There's only about a week before I leave to Atlanta for the table reading. My mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts since the moment they casted me into the show. I feel like I should be nothing but happy, but I'm not surprised that I still have doubts about going into this.
My parents have never really supported the decisions I made in life. Whether it was the little short films I'd create or music I'd want to perform to them. They would show little to no interest in my hobbies solely for the purpose of them thinking they were only hobbies. When they found out I was moving out to L.A before even considering college, they were irate. Not irate in a way they were yelling at me and telling me how disappointed they were, irate in the way they'd ignore me and leave shitty remarks about how unsuccessful I would be. When they ended up finding out they were wrong, they were still never adamant about telling me they were proud of even apologizing.
I don't even know if I want to tell them I got casted into a successful Netflix series.
I should feel excited to tell them, feeling the anticipation of their congratulating, but I just don't know if they'll give me the reaction I want. My expectations for going onto this show are high, with how much Jo talks amazingly about the cast and the experience, but they're also hung low knowing how easily I shut down when I'm around new people. Especially people who have grown up with each other and are familiar with each other.
What if they decide they don't like me and take me off in the middle of the season? What if they hate me so much that they kill me off right off the bat?
I wish I never got this role. It's done me more bad than it has good and I'm not sure if I can even keep up with everyone. I don't even have a manager or agent or any sort of professional acting experience, how the hell did I even get casted?
My phone rings. I flinch at the noise that didn't pertain to my thoughts, for a second I was completely consumed and thought it was my new reality. I sighed, picking up the phone that I had barely used in the past two weeks.
"Hello." I spoke, plopping myself back onto the couch I've been stationed at.
"What are you up to, today?" Jo's voice was now apparent to me after not even looking at the caller ID.
"Laying with Dix." I responded shortly, paying no mind to the fact he was about to scold me for doing nothing once again.
"I need help with something, come over?" He shuffled around over the call seeming somewhat frantic.
"Sure, is everything alright?" I sat up from my laying position on the couch and scratched the back of my head. I've known Jo for almost 3 years now and not once have I ever seen or heard of him being in distress.
"Yeah, I just can't find these notes I wrote down. I just had them yesterday!" The sound of papers scattering across the floor had now sent him over the edge.
I almost wanted to laugh at this, I don't really know how to deal or react to him being in this state.
"I'll be over in a bit, don't lose your shit too much." I let out a small laugh but he didn't find any of it funny. He huffed out a frustrated breath and hung up after replying quickly.
Jo's house was only about 10 minutes from my apartment. I always wondered what it was like never staying in one place for a long period of time. Jo would be home in L.A for certain amounts of time then off to a different state or city with the show and touring for his music. I had never been on a tour before, which is partly my fault for never expressing the fact I wanted to solely base my career off my own creations.
It's been a while since I've been at Jo's place, we were either at my apartment or out in the city somewhere. Everything still remains the same though. He's always been one for a modern outside and intricate inside, just like himself. The outside of his home is classic and clean, while the inside always remains filled with different colors and art pieces or music records all over the walls. I've always loved it, I couldn't deny that.
The door flung open before I had even made it onto the front porch. Jo stood with his arms up against the door frame, looking like he just ran 4 miles before I came here.
"Goodness, Jo. What's going on with you?" I now sped walked closer to him now seeing the severity of his issues. He shook his head and moved to the side, revealing all the scattered paper I heard fall over the phone. My eyes went wide and my jaw dropped at the messy sight.
"It's one piece of paper, one god damn piece of paper! Now I have this to worry about too." He threw his hands all over the place displaying the catastrophe within these walls.
I didn't want to freak out or add onto his stress with my reaction, so I just stepped over the papers and started pushing them into one big pile.
"Is there any distinction between these papers to find the one you're looking for?" I asked, now picking up wads of paper in my arms. I still hadn't put my stuff down yet which was making all of this so much harder.
He described to me what he was looking for, making me realize why it was so hard to find. There was a little drawing on the front to remind him of what it was which didn't seem to be working right now.
"Is this it?" I asked, picking up a piece of paper with some shapes and patterns drawn across it.
He sighs, placing his face into his hands with relief yet frustration.
"I forgot I left it there." He spoke with embarrassment. He smiled quickly before taking it out of my hands to finally appreciate it being found.
"So, here's what I'm thinking. I have the cover drawn out already, but I need some help figuring out the layout." He proceeds to show me the lyrics he's written and ideas for some of the production part.
"But, I'm no producer. But, you are." He smiles cheekily as he hands me the paper. I looked at him puzzled, not knowing when I had ever labeled myself as a producer in any way.
"I don't produce, I just sometimes make things that work. I don't have that kind of magic." I laughed still not believing he thought I'd be able to do this. I reached the paper in front of me for him to grab but he wasn't taking it any time soon. I groaned and rolled my eyes knowing that he was winning like always.
I shoved the now folded piece of paper into my purse and sat onto the couch, looking at the mess that has yet to be cleaned up.
"How are you?" Jo sat next to me. I didn't want to answer, I didn't know how to answer.
"I don't know." I responded honestly.
Jo knows pretty much everything there is to know about me. From my home life, to my family, to my interests, to my dislikes. He knows me inside and out and I'm wishing with everything in me that he will be able to know how I'm feeling without me even saying anything.
"Is it the fact you're leaving to Georgia in less than two weeks for a table reading?" I lazily moved my head that rested on the back of the couch to now face him.
"It's the fact that I don't even know how I'm leaving to Georgia in less than two weeks for a table reading." The words came out easier than I thought. I think actually talking about it aloud has cleared my head more.
He sighs and scoots closer to me. He rests his head on top of mine and our gaze is stuck on the mess on the ground.
"You got it for a good reason, a damn good one in fact," He never fails to make me feel good about myself, "You shouldn't doubt your talent, Eds."
I bit the inside of my cheek when I felt tears threatening to slip from my eyes. It's so hard being stuck in my head with such heavy thoughts. I don't even know why I do it to myself, I have people to talk to about things.
Well, I have Jo.
It's hard to speak things out into the world because it makes them real. It makes all the problems and doubts you've created in your head something that you actually have to deal with. It's worse than just thinking.
"I know. I just don't know how things will go." I shrug and shift my body up more on the couch from the weight of Jo's head pushing me down.
"You'll be great, I have zero doubts about that. Everyone will love you, I also have no doubts about that." I laugh softly at the thought of meeting everyone. I don't know why I perceive them as intimidating when half of them are kids, but it's just the bond aspect that scares me that I won't be apart of it. I have nothing to contribute.
"I haven't even told my parents." Jo's head now lifted from mine. I looked over to see him with his eyebrows drawn close to his face.
"Like you don't know my parents." I scoff and twiddle with my fingers anxiously. I don't know if Jo forgot about everything he knew about them or he thinks it's changed since I first told him.
"You should tell them, Eden. I know how they are based on what you've told me but they're still your parents." He pulled the card that I hate people pulling. I stood up from my seat and began to grab my things. I did not need to hear that right now.
"Woah, woah. Okay, I'm sorry." Jo objected to my exit by standing in front of me. He slowly grabbed my bag from over my shoulder and placed it in the same spot as before. I gave in easily, needing to hear him agree with my reasonings to make me feel better.
"It's not up to me, that's on you. But I'd really consider mentioning it. I mean, this is a big deal for you Eden. They will be happy for you and you need to hear that from them." His reasoning was acceptable. I did want to tell them, even if they didn't understand how big of a deal this show is. I just don't think I could bare any sort of disapproval from them.
"Thanks, Jo." I smiled, leaving him to do the same.
It's easy to become comfortable in a place you've spent so long in. It's easy to become used to your surroundings. What's not easy getting used to is the random things that jab into your life like a knife penetrating into skin. It makes you feel helpless, weak. It makes you feel like you can't breathe. What I've learned from my life so far is that those jabs in your life create structure. Structure creates strength and familiarizing how to overcome those jabs. But sometimes, the jabs are too impactful. They come too aggressive and it catches you off guard.
The biggest jab in my life so far is the night I told my parents I was moving across the country.
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sometimes i find myself typing out "steve" instead of "jo," it's seriously a problem.
do you know what cover jo was talking about for his song? hehe..