I still couldn't believe that Clyde beat me up as he did. I know I did some stupid stuff but he didn't have to take it that far. I know I should've never kissed Crystal right in front of Kennedy, I know, I should've never done that but I was drunk, She was pretty, who am I kidding, She's always pretty, she just kissed me back and then Kennedy came out on the porch, catching us both. I really didn't think he was going to try to commit suicide over it, but when Felix told me that Kennedy tried to kill himself again the day it happened, I was shocked to hear that he did it again, even if he had stitches in his arms, he cut himself again.
The room probably looked like a massacre had happened in there after he was done since he cut threw his stitches. I couldn't imagine how much pain Kennedy was in when he did that.
How come he didn't scream out? Did he not want any of us to hear him? I knew I haven't been the best to Kennedy, I knew deep down in my heart, that I wasn't.
I was just jealous of him and Crystal talking all the time and having the best time doing so. I was jealous, why was I jealous of my best friend? Then Clyde beat me up in front of the hospital. He blooded my mouth and made my nose bleed, I didn't blame him for beating me up. I deserved it.
I deserved all the things I went threw; Getting beaten up by Clyde for example, But my backstory was different. Yes, I know, I have said, I had bulimia when I was a teenager, but this is why I am the way I am.
My full name is Tobias John Johnson, I was born to Essdale and Sandy Johnson. My father left when I was a kid, well, when I was two, it was a year in a half after my younger sister, Amara was born, when he decided he wanted to leave. My mum was left to raise me and my sister, she tried her hardest when Amara and I were younger, I was a good kid, and never got into trouble, so, My mum decided to move us to America, I was only in the fourth grade when I moved; That's where I met Kennedy.
He and I have known each other for a long time more than I think about it. I also met Clyde too. We all basically grew up together, but we were different ages though. Clyde turned twenty-nine in June, Kennedy turned twenty-eight in January and I turned twenty-seven in April. I was the youngest of the three of us.
When we got into sixth grade, we met Felix, who, at the time, was an eighth grader. He was the oldest of the four of us, so, he was thirteen, Clyde was twelve, Kennedy was eleven and I was ten. I was the youngest I didn't care, I liked my friend group, don't get me wrong.
When Clyde, Kennedy, and I all were in eighth grade, Felix went to high school, we didn't see him until our freshmen year. He was overjoyed when he saw us for the first time, the first thing he said was, "Damn, Tobias, you're getting tall." Did I mention I was the shortest of the four of us? Well, I am, and they all used to pick on me about it, on second thought, Clyde and Felix did but Kennedy never did, he was the quiet one of the four of us, and he never talked. The only time I saw him speak was when we spoke to him or when he was called on by one of our teachers.
Kennedy was really shy in school, plus he wore long sleeves too since he was cutting himself during our high school years. Well, he wasn't the only one who was dealing with mental health.
I was too.
I struggled with Bulimia in our sophomore year, I refused to eat anything and if I did, I would end up throwing everything I ate up. Not only, was I the shortest and youngest, but I also was the thinnest of the four of us.
My mum was barely at home since she had a full-time job, she worked all the time and was never at home with me or Amara, I was Amara's babysitter until she became a teenager, where she was always with her friends, I was left at home by myself most of the time, and the two of them didn't know I was making myself throw up.
I would eat at school at lunch, so, Felix, Kennedy nor Clyde didn't find out about my struggles and as soon as I got home, It was right to the bathroom to throw up.
The first time I passed out was when Kennedy and I had gym class, We were doing the mile run, and Kennedy was ahead of me, he liked to run anyways since he always ran down the hallways at our high school since he was always late to some of his classes since his classes were weirdly arranged. He would have first period downstairs, second period upstairs, third period downstairs, fourth period upstairs, fifth downstairs, and so on. I had to force myself to run and catch up with him, and that's when I got really dizzy all of a sudden, I grabbed ahold of Kennedy, who was concerned with my actions.
"Tobias, you look pale." I remember Kennedy saying, "Are you okay?"
"I think s-so." my whole body felt like I was going to pass out and I did, Kennedy quickly grabbed me before I fell and he called for our gym teacher, who came running over to us, where I woke up to see Kennedy and our gym teacher over me. I really didn't know what had happened to me.
Kennedy walked me to the nurse to make sure I didn't pass out again. When I got to the nurse, She called my mum to let her know I passed out, my mum came to my school right away to pick me up, She gladly thanked Kennedy for looking after me before she got there. Have I mentioned that Kennedy was my mum's favorite? He was and is, She always loved it when I brought Kennedy home, She was glad I met a nice kid like him when she made any kind of baked good, she always gave Kennedy two, I didn't care, I needed to lose weight anyways at the time.
My mum took me to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed me with Bulimia, which shocked my mom the most. I knew I had it before I got diagnosed with it, I hated myself that day since my mum said, "Tobias, why didn't you say anything to me about this?"
"You were busy," I replied, I felt tears coming to my eyes, while we hugged. "I love you, Tobias John."
"I love you too, Mum." I cried on her shoulder. I knew I needed help and I knew for a fact that Need to tell Kennedy, Felix, and Clyde as well, so, they would know.
The following week, Kennedy asked me if I was okay after what happened in gym class that Friday and asked me what the doctor said, but I knew I had to tell him, I wanted to wait until we were all together at lunch. I did hate leaving Kennedy on like that, I really did, but I waited until lunch since I barely had any classes with Felix since he was a senior and Clyde had different classes than Kennedy and I did, but we all had the same lunch period, I told them that I had bulimia.
The three of them looked at me like I had six heads, Kennedy gave me a big hug and he cried, he couldn't believe I was bulimic, he said that he wished he saw the signs earlier and tried to help me but he didn't, since he was getting treatment for his depression and self-harm, Felix told me he would make sure I ate and Clyde was so shocked, he couldn't speak.
I was really glad they cared enough to stick by me this long, but Kennedy and I haven't been on the best terms since he and I both liked the same girl, I wasn't blaming the girl since the girl knows Felix, well, her name's Crystal James, a beauty, she's a very funny person and was a joy to be around but she didn't want to be around me since the whole thing happened to Kennedy.
Don't get me wrong, I felt really bad about kissing Crystal that day, I really didn't know would go and try to kill himself again as he did. I was drunk, completely shit-face but I knew it wasn't any excuse on my part, I know that being drunk could be anyone in their lifetime. I do drink, yes, I do but I got drunk off of some whiskey that Clyde had.
It was good, but the real reason why I kissed Crystal is that I wanted to kiss her before Kennedy did because I wanted to show him how I can get any girl or anything I want, and Crystal James was one of the things I wanted and Kennedy was standing in my way.
I never had my first kiss, I know certain people have their first kiss at different ages but I knew the day would never come. For a fact, no girl would ever want to kiss me. I'm not that handsome anyways, no girl would want me, no girl would kiss me, no one would want a trainwreck like me.
A trainwreck.
That's all I ever will be, I couldn't get any girl, I don't blame them, I wouldn't choose me either. the words to describe me are ugly, stupid, and worthless, I never thought anything positive of myself. Why would I think positively about myself? There was nothing good about me, I will never understand what made Crystal want to talk to me so much, I wasn't that interesting, but Crystal thought I was. Which didn't make any sense to me.
Why would such a nice girl want anything to do with a trainwreck like me? She didn't need me in her life to mess everything in it up like I do everything else.
Crystal and I were sitting on the porch, where we always have our conversations when she looked down at my arm, where my scars were, I got my stitches out a week ago, and now, I had more scars on my arms. Which I was so used to anyways, I know I should've never done that but I did and I regret it.
"So, can you tell me something?"Crystal asked, I looked at her. "What is it?" I replied, She took my hand. "I know, this is going to be hard for me to ask but can I..." She stopped in the middle of her sentence. I knew what she meant, this conversation was different than the other ones we usually have, but I knew she was really worried about me since she's been down here, I knew Felix was trying to make sure she was having a good time but I ruin it like I ruin everything else.
"Sure you can." I rolled up my sleeves, showing my arms that had many scars on them from when I was battling really bad depression in high school and from recent events, she was shocked while she looked at my arms. A wave of sadness came over her face. "You have been threw a lot." She said, finally after a moment of silence. "I know," I replied, looking down. "Why did you do this to yourself?"
"Because I deserved it." I felt tears come to my eyes. "No, you don't, Kennedy." She looked at me, her eyes melt threw me all the time. "You didn't deserve anything that you went threw."
"Yeah, I kinda do." I felt a hand on my face. "Look at me when I talk to you." She said, "You are a great guy." She always said that to me, I couldn't believe her words, when she did say it to me, I never thought I was a good guy, who would want a guy like me?
"I'm not a great guy, I ruin everything, I ruined your visit down here, I ruined it, I'm sorry I did, I probably ruined your life."
She put a hand to my face. "You didn't ruin my life." Her hand was cold while it was on my face, colder then ice. "And if you did ruin my life, I wouldn't have mind you doing so." I blushed.
"Crystal."
"Yes?"
I took a deep breath before I began to speak again. "How could a girl like you ever want anything to do with a trainwreck like me?" I asked, "How can you want a person like me in your life? I am a horrible person, I'm a trainwreck, why would you want me?"
Crystal looked at me. "Kennedy, why can't you ever believe me." Her eyes were glossy with tears. "You're not a trainwreck, you're not a horrible person, you are the nicest guy I ever met, and these," She took my arm, holding it up to me. "Show me how much you been threw and you're still alive and you're still fighting your inner demons and that's what I like about you, you are a badass, Kennedy." I couldn't believe she said that about me, I leaned in and she got the message and she leaned in where our lips met, I couldn't believe it, I had my first kiss ever and I had it with the girl I fell in love with even though we had known each other for about a month.
We pulled away from each other. "Thank you for that, I never had my first kiss before." I said, looking at her.
"I'm glad I'm your first kiss." She replies.
"KENNEDY, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
I looked over to see my best friend. "Tobias."