Teegan
It's the first week of October and it feels like the time is flying by.
The season is changing, which feels just right to me. I love fall. Sweaters and leggings and coffee is the best combination. I love when the leaves change and everything feels different in the air. Summer is still right there in my mind, but it's gone. Cohen's right there in my mind all the time, too.
I like being busy. I have a whole day of classes three days a week. The other two days, I work at the library. But it's become my routine to call Cohen when I'm walking back to the dorm to when I'm already tucked into bed. Usually it's two or three times a week. I wish it was more.
Having him back in my life - even though it's merely through video chats and phone calls - has made me feel complete again. We haven't talked about visits, yet. We haven't talked about "us", exactly. He says he loves me. I know he does. He tells me about his day and he asks about mine. My heart aches for him, so I know I still feel those things for him that I did in the summer, when we were together. I just don't know how to tell him. I don't know if committing to a long distance relationship while I'm in my first year of college is a good idea.
"You literally light up when you talk 'bout him," Gia, my roommate tells me, one Friday evening.
We're waiting for Kiara to get here so we can head out to a party - I have agreed to once a month parties with Kiara, who would go out every week if I let her.
"Well... he's pretty amazing. We really clicked and, I mean, we were planning to stay together, you know, long distance..." I go on, even though we are only talking about Cohen because she asked why I was spacing out.
I've been thinking about him a lot lately.
"So, get back together!" Gia yells, then laughs. "Like I'm one to talk. I broke up with Keith before I left to come here. We were together for two years."
Gia's only talked about her ex a few times with me. The first time, she was crying into her pillow, sobbing about how much she misses him. But Gia is from Georgia and Keith was staying in state for college, while Gia applied to NYU and got accepted.
"It's not as simple as getting back together," I tell Gia, then sigh. "We're okay right now. But I left and we were in a weird place and who knows when we'll even see each other-"
"Take a breath, girl." Gia's smiling at me, but I can feel like she's about to say something important. "I've only known you a month and I can tell you love this guy. I can feel it. All you can have to do is try."
I take a breath, but I'm not ready yet. "Why didn't you try, then. With Keith?"
"Keith and I weren't end game. We were together so long because it was easy, but we were already growing apart during senior year," Gia says easily. "It wasn't even that hard to leave."
"Well... it was hard for me to leave Avila when I did," I say, without really thinking.
"See? You and Cohen are not like Keith and me," Gia says, just as the door opens and Kiara appears.
"Let's go bitches!" she yells, and then reaches out for my hand.
"We're in a deep conversation here," Gia tells her, but burst out laughing.
"Without me? God," Kiara says, pretending to be mad.
"Teegan's going to tell Cohen she wants to get back together," Gia goes on.
"Wait, what? I know you've been talking, but I didn't think... really?" Kiara asks me, looking far too serious now.
"I might... talk to him about us. Like, the future, of us," I tell my best friend.
She's hugging me before I can even finish my sentence. "Finally!"
"Okay, well, let's go to this party," I change the subject, unenthusiastically.
"Get pumped! Maybe you'll even drink tonight!" Gia laughs.
I shake my head, following the two of them into the hallway. "Not likely."
College parties are okay. I mean, I know they would be a lot more fun if I was into it more, but I'm not. I'm there for support for Kiara and Gia, who love to party. I'm there to get them home safe. I'm there to cut them off if they've drank too much. But as I watch around the room as Kiara flirts with the same guy she's been flirting with for a few weeks - they laugh, he kisses her cheek - I feel something very different. Jealousy. I miss that physically connection. But I don't want it with just anyone. I want Cohen.
The next few days pass as usual. I talk to my mom, and to Oscar, who tells me all about first grade. I tell them I'm doing great and college is good and I'm taking care of myself. My mom says she never doubted it for a second.
It's mid week the next week when I talk to Cohen again, besides a few texts. He must be busy getting on with his life, sort of like I'm doing. Except I'm not moving on, because I miss him so damn much. It's definitely time to tell him.
Cohen: Tell me when you're ready to chat. I want to video call.
I'm walking home from the library, just after 9P.M. It's dark out already and I'm glad it's a short walk across campus from the library to my dorm building. Once I'm inside and going up the stairs to my room, I text him back.
Just give me five minutes.
I toss off my jacket and rearrange my bed a bit so it doesn't look so messy, and then pull my hair out of the very messy bun it was in all day. After running my fingers through it, it looks okay. Then I hear the door open and Gia comes in from the hallway.
"Hey," she says happily. "How was your day?"
"Good. I'm exhausted. I'm just waiting for Cohen to call," I tell her, leaning back against the wall.
"Oh, okay. I'm just going to be over here, studying," Gia finishes, but smirks at me.
I watch her as she crosses the room and plops down onto her own bed, just as my phone starts ringing.
"Hey," I answer right away, smiling because he can see my face.
I reach out and prop my phone up on a pillow so I don't have to hold it the whole time.
"Hey," he repeats, but he looks nervous for some reason.
His hair is a bit longer than I remember and it's sort of dark where he is, so I can't see his eyes that well.
"What's up? How are you?" I ask him, hoping he's okay. I'm just glad to hear from him, and see him.
"I'm good, actually. I just really wanted to talk to you." Still, he sounds nervous. Anxious, maybe.
"I'm glad you're doing well, Cohen," I say, because I don't know what else to say.
"Seriously? You're glad I'm doing well?" he asks suddenly.
"What? I am glad," I tell him, but then shrug.
"I miss you so much, Teegan." This comes out fast, and then he takes a breath before going on. "I miss your face and your smile and how you make me feel better every time I hear your voice."
My heart slams against my chest. "I miss you too, Cohen. So much. I just didn't want to make this harder, I guess."
He sighs, and I feel like the rest of this conversation can go one of two ways. Maybe this moment is our chance to really change whatever it is between us.
"Well, I have a proposition," Cohen finally says.
I swallow hard. "Okay?"
"You have to be on board. You kind of have to be all in, actually. Because I am, but I really don't know if you are at this point. We've been talking a lot and I know you miss me, but-"
"Okay?" I repeat, wondering where he's going with this.
"My grandparents live in Bridgeport, Connecticut. It's so far from here and we only see them about once a year... but it's under two hours from New York," he tells me, which feels random.
My heart rate hasn't slowed down since I answered the call and as I'm realizing what he's saying now, it actually somehow beats faster. "Okay," I say, for the third time.
"They are always saying they wish they got to see me more often, and then they called me last week, and... they pretty much gave me an open invitation to stay with them."
"Stay with them?" I repeat. "You mean, live with them?"
"I do. They want me to apply to colleges and said they'll pay for it... so I might end up starting next term," he goes on. "In Connecticut. Or New York."
"Cohen! You better not be joking right now!" I yell, my heart now slamming against my chest again.
"I'm not joking. I mean, it's all sort of crazy, I know that. But I'd love to go to college and I want to be closer to you, and... I like Connecticut." His eyes are brighter now and he's smiling.
"I've never been," I tell him, trying to remain calm.
"Well... I might get on a plane this weekend. But I would never do it without knowing you want me there. Closer. So we can..."
"God, Cohen. Yes!" I shout, then look over at Gia. She's trying hard to mind her own business.
"Really? Yes?" Cohen asks, because I know he wants to be sure.
"Yes. I want you to be two hours from me. I want to see you every weekend and I want to... kiss you and hug you," I tell him, pretty much for the first time since I left Avila beach.
"You want to kiss me?" he repeats. He looks so freaking cute that I wish he was with me right now. "You've been a bit hot and cold with me since you've been away, so I wasn't sure-"
"Cohen, you nut. I love you."
His expression changes and he grins so big I can see all of his teeth. Gia squeals from across the room, and I laugh because I didn't really think I'd be telling him this right now. Today.
"Fuck, I love you Teeg," he responds, finally.
"So, you're actually going to be in Connecticut this weekend?" I ask him, my mind racing. I might get to see him in just a few days.
"Yeah. For the weekend." He nods, and I think he's trying to stay calm, too.
"And when... would be permanent?" I want to know.
He's grinning again, or still. "You want me to be there permanently?"
"Obviously I do. We could take a bus and be together every weekend," I say, already thinking about how amazing that would be.
"God, Teeg. You just made me so happy," Cohen answers. "My grandparents said I should come for a weekend to see how I like it. But I already know how I'll like it. I have a concert to go to with Rex next week in L.A., but after that... I can pack some stuff and move to Bridgeport."
I try to take a deep breath but it feels like my lungs are full of mud. This is really happening. Cohen is going to be close enough that we can see each other often. We can be together.
"Yes. I want you to do that," I say, almost whispering now.
"Good. Tell me you love me again?" he asks, practically begging.
I grin, and move a bit closer to my phone. "I love you, Cohen Ryder."