my head spins, and i am back
in my childhood home
where love doesnt exist
katie maria
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ASTRID WALKED AIMLESSLY around Hogwarts, her mind overflowing with indescribable emotions. The weight of everything dragged her down, she felt exhausted as if she had been lugging around a bag full of rocks. Her thoughts were filled with her mother's dark eyes, the cold metal walls of Azkaban, the looming dementors; it was like she were reliving the memory as she walked through the halls. Astrid could vividly smell the rotten atmosphere and as she looked around she kept unintentionally spotting things that brought her back to that horrid place: an old greyed newspaper, markings on the wall that appeared to transfigure themselves into what she had seen behind cell doors. She felt trapped inside her head. How much she wished she wasn't this affected by a minuscule mention of Bellatrix.
She walked through the tall arched hallways, no rhyme to her path. She took rights and lefts blindly and trailed up and down countless staircases. Usually, she would admire the beauty that is Hogwarts, but today she had her eyes trained on the ground trying her best not to notice the overwhelming similarities. She wrapped her fist at the seam of her grey knit sweater, it was itching at her neck, and she was beginning to feel feverish under the hot early autumn wind that would breeze through the tall windows.
She decided to also skip her first class of Defense Against the Dark Arts, feeling like she wouldn't pay any attention anyway. Though she was mindlessly walking, she tried to avoid the west side of the castle, where the classroom was. She turned right, her silver converse were loud against the marble floor. Again, too absorbed in her own mind, she failed to see the class piling into a classroom and two professors at the end of the hallway.
"Ah, I'm glad you were able to find us Ms. Lestrange."
Astrid froze. Her converse no longer clashed against the floor, and slowly, she brought her eyes up from the floor to the Professor who had just called her out. Professor Lupin ( the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor ) , stood next to Professor Snape, he was leading the students into a classroom- one that was definitely not the defense room she was familiar with. Astrid concluded he must've changed the room for the lesson. The new Professor wore old, tattered cream robes, he had honey colored eyes that smiled on their own. He was covered in scars, and his caramel brown hair had loose curls. She had seen him at the start of the year banquet, but up close he seemed kinder, his tired face adorned with a soft smile.
"Er- must've got lost," she replied, still stuck to the floor.
Snape didn't find any humor in her comment. "Thirteen points from Gryffindor for not wearing your appropriate uniform." His eyes narrowed, "And detention, this Thursday. Ms. Lestrange, do make sure arrive this time."
"Sorry Professor, can't- Prefect's detention." She lied. Of course, she didn't actually have a prefect detention, but she was sure Cedric and Atlas would be more than pleased to lie for her. Flashing their annoying shiny badges to anyone with eyes.
Snape glared at her, his lips curving into a sneer. "Well then, I'm sure there must be space next week for a double detention. Or is your schedule too busy Lestrange?"
Astrid scowled, "I'll have to check." she muttered walking past the two professors into the classroom. She walked towards Seamus and Dean, who both looked extremely relieved having her back in their presence.
The classroom was filled with dust, Astrid was sure it hadn't been used in months, maybe even years. Lupin prepared the room for their lesson prior, pushing back all the chairs and tables to the sides of the room, leaving a large empty area in the middle. He came in, slightly after Astrid, and proceeded to walk towards the end of the room, where he stood next to an old cabinet that rattled on its legs.
"Nothing to worry about," the Professor assured, his face still adorned with the gentle smile. He leaned onto the side of the cabinet, his weight calming down a lot of the movement. "Theres a boggart inside. Now who can tell me what a boggart is?"
"A shapeshifter, sir," Hermione said out-loud, "It takes the form of your biggest fear."
Astrid immediately stiffened, her body subconsciously moved backwards, nearly bumping into Dean's chest. She tried to keep herself at ease, it must to be easy to manipulate your fears right?
"Correct, thirteen points to Gryffindor," Lupin scanned the room, his eyes falling on Nevillie Longbottom. "We'll have Neville demonstrate the process in which the boggart transforms- come on up Neville, no need to fear- then you'll each get your own turns facing the boggart."
Neville cautiously walked towards the Professor, stopping just before the wardrobe. He and Lupin whispered something to each other- no doubt his fear. Professor Lupin then explained to the class the counter spell, 'Riddikulus' he asked the class to follow along after him as he showed them the wand movement. After making sure Neville had the spell memorized, he called for the entire class to back up towards the wall, as the boggart would get confused if they were all too close.
He sat on-top of a stained table on the left side of the room, his eyes sparked with excitement.
The wardrobe opened slowly, the old wood creaking in the process. Slowly, an imitation of their potions professor crept out. He had the same unwelcoming stare and rude sneer, the boggart mimicked the professor perfectly. The class- alongside Astrid laughed airily as Neville backed down, his face contorted with fear and embarrassment.
"Remember Neville, it's not real!" Lupin called out.
"R-R-Riddikulus!" said Neville, his voice high-pitched like a mouse. The entire class watched awestruck as the loathsome professor suddenly wore a lime green knee-length dress. The mock professor pulled on the lace trim at the bottom, trying to cover up as much as possible. Instead of his usual black clothing, he now wore a bright pink tinsel-wrapped hat, and an orange fox fur belt. He carried a red crocodile print bag that matched perfectly with his red shiny heels. The entirety of the class burst with laughter, including Neville who looked relieved- to say the least.
"Bloody hell! Lupin's brilliant!" Seamus praised, his fellow Gryffindor classmates agreeing from beside him.
The boggart version of Snape tried and failed to cover itself, as embarrassment pooled in it's face. "I wish I could take a picture!" Dean laughed, his eyes trying to memorize every detail.
"Parvati forward!" Lupin grinned, he now sat lazily on the table, his two arms supporting his body as he leaned back.
Parvati's boggart turned into a bloody mummy, she fearfully yelled 'Riddikulus' as it came closer to her. Then went Ron Weasley, a large spider stood in front of him, but then crack! It was now trying to keep it's balance, the roller skates that had appeared on every one of its legs was surely making it quite difficult. Next, Lavender Brown, her boggart transformed into into a rattle snake, slithering towards her. But crack, and the end of the snake had become a rattle toy, it was too heavy and the snake was unable to move from its spot.
"Dean, next!"
Dean strutted forward, Astrid was half expecting Sirius Black to show up. But, crack- the boggart transformed into an inaudible Seamus who was screaming at him, anger practically pouring out. Dean fumbled with his wand, the counter spell making the boggart version of Seamus skip around, a large green beard appearing on his face. Dean came back flushed, he tried to not look at Astrid or Seamus who were staring at him- with very different expressions.
"You git!" Seamus hit his head, scowling. "How'd you do that?"
"Do what," Dean asked, not looking him in the eye.
"Y'know... change your fear."
Dean chewed on his bottom lip, "I didn't do that," he replied quietly. Seamus didn't look convinced.
"You oblivious nitwits." Astrid rolled her eyes, she had been trying to get them to admit their feelings but they always brushed her off or ignored her. She had long given up.
Next went Blaise Zabini who didn't look pleased to be called up. The boggart transformed into a broken vase, but just as fast as it had appeared, it disappeared. Replaced by a lousy version of Filch's evil cat, Ms. Norris chasing after her own tail. The class was silent, all looking oddly at Blaise.
"Erm- Astrid! Next!" Professor Lupin called out, clearing his throat.
Astrid wondered if there was a spell that allowed her to disappear, her disappointment covered as she walked towards the wardrobe. She kept her face steely. It was void of any displeasure, fear; she was masked once again, her emotions locked behind a metal gate. She tried to think about stupid things she might fear: rotten apples, daisies ( she was allergic ), the muggle santa, just anything that wouldn't leave her vulnerable in front of an audience of people who- for the most part weren't very likable towards her.
The boggart spun around, as if teasing her. Then pop! And the boggart had transformed into a mirror.
Astrid could've laughed if surprise didn't wash over her. It was a large old mirror, with a golden arched frame. The frame was decorated with scattered ancient markings and carved details, and the arch was pointed. The gold color was dimmed, and was noticeably chipping off at the sides. Astrid stared at her reflection uneasily, was she afraid of looking at herself in an old mirror?
But just before her eyes, her reflection began transforming, her ringlets of hair became crazed and unkept, and her eyes became dark- they lost that vividness that they usually glistened with. Her face was pale, paler than usual at least. And her cheeks were hollowed and sunken in as if she hadn't eaten for days. Her reflection had deep purple rings around her eyes, but most terrifyingly, her dull once-rosy lips smirked wickedly.
Astrid stumbled backwards, barely able to catch her breath. She scanned her face in the reflection, her eyes landing on the all too-familiar smirk. Her eyebrows were drawn together as she tried to figure out what any of this meant. And she wished she hadn't, but as she continued to observe the rest of her reflection, her eyes caught a glimpse of her own left arm. It was as if she forgot how to breathe once she saw it. She couldn't seem to take her eyes away from the dark mark on the girls left forearm- on her left arm. The green mark was prominent against her light skin, the skull and snake tattoo moved in unison. Astrid had never seen one so close, and she definitely hadn't ever seen someone flaunt it so shamelessly.
"We've made them so proud," Astrid's reflection said, her voice raspy and unrecognizable, "You desire this, you plead for it. And look I've gotten it." The reflection protruded out the tainted arm, proudness etched onto her face.
"No," Astrid whispered, inaudible to anyone but herself. Her eyes brimmed with tears, and she swore she could hear her heartbeat as it sped up. Or maybe she could hear her heart-break, she wasn't sure. "I don't want this," she once again whispered.
"Then why do you wish you were me? Astrid Lestrange the most powerful witch-"
Astrid couldn't handle it, this wasn't real she tried reminding herself. 'Riddikulus' was barley heard as it left her mouth. She flicked her hand, and wandlessly the old mirror had grown two legs and a mouth and began singing horribly out of tune. Like the furniture in Dora's favorite movie, Beauty and the Beast.
She didn't look back as she walked out the classroom, quietly muttering about needing to use the bathroom. She ignored the pressing eyes, she ignored the satisfied smirks, she ignored everyone as her converse clashed against the floor. Hot tears pooled out of her eyes, what type of sick lesson was that? Why couldn't Lupin have chosen anyone else- anyone but her?
She was running away, like always. She was running away like she did with her family, like she did with her name, like she did when anything got hard. Her breathing became erratic as she tugged at her skirt, pleading like a little girl to be covered up. Her wand was slipping out of her bun and little strands of her curly hair had begun falling into her face. She tried to brush them away, but they stuck onto the tear trails. She ran through the cold hallways, finally finding an dark, boarded up classroom. Astrid fell to the floor as she closed the door behind her. The emptiness gave her security, no one was there to judge her.
So, Astrid sobbed frantically, her hand came up to cover her mouth like she did when she was little. Her wet lips dampened her palm, as her other hand went to grab at her chest. She wildly tangled her fingers in between the little holes of the knit sweater, trying to get closer to her heart, trying to rip out through her skin to rid herself of the her fathomless, drowning melancholy.
She sobbed into her palm like the little girl she once was. She would- could never become that, she tried to reassure herself. Right?
Right?
Right?
Astrid didn't know why she couldn't promise herself something so simple.
And on the other side of the castle, stood a motionless Harry Potter, who stared transfixed at the door that was left ajar. One single question swarming his mind: Why was Astrid Lestrange's biggest fear the mirror of erised?
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this is so depressing i'm sorry
but happy holidays!!!