever sob , every tear , every pause . He listened and never made me feel bad for letting it all out . After reading both , i set the letters on fire and threw them in the ocean . Probably not the most nature-friendly thing but who cares .
I ended up singing my dad's favorite song before we left . Causing Axel to flood me with compliments about my voice in the car .
(His Eye is on the sparrow - Whitney Houston)
That day after getting some food , he took me back to his house and we spent the day in his bed watching movies. Out of all anniversaries, this was by far the best one and i couldn't wait to tell Dr.Rose that it actually worked this time . I felt almost free , happy even and for the first time in a long time - i found value in my life again.
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Halloween
On halloween Axel- Well really Lisa, threw a costume party downstairs in his building in a huge event room. I dressed as Harley Quinn with him as a sexy -Terrifying Joker . Cheesy i know , but if you think about it, Harley Quinn was originally a therapist like me and Axel was ...Well Axel so the crazy Joker Fit him perfectly. Aniyah came in as a sexy Doctor and Gio came as a Mental patient and let me tell you , after knowing Gio for a while now , that couldn't have been a more perfect choice for him. That man was insane.
I thought of the role play sex they would probably have after tonight in their costumes and i fantasized about my own role play ideas.
"What do you say we get out of here" i lean into Axel's ear seductively . Just so he got the message i pulled his head down to my height and began trailing kisses down his neck .
"You're playing with fire princess" he replies huskily as if he was holding himself back. His hands trailed down my fishnet stockings and gripped my ass pulling me closer to him .
I didn't want him to hold back on me, i wanted him to destroy me right now .
My eyes roamed down his fitted dress pants , his bulging muscles protruding through his shirt and i bit my lip looking into his eyes innocently. Any person with eyes could tell you how attractive this man was and the fact that he wanted me too turned me on even more . My body ached for him and i couldn't stop the words from pouring out of my mouth .
"Fuck me Sir.." i whispered in his ear while pulling back to look in his eyes.
His eyes snap closed and his jaw clenched so tight i thought it would fall off .
Giving some more torture, my hands trailed over his chest, lightly down his abs and before i could go any lower , his hand roughly grabbed my wrist holding it in place .
"You have no idea what you just did princess" he says darkly while kissing my cheek . His Eyes pierced my soul and were so evil i felt like i just made a deal with the Devil . An evil smirk rose on his face as he sees my inner panic.
did i have a death wish ? Yes, Yes i did .
Was i afraid after that ? ....Yes , Yes i was .
did i want to find out what that meant ? welp there was no turning back now .
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word count - 2233 words
Thank Goddddd finallyyyyyy. i been waiting patiently to do the 'Devil's Tango' and it's finally hereeeee yayyyy