Agony, the word that could condense the days that followed.
I retreated to my room and have been sulking here for days now. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. Maybe I'm just waiting for the storm to end. It should cease any day now, according to the calendar. Probably, once it does, I'll hear the loud whipping of the front door, and Zoro will be out of my life as quickly as he came.
Maybe it's for the best. I'd guessed that he would probably hate me once he figured all out, so, in a way, this is a shortcut. The original plan remains the same; he goes back to his crew, and I complete my mission without distractions. Everything is fine. Except for the fact that I feel like shit for hurting him and letting him leave like this.
Of course, even if I tried to mend thing between us, I'm afraid my words don't hold any value for him. If I close my eyes, I can tangibly feel the guilt creeping through every corner of my body, crawling out from under a heavy rock in my chest, one that has been there for days. He's seen through me, all this time; every lie I've told him, he's detected its artificiality, so I don't think he'll ever trust anything I say again.
And even if he wanted to hear me out, how could I make him understand? There are no words to explain to Zoro that it wasn't me who wanted to give up on life: the Iris who wished for death died already, almost three months ago. She died the moment I met him, probably, already feeling hope rising in his every breath.
I will never have the chance to tell him that, before I fell in love with him, he had already saved me from myself. He showed me what I had been missing out. His friendship trampled on the old Iris's grave and gave birth to a life addict. It woke me up, in a way. It inspired me to take up the path I had planned long ago; to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations that life has to offer.
But it will have to be without him.
I've replayed the sequence over and over in my mind, living it a thousand times. That's all I've been doing these days; I go over every word we said, always shedding hot tears as a result. I can't get over the rage in his eyes, the utter disgust when he looked at me. I regret terribly everything I said. I could have defused the situation, if I had kept calm and tried to explain, if I had apologised there, maybe.... But no. I had to play the prideful brat card. And now we are in this limbo, staying as far away from each other as the structure of the house allows.
Saphir would know what to do. She would hug me until I calmed down and then scolded me in that motherly way. She would force me to apologize to the man and confess my feelings; "You will never forgive yourself if you don't" she would say, or something along those lines.
A laud sigh shares my sadness with the bedroom. I'm already missing him, and he hasn't even left the house. What I wouldn't give to have it all back.
I wipe away the tears that lately lodge persistently on my cheeks and slowly get to my feet. I head for the door, hoping that a long hot bath will calm me down a bit. Before I reach the hallway, however, I close my eyes for a moment, trying to focus. In the darkness, I see the familiar aura of Zoro lying on the couch. The coast is clear.
Knowing he's so close makes my heart shrink a little, but I walk down the hallway in silence and slip into the bathroom, ignoring the pain.
-----
The swordman heard the door close and the water running. She is having a bath again, he thought. Zoro knew that it wouldn't happen, yet he stayed with his back to the wall, longing to hear her voice once more.
Only the sound of water greeted his ears, though. She hadn't sung since the fight. That was a tragedy in itself, he pondered. Another one for the list. Then there was the absence of her company. And her laughter, that didn't fill the room anymore. And how the light in the place was dim compared to when she was around.
Zoro had been keeping his distance in an attempt to not make the situation worse, but he would have given anything to see her again. He spent the nights coming up with ideas of what to do. He could, hypothetically, reach her with the excuse of revising her wounds, but something told him that would backfire. "That I what? That I cared for your pathetic ass?"
He internally slapped himself. Why had he lashed out like that? He could have caused far more damage than he did. Of course, his every move had been calculated, causing only minor injuries in the hope of incapacitating her, though the crumbling roof had been a surprise. But still, there was no excuse for his words. Feelings were not his strong suit, but even he knew he had mishandled the situation.
And the consequence was pain. For both of them. He could hear her sobbing on the other side. It killed him to be the cause of her pain; he should be protecting her from it. He had tried to protect her from it with his little stunt. Or so he thought, it wasn't clear in his head. All he knows is that he was desperate. At some point desperation became irritation, and in turn it grew into anger. He was pissed at himself for not finding a solution, for not being able to deal with his own emotions, for being so fucking dumb. Hostility, he realised now, was far from a proper path, but it was the one he had always at hand.
He welcomed another wave of guilt in the hope that it would finally leave him alone once he'd endured it all. But it didn't leave, it stayed with him, making a place for itself with the other emotions he had discovered since meeting Iris. Certainly, guilt was an old acquaintance of the swordsman, but this time his pal carried a tinge of hopefulness. This time he could still redeem himself.
He had to man up and apologise. It was simple, wasn't it? Except it wasn't. It was ironic, to say the least: The man who faced bloodthirsty, ruthless enemies without a second thought, fretting like a child in this scenario. His resolve never wavered; it was the logistics of the matter that made him hesitate. What if she refused to see him? He couldn't blame her; he'd behaved like an idiot. He could leave a note, but it seemed disrespectful. Leaving without saying anything suddenly seemed not such a bad idea.
A glance at the empty spot in front of him, where Iris usually sat and relaxed with him after dinner, was enough for the crushing reality to slap him; he'll never know peace if he doesn't fix things with her. Zoro glanced the calendar on the wall urging him to take action before it was too late. If he leaves without one last conversation he may as well pierce his heart with one of his katanas, it would be the same.
An idea popped into his tired mind. It wasn't a safe bet, but he had to try something, anything, before time ran out. So, he went to the kitchen and put on the cooking overall.
By then, Iris had already left the bathroom and secluded herself in her room.
----
A knock on the door startles me. I drag myself towards the door, wiping the already dried tears from my face. The bath did nothing to soothe me.
Before opening, I take a minute to calm myself. It can be none other than Zoro, and the thought of facing him right now launched my anxiety sky high.
The man who would obviously be standing in front of me is, indeed, there, and the sight ties a knot in my throat. He stands for a few minutes in silence, staring at me with an unreadable expression.
"I made dinner."
I almost choke in surprise.
"It's fine, I'm not hungry," I concede him a faint smile, cushioning the rejection.
"You haven't had anything in three days," he reproaches softly.
I remain silent for a minute, trying to figure out what is happening. Zoro isn't mad? And cooked? By himself? Unless the intention was to poison me, what has changed? A shred of hope appeared waltzing on my head, but I know better than to let myself dance with it.
Whatever the reason, the grumbling of my stomach took the decision for me.
-----
Dinner was silent, and tension could be cut with a knife. Still, I tried my best to ignore the constricting atmosphere. It was the least Zoro deserved for thinking of me despite everything that has happened.
"It's really good, Zoro."
The man hummed in agreement, "I had a good teacher."
His answer makes me blush and I look at the plate again. This is too much. Zoro's kindness only makes the guilt wider and it's eating me up inside.
Finishing my meal, I stand up to clear the table. I have to ask Zoro several times to let me take care of the dishes and, in the end, he relents. Focusing on the activity at hand gives me an escape from the suffocating atmosphere, however brief.
Rubbing the sponge vigorously on a spot of sauce that doesn't seem to want to come away from the pot, I take the time to collect my thoughts. Whatever sparked this act of kindness, I must take the opportunity and, ironically, come clean, once and for all.
As I turn to him, not wanting to eye him really, but without other option, I say, "Zoro, I wanted to-Zoro?"
The swordman is kneeling, with his head touching the floor. "I'm sorry, I was an idiot," though I cannot see his face, the rich timber of his voice vibrates loudly in my ears, stroking my heart and soul.
I swallow, my throat even drier than before as I start lowkey panicking. "C'mon, stand up," I nervously say. I was prepared to beg for him to at least hear me out, but I didn't expect this.
I approach him, suddenly trembling. "Zoro," I plead again, kneeling before him. "I'm the one who needs to apologize," I murmur, tugging on his shoulder, "come on."
Seeing no response, I gently pull his chin with my index finger, jerking his head toward me. Reluctantly, Zoro gives in. There's no trace of the scary guy in that bounty; the look on his face is heart-breaking, a puppy lost in the rain.
Tears well up in my eyes and I swallow hard to get over the lump in my throat, never taking my eyes from his. We are too close, so close that he can hear my heartbeat. Time seems to slow down as I lean into him, one hand caressing his cheek and the other holding his chin.
He doesn't stop me, so I press a soft kiss to his lips, still fearful of my own actions.
But before I can pull away, Zoro's hand clasps the back of my neck and pulls me to him. His lips meet mine again and melt into a deep kiss, one that speaks louder than any words. My whole body sighs in relief, all the tension from before is released from my shoulders and replaced by pure joy.
Our kiss becomes more desperate, as if I have awakened a thirst I didn't know existed. His hands gather at my waist and rest there, another spoonful of the intimacy I don't deserve but selfishly claim as my own.
Zoro separates us, both breathless, and I can only smile as I meet his gaze again, much more relaxed and cheerful than before. A soft chuckle escapes me at the thought of me being the cause of that change.
"I've missed that," he whispers, before pulling another kiss from me. I wrap my arms around his neck, desperately trying to get rid of the obstacles separating us and I let myself be swept up completely.
-------
I sincerely don't think I have ever smiled so much in my life. My cheek muscles ache from being contracted for so long, but it's fine. Better than fine, it's spectacular. A far cry from the agony of the last few days, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
If it had been my decision, I would never have left the kitchen floor, but Zoro made it easier for me, taking us both into the bedroom. In a much more comfortable position now, my head rests on his chest, while Zoro strokes my hair, lying on the bed. Between glances and deep kisses, the hours have passed and, were it not for the fact that I am now on top of the man, I would think I had dreamed it all.
In the silence, however, I can feel an invisible knot hanging over us, an unresolved problem that still won't let go, but I can't put my finger on it. Luckily, Zoro seems to know exactly what's missing.
"Hey," he clumsily breaks the peace, "about what you said before, about ending..."
The phrase lingers incomplete, but I instantly grasp the meaning and jump before giving time to his fears to settle. "Don't worry, I won't."
But the uneasiness behind his expression remains, so, propping my weight on my elbows on either side of the bed, I position myself so that my face is level with his.
" Zoro, I promise." I assure him, pouring the seriousness of my vow into every syllable. This is not the time for long confessions, so I am short and sweet.
For a moment, he studies my face, and I feel him relax as he smiles again, "Good."
I press a kiss to his nose, and he returns the gesture on my lips, causing me to let out a soft chuckle. "I won't let anyone hurt you, not even yourself," he declares calmly, caressing my cheek.
I suddenly feel the urge to hide myself on the crook of his neck, letting my arms fall around him. "I'm still going after them, though," my voice laced with fear. I hate risking another argument, but I have no choice but to make it clear.
A minute passes, and I'm already regretting my words, when I feel him pull my right hand towards him. He gently kisses each finger, instantly dispelling my worries. "I know," he hums, "That's why I asking to fight alongside you."
As I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding, I nod at the offer. He laughs, clearly aware, and I turn to face him. He grabs my cheek and I lean into him, melting any lingering concern from both of us with a rough laugh and another kiss.
When we separate, breathless again, he wears his usual smug smile.
"I was right, you know."
"Hum?" I raise an inquisitive eyebrow.
"I told you that cooking pasta was a piece of cake."
I roll my eyes until I can almost see my brain, but I make no effort to wipe my smirk off and laugh, genuinely, at the worst joke ever. This idiot makes me the happiest girl alive.
------
Dawn bursts into the small cabin, entering through the few uncovered windows, and groping with pink fingers into the only inhabited room. Here it finds, first, an empty wine glass and a set of chequers laid out in front of the window. Recognising the solemnity of the arrangement, dawn pays its respects and carefully moves on.
Its fingertips rest on the bed, feeling the material of the mattress for a moment. Finding it soft and comfortable, it continues the relentless inspection until it comes across shiny threads, scattered on the pillow. The threads hypnotize dawn, that loses itself in the countless loops, before finding the source: Iris, still asleep.
Dawn knows it shouldn't, it understands that the girl would appreciate a few more hours of sleep, but it also knows that the man besides her, who still delights in the shadows of the night, won't pay no mind to its arrival. For once, maybe, dawn mischievously grins at the opportunity of waking Zoro up through his lover.
Iris yawns, arching her back and listening to her bones creak with pleasure. What a night, she thinks, glancing over her shoulder and finding Zoro's head resting there. She lies still, breathing in the splendour of his hands around her waist, the calmness radiating from his soft snores, and the general bliss.
The chirping of birds pulls her out of heaven. Birdsong and the absence of a certain sound, a rumble that had accompanied them for the past three months.
When the second shoe drops, Iris' eyes widen.
"Zoro, hey, wake up," she turns into his embrace to face him directly, "Do you hear? The storm is over!"
Grumbling protests too sleepy to make sense leave the man, "Too early" being the only comprehensible phrase.
Iris gives up and looks up at the ceiling, concentrating on sorting out her thoughts.
After a while, she speaks again, though it seems more like a conversation with herself, "So it's today."
Zoro grunts, acknowledging her words but not their meaning.
"I'll finally meet them," she clarifies, spiking with excitement.
The questioning grunt repeats behind her.
"Do you think they will like me?" she faces him again, gently placing a hand on his bare chest to get his attention, "What if your captain thinks I'm weird?"
Zoro chuckles, catching up on the subject at last, and opens his eyes a slightly. His voice is low, barely above a whisper when he speaks, but full of reassurance nonetheless, "They will adore you, especially Luffy."
Iris's beaming while she speaks, "You think?"
Of course Luffy will like her, Zoro thinks, he will practically beg her to be part of the crew. And for once, the captain's whims will come in his favour.
"Hmm," he nods internally, and tightens his arms around her, "They can wait until noon, though."
With that, Zoro swings his body around to the other side of the bed, pulling Iris with him, which elicits a gasp of surprise from her, and cascades of sweet laughter and kisses afterwards.
-----
Getting out of bed is a herculean task, not only because the green head hugging me with his dear life, but because it means opening the door again to the problems of real life. And, as much as I would love to extend this wonderful dreamscape indefinitely, reality is rushing in, and I must be prepared.
When the clock on her bedside table pointed upwards with both hands, I concluded that it was time. I forcefully detached myself from a clingy Zoro that still protested, despite his grumbling stomach clearly demanding for the skipped breakfast, and headed for the kitchen.
Zoro appears in the doorframe just as I'm taking the food out of the oven. I don't need to turn around to know that he's approaching the kitchen table and watching me carry the rice balls to two separate plates. Despite having imagined it, I feel my heart skip a beat as I turn to find him there, the corners of his lips turned up, greeting me.
"I don't want us to go yet," he murmurs in my ear, before placing a kiss on my shoulder.
A half smile passes my lips. At least we're the same page. "No choice, your captain's already waited three months, remember?"
Zoro lets out a growl of forced acceptance. He knows I'm right, but, like me, finds it hard to accept it. I take his hand in mines and caress it with my cheek.
"Once there, I'll end this mission of mine once and for all and you..." Suddenly I feel a pang in my chest that doesn't let finish the sentence, so I decide to skip it. "Who knows," I resume my cheerful tone, "maybe we'll meet on another island later. I think I could do with a change of scenery."
He only gives me a squeeze with the hand I was holding and leans down to kiss my temple, his way of conveying agreement.
"We'll write to each other," I mumble, to encourage him, though I need it more.
The thought of parting from Zoro after we've only just met catches me off guard, but I try not to dampen the atmosphere, and put on a smile for now. There will be a time for goodbye tears.
"Everything alright?" The ever-so-perceptive Zoro interjects. His eyes find mine and is obvious he finds the answer there. We both now what lies ahead, there is to put it on the table beforehand.
"Just thinking," shaking away the tears that haven't fallen yet, I hum. "I'm going to change, okay?"
A long kiss regains my resolve for the day.
----
Shower, done.
Clothes, done.
Now for the backpack: more knives, another waistcoat, antidote flasks in case we meet other dart throwers, a torch just as a precaution, a rope which always comes in handy.... I think everything's here.
I stand in front of the mirror, checking that every knife's in place, and I mentally go through my clothes, wondering if it's all right for the day. Hair in a ponytail, a white shirt that is a somewhat baggy fit but sits perfectly on my body thanks to a bulletproof corset, courtesy of Eulogie. A belt that wraps twice around my waist, where I can hook at least 30 throwing knives and two daggers on the sides, and black trousers that seem to end at the knees, as the leather boots overlap. The black cloak that hangs on my shoulders had also been a gift from Eulogie, and was always useful when carrying my face became dangerous.
"Oi, what's with the cape?" Zoro says as soon as I meet him at the front door.
"It's a disguise."
He raises an eyebrow, questioningly, "I didn't know we needed disguises."
"It's just that..." I start, biting my lip and trying to choose the right words, "the townspeople don't like me very much. And besides, the guys who attacked us are sure to be looking for me now that the storm has passed."
His eyes narrow for a second before returning to his original position. Zoro doesn't seem entirely happy with the answer, it's obvious he still has questions, but he opts to stay quiet and turns to continue walking.
Of course he does. I slap myself in the face, realizing that we've never really addressed that last issue. That is, I have never really addressed it.
"Listen, I..." I begin, grabbing his shoulder to turn him around. I try to look him in the eye as I speak, but a force repels my gaze from him, so I continue, focusing on the cracks in the floor instead. "I know it can be hard to trust me after..." I try again. The beginnings of several sentences escape my throat, but none seem to hit the right spot, so they all come out half-finished.
God, I must look so pathetic. With a long sigh, I look him in the eye and tear it all off at once, like a band-aid. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to lie to you, it's not that I don't trust you, it's just-
"It's okay," he cuts me off, with a shrug.
I suck my teeth, debating whether to grab the rope he so graciously lowered for me or do the right thing and complete my apologise, "It's not okay. I want to make it up to you, I really do," I show him my palms in front of me, "ask anything you want, I'll answer you truthfully, I swear."
I hope that getting completely naked in front of him, figuratively, is a fair price to pay for his forgiveness, otherwise he may never really trust me.
Zoro, however, doesn't seem too interested, "I don't care about your past, you had your reasons," he shrugs again.
"Really?"
He gifts me another of his smug smiles, "Yeah, just don't die."
A new wave of sweetness pulls me towards him, and I stand on tiptoes to kiss him once again before saying, "You're such a romantic, bosky."