Kuya's friends are not my circle. Close ako sa kanila, but not to point na kasing-close as best friends. Every family gathering kasi kami nagkikita-kita, and we're close to being an extended family kung tutuusin. Magkukumare at kumpare ang parents namin. Childhood friends ni Kuya ang iba. The rest, ka-batch and all that.
Ang hirap mag-fit in because their league is not my league. Hindi madaling maki-blend in because of the age gap. May mga bagay na sila-sila lang ang nakakaintindi, and I didn't want to be in that situation where I would force myself to pretend na nage-gets ko sila when I really couldn't grasp their vibe.
Calvin's house is really nice. Tahimik din. Bungalow lang, hindi engrande, at hindi ko nararamdamang executive manager ang may-ari ng bahay.
Doon ako sa pool area tumambay. Hindi ganoon kalaki ang pool. Sakto lang para masabing may pool. Not ideal for long-distance swimming. There was a patio and a wooden bench nearby the small garden. Wala masyadong building sa area, so the place took advantage of the view of the wide night sky and the cold breeze of late December air. Naka-long sleeves naman ako, ang kaso, ang ikli naman ng shorts ko kaya useless. Malamig pa rin.
I was checking my silent phone na wala man lang nag-aabalang mag-good night sa akin o magtanong kung kumain na ba ako kahit pa kanina pa ako pinakakain ni Kuya at ni Will. Ang hirap maging single, parang walang pakialam ang Earth sa existence ko.
I wanted to party, and this kind of quiet party is not my place. Not sure if it was because of the age, but Kuya's barkada preferred a quiet and more intimate stag party than those parties na walwal kung walwal.
My IG account felt like a refrigerator na bubuksan ko lang randomly para silipin ang laman, then isasara din afterward. I haven't uploaded any photos of me yet kasi nadagdagan ang weight ko, and I looked haggard pa after so many sleepless nights sa paggawa ng suits for Patrick's wedding.
After this, hindi muna ako tatanggap ng orders. Gusto kong bawiin ang pahinga ko.
"Sabrina."
My gaze shifted to Kuya walking towards me. He didn't look mad about me leaving their playtime. Mas mukha pa nga siyang nagtatanong kahit nasa malayo pa lang.
My eyes followed him until he squatted on his heels in front of me and put his folded arms above my lap.
I pouted at Kuya and gave him puppy eyes.
"What's wrong, hmm?" Kuya asked in his gentle tone as he looked up at me.
"Why did you bring me here?" I said. "Sana iniwan mo na lang ako sa shop."
"We'll go straight to the Vizcarra's early tomorrow morning for the wedding preparation. I can't pick you up sa Makati tomorrow kasi dederetso na kami ni Jae sa Laguna, so it's better na nandito ka na, so we could go together."
Ever since Kuya married Jaesie, lagi na akong second priority niya. What more kung may baby na sila. E di, last na ako sa aalagaan ni Kuya.
"What's with the long face?" he asked.
"I don't belong here." I bowed down and tried not to weep because of it. "Mom canceled all my trips for her plan. The last project she let me handle was this and the suits for Pat's wedding. Wala na 'kong gagawin after this kasi hino-hold niya lahat ng projects ko."
I sobbed quietly and wiped the lone tear that fell from my eye.
"We're working on it. Clark's working on it. Don't worry."
"Clark said he wanted to marry Kyline in any church."
Kuya burst into laughter but stopped himself before another second skipped by.
"Kuya . . ." I called out. Mang-aasar na naman kasi.
"Clark's been joking that kahit sa harap ni Mum. Alam mo namang second daddy siya ni Eugene, di ba? Don't make a big deal out of it. Leo's gonna kill him for real once he tried to."
"Kahit pa joke 'yon. Katabi lang niya 'ko. Ayaw niya 'kong pakasalan tapos pakakasalan niya si Kyline sa kahit saang simbahan."
"Do you want to marry Clark?"
I almost let out a gasp pero hindi natuloy. Feeling ko, may inilabas si Kuyang sekreto na ayokong malaman niya pero alam niya.
"Ayaw niya naman akong pakasalan, so why do I have to force myself to?" I pouted and gave him a disappointed look.
"But you want to?"
"It's Mum's plan."
"But what about your plan?"
Iniwas ko agad ang tingin ko kay Kuya. Ayokong magpakasal kay Clark. There was something inside me na hindi sure sa kanya kasi hindi siya sure sa 'kin, and I wanted to follow that instinct. I didn't want to risk it all for nothing. I already did that to Ivo and I lost almost everything.
"Maraming reasons si Clark para mag-no sa wedding," Kuya explained, "but his no didn't and never revolve around his personal decisions alone. He said no because he's sure that there's a problem about the idea and he needs to work on it before saying yes."
"He could say directly naman na ako ang problem. Hindi na niya kailangang mag-reason out pa ng iba."
"Clark loves you."
My eyes instantly shifted to Kuya, as if he had given me a surprising answer I didn't expect. That burned my cheeks a bit and warmed my freezing heart for months.
"Not like how I love my wife or how Leo felt for Ky, or not as crazy like Patrick, but Sab . . ." Kuya took my hands and placed them on his warm cheeks. "We all know how he loves you and he will literally die for you, but Clark's hands are full right now. Ikakasal si Patrick, and he didn't want to mess up Leo's wedding for next year. He's still considering things until now. And if Mum wants your wedding to happen any time, Mum will do everything for that to happen kahit pa ang meaning n'on, sasagasaan niya ang lahat para lang masunod siya."
Kuya was speaking on Clark's behalf, and it was so rare for him to talk about Clark with this much calm and consideration.
"Huwag muna nating i-pressure si Clark ngayon, okay?" pakiusap ni Kuya. "And it's better if you weigh your feelings for him. Because I know, iko-consider din niya ang feelings mo para sa decisions niya. If you're unsure about marrying him, he's more likely to say no. Hindi ka niya pipilitin kung nararamdaman niyang hindi ka rin sigurado sa gagawin mo."
Kuya Ronie kept on informing me that Clark and his intention of not marrying me is still on hold. And 'on hold' means Clark's not yet through about something na wala akong idea. Nabanggit na rin 'yon ni Will and I was starting to lose my patience kasi ako ang hino-hold nila sa ere. Parang floating ang status ko, at kapag walang gustong kumuha sa akin, wala rin akong magagawa kasi si Mum naman ang hahabol sa akin. And worst? Even Mum has no plan on taking me elsewhere.
Nasa dead end ako at wala akong ibang mapupuntahan dahil ang escape route ko sana, ayun at iniwan ako habang lumalandi na sa ibang babae.
Calvin's place is not that huge para magkaroon kami ng tig-iisang kuwarto. But it was spacious enough para magkaroon ng four rooms. Sa isang room sina Patrick at Melanie. Ang baby nila, nasa bahay raw sa Laguna at pinag-aagawan ng mga lolo at lola kung sino ang magbabantay.
Sa katapat na room sina Kyline at Leo. Si Calvin, sa sala na lang daw matutulog. Si Will, naglatag na ng rubber mat sa likod ng couch sa sala at doon nagtambak ng maraming unan para higaan niya.
Sa isang room na likod lang ng kina Mel ang kina Kuya at Jaesie. Gusto ko sanang tumabi kay Kuya kasi gusto ko ng kayakap matulog kaso tinataasan na agad ako ng kilay ni Jaesie kasi pagpasok pa lang namin sa bahay, yakap-yakap ko na si Kuya.
After makapaghilamos, toothbrush, at makapagbihis ng nighties na pahiram ni Melanie, naiwan kami ni Kuya sa sala. Nakakandong ako sa kanya habang doon ako sa kanya nakasandal.
"May balak ka bang matulog?" mataray na tanong ni Jaesie habang patay-malisya lang ako.
"I'll follow," Kuya answered.
Jae rolled her eyes and left.
Kung may boyfriend lang ako, hindi naman ako magpapaka-clingy kay Kuya, duh.
I could say that my weight is normal for my BMI, and I wasn't that huge para masabing sobrang taba. Kuya's body is something na kahit sinong babae, gugustuhin talagang mahigaan.
Kapag tinatanong noon si Kuya kung bakit wala siyang girlfriend kahit marami naman siyang nakaka-date, he would reason out na kami ni Mum ang dahilan.
Meron siyang naka-date before na mala-Ivo rin, but I doubt that he loved that girl. Sobrang bilis nadispatsa ni Mum ang gold digger 'yon, and Kuya never regrets losing her.
Ever since I went back sa Philippines, kapag wala akong kasamang matulog, lagi akong tumatabi kay Kuya kahit pa naiirita kami sa isa't isa. It started when I was seventeen, and I had scary nightmares. In the middle of the night, pumupunta ako sa kuwarto niya, umiiyak.
Before him, noong bata pa 'ko, it was always Clark kasi nga mortal enemies kami ni Kuya. Si Clark ang nagpapatulog sa 'kin because my parents were too busy during those years kaya walang ibang inaasahan sa bahay. And at the same time, rare lang umuwi ang parents ni Clark sa kanila at wala siyang kasama sa kanila kasi wala silang katulong kaya siya nasa bahay namin. Lawyer ng mga indigenous people si Tita Pia, nasa army naman for medical job si Tito Ferdz. Clark will always be the favorite child because he proved himself for so many times even before. Tanggap na namin 'yon ni Kuya noon pa man.
But since I already grew up, wala nang choice si Kuya. Clark wasn't in the options anymore para tumabi sa akin kapag nananaginip ako nang masama. Unfortunately, may asawa na si Kuya at kakairap lang sa akin kasi inaagaw ko ang atensiyon ng asawa niya. At wala akong boyfriend, too bad.
"What time ka matutulog?" tanong sa akin ni Kuya habang hawak ang magkabilang wrist ko at pinapalakpak ang kamay kong wala ako sa mood kontrolin.
"Every day ka nang katabi ni Jaesie, hindi ba siya nagsasawa sa 'yo?" sagot ko kay Kuya habang nakasimangot.
"I've been with you ever since nasa tiyan ka pa lang ni Mum. Si Jae dapat ang nagtatanong niyan sa 'yo, Sabrina."
"She's just your wife. I'm your baby, duh."
"I'll take you to your room."
"Puwede ba 'kong tumabi sa inyo ni Jaesie?"
"Sab . . ."
"If you two are gonna sleep naked, I'll close my eyes and pretend nothing's happening, promise."
"If I tried to bring you into our room, Jae would probably stab me with the longest knife in this house. "
"Bakit ka ba kasi nag-asawa ng Amazona? Did Mum ask you na maghanap ka ng babaeng gaya niya?" reklamo ko. "Ang pangit talaga ng taste mo, Kuya. Ang ironic na food analyst ka, ha."
Kuya just bit my arm before he carried me like a bride. I wrapped my arms around his shoulder and grinned at him.
"Kuya, hanapan mo 'kong boyfriend."
He winced at my request and shook his head. "I'll ask Clark na samahan ka. Huwag ka munang mag-boyfriend. Baka i-torture ni Mum."
Tch! Bakit ba kasi ang higpit ni Mum sa love life?
Kuya brought me sa remaining room sa house ni Calvin na free. It was really meant for me kasi nga raw "maarte" ako, and they didn't want me throwing tantrums in the middle of the night para lang magreklamo na ang uncomfortable ng tutulugan ko.
Si Kuya ang naghiga sa akin sa kama and he gave me my goodnight kiss sa forehead.
"I forgot to bring my melatonin gummies," I informed him.
Kuya's face turned gloomy and nodded. "I'll let Clark stay here. Huwag mong awayin, ha?"
Wala na akong choice. Pinanood ko lang si Kuya na lumabas ng room.
I was expecting na malaki ang room na ibinigay nila. Although, sakto lang naman, but para akong nasa loob ng clinic. Ganoon lang kasi kalaki. May single bed na kadikit ng corner kaya pader na sa bandang headboard at left side. May study table na dual purpose na rin bilang nightstand or dresser. May ladderback wooden chair doon at iyon lang ang puwedeng upuan sa loob. There was a drawer sa tabi ng pinto. May glass window naman na nakasara at may light green curtain. Cream ang color ng interior, and the bed was covered with light green blanket and pairs of white and light green pillows.
Maliit ang kama kung ang basis ko ay ang queen-size bed sa bahay. Kasya ang dalawang tao rito basta ba walang gagalaw. As in steady lang ang higa.
A few minutes later, the door opened and Clark entered the room. Tatlong hakbang lang niya mula sa pinto, nakalapit na agad siya sa 'kin.
Compared kaninang naka-casual attire pa siya, naka-T-shirt na black na siya ngayon at brown shorts. Wala na rin siyang accessories na suot at amoy menthol and aloe vera pa siya. Medyo basa-basa pa ang dulo ng bangs niya kaya tingin ko, naghilamos muna siya bago pumunta rito.
"Alam nang dadalhin ka rito ni Rico, hindi pa nilubos-lubos ang dinala," reklamo niya. "Nahihirapan ka pa ring matulog?"
"Kung sinabi agad ni Kuya na dadalhin niya 'ko rito, sana dinala ko ang gummies ko," sabi ko sabay irap. Kinuha ko ang isang green pillow at iyon ang niyakap saka tumalikod sa kanya.
I was having a hard time sleeping kaya ako nagte-take ng melatonin gummies. May mga araw na hindi ako nagte-take n'on, basta ba may kasama akong matulog. Or else, I would wake up in the middle of the night crying.
Papikit na sana ako nang maramdaman kong kinumutan ako ni Clark, saka niya ako niyakap mula sa likod. Inalis pa niya ang unan na yakap ko para lang hindi siksikan sa kama.
Dinig na dinig ko ang bigat ng pagbuga niya ng hininga—yung tunog na parang wala siyang magawa kundi gawin na lang ang ginagawa niya.
"You can go out kung ayaw mo ng ginagawa mo," sabi ko saka sumiksik pa sa sulok at halos idikit ko na ang sarili ko sa pader. Ang kaso, useless din ang pag-urong ko kasi hinatak na naman niya ako palapit sa kanya at sa kanya na ako dumikit.
May AC sa loob pero biglang uminit pagdikit naming dalawa. Napalunok ako nang sobrang ingay.
Unti-unting lumalakas ang tunog ng tibok ng puso ko habang tahimik kaming dalawa.
Bigla na namang pumasok sa utak ko ang sinabi niya kanina sa so-called funny game nila.
"Kyline, hindi pa naman kayo kasal ni Leo. Ako na lang pakasalan mo! Kahit saang simbahan pa, basta ikaw!"
Habang kapag ako ang kausap niya, wala akong ibang marinig kundi, "Ayokong magpakasal sa 'yo."
Aware naman siyang dalawa na ang anak nina Ky at Leo, pero nakukuha niya pa ring mag-joke nang ganoon. I know that he was too close to Kyline kasi favorite din siyang kasama ng panganay nila. Kung tutuusin, puwede na siyang maging second father nina Eugene kaya duda akong joke lang ang sinabi niya kanina.
That pierced me to the core kasi kayang mag-alok ng kasal ni Clark sa babaeng may dalawa nang anak, samantalang sa akin, puro negative ang response niya, hino-hold pa ang status ko sa ere.
"Kung galit ka, ilabas mo 'yan," biglang sabi niya sa mahinang boses, at nangilabot ako kasi halos kadikit lang ng tainga ko ang bibig niya. "Ang bigat ng paghinga mo, hindi mo ba napapansin 'yan?"
Doon ko lang napansin ang sinasabi niya kaya pinigil kong huminga nang ilang segundo habang kagat ang labi at nagpipigil maiyak.
Why does everyone let me feel that I'm always unwanted?
"May sinabi si Rico kanina. Galit ka ba sa 'kin?"
Hindi ako sumagot. Baka sinabi sa kanya ni Kuya ang tungkol sa rant ko sa kanya.
"Kung ano man 'yon, then I'm sorry for being insensitive."
There was a huge lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow, and a tear fell from my eye and traveled across the bridge of my nose.
I tried to sob quietly, but I failed, so he pulled my arm, and I lay on my back just for him to see me cry in silence.
"Sorry na."
I looked like a petty kid on the verge of crying, with a crumpled chin and wrinkled corners of my lips.
The emotions already overwhelmed me, and I ended up wrapping my arms around his shoulder so I could cry with him.
Dapat galit ako sa kanya, pero ang isinisigaw ng utak ko, "Akin ka lang dapat."
"Huwag ka nang umiyak. Baka magalit sa 'kin kuya mo." Saglit siyang lumayo sa akin saka pinunasan ang mga mata ko. "Kung meron pa 'kong ginawang mali, sabihin mo agad para makapag-sorry ako. Huwag kang matutulog na masama ang loob."
"Pakakasalan mo si Kyline?"
Bigla siyang ngumiwi as if nakakadiri ang sinabi ko samantalang kanina, kung ipagsigawan niya 'yon sa harap nina Kuya, proud na proud pa siya.
"Sab, iiyakan mo 'yon? Gusto mo bang tadtarin ako nang buhay ni Leo?" di-makapaniwalang tanong niya. "Nagbibiruan lang kami, selos ka agad. May usapan na tayo, di ba?"
Mahina ko siyang sinampal sa kanang pisngi. "I hate you!"
"Arte, ha." Saglit niya akong dinampian ng halik sa noo saka siya nahiga sa katabi kong unan. "Sorry ka, kuya mo nasa asawa niya." Hinatak pa niya ako patabi lalo sa kanya saka niya tinapik-tapik ang hita ko para pampaantok gaya ng lagi niyang ginagawa. "Matulog ka na. Babantayan kita."
♥♥♥