SOMETIMES, HELENE WONDERED WHERE it had all gone wrong. Perhaps misfortune had kissed her the moment she had been born or perhaps it had wrapped itself around her throat the first time her mother had hit her. There never had been an image of a perfect family which had crumbled for her. She knew exactly how cruel her parents were as soon as she was able to understand anything at all. That was the curse of her cleverness, the fact that she was never allowed the ignorance of youth.
If she had ever been allowed to smile widely and gap-toothed, maybe it wouldn't ache this much to pretend to be happy. Either way, she had been a miserable child who had grown in a miserable adult. All the knowledge she gained during her years of studying didn't ease her heart, but at least it kept her from thinking. She hadn't been noble in her pursuit of medicine and she wasn't noble now, standing in the pouring rain, as she was told her only friend was a traitor.
"I'm sorry, Helene," Nathan said, his smile still playing on his lips," I didn't want you to find out like this."
Her gaze flicked towards him, lingering on the way all the muscles in his hand were tensed as he gripped the pistol tighter. How much self-restraint was it taking for him not to shoot right now? He couldn't though. The both of them knew that. Even if he would've done something like that easily at the beginning, he didn't want to lose her now. Whether it was love, obsession or something else, that didn't matter. In the end, he'd do anything to keep her close, even if that meant having to convince her so he could end a life.
"Don't tell me you believe him, Helene?" Dante said, voice growing louder as he spoke," why would I have lied to you until now? What reason would I have for being the mole?"
"Stop it, Dante," Nathan chuckled," you're only digging a deeper hole. After years of feeling like you have a lack of control over your life, I wasn't surprised you took the offer to help. I'd give you cash, so you could get away from your overbearing mother and process your grief on your own, you'd give me easily accessible information. It was a good deal for you."
"Like our day to day interactions," Helene remarked.
"Right," Nathan said," I only wanted to know more about you, Helene. The time you were visiting me wasn't enough, not by far. I needed to know more about you, about the way you were outside of your role as a psychiatrist. You intrigued me so much, I couldn't sleep while thinking about you."
She wasn't surprised at the reveal that someone had been keeping tabs on her, but the fact that it had been Dante strangely ached. Though he didn't owe her anything, she had trusted him in her own way. He had seen her with Zion, shown her a consideration she hadn't felt before. At least with Nathan she had known who he was when she had given him her heart ripped straight out of her chest. With Dante, she always had believed he was sincerely good.
"He's lying, Helene!" Dante exclaimed, almost desperately," please, why would I take any deal like that? Don't you know me?"
"I don't think anywhere is safe either when you're surrounded by monsters."
She spoke the words absentmindedly, not bothering to look at Dante's or Nathan's expressions. Whatever expression they would have wouldn't change a thing about the situation. That sentence was burned vividly in her mind though, from the time she had said it to Dante to the time it had been repeated back to her by Nathan. Did she know Dante? She didn't even know herself.
Why would she start grasping at straws to defend someone, only for it to break her heart? Besides, was she even allowed to be angry at this? After all, no one owed her anything. Even if he had been a spy, he had been kind. Wasn't that the most important thing? Either way, she had learned Nathan's past from a binder as well without his permission, so it was only fair that he knew hers as well. Even if that included the present, it was fine. How else would he have gotten to know her as well as he did now? The end justified the means, ultimately.
"Stop talking," Nathan said, voice cold despite his warm expression," can't you see you're disgusting Helene?"
"He's not," Helene said, turning her eyes towards him," you're not. I don't hate you, Dante, I don't even blame you. You were just doing what you needed to survive. Why does it matter if the cost for that was to repeat a few of my words?"
Dante's eyes widened in surprise, but she truly meant it. How could she burn with an emotion she never had been allowed to have before? Even if she could forgive herself for feeling, what use was it to hold onto anger now? There were so few moments left to live and so many she had already spent unloved. From now on, she'd do it right. Besides, how could she be mad at someone who was risking his life trying to save her?
"It's fine, Nathan," she said," I'm not angry. Please, let him go. I want to head back inside, it's gotten cold."
"Helene?" Dante called out, alarmed.
He quickly moved to get to his feet to stop her, but Nathan swiftly pushed him back down again, slamming his pistol against the side of his head. Dante winced, but froze back in place once he felt the weight of the cool metal rest again. Though Nathan didn't show it, Helene could see he was shaken, his gaze flicking from the pistol to her.
"Why aren't you angry?" he said," I want you to be, Helene. You're allowed to show all those emotions around me. I want you to be able to scream, to snap, to do anything you want. Don't you feel safe with me?"
"I do," she said," and that's why I want to go back to our home, Nathan, to return to that safety net of mine. I'm afraid that if we stay outside any longer in this chill, we won't be able to step inside again."
She could feel it in the air, the tension right before something snapped. Didn't Nathan understand? There was nothing she couldn't forgive him for, but if they stayed in this storm for a second more, they both could disappear with the rain. This dream they had carefully concocted together could only exist if the world consisted of the two of them. When everything would become real, all she would become was consumed with fear. A woman made of hot air clashing with the cold reality, until she shattered like glass.
"Of course we will, Helene," Nathan said," it's us. We can do anything we want. Can't you see how much I want you to be free to do so as well? What does a man like this matter, one who betrayed you so he could further himself?"
"It's no different than what the world has done to me," she said," why should I be angry at him when everyone does the same thing? You're the only one who understands me, Nathan, so let him go. You said we wouldn't play games anymore and I told you I wouldn't lie. I'm telling the truth here. Please, keep your promise."
"This isn't a game I'm playing, Helene," Nathan said, but he wasn't seeing clearly through the jealousy, his words escaping so quickly that even the rain couldn't catch them. "You and I both know that if I let this man go, he'll come back to save you regardless, only this time with reinforcements. The guilt of lying to you is clearly consuming him to the point of recklessness and I can't lose you. I won't. Not after everything I went through to finally have you by my side, not now I know what it feels like to have you here."
She swallowed, because Nathan was right. If Dante had risked it all to come here to begin with, he wouldn't leave without saving her. After all he had been through with his sister, he had vowed never to feel that powerless again when he could help someone. Though she wanted to tell Nathan she'd convince Dante to leave, she couldn't find the words when she looked her friend in the eye. Despite the gun aimed at his head, despite being drenched in the rain, he still looked at her ever so clearly, like there never had been a question about it to begin with.
"He's right," Dante said," I won't leave unless it's with you. If he lets me go, I will come back to find you, no matter how many times it takes. I will not leave you here by yourself, Helene. You can't self-destruct. I won't allow it."
"Stupid," she whispered, her tears and the rain mingling.
If it had been anyone else, she could've managed to get him out of here alive. Why wasn't Dante willing to lie, even when it put his life at risk? Why was he here to begin with, when he could have easily forgotten about her like the rest of them? He wouldn't have. Those morals of his he never compromised were so clear to her again that it was hard to look away. So unwavering, even in the face of death. She could never be like him, someone who would never change, even if the whole world wanted him to.
"I didn't do it, Helene," he said," I'm not the mole, but if I was, I would want you to be angry at me. Don't forgive me as easily as that if I had been lying to you all this time. Don't be that kind to me." He breathed out, voice quieter. "It breaks my heart."
"Do you really think Helene would believe you over me?" Nathan said amusedly, raising an eyebrow.
"Why would I lie?" Dante said, holding onto her gaze," you know him as well as you do me, Helene. Draw your own conclusion at who would have the most to gain at this game."
"This isn't a game," Helene said," Nathan promised he wouldn't play one anymore."
"He's a psychopath who will do anything not to lose you," Dante spat," can't you see that?"
Nathan grabbed Dante's hair and pulled it back roughly, so he faced the sky. When he placed the gun against Dante's forehead, her friend finally seemed at peace.
"I don't mind," he said," do it, Parker. It has been a long time coming, but now I get to return to Eloise. I finally get to apologize."
"Nathan, don't!" Helene exclaimed, her voice piercing through the air at the same time as the thunder.
"When you said we were friends," Dante smiled softly," I was really happy, Helene."
And then Nathan shot him.