"Last stop na 'to ng Laguna, neng," saad ng konduktor sa bus.
Napa lingon-lingon ako at nakitang ako na lang mag-isa ang naiwan sa bus. Anong oras na rin kaya madilim na ang paligid.
"Thank you po," paalam ko at bumaba na sa bus.
Ang lakas ng ulan ngayon kaya wala akong nagawa kung hindi mag paulan. Walang waiting shed na pwedeng silungan kaya nag lakad na ako.
Wala rin naman akong pakialam kung maulanan ako. Hindi ako pumunta rito para alagaan ang sarili ko.
Nag lalakad ako na wala sa huwisyo at walang pakialam sa paligid.
Hindi magising ang diwa ko kahit na binubusinahan na ako ng mga sasakyan na nakaka salubong ko. Patuloy lang ako sa pag lakad at hindi alam kung saan tutungo.
"Ano ba! Kung mag papakamatay ka, 'wag kang mandamay ng ibang tao! Tanginang buhay 'to!" sigaw ng isang driver sa akin na naka labas pa ang ulo sa sasakyan.
The people were so mad at me. But do I care about that? No.
I went here to Laguna to put an end to myself.
I can't live like this.
The pain of seeking love, happiness, care, and acceptance. It is killing me slowly and surely.
All the things I did back then, all of the love I begged for, it is thrown back to me hardly. The love that I thought I found within Luke. The love that I thought I deserved.
He is giving his whole to me but I cannot even give back the love he deserved. I am just in love with the thought of him being with me all the time. That I finally found the love I thought no one will give me before. But I became selfish. I became selfish about this thing called love.
I am just thinking of myself from the beginning. I became dependent and it kills me when they are gone. Arya's gone. Linus is gone. And now, Luke is gone by my side.
What is the point of living? Why am I even breathing? If I can end this pain now?
I came here because I am so done with the pain I bear. As if I was born to carry this. Oh, is this the payment for being a wedlock child? Is it? Then I will give back the life I did not even want.
My family was suffering because of me. They cannot accept me because I am not supposed to be part of their family. My brother Linus whom I don't ask for forgiveness before he died. I don't even know if he's in pain. He died being mad at me, his sister.
My friends that I might ruin because I am a piece of bad luck. Luke is ready to be ruined just because of me. How could I let that happen?
Is my reason to bring this to an end stupid? Am I just being emotional? But I just wanted to end this. I just want to rest. I am tired of running. I am tired of running away from everyone I love. I wanted to live, too. I wanted to be happy but how could I do that if I am in pain? If this pain just keeps on coming back and not leaving me.
My feet took me to the beach that was calling me. I planned this. I took my courage to finally put an end to this life.
I am slowly walking under the water. I didn't stop and wait for the water to take me. I walk and walk until it was already touching my breast.
I cannot hear anything. I cannot even pay attention to my surroundings. I am just here, breathing and accepting my end.
I am looking at the moon and the stars that are shining brightly in the sky. It's asking me to go with me. When the water was almost above me, I smiled and closed my eyes.
"Love..."
I opened my eyes after I heard the voice inside my head. Where did it come from?
As if my senses came back, I wanted to live. I wanted to be saved. But I don't dare to let myself out of the water.
I almost drowned myself when someone pulled me back.
"Hija! Anong ginagawa mo?" alalang tanong sa akin ng matandang babae na humablot sa akin.
"Bitawan mo po ako," saad ko at kinakalas ang kamay niya sa akin.
"Hija, may problema ka ba? Handa akong makinig," mahinahon na aniya. "Basta 'wag mo lang gagawin ito, hija. Kasama ko ang aking apo, panigurado ay pakikinggan ka rin no'n."
"Ayaw ko na po," iyak ko. "Pagod na pagod na po a-ako."
Niyakap niya ako. "Tutulungan kita, 'nak. Anong gusto mong gawin, hmm? Bukod sa ganito,"
Iling ko. "Ang sakit po. Ang s-sakit sakit po ng puso ko," hikbi kong ani.
Niyakap niya lang ako at hindi na siya nag salita pa. Umiyak lang ako nang umiyak. Hindi iniinda ang lamig ng tubig.
"Tulungan niyo po akong kalimutan itong sakit," pakiusap ko. "Please po, alisin niyo po itong masakit."
Naramdaman kong tumango siya. "Gagawin ko ang makakaya ko," hinarap niya ako at ngumiti sa akin. "Tara na, 'nak. Malamig at baka magka sakit ka,"
Inalalayan niya ako sa pag-ahon. Nang marating namin ang pangpang ay nakita ko agad ang isang babae na mukhang may hinihintay.
"'Nak, pasensya na at naiwan ka rito mag-isa," hingi ng paumanhin ng matandang babae na tumulong sa akin sa babaeng nag hihintay.
Bakit hindi niya ako tinitignan? Bakit naka tingin lang siya sa malayo?
"Anong pangalan mo, 'nak?" tanong niya sa akin.
"Liza po,"
"Ako si Vina, tawagin mo na lang akong Nanay Vina at ito naman ang apo kong si Amara," pakilala niya.
"Hi po, 'Nay Vina at Amara," mahinang bati ko.
"Hello, Liza! Ayos ka lang ba?" tanong niya.
"Hindi nakaka kita ang apo ko," ani 'Nay Vina.
Nagulat ako at napa tingin kay Amara.
Ang ganda ng mga mata nito at sobrang nangingibabaw kahit madilim ang paligid. Ang mukha nito ay kasing liwanag ng bituin.
"Sayang at hindi ko makita ang ganda mo, Liza," ngusong saad ni Amara. "Pero buti na lang makikita mo ang ganda ko."
Napa ngiti ako.
"Ikaw talaga, apo, puro kahanginan ang nasa utak mo."
Ngumiwi si Amara. "Si Nanay talaga, hindi matanggap ang kagandahan ko," aniya. "Liza, tara at sumama ka sa sa bahay namin,"
"Huh? Naku, hindi na kai—"
"Maluwag pa ang bahay namin, 'nak," putol ni 'Nay Vina sa sinasabi ko at naka ngiti pa ito sa akin.
Nag lakad si Amara para hanapin ako. "Tara, hawak ka sa akin."
"Basa ako, Amara," nahihiya kong sambit.
Ngumiti siya. "Ayos lang, Liza! Kahit maligo pa ako sa dagat ay ayos lang!"
Tinignan ko si 'Nay Vina at tinanguan niya lang ako.
"Kung kailangan mo ng lakas ay yakapin mo lang ako," mahinang saad ni Amara. "Handa akong maging charger mo."
They cared for me. They showed me love, genuineness, and care. As if I am part of their family.
I became hopeful. Finally, the family I dreamed of is happening to me. I felt loved. I felt cared for.
Nanay Vina provided for our needs. She worked hard for me and Amara.
Of the thought of paying back, I worked hard. I applied for many jobs that could pay me money. I work my ass off so I could provide for the three of us.
I took lots of jobs to lessen my suicidal thoughts. Even though I am thankful for 'Nay Vina and Amara, I can't take my mind off hurting myself.
'Nay Vina witnessed me hurting myself. She cried with me that night, alongside Amara.
When I am not in my mind, I tend to cut my flesh to make myself feel alive.
That is those times when 'Nay Vina hid all the things that I may use for giving me pain. Scissors, cutters, and knives.
Amara didn't leave me every night. She will cling to me until I fell asleep.
It is a long process for me. It took a lot of buckets of tears, pain, and endurance before I stop hurting myself.
But I need to get myself busy to be able to not think of anything. So I worked in the morning and evening, so when it is time to sleep, I will sleep peacefully.
The year after that, Nanay Vina and Amara talked to me about my study. I am not sure of anything but I think about it carefully.
I applied for my dream course. It is a hard choice, indeed. Many sleepless nights, and many times I fainted because of stress. But I endured it all. I wanted to give a peaceful life to 'Nay Vina and Amara. They became my source of life.
I couldn't even sleep without hugging the two of them. I would not even let myself sleep without the two of them by my side.
Thankfully, I passed the university that has no tuition. So I just need to provide my supplies. I spent my summer working multiple jobs to be able to buy the things I needed.
I planned to send Amara to the hospital for her eye check-up. She needs to see me again. She deserves to see the beauty of this world again. I also send Nanay Vina for monthly check-ups. She's old and still working so her body needs to take care of.
I lived those years that simply. Work, study, work, and sleep. It's been like that. It helps me, indeed. I let go of my thought by working and taking all the jobs that I can.
The family that I treasure turned out to be my real family. Should I be sad or happy? I don't know.
All the memory that I am getting rid of is coming back to consume me again.
How did this happen? How did we go this far?
What will I do now?
So many questions ran inside me. Questions that I don't know will be the answer.
"Let me think first, Luke," I broke the silence.
We are sitting on the bench around the playground. It's dark and just the two of us here.
Luke agreed. He drove me back to my place. I thanked him and slowly walked until I reached our house.
"Apo," salubong sa akin ni Nanay Vina. "A-anong nangyari, hmm?"
"Nandiyan na si Liza, 'Nay?" tanong ni Amara na palabas ng kwarto.
"Oo," sagot ni 'Nay Vina at humarap ulit sa akin. "Tara at yakapin mo ang Lola,"
Humagulhol na ako ng iyak habang naka yakap sa kaniya.
"Ako rin, payakap," ngusong ani Amara.
Nilapitan namin siya at niyakap. Tatlo na kaming umiiyak ngayon.
Noong kumalma na kami ay kinwento ko sa kanilang dalawa ang ginawa ni Tonton. Sinabi ko sa kanila ang buong pangyayari. Kahit 'yung kasunduan namin ay sinabi ko. Umiyak lang sila at dinamayan ako.
"Tangina ng Tonton na 'yan. Pag ako talaga naka kita na, siya una kong hahanapin," gigil na sambit ni Amara.
"Nasa kulungan na ang hayop na iyon. Nalaman ng Daddy mo ang ginawa ni Tonton dahil naririto siya kanina nang pumunta ang mga pulis. Galit na galit ang Daddy mo," ani Nanay.
"Gumaan po ang loob ko nang malaman ko iyon, 'Nay."
Ngumiti siya at hinaplos ang buhok ko. "Good job, apo,"
"Ako, walang good job?" ngiwing tanong ni Amara.
Kinurot naman siya ni Nanay sa tagiliran. "Napaka inggitera mo,"
"Aray! S'yempre, mana sa 'yo, 'Nay!"
I smiled looking at these two people who became my star when my night was surrounded by dark clouds.
I am relieved to see them happy. I am happy about the coincidence of us being reunited.
About Luke, I don't know as of now. I don't want to pressure things. I need time. We need time.
It's not something that we should be taken lightly. It needs a lot of processes.
I became used to the life I am having right now. And I don't want to change anything at the moment. I am content with this.
If there will be a chance for us, I will gladly grab it and cherish it forever. However, we need to take things slowly.
Just wait, Luke.