Sometimes, the reality is way scarier than any nightmare, and my childhood absolutely proved that fact.
Parang movie 'yon na naka-auto repeat every time na natatapos, then it would leave me with pain, shock, and fear no matter how long it has been since it happened.
We lived in Zamboanga City, but nasa village kami. Wala kaming permanent address before kasi palipat-lipat ang parents namin ng work. Si Mum, weekly may flight from Zamboanga to Cebu. Si Dad, sa Manila naman to work on his growing company. Being with our parents would always equate to holidays for us. Kapag nasa bahay sila, ibig sabihin, holiday. Walang work. Walang gagawin kundi mag-outing. Ganoon namin sila ka-rare makasama, na parang dinadalaw na lang kami kapag libre sila.
Kampante ang parents ko sa village kung saan kami nakatira kasi kilala naman kami roon, especially we were backed by the Mendozas and Argentes. May connection sa military si Tito Ferdz and si Mum. Governor ang lolo ni Mat. Exclusive subdivision iyon pero malapit kami sa may gate, unang corner kami at kitang-kita ang bahay namin mula sa labas.
I was in Grade 2, Friday of mid-March when it happened.
The afternoon sun wasn't that prickly on the skin as compared to now. I was sneaking in Kuya's room kasi ang dami niyang toys. Ayaw niya akong pumapasok sa room niya kasi alam niyang mangingialam ako.
I took Mr. D, his favorite dino plushie, then his Voltes V action figure and a military toy car. Kuya Matthias liked playing with me kasi wala akong ibang kalaro. Since I didn't want Kuya Ronie to kick me literally, pumunta ako sa labas ng bahay namin para hindi niya ako maabutan. Kuya Matthias's house was three houses away from us. Hindi nga malayo kung tutuusin.
I carried all the toys in my chubby arms as I ran outside the house while shouting, "Kuya Maaaat! Play ta!"
Eight years old, I only stood three feet nine and couldn't understand any language aside from English, Bisaya, and a bit of Tagalog. I was a chubby kid way back then, and our neighborhood wouldn't question my family's capacity to feed me kasi nakikita naman sa katawan ko.
I ran towards the second house when an arm grabbed me from behind.
"P're, ikot! Baka maabutan tayo!"
And the only words I shouted were, "Mr. D!"
Kuya's dino plushie landed on the asphalt road. Nakailang gulong iyon hanggang sa mapuno ng alikabok. Kuya Ronie would definitely punch me in the face once he saw his dino plush rolling on the road full of dirt.
"Mr. D! Kuyaaaa!"
The arm didn't let go of me. Pumalag ako pero buhat-buhat lang ako ng malaking lalaki.
Mula sa gate namin, nakita ko si Kuya galing sa bahay. Nakasuot pa nga siya ng uniform pero nakaalis na ang mga butones ng blouse.
"Kuya, heeeelp!"
Ang sama ng tingin sa akin ni Kuya, sunod sa mga laruan niyang nasa kalsada.
May scary na mamâ na tumatangay sa akin, pero isa-isang pinulot ni Kuya ang mga laruan niya sa kalsada saka ako tiningnan nang masama. He didn't move. Hinayaan lang niya ako.
"Kuyaaaa!"
Then the man threw me inside the back part of an owner-type jeep. Bukas na bukas ang halos buong sasakyan kaya hindi mahirap makita ang loob.
"Kuyaaa!"
The car already moved, and no one was around dahil hindi madalas lumabas ng bahay tuwing hapon ang matatanda roon sa village. Madalas, tulog nang ganoong oras. I had no idea about the village's guard, not really sure if it was an inside job or something.
A hand cover my mouth pero kinagat ko agad. He was cursing words na hindi familiar sa akin, then the moving car stopped after a loud thud.
"Sab!"
Lumingon ako sa left side and I saw Clark, throwing huge rocks at the car's windshield. And rock means a four-kilo rock na kayang maka-cause ng head injury. It was as huge as a volleyball and deadly na kung tutuusin.
The car's windshield formed a huge crack after he threw two rocks at it.
May tatlong lalaking bumaba ng sasakyan. I tried to jumped out of the car, pero sinuntok ako ng lalaki at may ginawa pa siyang hindi ko na nakita hanggang matumba ako sa loob.
I cried so hard that moment. Natanggal ang isang molar tooth and my right fang sa lower jaw kaya pagbangon ko, parang wala nang nararamdaman ang right cheek ko at dumudugo na rin ang bibig ko.
"Kuyaaaa! Heeeelp!"
I was begging anyone to help us. I jumped out of the jeep and rolled to the ground. I bleed too much on the road and dirt started to cover my arms and legs.
Mula sa harapan, nakita ko pa kung paano pukpukin ng bato sa ulo si Clark ng isa sa mga bad guy. Then ang isa sa kanila, may hawak na kutsilyo at sinaksak siya sa likod nang dalawang beses.
I was shouting like crazy. Para akong nanonood ng horror movie na bawal kong panoorin
Sigaw lang ako nang sigaw ng kahit na anong salita para makita kami ng ibang tao.
But Clark didn't budge. He faced that man and kicked him on the stomach and tried to grab the knife. His white uniform turned red and brown. Pinunasan niya ang noo niya at napuno ang kamay niya ng maraming dugo.
A guy pulled out a gun and pointed it at Clark's head, but he was too slow—or maybe Clark was too fast. Naagaw 'yon ni Clark and he was the one who clicked it and fired at the bad guy's leg.
I screamed with terror and I could still remember the metallic taste of blood in my mouth after I lost two of my teeth.
Clark fired it thrice on the jeep's wheels. And when he was about to fire it on the rear tire near me, he caught me watching him with fear as he held the gun. His head and chest, bleeding. His bloody eyes were full of wrath, and that was the first time I saw him with the intent to kill.
"Kuyaaaa!"
The bad guys ran afterward to escape. Flat na ang gulong nila, and we could hear the sirens going near.
Clark clicked the gun and the magazine fell from it, then he threw the gun somewhere and ran toward me.
"Ssshh . . . it's okay, Sab." He was checking every part of my body. Hinubad niya ang blouse niyang dumudugo at ipinunas sa bibig kong dumudugo rin. "Dadalhin ka ni Kuya sa ospital, huwag nang umiyak, hmm?"
"Sakit akong ngipon . . ."
He didn't answer me. He carried me in front of him saka siya tumakbo habang buhat ako. Niyakap ko siya nang mahigpit para lang hindi na ako makuha ng ibang bad guys. It was the only hope I had during that minute and his arms meant safety for me.
My hands rested on his back, my chin on his right shoulder, and when I looked at my palm, it was bleeding too much—Clark was bleeding too much.
I screamed a lot louder until I passed out.
Since that day, every time na mapapanaginipan ko 'yon, I always woke up in the middle of night, screaming and crying and checking my hands if they were bloody. Hindi ako kumakalma hanggang walang yumayakap sa akin gaya ng huling pakiramdam ko bago ako mawalan ng malay kasi pakiramdam ko, hindi ako ligtas.
And it was another night without nightmares kahit pa wala akong sleeping gummies. But I woke up early kasi ang init. Sobrang off ng feeling. Probably because the bed wasn't that huge, and the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Clark sleeping. Si Kuya Ronie ang lagi kong kasamang matulog, at ilang beses ko ring nakasama si Clark ever since maging civil kami sa isa't isa.
But this time, there was something different about our situation. Hindi na siya basta kuya lang.
Tinitigan ko siyang mabuti. Medyo nakabuka ang bibig niya, pero hindi naman nakanganga. His lashes and brows are thick, at ang bango pa rin niya. He smelled what comfort was like. His left arm was wrapped around my shoulder habang nakapaling ako paharap sa kanya. He still wore a shirt and shorts, and it was really nice of him na kahit katabi niya ako sa kama, hindi ko nararamdaman na may masama siyang intensiyon—contrast sa kung ano ang tingin sa kanya ng ibang kakilala kong kilala siya bilang greenminded na lalaki.
Ang guwapo ni Clark sa malapitan. Or maybe I was just fond of him mula pa noon.
"Clark . . ." mahina kong pagtawag sa pangalan niya. Hindi naman siya sumagot. "Clark . . ."
His brows were wrinkled. "Hmm?"
"Ang init."
Lalo pa siyang sumimangot saka pumaling patalikod sa akin. Sinundan ko pa ng tingin, akala ko, aalis siya, pero kinuha lang niya ang remote ng AC. That was when I realized na pinatay pala niya. Biglang tumunog paglapag niya ng remote sa nightstand na katabi lang din niya.
"Aga pa, alas-kuwatro pa lang," reklamo niya at pumaling na naman paharap sa akin. Pero imbes na yakapin ulit ako, ipinang-unan na lang niya ang kaliwang kamay niya sa pisngi saka ako tiningnan. Halatang kagigising lang niya, namumungay pa kasi ang mata.
"Nakatulog ka nang maayos?" mahinang tanong niya, at basag na basag pa ang boses, sumasabay sa lamig ng air con, sa wakas.
"Uhm-hmm."
"Buti." Pumaling pa ulit siya at dumapa na sa kama. Nasa itaas na ng ulo niya ang magkabila niyang braso at nakadantay sa unan habang nakapaling nang kaunti ang mukha sa akin.
Not that I was expecting him to hug me back, but he wasn't taking advantage of the situation.
Or my overthinking self was like, maybe he already had a night with you, Sabrina, and he didn't want to sleep with you ever again.
"Clark, are you avoiding me?" I said, almost in a whisper.
From his position, he opened his left eye just to look at me with a question on his expression. "Hmm?"
Hindi ako nakasagot. I didn't want to repeat my question kaya humarap na lang ulit ako sa may pader nang masama na naman ang loob.
It was confusing me. He was confusing me. Everyone was saying I should wait for him, and here he was, unsure if he would keep me or push me away.
"Bakit na naman?" naiirita niyang tanong.
Hindi ako sumagot.
Although he already informed me na ayaw niya akong pakasalan, but everyone was saying otherwise. I didn't know who to listen to anymore. Even si Kuya na inaasahan kong kokontra in the first place told me na bigyan muna ng space si Clark since he was adjusting himself.
Bakit lahat sila favored kay Clark habang nalilito ako kung saan ako lulugar?
"Sab . . . ano na naman 'yang drama mo?"
He said his no for so many times. Dapat hindi na ako mag-expect. Yet, paano ako makakapag-decide kung halos lahat ng nakapaligid sa amin, hindi naman nagno-no para sa kanya?
I heard him sigh, and I felt his arm wrap around my waist. His body heat followed behind me, and I could feel his warm hug in the coldness of the room.
"Don't tell me, nag-o-overthink ka na naman?" he whispered in my ear, and chills ran down my spine. I took a deep breath, and my eyes widened a bit after I felt something hard teasing my hips.
I bit my lip and tried to avoid bawdy thoughts about him, but I failed because it was Clark.
From the bloody-faced boy holding a gun, my mind shifted to a guy biting his lip as he played with his shaft. Only he could shift my horror into fantasy.
I gulped so hard, and I was tempted to ask him for a morning sexy time pero walang malisya.
Ang hirap maging single, nakakainis. Sana si Kuya na lang ang katabi ko para hindi ako nate-tempt nang ganito. Isang sapok lang n'on sa noo ko, tahimik na ulit ang imagination ko para magising ako sa katotohanan.
Wrong move talagang yakapin ako, nakakainis.
I turned around to face him, and I caught him wondering why I did.
"Bakit?" tanong niya.
Wala akong sinabi. Tinitigan ko lang siya, umaasang mage-gets niya ang tingin ko.
Ilang months akong nakakulong sa shop and I felt so neglected. I wanted to feel loved kahit sa ganito lang.
"Huwag kang magpa-cute, para kang timang." Saka niya ako tinapik sa gilid ng noo.
"Aww!"
Sinampal ko rin siya nang mas malakas sa pisngi.
"Ay, grabe siya!" Hawak-hawak niya ang kaliwang pisngi habang nakatitig sa akin at nagtataka.
Wala talaga 'tong sense pakiusapan!
"Buti nga maging single ka forever, deserved!" sabi ko at tumalikod na sa kanya saka ako sumiksik sa pader.
Nakakasira ng mood, 'kainis.
♥
Early bird si Kuya, and his barkada named him that for being that kind of person. It started yata when Inday Sita raised Kuya in Cebu, when my Mum was busy with his business that time. Dapat bago pa tumilaok ang manok, gising na ang lahat, and that means four in the morning, dapat ready to go na. Doon ko lang narinig na tanghali na ang 5:30 ng umaga.
Five in the morning, naabutan ko na si Kuya na nagluluto ng breakfast while everyone was still asleep.
Nilapitan ko siya nang pasekreto habang nasa tapat siya ng kalan. Niyakap ko siya mula sa likod saka isinubsob ang mukha ko sa likod niya.
"Good morning, baby," he greeted. "How's your sleep?"
"You call Jae baby?" I asked first. I thought he called Jaesie 'Da.'
"You're the only baby here, Sab."
"How did you know it was me?"
"Jae would check the food first before me."
"Kawawa ka naman, Kuya. Food is life talaga sa asawa mo."
I felt him chuckle. "No nightmares again?" he asked again.
"Nah. But Clark's an asshole, as always."
I could feel Kuya's smile kahit hindi ako nakaharap sa kanya. "I bet he didn't touch you."
"He hugged me, though."
"As he should."
"But no kisses or cuddles. Boring."
"As he should."
I automatically peeked at him saka ko siya pinagdudahan ng tingin. "Did you tell him na bawal ang sexy time with me?"
"I did."
Napalo ko tuloy si Kuya sa dibdib niya. "Grabe ka sa 'kin!"
Then he pointed the spatula in my face. "I trusted Clark to sleep with you since you didn't bring your gummies and that's my fault for taking you here without those. And if he's being an asshole for not taking advantage, then I should be thankful. Don't give Clark a hard time, please lang. Hindi madali para sa kanya ang mga ipinagagawa ko."
"E, bakit mo pa inuutusan?"
"Because I can't trust anyone else aside from him pagdating sa 'yo. By the way, maligo ka na. Kapag nagising na sila, hindi ka na makakaligo agad."
"Wala akong damit."
"Katukin mo si Jaesie sa room namin. Nasa bag ang damit mo."
"How many did you bring?"
"One pair is enough, Sabrina. Wala ka sa fashion show."
"Grabe ka talaga, Kuya. Hindi mo man lang ginawang limang pairs para may option ako? You still can't pass being my brother."
He smacked my left leg and pointed to the hallway. "Do it or you'll regret it kapag nagising na sila."
I rolled my eyes and slapped his hip harder. "Jae must be proud. She owns your ass now."
"Don't put your issues on my butt, kid. Take a bath or I'll drown you in the pool."
"I'll ask Clark to take a bath with me, bleh!" I stuck my tongue out and laughed at Kuya.
♥♥♥