tw: abuse
This is all bullshit. My life didn't even hide the fact that it's bullshit. My life itself is bullshit.
After running this far, there's still someone who will chase you. And what matters now will be the fastest to run.
"Scared, huh?" Tonton whispered, only for me to hear.
"You are disgusting."
He just laughs as if there is something funny. Baliw.
"'Wag na 'wag mo akong tatalikuran," babalang sabi niya at hinawakan pa ng mahigpit ang braso ko.
"Wala kang karapatan utusan ako,"
Ngumisi siya, "Si Amara na lang ang uutusan ko kung gano'n,"
Nagulat ako at tinignan siyang nasama. "'Wag mong pakiki alaman si Amara, Tonton,"
Nag kibit balikat siya. "Madali ako kausap, Liza. Basta sumunod ka lang sa gusto ko,"
"Ano bang gusto mo, huh?" inis kong tanong.
"Ikaw," ngisi niya. "Bilisan mo mag-isip, baka mainip ako."
Iniwan niya akong tulala. Nasa field kami ng school at naka upo sa isang bench.
"Earth to Liza," Mia snapped.
It made me back to reality. The reality that is haunting me.
"Hey, you okay?" asked Mia, sitting next to me.
I sigh. "Yeah,"
"I saw you and Tonton talking," she said, "and I hope you know who he is."
"I know that, of course," I smiled bitterly.
"Do not engage with him, Liza. He is a dangerous spoiled brat,"
I didn't respond. I knew him to be a disrespectful son to his old father. Long ago.
"Anyway, do you already sent your resume? Next week will be the start of the internship," said Mia, while on her phone.
"Yes,"
She looks at me. "Then, what's the response? Are you accepted?"
I nod.
She became loud and didn't stop saying she was excited. Mia and I applied to the same company. She insists on us being in the same company.
It is a big firm and a well-known company all over Laguna, even the whole country. They give excellent work that makes people trust them with the service they make. I did my research before applying.
"Welcome," the staff greeted. "Let me take you on a tour and bring you to the meeting area."
We followed her while listening. She's introducing us to every department we passed by. Also touring us to the department we were working to. We are a total of fifteen interns here in the company. Though some of us were not in the same department.
This internship will be our final semester. We'll collect the hours they required and then we'll be done. This internship is a good way to practice and gain experience so you can face the world after you graduated.
The meeting was just a simple clarification and orientation for us. The do's and don't and also the other requirement we must obtain.
"Bakit hindi tayo same department?" Mia pouted.
"Magkatabi lang naman department natin," ani ko.
Bumuga siya ng hangin. "Kahit na,"
Napa ngiti na lang ako at tumalikod sa kaniya para hindi ako makita.
Sa loob ng mga taon na mag kasama kami ni Mia, hindi kami sobrang close sa isa't isa. Hindi dahil ayaw ko sa ugali ni Mia. Ito ay dahil sa akin. Ako ang may problema. Hindi ko kayang i-open ang sarili ko sa ibang tao. Hindi ko kayang makipag kaibigan. Ulit.
Pero kahit na ganoon ay hindi pa rin nag babago ang turing sa akin ni Mia. Mabait siya at madaldal. Nakikita ko ang sarili ko noon. Noong nakiki pag-close ako kay...
Umiling ako para alisin iyon sa isipan ko. Itinuon ko na lang ang atensyon ko sa ginagawa. Simple lang muna ang trabaho ko marahil ay bago pa lang. Sumusunod sa utos ng mga ka-department.
Mababait ang mga ito at naka ngiti kung makipag-usap. Magaan sa loob silang kasama.
Dalawa na lang ang trabaho ko ngayon bukod sa internship. Sa restaurant ni Ma'am Pia at sa grocery store ni Ma'am Bea. Tatlong beses lang sa isang linggo ang pasok ko kay Ma'am Bea. Samantalang gabi-gabi sa restaurant. Mabuti nga at pumayag si Ma'am Pia na mag pang gabi ako. Twenty four/seven ang restaurant kaya naman may pang gabi at pang-araw.
"Bakit?" tanong ni Amara sa akin nang tawagin ko siya.
"Wala naman bang pumunta rito?" pasimpleng tanong ko.
Kumunot naman ang nuo niya. "Wala naman,"
Napa hinga ako nang malalim.
"Bakit, beh? May darating ka sigurong manliligaw, 'no?"
"Demonyo kamo," bulong ko na mukhang hindi niya narinig.
"Nag-choppy ka ata, beh,"
"Mahina signal," biro ko.
"May pasok ka ba bukas?" tanong niya na naka nguso.
"Bakit? Gusto mo labas tayo?"
"Oo sana," pag hinga niya nang malalim. "May check-up ako bukas sa hospital. Hindi ata ako masasamahan ni Nanay dahil busy sa pananahi."
Inisip ko kung mayroon ba akong trabaho bukas.
"Gabi pa naman ang trabaho ko kay Ma'am Pia,"
Lumiwanag ang mukha niya at lumawak ang ngiti. "Talaga? Thank you, Liza!"
May every month check-up si Amara sa ophtalmologist. Doon niya nalalaman ang kondisyon ng mga mata niya. Sinabi rin sa kaniya noong nakaraang buwan na may pag-asang maka kita pa siya. Hanggang ngayon ay naaalala ko ang ngiti sa kaniyang mukha noong sinabi niya sa akin iyon.
Mag pi-pitong taon nang mabulag si Amara. Hindo ito inborn dahil nangyari ito sa isang aksidente.
"Doc, sabi niyo po noong nakaraan ay maaari pa siyang maka kita," panimula kong tanong sa doctor ni Amara. "P'wede po bang pa-explain po kung paano at ano po ang kailangan naming gawin?"
Tinignan ako ng doctor at ibinalik nito ang tingin kay Amara.
"Well, we found it hard to give that information when we just started examining her eyes. We cannot give false hope," he said. "Thus, she just started consulting four years ago so we must undergo a lot of processes."
I nod. Amara's listening intently too.
"About her seeing again was good news, indeed. However, her eyes don't need to perform surgery. It is about time," he smiles. "Time for her to cope with everything she deals with. Her accident added a trigger for her eyes to close. There is a high possibility that the stress and traumatizing event leads her to vision loss."
I look at Amara. She looks confused.
"Doc, parang wala naman po akong naaalala," ani Amara.
Tumango ang doctor. "It is because even your memory hid and closed it for you. But, as I said earlier, there is a chance, a high possibility. If you'll be able to unlock the memory you had before, it will be a good start. However, you must be ready to face the consequences, which is the trauma that your brain locked."
I look at Amara and saw her confused.
"I can, doc," she said. "Is that the only thing I need to do?"
"Glad to hear that, Amara," he smiles and looks at the chart he's holding. "But aside from that, you must continue to drink the meds I gave to you. It is important, especially because it could boost your memory."
After what the doctor said, it suddenly lifts Amara. She's now smiling and looks happy. I can't help but shed tears.
My Amara is happy.
"Thank you, Liza,"
I look at her while wiping my tears. We are here in the hospital garden and sitting on a bench.
"Hmm?" I asked.
She smiles. "For everything you've done," she found my hand holding it. "You became my strength when I lost one. You provided us even if you have nothing to do with me and Nanay."
"It is nothing, Amara," I hold her hand back. "You and Nanay deserved everything."
"So do you, Liza," she smiled gently.
If you only knew what you have done for me, Amara.
When we told Nanay about the check-up earlier, she cried for almost an hour due to happiness. She hugged us both and when she finished crying, she cooked for the both of us.
This is the family I will protect. Protect from everyone who will cost harm. Who will ruin the three of us?
"Just promise me you won't harm my family, Tonton," I foolishly said, accepting the offer he made.
He smiles cheerfully. "Then you can keep my word, Liza. As long as you are mine."
I don't care anymore. As long as my Nanay and Amara were safe, it is fine with me. I can manage the pain will cost me. I could face the consequences of my choice.
Mia became mad at me when she saw me and Tonton together. I wanted to explain to her the deal Tonton and I had, but on contrary, I do not want her to involve with any of this.
We became the talk of the whole university. They couldn't believe that Liza, who was busy working her ass off, is with a spoiled brat.
Lots of people teased us, saying we're looking good together. Even if they are seeing Tonton as a handsome, charismatic man, he is inhumane in my eyes.
"I told you, Liza! Stop working!" he yelled in my face, holding my jaw.
I held his hands to get off me. "Don't touch me,"
He scoffs. "You can't command me, Liza," he let go of me and grab his wallet to grab a cash of money. "Bayad ka sa bawat galaw mo, tandaan mo 'yan,"
Inilagay niya ang pera sa bulsa ko. Kukunin ko sana at ibabalik sa kaniya pero bigla niya akong hinalikan. Nag pumiglas ako at pinag sasampal ang dibdib niya. Kumalas naman siya sa halik. Ngunit ang kapalit nito ay isang malakas na sampal at hinawakan nito ang buhok ko.
"Sa susunod na gawin mo 'yon, malilintikan ka sa 'kin," aniya at nag lakad na paalis.
Naiwan ako rito sa kalsada na halos hindi napupuntahan ng mga tao. Liblib ito at malapit ito sa bahay nila Tonton.
I could feel their gazes even though I am just walking inside the campus. I could feel the judging stares they were throwing at me. I could hear the whispers of disgust, saying that I am just after the money. They knew me as a hard-working student so they probably think that I am paid to be with Tonton.
I didn't pay attention after that. I just focus on my internship. As much as possible, I don't want to be inside the campus again.
In daylight, I am on duty as an intern, and after that is work again for Ma'am Pia. If I am unlucky enough, Tonton would fetch me after work. I am tired but I will face this asshole again.
"P'wede ba, Tonton? Manahimik ka muna dahil pagod ako," ani ko.
Nag pupumilit na naman kasing umalis na raw ako sa pag tatrabaho.
Tinignan niya akong naka kunot ang noo. "'Wag mo akong galitin, Liza,"
"Putangina, please, manahimik ka muna!" hindi ko na napigilang pag taasan siya ng boses.
Nagulat ako nang hawakan niya ang braso ko nang mahigpit kahit nag mamaneho siya ng sasakyan.
"Bitawan mo 'ko, Tonton!" sigaw ko.
Binitawan niya ako pero itinabi niya ang sasakyan sa gilid ng kalsada. Ang sunod niyang ginawa ay sinakal ako nang sobrang pwersa.
"Putangina mo! Sino nag sabi sa 'yong p'wede mo akong sigawan?" galit na galit na tanong niya.
Hindi ako maka hinga sa pananakal niya at tinatapik ang mga kamay niya para bitawan ako. Bumitaw lang siya noong muntik na ako mawalan ng malay.
"Lumabas ka," utos niya at binuksan ang pinto sa tabi ko.
Tinulak niya ako palabas kahit hindi pa ako nakaka-recover sa nangyari. Wala akong lakas para makipag matigasan sa kaniya. Wala rin akong boses para magalit pa.
Hindi ko alam kung nasaang lugar ba 'to. Kahit na kabisado ko ang lugar namin, hindi ko magawang maka pag-isip pa. Madilim pa dahil four pa lang ng umaga. Umupo lang ako sa gilid ng kalsada dahil nanghihina ako.
Naka tulala lang ako at hindi alam kung ano ang gagawin. May naramdaman akong papunta sa gawi ko na mabilis kong ikinatakot. Nang tignan ko kung sino ito ay bigla akong nagulat. Sa gulat ay parang gusto ko mag tago.
After years of running away, these people who I run away to, keep on running with me, too. They are getting closer again. It fears me to think that I will bring them down again. That I will ruin them severely this time.
"E-elford..." halos walang boses.
"Anong problema?" tanong ng isang lalaki na kararating lang.
"Enzo..." bulong ko at unti-onting nanghihina hanggang sa mawalan ako ng malay.