The bedroom on the second floor had a musky smell of sex that had yet to dissipate. I was nestled on the sofa as I swallowed the anti-inflammatory pills, watching my hyung put away the sheets that I had wet and replace them with new ones. The sheets were a light mauve colour that was more suited for girls, but I found it gentle.
My hyung came over to hug me. I kicked him away but he caught my ankle and kissed the sole of my foot. It felt very ticklish.
I didn't actually need to be hugged, but I saw that my hyung's gaze was very lonely. He really wanted to hug me. Thus, I didn't resist him scooping me up in a princess carry. For the sake of consoling my hyung who had been verbally hurt by me, I was willing to be a princess for a second.
He helped me to fill my red and inflamed hole with ointment, as well as apply a soothing lotion to my ass cheeks that had been smacked swollen. He even pried my cheeks open and poked around my swollen and painful entrance, telling me I was fine, it was just a bit swollen.
I kept my face buried in a pillow, muttering nasally, "Hasn't it been fucked until it's wrecked..."
"It won't be, I didn't go very hard."
It was already like this but still considered not going very hard...I sympathised a bit with my hyung's mistresses. He wasn't the kind of guy who would go easy on others; he definitely had a sexual abuse kink, just that he didn't fully unleash it on me.
Actually, I could feel shameful sometimes too. At first, when I made love with my hyung, I didn't think much of it. But when it occurred to me later that when he was young, he had carried me and fed me with a milk bottle, brought me to go trap ants and catch dragonflies, sent me to school and prepared food for me to eat yet was now, in the middle of the night, entangling with me in the sheets and on the floor, kissing me and having anal intercourse, I felt a little bit shameful.
My hyung came closer to kiss me. I pretended to be asleep. He lightly pecked the corners of my lips a few times but didn't receive a response, so he silently stayed there for about ten seconds before returning to lie down on his side behind me, pulling me into his arms from behind my back.
It seemed like my hyung wasn't able to fall asleep. One moment he'd flip over and help me tuck in the corners of the blanket, the next he'd adjust the temperature of the air conditioner, and another he'd hold me in his chest, breathing shallowly in the crook of my neck. He was totally like a little kid with ADHD. I thought to myself, if I attended university elsewhere in the country, he would definitely miss me a lot and call me every day. If I was too busy and declined his call, he would bring good food and drive over to find me, then act casual as he requested for me not to decline his calls. If my hyung also had a hyung to dote on him, he would undoubtedly be very whiny.
With a fever, my head was sometimes clear and sometimes muddled. After perspiring, I felt a bit better and woke up again. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was only the middle of the night, but when I groped about the empty space next to my hand, it was cold.
My hyung was sitting on the floor of the balcony with slides on. His strong and broad back was covered by his sleeveless shirt. His shoulders were very broad, yet his waist was firm and slender. It looked a little disorganised, and a little good-looking.
His back faced me. A puff of smoke billowed from his mouth, rising from the top of his head into the pitch black sky. At this time, the moon hung high in the sky, its light cloaking my hyung like a blanket of thin snow. He looked like he was blooming in the snow, and I wanted to lick off the moonlight on his face.
When I looked at him, it was no longer like looking at the little leader who would bring me to play unbridledly when we were younger. He had grown up, I hadn't. If Jungkook became a father, his children would definitely be very blessed. They would be accompanied, encouraged, loved and embraced, receiving everything I never had.
So I heartlessly stripped away his right to become someone else's father, making it such that he could only be my hyung for the rest of his life. If he was willing, he could occasionally be my father too. Anyway, I didn't have a father.
I got out of bed barefooted. Once I pulled the full-length window open, the heat and stuffiness of the night hit me right in the face. Closer to him, I could see that my hyung's skin was also covered in a layer of thin sweat.
When I realised what I was doing, it was already too late -- I had impulsively licked the beads of sweat on his shoulder blades.
A shiver ran through my hyung. After he turned and saw that it was me, he pinned me on the ground like it was a conditioned reflex, his two hands and feet on the ground trapping me beneath him.
"It's salty." And it had the scent of shower gel. I gazed up at him, mumbling that for no reason.
My hyung smiled faintly as he kissed me. He hadn't finished smoking yet; the cigarette was still held between his fingers and his breath was filled with the choking smell of tobacco. He pulled the curtains over to cover us, making a normal kiss become even more thrilling than a clandestine affair.
My hyung spoke softly in my ear, saying some words of insignificant teasing and meaningless concern.
"Little kid, your butt doesn't hurt anymore so you come and seduce your hyung?"
"It still hurts. I'm not seducing you."
"Your forehead doesn't seem to be so feverish anymore, do you still feel unwell?"
"It's a bit better now..."
"Give hyung a kiss."
"The fuck, why?"
He didn't tell me why just brought his face to my lips. I kissed his cheek and his eyes curved into crescents. He hugged me and flipped over, putting me on his body.
This world had a lot of odd rules. Girls could sleep with light mauve-coloured sheets, while guys could only sleep with blue, white or grey sheets. Girls could shop together arm in arm for a whole day, while guys could only enter a store alone and be done with it as quickly as possible. Girls could hold their milk tea, ice cream and cotton candy up high as they walked, while guys could only hold their girlfriend's arms. Girls could receive a teddy bear as big as a person on special occasions, while guys could only receive razors and tie clips.
I hugged Jungkook, my legs wound around his body and my cheeks pressed to his like he was a big bear that I had received for my birthday (he told me that on the day I was born I did in fact see him).
"I love you." I said to my hyung quietly.
He was silent for a moment, then carried me as he sat up. I was a pretty heavy guy, but in his chest, it was like I was weightless; he could easily carry me. I wondered how far I could fly if he tossed me out. He had never tossed me before.
"I love you too." When he kissed me, his hands seemed to be shaking.
I couldn't get out of bed for three days. One reason was that my butt hurt, but I also didn't want to go back to school at all. During these few days when I hid at home, perhaps those photos had already made waves in school.
The old phone used for school in my uniform's pant pockets ear-piercingly started to vibrate. I sluggishly went next to the sofa and dug out my phone to answer the call. It was my form teacher urging me to go back and attend class.
I thought she wanted to notify me that I had been expelled. Maybe they still had to announce to the whole school that Taehyung and his elder brother were gay and had committed incest; after all the crimes we had committed were truly numerous.
My form teacher didn't mention anything about expulsion. She scolded me, saying I was soon to be a third-year student yet I still wasn't focusing on my studies. Other people who were born rich at least just rely on their father, but you're relying on your own hyung? Your hyung to those of my age is still a little kid, but how is it that he's the boss of a company while you're like a little hooligan fooling around? Be more serious!
I decided I should still go back to school and take a look.
When I went, everyone was still in class. The school was very quiet. Every once in a while, there would be a few students secretly skipping physical education class brushing by me. I ambled along the boulevard, stepping on the speckles of sunlight covering the ground. I resented those specks of light because they were brighter than I was.
Ugly Liu was at the teacher's desk waving a broom about, illustrating a particle P moving between two points. I pushed the classroom door open and said 'reporting for class' with my eyes lowered. Ugly Liu pushed up his glasses and used the broom to push me aside, saying I was blocking the board.
The class started laughing.
I felt much more relaxed.
My desk was piled with tens of test papers and quizzes, all folded neatly. On the test papers, the list of work for these few days was pasted. The handwriting of the girl who sat in front of me was very neat and elegant.
My deskmate was sprawled out asleep on the desk with a mathematics exercise booklet. On his right, there were four idiots using one black trash bag to measure their waistlines at the same time in a row. When it got to the fatty, the length of the trash bag wasn't enough. The four of them collapsed on the desk, laughing so hard that their faces turned red.
The idiot nearest to me was holding back his laughter as he shoved the plastic bag to me, using a test paper to cover his mouth, "Taehyung, measure yours, later after class those of us with a waistline wider than yours will treat you to spicy sticks."
I lifted my uniform and measured.
Ugly Liu threw the broom over like a javelin. It smacked the back wall with a clatter. "Taehyung! Getting up to little tricks in class once you return; just what are you doing!"
The plastic bag was wrapped around my waist and couldn't be taken off in such a short time. I stood up, "Reporting: surveying the average circumference of the middle section of the human body."
The class burst into laughter again. The girl sitting in front of me covered her mouth, laughing so hard that tears escaped her eyes.
The next class was physical education. Once the bell rang, two-thirds of the class dashed out. I didn't know if I should go.
When most of the people in the class had left, the girl who sat in front of me turned around and furtively took out a big stack of things, shoving them toward me. She didn't say anything, she just took her badminton racquet and ran off for physical education class with the girls waiting for her outside.
I was the only one left in the classroom. I unfolded the items she had given me, thinking to myself that it shouldn't be that so many people had given me love letters over the past few days of my absence, right? After I opened it up, I froze for a moment.
There were photos of my hyung and me inside. They were the same as the ones Jiho had given me, nothing new.
There was a letter inside too.
The writing on it was as delicate as the one that had helped me to note down my work:
"These are the photos that people scattered into the school from outside. Yoona, Jimin, Small Glasses, the third-year senior Jiho, the few of them in the Class Four basketball team and I have helped you to collect them, not missing out on a single one. Burning them feels a bit inauspicious, so we're leaving them to you to decide how to deal with them."
"Your hyung is such a gentle person, is liking him really so unfathomable?"
I didn't know what to say.
I stuffed the photos into my bag and sat in my seat, listening to the shrill buzzing of cicadas outside the window.
In short, thank God for them.
If not, I would still be thinking that I lived in an abyss.