Love can be really easy for some people. And for others it can be extremely hard, especially if they've never experienced it. Communication and honesty is always important.
ENJOY!
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Chapter Twelve.
School was about to finish.
I finally sat up and let Josh and Violet distract me. They actually had me smiling, which I'd felt for a moment back there I was never gonna do again.
"Oh, babe, it hurts my heart seeing you like that," Violet sighed to me. "Seriously. I was so scared. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to wrap you up in my arms and hold you tight, and never let you go. If I could hold you safe, and protect you, and never let anything hurt you ever again, I would. If I had to sell my soul in exchange for your happiness, I would do it without hesitation."
"Same," Josh grinned at me.
"I'd kill Silas and Joel for you, if it would make you feel better," Violet insisted.
"I'd help," Josh added.
"They're such idiots, but Silas is by far the biggest idiot ever." Violet threw her arms in the air, exasperated. "All of this is entirely his fault. All of this could have been avoided if he just talked about his feelings, instead of hiding them. Stupid male."
"It's not his fault, it's mine," I sighed.
Violet and Josh shared a look with each other.
"This really isn't your fault, Ryan," Josh said to me, serious all of a sudden. "I hope you know that."
I shook my head. "It is, though. I knew what I was doing, and I completely understand why Joel is upset about it. I just don't understand what I did to upset Silas so badly. I thought he was okay with everything. I'm so confused." I buried my face in my hands and sighed.
Violet stared at me for a moment, seeming to think something over, and then she said, "Oh, for heaven's sake. If he wont tell you, I will."
I peered at her through my fingers, confused. "Tell me what?"
"Silas likes you," she said plainly.
"What? No he doesn't," I scoffed, dropping my hands into my lap.
"He's liked you for years, Ryan. He loves the fact that he was your first kiss. Why do you think he offered?" She was talking to me like I was an idiot, which annoyed me.
I was flabbergasted. "He was just doing a nice thing for a friend. He was just helping me out, because I was nervous, that's all. You know that."
"Yes, he was trying to take your nerves away. But he wanted to be your first, because he wanted to kiss you. He never offered to do that for anyone else." Violet rolled her eyes, as if I was stupid.
I scowled at her. "Why are you being like this? We all know what Silas is like. He doesn't really like anyone. He just messes around. He's never serious about anyone."
"He's never serious about anyone else. He wont commit to any relationship, because he doesn't think it's fair to the other person while he still has feelings for you. That's why he has a playboy reputation, he doesn't actually sleep with everyone," she stated. I turned to Josh to back me up here.
"He does still sleep with some people though," Josh added.
"This is ridiculous. Tell her Josh. Silas isn't... he doesn't... just tell her."
"Sorry, mate. It's true," he shrugged.
"That's why he got so upset. He's jealous," Violet explained.
"Silas likes me?" I was in complete disbelief.
"Yes!"
"Romantically?"
"Yes, Ryan!"
I didn't believe it. They had to be mistaken. Silas liked me? No way. He could have anyone he wanted, anyone at all. He was so amazing, and so handsome, and so funny. He was, like, the most amazing person on the planet. There was no way he would pick me. I was no one special. I was nothing. There wasn't even anything about me for him to like.
Violet and Josh could see they hadn't convinced me.
"We've known he liked you for a while," Violet continued. "He didn't want you to know. But then things changed, you realised you really liked guys, which gave us hope."
"If that's true-" I didn't want to even entertain the idea, but Violet seemed insistent. "-Why didn't he tell me?"
My face flushed red.
Oh shit, wait. I asked him ages ago why he didn't date, and he'd said something about it being because of someone he liked, right? I hadn't believed him, why would I? But could he have been telling the truth?
"He wanted to. But you were interested in someone else, and he didn't want to get in the way. We tried to warn him," Josh rolled his eyes.
We were all silent for a moment while I processed everything.
I didn't believe it. How could I? It was complete rubbish. But it did, sort of, kind of, maybe explain Silas' behaviour, better than anything else I'd been able to come up with. If I thought back to what Silas had said to me... it did make sense... but still...
"So, how do you feel about him?" Violet asked me.
"I... I don't know. He's my friend," I frowned.
"So if I kissed you right now, you'd like it just as much?" she asked sceptically, arms crossed over her chest. A flash of an image of me kissing Violet popped into my head. I shied away from it.
"No, of course not." I could barely picture it, it was too weird, like kissing a sister or something. So gross.
"What about if I kissed you?" Josh asked. "I'm a guy. Are you interested?" Again the flash of an image. I screwed my face up in disgust.
"No way. I don't feel that way about you, you're my... friend." It hit me like a freaking freight train. Oh... well shit.
"So why is it okay to kiss Silas? Isn't he a friend too?" Violet smiled. She knew she was finally getting through to me.
It was fine with Silas because I liked him, romantically. I was physically attracted to him. I wanted to be with him.
"I'm such an idiot," I groaned, dropping my face into my hands.
"You both are," Josh laughed.
I'd made such a mess of everything. Silas hates me now, and I deserved it for being so damn thick. I'd messed him around without even knowing it. Everything he said was true. Why hadn't I realised sooner? I wanted to date Silas, not Joel. It was him, it was always him. Not that I didn't like Joel, but with Silas it was so much more than just nice. With Silas it was amazing.
"You've always been slow when it came to relationship stuff, it was part of your charm," Violet consoled. "We tried so hard not to meddle. We wanted you to figure it out for yourself, when you were ready, but it's gotten so out of hand now. It doesn't help that Si is so damn stubborn."
"It's up to you what you want to do next," Josh grinned. "It's never too late to say you're sorry, and tell him how you feel." I straightened up.
They were right. As much as it scared me to face either of them ever again, I wasn't faultless in all this, and needed to own up to my part in it. "You're right. The least I can do is apologise." Especially to Joel. Though we hadn't been technically dating, what Silas and I had done behind his back was wrong. He hadn't deserved that. I needed to end things with him properly, before I saw Silas.
My mission was set, my goal was clear. I knew what I had to do, and I was scared shitless.
"That's my boy," Josh chuckled, encouraging me.
I took a deep breath, and then exited the vehicle.
The cool air outside helped clear my mind a little. I was still shaky, and still a little weak, but I had to do this. Because doing this, even if neither of them accepted my apology, might help prove to myself that I was, somehow, worth it.
With all the strength I could muster, I took a step forward, and then another, and another, until I was walking back into the school.
I knew where Joel would be, Biology. As I approached the classroom, the bell went for the end of the school day. The sudden loud sound made me jump. My poor little heart was already rattled, thanks world!
I waited patiently outside for the class to clear. All the students filed out, but there was no sign of either Silas or Joel. This threw me off for a moment, but I composed myself and pulled my phone out of my pocket, dialling Joel's number.
It rang, and rang, and rang, until he finally picked up.
"Hey..." Joel's voice sounded distant.
I took a deep breath, remembering the look on his face the last time I'd seen him. It felt like a lifetime ago, and at the same time, only minutes. I couldn't believe Silas had actually punched him. I couldn't believe he'd punched Silas back.
"Where are you?" I asked, instead of saying hi.
"At home," he answered plainly. It threw me off for a moment.
"At home? Why aren't you at school?"
"What do you want, Ryan?" So he wanted to get straight to the point. He was clearly still upset with me.
"So... you found out," I began. It wasn't a question.
"Silas was the one who told me," he mused.
"He... what? Never mind, it doesn't matter. The point is, I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you." I'd have to bring that up with Silas later on. It was actually easier saying all this to Joel over the phone, rather than face to face.
Students were passing me in the hall on their way out of the school, but none of them paid me any attention.
"I noticed the hickey right away, on our date," Joel started. "I didn't know then who gave it to you, but it made me insanely jealous. And when I found out it was from Silas... I didn't have the right to question you about it. It was one date. He was right about one thing, you're not my boyfriend, and I don't own you. You can do whatever you want." Man, did I feel guilty right now.
"But I shouldn't have. It wasn't the right thing to do, and I'm so sorry. I didn't really know what it was that I wanted. I thought I wanted a boyfriend, and I didn't think Silas could give me that."
"I think I missed my chance. I should have spoken to you the very next day after I kissed you, and it would have been fine, but I got scared. I'm such an idiot."
"It's not your fault. I shouldn't have been kissing Silas when we'd already agreed to go out."
"You never would have kissed him at all if I'd just spoken to you properly. We could have been together."
"Maybe," I told him, for his sake, running my fingers through my hair. But I didn't think it was true.
If I was understanding things correctly, Silas would have told me about how he felt sooner or later, now that we all knew I was gay. And I wasn't sure that if he'd confessed to me properly, even if I was dating someone else, I would have said no to him, given how strongly I felt about him right now. Given how much I wanted him right now.
If Joel and I had started dating, and Silas had confessed to me – in a way that made me believe him – I couldn't imagine not throwing myself into his arms.
"I really am sorry," I tried apologetically.
"No, I'm sorry. You can't help how you feel. He's a good guy, I guess," Joel chuckled darkly.
"Yeah." Yeah, he really was. I needed to go find him.
"No hard feelings?" Joel offered. It was probably more than I deserved.
"Of course not," I smiled. "Don't suppose you know where Silas is, by any chance?" I knew I was pushing my luck, but I needed to know.
"He went home," he answered flatly again.
I was shocked. "How do you know?"
"I saw him leave. His mum came and picked him up. We got suspended for fighting..." Joel sighed.
My temper flared. "What? It was one punch? No offence, but that's bullshit. Eddie Portsmith goes around punching people all the time and barely gets detention, just cause he's rich. The stupid faculty just have it in for Si because he doesn't wear the uniform the way they want him to. All they care about is their stupid bloody rules. I can't believe..." I trailed off, realising I was going on a tangent.
"You know I was suspended too, right?" Joel asked. I didn't know what to say, I had made myself obvious, and Joel knew it.
"I do like you," I told him.
"But you like him more," Joel answered. It wasn't a question, he knew. "So, are you going to tell him how you feel?" he added. He did not sound amused.
I sighed. "If he'll listen, yeah. I have to find him first."
"I should go, my parents are pretty mad at me about getting into a fight..."
"Okay." I wasn't inclined to chat any longer. "Bye," I said quickly, and hung up the phone. A little curt, maybe, but I had to prioritise.
I didn't even bother going to my locker and getting my stuff. I went straight to the student parking lot and got into my car. I didn't stop to see if Josh and Violet were still in her car or not.
I drove anxiously in silence to Silas' house, not focusing too much on the speed limit, and pulled up out the front of their house, half parked on the road. But I hesitated in the car, my hands still gripping the steering wheel so tight my knuckles were white. My car still stunk of tobacco, but I tired to ignore it as I took slow deep breaths. My heart was racing, I was so nervous.
There was a small voice in the back of my head that invaded my thoughts. What if it didn't end well?
What if Silas and I got together, and then broke up? Because we would, because I always ruined things, because my shit always got in the way, and I could never be what anyone wanted me to be.
Would we be able to stay friends after that? Or would I lose him completely? Was it worth the risk? Maybe he liked me now, but how long would that last? Maybe I should just go home and let him cool off...
My body had been through so much today, I wasn't sure it would be able to handle anything else. I really didn't think I could handle Silas yelling at me again, or worse, if he cried. I could just drive home, curl up in my bed, and wait it out.
Joel had forgiven me, sort of. Maybe Silas would forgive me too? And we could be friends again? And everything could go back to the way it was before.
Did I want that?
There was such a large portion of me that wanted to just run away, but a larger part of me wanted to see him, even if he was still angry with me. And though I knew his rejection would destroy me, I wanted to be brave. I had to be brave.
I just had to go, just put one foot in front of the other, and not think too much about it.
I yanked my seat-belt off, swung my door open, threw myself out of my car, and slammed the door behind me. If one of the neighbours was watching me now, that would have looked pretty dramatic and stupid. I didn't care right now, I would hyper-fixate on it later in bed.
I went straight for the side gate. It was unlocked, which was a good sign. Then I tried the garage door- it was open too. I sighed with relief; it would have been locked if someone wasn't home. But as I entered, the house was dark and silent. I couldn't hear a sound.
Approaching cautiously, I noticed Silas' door was slightly open, so I pushed it back the rest of the way and walked in.
He was sitting on the edge of his bed holding an ice-pack over his face, but when I came into the room he jumped to his feet, dropping the pack from his eye. His right eye was bruised and slightly swollen. It looked painful.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, frowning. He looked both angry and confused, but definitely not happy to see me. He looked so much more menacing with black hair. My heart faltered, my courage waned, but I clenched my hands into fists and persisted. I needed to say what I came here to say, and if he turned me away, then I deserved that.
"Why didn't you tell me how you felt?" I asked him shakily.
"I did tell you, several times," he scowled.
"You should have tried harder." I needed to calm down, it kind of sounded like I was picking a fight, and that wasn't what I wanted.
"You should of-" Silas started, but he cut himself off and sighed. "You're right," he admitted, sitting back down on the edge of his bed, the ice pack in his lap. "Violet and Josh warned me, I didn't listen. I should have made my feelings clearer. I was just... scared. I'm sorry."
My heart twinged. I wanted so badly to go to him, but I didn't know if he'd want that.
"I'm the biggest idiot in the entire world, Si," I began. I hadn't rehearsed what I was going to say, I just let my feelings pour out of me. "I'm so sorry. I honestly never meant to hurt you, I just never believed someone as amazing as you would ever actually be interested in me, I never even considered it, and I was so used to us just being friends, that I took you for granted. I didn't notice you properly.
"You were right, I never really considered your feelings in all of this mess. I didn't think it was possible for you... for us... I'm just so sorry. Violet and Josh helped me finally figure things out. Si, I like you. I like you so much, and I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out. If you can ever forgive me, I want to be with you, properly, officially."
Silas had stayed completely motionless the entire time I was pouring my heart out, and when I was done, he sighed. "I told you I loved you so many times, and you didn't believe me. You made me feel like I was invisible to you. But I shouldn't have said the things to you that I said. I was hurting, and I'm sorry for being such a dick." He was talking, communication, this was a good thing. And what he said gave me signs of hope. I could do this. I just had to keep being completely honest.
"I'm so sorry too. I said some really nasty things to you too. I didn't mean it, I was just confused, and scared."
Silas was silent, thinking it over. I wasn't above pleading and begging, so I dropped to my knees in the middle of the floor and put my hands together. "Please? Please! We don't have to go out, but I can't lose you. Can't we still be friends? Si, I need you. I can't live without you. Please!"
"Get up," Silas scoffed, grabbing my arm and yanking me back to my feet, standing again too. He dropped the ice pack behind him on his bed.
"Please?!" I cried desperately.
"You idiot," he snorted. "I've liked you for five years, you really think I'd choose to go back to being just friends now that you actually like me?" His smirk took my breath away.
I blinked at him. Wow, my heart. There was a huge difference between Violet and Josh saying it, and actually hearing Silas say it; it gave me goosebumps. I still found it kind of hard to believe, but it was a lot harder now to deny.
"Does this mean you forgive me?" I asked hopefully, still a little on edge. I was still waiting to be yelled at again.
Silas lifted a hand and caressed my cheek. "How could I not. I've been waiting such a long time to hear you say that." My heart fluttered again. I was having a sort of out of body experience or something. This didn't feel real.
"So you like me?" I questioned suspiciously.
"Yes," he smiled.
"Romantically?"
He snorted again. "Yes, romantically."
"Really?" I cocked an eyebrow at him.
"Yes, really!" he insisted.
I frowned. "But why?"
"Ryan, you are the most kind, caring, considerate and selfless person I have ever met. I adored you from the moment we met." He said it so matter-of-factually, like it was something that was so obvious to everyone.
"Are you sure?"
"You can believe that I'd forgive you, but you wont believe that I'm in love with you?" he was amused. But I was freaking out. Literal tingles. He just said the thing!
"It's hard to believe. You're so... and I'm so..."
He grinned at me. "I'm so what?"
I looked away awkwardly. "Pfft, you know what you're like."
Silas leaned his head towards mine slightly. "What if I want to hear you say it?"
I blushed, trying to look anywhere but at him. "Well, I mean, you're so... handsome. And amazing. And funny. And I'm-"
Silas cut me off, grabbing my face and turning it back to look at him, staring me right in the eyes. "You better not talk bad about the person I love," he warned me. I gulped, shivering. He keeps saying it! Ah!
"Maybe... Depends," I tried to act innocently. It was so easy to fall back into our usual behaviour.
"On?" He made just one word sound so alluring.
I blushed. "On who the person you love is..."
"You, idiot." I would never get enough of hearing him say it.
"Yeah, I'm an idiot," I agreed.
Silas stepped against me, our clothes brushing together, he was standing so close. His expression was serious again. "Say it again," he breathed.
I felt my heart-rate rising. He had to know what he was doing to me, right? "What? That I'm an idiot? You said not to talk bad about-"
"Not that. Tell me how you feel about me again."
"Oh," I blushed again. "Um, I..."
"You declared it so easily before?" he pointed out.
"I... I..." My mouth felt dry, my throat thick all of a sudden.
He stepped back and sighed. "Alright, don't force yourself if you don't want to." He looked disappointed. No, don't be sad!
"I want you, I mean, I want to. Well, both. I-I love you," I blurted out my declaration.
We stared at each other for a second, then Silas grabbed me and kissed me. And for a moment it felt like everything was right with the world.
I kissed him with so much enthusiasm that we fell back onto his bed. I might have felt self-conscious about us laying on his bed, except his hands were under my shirt and his tongue was in my mouth, so we were kind of past being self-conscious.
All my worries had vanished in an instant. The darkness was pushed back where it belonged. That little voice of doubt was silenced. It was like it always was when I was with Silas, when we were in each other's arms; carefree and content. I had been so stupid not to notice, but I didn't know back then what I was looking for. That this is what it felt like to love someone, and be loved in return.
I suddenly remembered something, and sat up, straddling him with my hands on his chest to hold myself up. He looked up at me, surprised but smiling, with his hands on my hips.
"You told Joel about us," I accused, frowning.
Silas bit his lip, cringing. "Ah, yeah, sorry about that."
"Why?" I demanded.
He laughed nervously. "The guy was bragging to his friends about how well your relationship was going, and how it was only a matter of time before you were officially boyfriends. I got jealous, alright? I wanted to shut him up."
I pouted. "That's not a good enough excuse."
Silas closed his eyes and sighed through his nose. "I know. I'm a horrible human being. I'm petty, and jealous, and possessive, okay?"
I smirked and leaned back down, touching the tip of my nose to his. He opened his eyes in surprise. "Yeah," I chuckled. "But I love you anyway."
"God, damn," he breathed.
"It's my birthday next week," I scowled. "Were you really gonna stay mad at me on my birthday?"
We sat up properly on the bed, but kept our limbs intertwined. I didn't want to stop touching him, so I guess he wasn't the only one who was possessive.
"No," he was serious again for a moment. "And I wasn't mad at you, I was jealous, and heartbroken." My heart ached thinking about the pain I'd caused him.
"Can I kiss it better?" I offered.
Silas grinned. "Please do."
I leaned my face in to his, going in for a kiss, but at the last second, I licked him instead.
"Why didn't you just talk to me?" I cried, smacking him on the arm.
"I was scared of losing you," he cried back. "I thought it might make you feel uncomfortable being around me."
"You had to realise that wouldn't happen once we started making out!"
"Well, yeah. But you liked someone else!" We were exclaiming dramatically at each other.
"Because I didn't even know you were an option!"
"Does this mean you'll go out with me?" he asked, cocking that eyebrow at me.
"Officially? As in boyfriends?" I asked.
"Yeah, officially boyfriends." He rolled his eyes.
"I'll think about it," I teased.
"Oi, you!" He growled, pushing me off his bed. I fell backwards onto the floor with a small thud, and burst out laughing.
"Of course I want to date you," I chuckled. "I want to be your boyfriend more than anything!"
Silas clamoured off his bed and helped me up. "I'm sorry for pushing you."
"I deserved it," I shrugged. Silas leaned his face in and pressed his forehead against mine.
"I think Joel must have punched me really hard, and now I'm seeing things," he whispered. "You can't really be here. I'm imaging this. Are we actually dating?"
I grinned, placing my hands around his neck gently. "That's my line. Half an hour ago I thought my world was coming to an end."
"Silly," he chuckled.
Just then a face appeared in the door.
"Ryan? What are you doing here? And Silas, you are grounded," Mrs. Jones frowned. Silas turned to face his mother, but kept one arm around me. I instantly dropped my own two arms by my side, my face going bright red.
"I'm already suspended," Silas protested. "Why am I grounded to?"
"You punched someone in the face," she retorted angrily. "That kind of behaviour is unacceptable. I'm sorry, Ryan love, but you're going to have to leave."
"No, mum, five more minutes!" Silas protested dramatically.
"No, now!" Mrs. Jones insisted.
"He deserved it. I was defending Ryan's honour!"
I hung my head. "You were also defending your own honour," I mumbled.
"Yeah, and my own honour!"
"I don't care what that boy said, you do not resort to physical violence." Mrs. Jones paused when she realised the two of us were embracing. "Are you two together?" she asked, seeming to lose her anger for a moment.
"Yes!" Silas informed her, but in the same tone he'd been arguing back at her with. "Ryan is my boyfriend now." I blushed even redder.
Mrs. Jones thought it over a moment. "Fine, five minutes. But then you're grounded, young man." And she stormed off.
Silas hugged me and giggled. "I think my mum's been waiting for this almost as long as I have," he laughed.
"That's so embarrassing," I cringed. He kissed my cheek.
"Shh, I want to spend these precious five minutes kissing my boyfriend," he breathed, and then caught my lips with his. I wasn't going to complain.
~
Oh, we're halfway there. Woah, living on a prayer!
More than half of you will be too old to understand that reference. It makes me feel so old. But really, we're halfway through the story. It will be interesting to see how things progress from here...