If I just didn't break my boundaries, maybe it didn't happen. If I just didn't wish for freedom, maybe it became a different path I am taking. Maybe I'll be less guilty.
Only by not crossing the line I made by myself, it will not hurt anyone. But I already did. The boundaries I made were already crossed. The comfort zone I broke was coming back to me to cage me again. The only remedy for what I did was to distance myself. To let them free from me.
I need to cut ties with everyone. To Luke, especially. I am a huge impact on him. Kahit hindi niya sabihin, alam kong naaapektuhan ko siya. At hindi na iyon maganda.
I entered into this relationship for love. The love I thought was genuine and will never disappoint me. However, this relationship became a mess. It was no longer giving me peace. It is making me think of my mistakes. I will not be able to give love to Luke if I am in this state of life.
Love might be powerful, yet it is one of the hardest things to fulfill. Love can also be a weakness. Weakness that will consume the person who's inside the relationship. I can no longer provide it. And it is unfair.
My decision was purely for him. I don't want to ruin Luke. I don't want to make him feel the things he doesn't deserve.
"Let's break up, Luke." Just by words, it made me shiver. I want to take it back.
The decision that I thought I can do, made me want to rethink and take what I said.
The look on his face breaks me. He's hurting.
I'm sorry, Luke... But I need to do this for you.
"Don't say that..." he said, almost crying. "I know you don't mean it."
Seeing him in pain wants me to slap myself. How dare you hurt Luke like this?
"Love naman..." he said. "Bawiin mo sinabi mo, please, love?"
I look him straight in the eye. "I'm afraid I can't take it back, Luke. Let's end this."
He looks down and goes back into my eyes. "We're just okay yesterday, Tix," he walked near me. "You said you love me yesterday, love,"
Nang hihina ang tuhod ko. Parang gusto ko na lang na mawalan ng malay.
"I don't want to make you suffer anymore, Luke," I said. "Look at you, Luke, you are slowly broken."
He shook his head. "No, I am not suffering."
"Yes, you are!" I cannot stop myself from raising my voice. "You are suffering, Luke! Y-you... I heard you crying—"
"No... no..." paulit-ulit niyang iling. "Don't break up with me, love, please,"
I cried. "Please, Luke! Please, please run away from me! I am a monster, Luke! I don't want to ruin you anymore!"
"You are not a monster! You are not ruining me! Please don't say that, don't ever say that to yourself because you will never ruin me and you will never be a monster!"
"But I already am! I am becoming a monster who will ruin you and me! Please! Just please let's end this," I cried. "H-hangga't maaga pa, Luke, palayain na natin ang isa't isa. 'Wag na natin sirain nang tuluyan ang relasyon na 'to."
He just cried with me until he kneeled. "Please, don't do this, love," he sniffed. "I am willing to be ruined, Tix. I will be glad to be ruined if it was you! I am willing to be a monster, too!"
"See? See, Luke? You are willing to do everything to me and it is bad, Luke! It is not good for us! It is not why we started this relationship! Please! Please! I am b-begging you, Luke... Let go of me. D-don't cage yourself because of me. I will never let you do things just because of me!" I screamed, kneeling in front of him.
We are both kneeling and suffering.
"D-don't make it harder for me, Luke..." almost a whisper. "It's hard to do this, Luke. It's also hard for me to do this,"
"Then don't, Tix," he said. "Don't suffer alone, love, I am here, and I'll suffer with you."
"No..." I held his face and smiled. "I love you, Luke, please l-let go of me,"
He cried more and touched my hand to cry himself while kissing it. I am crying with him.
"S-sorry," I cried, "please don't be mad at me,"
We stayed in that position for hours. We're both kneeling and crying.
Am I selfish? Am I selfish with the decision I made? I don't want to be his downfall. I don't want to bring him down with me. That is the last thing I'll do in my entire life.
"I-if... If we break up, will you be happy?" he asked, still crying.
I couldn't answer. How can I be happy? If even now I can't make myself smile.
"If yes, then... then I'll let you go."
Don't make me answer that, love.
"Y-yes," I stuttered.
That is the biggest lie I ever said.
He got up and held me to do so, too. He guided me to sit. He held my hand as if he'll never hold it again.
We're just both sniffing. We stayed like that until I saw a glimpse of the sun.
"If ever you change your mind, I'll take you back. I'll hold you and will never let go again." He sniffed, holding my hand carefully. "Promise me you'll be okay. Promise me you'll never think twice to run to me if you'll need someone."
I nod. "I promise, Luke. I promise."
"Then I'll be okay, as long as you'll be fine."
"I love you, Luke," I whispered, hugging him tightly, don't want to let go.
"I love you, Liza Keilyn Tijana," hugging me back.
I love you all my life, Luke. Please find happiness without me.
I ended it. I fucking did it. I may be in pain because I did, but I am also relieved about the choice I made. I'll just hope it will turn out the best decision and I hope I'll not regret what I did.
"Tita, Tito, sorry po at naka abala pa po ako sa inyo. Thank you po sa pag tanggap sa akin." I started. "Thank you po ng sobra."
Hinawakan naman ni Tita Emma ang kamay ko. "Hija anak, kahit kailan ay hindi ka abala. Masaya nga ako't dito mo gustong tumuloy kahit na alam kong masakit sa'yo. Masakit din sa amin pero kahit sa kaunting panahon na kasama namin si Arya, sobrang saya namin." Aniya naiiyak. "Pero ikaw, Liza, ikaw ang kasama niya noong panahong nahihirapan siya. Kinwento niya sa amin kung gaano mo siya inalagaan at minahal. Sobrang tuwang-tuwa siyang nakilala ka niya."
Umiiyak ako habang inaalala ang mga panahong sandalan namin ang isa't isa. Mga panahong hindi ko alam kung mangyayari pa ba.
"At... alam kong sobra kang nahihirapan ngayon dahil pati ang bunso mong kapatid ay wala na rin," humihikbi niyang saad. "Mahal na mahal ka ni Arya, Liza, kaya 'wag mo sisihin ang sarili mo sa bagay na hindi mo naman kasalanan."
Umiling ako. "No, Tita... Kung sana lang ay hindi ko siya sinundan dito, hindi niya narasanan na masaktan ulit. K-kasalanan ko kasi hindi ko man lang siya pinagtanggol noong kailangan niya ako. Tita, mahal na mahal ko si Arya, pero b-binigo ko siya noong panahong kailangan niya ako."
"'Hindi ka niya kailanman sinisi, 'nak," hikbi niya at niyakap ako. "Never blame yourself for the death of others. For the death of Arya and Linus, your brother. They will never be happy thinking that you blame yourself for their death."
Nag-iyakan kami habang si Tito Sebastian ay tinapik lang ang braso namin pero nakiki iyak din.
"I heard you, 'nak. I heard you crying in Arya's room, blaming yourself and pleading for her to switch your position with her," she cried loudly. "Please, don't do that again. D-don't be bad to yourself, 'nak. We are always here for you. Don't ever hesitate to come to us if you need help. You are part of our family."
I left that house with relief in my heart. I am thankful for what they said. Arya's lucky, indeed.
I wonder what it feels like. The family you will go to when you need some strength. I am curious about how they should react when you are hurt. How they will treat you when you're suffering from illness. Will they cry with me if I am in pain?
How I hope I'll experience that. Ever since I was a kid, I am dreaming of them caring for me. Ask if I am doing fine. Ask if I am hurt somewhere.
It's been a week since Luke and I broke up. It's hard. Especially since I became dependent on him. I am used to him being at my side every time. Through sadness, happiness, and suffering. If I didn't become dependent, maybe it will be less hard for me.
Maybe I am just comfortable with the idea of us always being together. That we are both going to be on each other's shoulders.
I love him to the point that I do not even want to be away from him. I just want him on my side all the time.
However, it is caging us. Caging us with the idea that no one will tear us apart. Though, we didn't realize that we were already caged. We became comfortable in that cage that we thought was okay. Until it is suffocating us, hardly. The cage was too small for both of us, one should find the key to open it. And I am the one who unlocked it. I am the one who held the other one to get away from that cage. And I ruined that cage, forcefully. It is connected to my heart that is aching for not breaking that cage. But I needed to.
I run away from him. Afraid of being the villain of our own love story.
The consequences of my action will be only for me. I am homeless. I have nowhere to go.
I am here at the playground, looking pathetic who has luggage on her side. I am staring at nowhere as if waiting for someone to arrive.
But I immediately erased that thought. No one will arrive. It is just me now. No one will help me. Everyone besides me was already shooed by me.
Fuck you, Liza, you're such a mess! You are now homeless with no one around!
When the sky was already dark, my heart suddenly raced. As if someone will do bad to me. I hid somewhere, where no one will see me.
It is quiet and dark here. When there was a group of guys who passed, I hid. My heart burst into nervousness.
They passed without noticing I am there. I am relieved to the point that I am crying. I cried for myself. I cried, taking pity for what was happening to me.
I cried for hours while hiding in the dark side of the playground.
I wanted to call Luke, but the thought of him looking at me in this state, he will blame himself.
I also thought of Belle, but she will just pity me. Probably cry when she'll see how helpless I am.
I don't want my friends to worry about me. It is my decision and they don't have a part in it.
But the thought of Arya came. But it just made me cry more. If she's alive and she knows this, she'll probably cry with me. She'll probably hug me until I am okay.
Arya, Linus, are you together? Nag lalaro siguro kayo nina Ate Jessy, 'no? Pinag t-tsismis-an niyo siguro ako?
Natawa ako sa sariling naisip. Para akong baliw na umiiyak at tumatawa.
Nang maya-maya ay tumayo na ako at kinuha ang maleta ko. Mag babaka sakali sa isang lugar na naiisip ko.
Sana, tanggapin nila ako.
"Gaga, I missed you!" salubong sa akin ni Morgan nang makita niya akong papasok sa karinderya.
Walang mga tao dahil sarado na sila. Anong oras na rin kasi.
Sinalubong niya ako ng mainit na yakap na siyang ginantihan ko.
"Ang tagal nating hindi nag kita, bilat," nguso niya pa. "Tara, sa kwarto ka muna."
Inalalayan niya ako at tinulungang buhatin ang maleta patungo sa kwarto niya.
"Si 'Tay Lando?" tanong ko, luminga-linga para hanapin.
"Naku, ayun at may pinuntahan saglit! Gabing-gabi na ay gumagala pa!" stress niyang sabi.
"Sumbong kita, ah?"
"Samahan pa kita,"
Pinag pahinga muna ako ni Morgan sa kwarto at hindi na ako nakipag talo. Wala pa akong tulog at nang hihina rin ako.
Madaling araw nang magising ako. Bumaba ako para tignan kung ano na ang ginagawa nila. Naabutan ko silang nag hihiwa ng mga karne at mga sangkap na gagamitin para mamaya. May naka salang na rin sa lutuan siguro ay para sa almusal ng mga bibili.
"'Tay Lando, good morning po," panimula ko. "Good morning, Morgan,"
Nagulat pa sila dahil sa biglang pag sulpot ko. Napamura pa si Morgan nang malakas dahil sa gulat. Kulang na lang ay sumpain niya ako.
"Tangina, muntik na mahiwa daliri ko!" sigaw niya at naka hawak pa sa dibdib.
"Sorry," tawa ko.
"Ay, nakaka tawa, beh?" ngiwi niya.
"Tigilan niyo na nga at mag-a-almusal na tayo," sabat ni 'Tay Lando.
Kumuha naman ako ng mga pinggan, baso, at kutsara't tinidor. Nag lagay naman si 'Tay Lando ng iba't ibang ulam. Si Morgan naman ay dinaramdam niya pa rin ang pagka gulat niya kanina. Muntik na raw kasi talagang maputol ang daliri niya.
"Sorry, Morgan," seryoso kong paumanhin.
"Hindi mo naman kasalanan, bilat! Nasobrahan lang ako sa kape," nguso niyang ani.
Natawa naman si 'Tay Lando sa kaniya. "'Yan kasi, hindi nag hihinay-hinay sa kape," iiling-iling niya pang sabi.
"Taray, 'Tay Lando, coming from you talaga, ah? Eh, ikaw nga onting kalabog ng kutsara't tinidor, nagugulat ka na," pang-aasar ni Morgan.
Natawa ako at nag simulang kumain.
"'Nak, dito ka na ba ulit mag ta-trabaho? 'Wag pilitin ang sarili kung hindi kaya, huh? Kahit hindi ka mag trabaho, welcome ka rito, 'nak."
Ngumiti naman ako. "Mag ta-trabaho po ako 'Tay Lando. Kailangan ko rin po kasi ng pera,"
Tumango naman siya. "Ikaw ang bahala, 'nak. Masaya ako't naka balik ka na." May sasabihin pa sana siya pero mukhang nag dadalawang-isip ngunit sa huli ay sinabi pa rin. "Condolence, 'nak,"
"Condolence, Liza," saad ni Morgan.
Ngumiti ako pero hindi ito umabot sa mata ko.
"O siya, tayo na't malapit na tayo mag bukas." Pag-iiba nila ng topic.
"Oo nga, 'Tay Lando. Mag hugas ka na riyan," utos niya.
"Tarantado ka ba?"
"Joke lang naman kasi, 'Tay Lando! 'To naman, para naman akong others!" tumakbo na siya palayo kay 'Tay Lando na naka handa ang tsinelas na pamalo. "Love you, 'Tay!"
"Tse!" pabirong saad ni 'Tay Lando at nag kunwaring hair flip.
Hanggang ngayon ay tumatawa ako dahil sa kanilang dalawa. Alam kong pinagagaan lang nila loob ko kaya sila gano'n. At effective namam dahil masaya ako.
Nag simula na ang klase kaya maraming customer lagi sa karinderya. Nakaka pagod pero masaya dahil maraming benta. Hindi na kami magkanda ugaga sa rami ng customer, pero si Morgan ay energetic pa rin.
Tumigil muna si Morgan sa pag-aaral dahil hindi niya pa raw kaya ang gastusin sa college. Next year na lang daw pag naka ipon na siya. Mahal daw kasi ang culinary. Kahit libre pa sa school niya ay mahal pa rin ang mga gagamitin nilang equipment at sangkap sa mga lulutuin.
Ako naman ay tumigil din. Wala akong pera para mag-aral. Kahit alam kong nag padala sina Daddy sa akin dahil nag-text sa akin ang bangko. Pero hindi ko tinanggap. No'ng putulin ko ang kaugnayan namin, tanggap ko na rin na hindi na ako makaka pag-aral. Lalo na sa Herrera Academy. Mahal doon at kahit anong trabaho ko rito, hindi 'yon sapat.
Mag-iipon na lang din muna ako at mag hahanap ng school na libre lang. Para 'yung tuition ko ay mga gamit na lang sa course ko. Balak kong kumuha ng Architecture.
Lumipas ang ilang buwan at busy pa rin kami sa karinderya. Lalo na at malapit na mag pasko. December na kaya hindi masyadong mainit ang panahon. Puno na rin ng mga decoration ang buong karinderya dahil napag diskitahan ni Morgan na lagyan ng mga palamuti ang buong paligid.
Pabor naman kay 'Tay Lando dahil ngayon lang daw malalagyan ng decoration ang karinderyang ito.
"Ang ganda ng decorating skills ko, 'no, 'Tay Lando?" pag yayabang ni Morgan.
Nasa hapag kami ngayon at kumakain ng hapunan. Anong oras na pero ngayon pa lang kami kakain. Busy kasi masyado dahil maraming customer.
"Oo, maganda. Ngayon lang 'yan kasi hanggang ngayong gabi ka na lang din sa trabaho mo," ngiwi ni 'Tay Lando.
Nagulat naman ako at napatingin sa kaniya.
"Am I fired?" gulat na tanong ni Morgan, naka hawak sa dibdib na akala mo'y nasasaktan.
"Ilang libo kaya nagastos mo sa pag-d-decorate! Lugi pa ata ako sa mga design kaysa sa pagkain!"
"'To naman si 'Tay Lando," sabay subo ng pagkain niya. "S'yempre, dapat maganda ang karinderya para naman dumami ang customer! 'Di ba, Liza-bilat?"
Nag kibit-balikat ako at tinuon ang atensyon sa pagkain ko.
"Grabe ka na, bilat! Ang sakit mo na!" pag da-drama niya.
Tumingin ako sa kaniya at nag-middle finger.
Imbis na mainis siya ay kumislap p ang mata niya sa saya.
"Achievement 'yan, bilat! Grabe! I'm so proud of you!"
"Ang OA mo na naman," iling ni 'Tay Lando.
Ngumiwi lang si Morgan at bumaling ulit sa akin.
"S'yempre, 'Tay Morgan, kahit bihira lang si Liza mag salita, at least palaban!"
Umiling-iling na lang ako at hinayaan na siyang dumaldal.
Hindi na bago sa kanila na tahimik lang ako at nakikinig. Simpleng tango, iling, at kibit-balikat lang ang nagagawa ko. Wala akong lakas mag salita. Para bang boses ko na mismo ang umuurong.
Hindi naman nito naapektuhan ang trabaho ko. Madalas kasi ay si Morgan ang kumukuha ng mga order at ako ang nag bibigay.
Sa ilang buwan na lumipas, nawalan ako ng balita sa lahat. Hindi ko na binubuksan ang cellphone ko at hindi ako umaalis ng kariderya. Pinutol ko na ang koneksyon ko sa kanila noong umalis ako.
Si 'Tay Lando at Morgan ang lagi kong kasama mula noon. Hindi naman ako nababagot dahil busy kami araw-araw.
Gigising ng madaling araw para mag hiwa ng mga rekado. Mag-a-almusal saglit at maya-maya'y mag bubukas ng karinderya. Mag-s-serve sa mga customer at mag-aasikaso ulit ng lulutuin para sa tanghalian. Mag huhugas ng mga pinggan, mag lilinis ng mga lamesa na pinag kainan. Sa gabi naman ay mag hahanda ng mga barbeque. Pag naubos na ay mag sasarado at mag lilinis ng buong karinderya. Hatinggabi ay matutulog na.
Sa tatlong tao na nag-a-asikaso ay sapat na kahit papaano. Mahirap at nakaka pagod pero pag nasanay na ay kaya naman.
'Yon ang naging buhay ko sa loob ng mga naka lipas na buwan. Malungkot, masaya, at kung ano ano pang emosyon na p'wede kong maramdaman. Ngunit sa maraming buwan na iyon, hindi nawala ang sakit na pilit kong ibinabaon.
"Sigurado ka na bang aalis ka? Saan ka na tutuloy niyan?" nag-a-alalang tanong ni 'Tay Lando.
"Sa probinsya po," saad ko. "Mag-aaral na rin po ako, 'Tay Lando."
Nagulat si 'Tay Lando at si Morgan sa sinabi ko.
"Talaga ba, 'nak? Kung gano'n ay masaya ako para sa'yo," tumayo siya para yakapin ako. "Mag-iingat ka at lagi mong tatandaan na kung kailangan mo ng tulong ay naririto lang kami para sa'yo."
Niyakap ko siya pabalik. "Maraming salamat po, 'Tay Lando."
Sunod naman akong niyakap ni Morgan.
"I'm so proud of you, Liza-bilat," saad niya na parang umiiyak. "Masaya ako para sa'yo. Mag-iingat ka at alagaan mo ang sarili mo. Tawagan mo ako kung kailangan mo ng tulong, huh? Kahit saang lupalop ka pa, pupuntahan kita."
"Thank you, bilat," iyak ko.
It is hard to say goodbye. But it is necessary.
I don't want to go. I have no plan to go in the first place. But I saw him. I saw him looking at me. He's crying.
Please, love, don't cry. I ran away because I don't want you to suffer but why are you crying?
I need to run again. Far away from here. I traveled to Laguna where he will no longer see me. When no one knows me.