When she blinks her eyes back open, it's because a voice she hasn't heard in a while is greeting them. "Oh my-Yujin," she greets excitedly, an instant smile tugging at her lips when Yujin grins and steps closer.
"Hi guys!" Yujin wraps her arms around Winter and Yeji, pulling them both in for a group hug. She doesn't comment on the fact that Winter looks like a panda from all the crying, and Winter breathes in the calm that always seems to hang around Yujin.
"Woah," she says when Yujin lets go of them. "First of all, I'm a little drunk. Second of all, I really didn't expect you to be here. Don't you have cool people to hang out with now?"
Yujin shrugs, still smiling. "Gi said there'd be a party and you guys would come, so I figured why not. I miss you guys a lot."
"We miss you, too," Yeji says, pressing the side of her head against Yujin's. With Yujin being the only one in heels, they're almost the same height now. "I think everyone does. But how's college? Did you have crazy ass adventures yet?"
Yujin laughs, and Winter leans her head against the counter again. She listens to Yujin talk about student life, and Yeji curiously asking questions. With the three of them reunited, it feels like she's a little more complete than before she went to the party. Before she said all those things to Yeji. Before-
"Come on, Winter, we're going dancing." Yeji grabs Winter's hand to pull her off the stool, tugging her back to the living room.
Someone moved the furniture to create a small dance floor near the DJ booth, and soon Winter finds herself being squished between Yujin and Yeji. There's too many people trying to dance and too little space, so everyone ends up mostly unable to move, but it's still fun.
It's enough to take Winter's mind off of Karina and the fact that she just barely kept her promise never to tell anyone what happened, and she wraps her arms around Yujin and Yeji's necks and jumps to the beat of the bass. It's hot and uncomfortable, but she feels light and almost happy.
She also needs to pee.
"I need to pee," she tells Yujin and Yeji over the music, but she's pretty sure only Yujin hears her because she's the one that nods and laces their fingers together so they won't lose each other on their way to the bathroom.
"We're going to pee," Yujin says, before Winter pulls her off the dance floor and towards where she thinks the bathroom is.
It takes them a few minutes to find it, and they end up going upstairs because the one downstairs is occupied, but when they finally find the right door, that one is locked as well.
"Great," Winter sighs, leaning her back against the door to steady herself. She doesn't feel as uncoordinated anymore, but in the back of her mind she knows she's still pretty drunk. Everything is still kind of blurred around the edges, and she's hyper aware of Yujin standing next to her with a smile on her face.
"I'm drunk," Winter says, her lips curling up in a dopey smile.
Yujin turns to face her, and there's a certain look in her eyes that Winter would've been better at reading if she weren't trying not to trip while standing still.
"I know," Yujin says, furrowing her brow a little. "Are you okay? You seemed pretty upset earlier, and I didn't want to butt in and stuff, but you know how I am. I get worried."
Winter shrugs, leaning her head against the wall. "I know. You don't have to worry about me. I'll be okay, I think."
"I care about you, of course I get worried sometimes." Yujin gives her a soft smile, one that makes Winter's heart hammer against her chest.
She missed Yujin. Like, a lot. There's always an empty spot at their lunch table now, and even Karina can't fill it. Especially not Karina. They're too different. Karina is cold stares and Winter's chest feeling like it will explode every time they lock eyes or accidentally brush hands. Yujin is warm smiles and the feeling of being loved and cared about.
Winter blinks. Her head feels hazy and her chest feels tight. Yujin is almost just as tall as Winter with these heels on. It would be really easy to just-
Winter closes her eyes and steps forward, pressing her lips against Yujin's. She feels Yujin gasp into her mouth, and for a moment nothing happens. Yujin's lips are soft and sweet, and Winter tries to deepen the kiss, but Yujin turns her head before Winter can put her hand on the back of Yujin's neck.
"Winter," Yujin says, taking a step back. Winter tries to follow her, but Yujin puts her hand on Winter's arm. "I think this is a bad idea."
Winter swallows. She can still feel the ghost of Yujin's lips on her own still taste a little bit of the sweetness of the kiss. She wants to kiss her again, just to feel something.
"Why?" she asks, forcing herself to look into Yujin's eyes instead of at her mouth. "Don't you want to kiss me?"
Yujin shakes her head. "It's not about what I want. But you're drunk, and you're just projecting your feelings for someone else onto me. I'm not really the person you want to be kissing right now."
"What if you are?"
Yujin lets out a soft breath. "I'd be flattered, but Winter, we both know I'm not. I don't know what's going on or why you feel like you want to kiss me, but you're drunk and I don't want you to do something that you'll regret when you wake up tomorrow."
And Winter knows, deep down, that Yujin's right. She can't kiss Yujin without thinking about Karina, and she doesn't want to use Yujin like that. Yujin's nice and pretty, but she doesn't make Winter's stomach flip and she doesn't make her head spin. That's Karina. It's still Karina.
"I'm sorry," Winter mumbles. "I shouldn't have kissed you."
Yujin gives her a sad smile, rubbing her arm reassuringly. "It's okay, Winter. I still love you."
"I'm-" Winter's cut off by something burning in her throat, and her eyes widen. She turns to the door, crossing the hallway to bang on it and tell whoever's on it to hurry, but she doesn't have to. Before she's even halfway, the door unlocks and a girl rushes past them back to the party.
Winter doesn't waste any time explaining anything to Yujin. She clasps her hand over her mouth and drops to her knees in front of the toilet, only just in time for her entire stomach content to make its way back up again.
She barely registers Yujin sitting down next to her to hold back her hair while she throws up, her eyes tearing up from the acid burning in her throat.
She throws up until there's nothing left to throw up, and when it's done she's not sure whether the tears streaming down her face are caused by alcohol or Karina. She hates feeling like this, sad and pathetic, crying into the toilet because of a girl. She hates that Yujin is still next to her, stroking her hand up and down her back, like Winter didn't just fuck up majorly.
"I'm sorry," she says, again. Tonight's not going the way she planned. Not at all. Her head hurts and her throat is burning and she's pretty sure her tears have washed away all the makeup she spent so much time on.
"Don't worry about it," Yujin says. She gets up from the floor and rummages through the cabinets until she finds a wash cloth. She holds it under the faucet, and when she comes back, she wipes Winter's face. With a soft smile, she tucks a strand of hair behind Winter's ear. "We all have bad days sometimes."
Winter clenches her jaw and averts her eyes. "I've been having a lot of bad days lately."
It's quiet for a few moments, and Winter looks up to see whether Yujin has fallen asleep, but she's met with dark eyes and a sad smile. Yujin's hand is still on Winter's back, and Winter lets herself melt into Yujin's chest.
They sit like that for a while, and Winter almost forgets her broken heart, but then Yujin moves. "Winter?"
"Hm?"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Winter sighs. "Not really."
"Okay." A pause. "You'll let me know if you do want to talk about it, right? It's bad to bottle things up when they upset you."
"I know. I just-you know how sometimes when you have to pee but you can't because there's no toilet nearby and when you finally do get to a toilet and you expect you're going to pee really loudly but it only comes out like a tiny stream? I think I've been bottling up things so long it can't come out like a big stream anymore."
There's another moment of silence, and then Yujin starts laughing. At first Winter is offended, but there's something about Yujin's laugh that makes her smile a little, too.
*
Yujin tells her she's going to bring her home after Winter's done peeing. Winter's head is still swimming a little, and she has to steady herself at least four times on the way back downstairs, where the party is still going strong.
They find Yeji in the kitchen with Ningning and Giselle, and a bunch of other people. They're playing a game Winter sort of wants to join, but then she's reminded of Yujin and how she's going home soon, and sleep sounds a lot better than cheap beer right now.
"We're leaving," Winter says, hugging Yeji. She squeezes her tight and closes her eyes for a moment, smiling as Yeji hugs her back just as tightly.
"Call me when you wake up tomorrow, okay?" Yeji whispers in her ear, and Winter nods.
They break apart and while Yujin hugs Yeji, Winter says goodbye to Ningning and Giselle. She's a little sad she didn't see them a lot tonight, but at least she got to spend a lot of time with Yujin. And considering the fact that she never sees Yujin but gets to see Ningning and Giselle every day, she's pretty content with that.
Yujin's car is around the corner. They walk in silence, and Winter breathes in the fresh night air. It clears her head a little, though not enough not to nearly trip over thin air twice before they reach the car.
"Tell me if you feel sick again, okay?" Yujin says, holding open the door to the passenger's seat.
Winter nods and climbs in. Yujin's car smells like Yujin, somehow. It's comforting.
She watches as Yujin starts the car and checks all the mirrors before driving off. She watches as Yujin is barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel, and smiles when Yujin has to physically stand up a little when they reach a difficult crossroad. She watches Yujin, and she thinks about how easy it would be to fall in love with her instead.
But she can't control who she falls in love with. If she could, she would really reconsider falling in love with Karina.
Maybe.
She loves Karina too much. Even after everything Karina put her through, she still loves her. And it's horrible and makes her want to cry her eyes out and get drunk at lame parties, but sometimes she almost forgets about how much it hurts and loving her is almost a good feeling.
Other than Winter giving directions to Yujin, it's a quiet ride. Yujin's not a bad driver, and Winter doesn't end up getting sick again.
At one point she catches Yujin looking at her when they're waiting for a red light, and she smiles and makes a thumbs up to show that she's still doing okay. Yujin smiles back, and then the light turns green.
When they arrive at Winter's house, Winter almost forgets it's way past midnight and everyone's already in bed. She stumbles a few feet behind Yujin, who has her keys so they won't wake anyone up because Winter's fumbling too much.
"Shh," Yujin says, right before they walk inside. "Where is your room?"
"Upstairs," Winter whispers back. She points at the staircase and slowly starts climbing up, Yujin right behind her in case she trips and falls.
It's not that Winter's too drunk to walk in a straight line, it's just that she's never been drunk before and this new hazy state of consciousness is all new to her.
They make it upstairs and into the bathroom, where Yujin sits down on the edge of the tub, and Winter starts wiping off the remains of her makeup. It's not much, and without it she looks absolutely terrible after tonight, but sleeping with makeup on is never a good idea.
"Don't forget to drink water," Yujin says, after Winter finishes brushing her teeth.
Winter gives her a toothy smile and swallows a few mouthfuls of water. "Anything else?"
"Just pajamas, I guess." Yujin stands up, and takes off her heels so they won't make a sound while they cross the hallway. She's a lot shorter now, and Winter has to actually look down to see Yujin's face.
"You're tiny," she whispers as they leave the bathroom and go into Winter's room. It's one big mess, but Winter's still too drunk to care. And besides, it's Yujin. Yujin won't care if it's messy. She's too nice.
"You're not that tall either," Yujin whispers back. Her eyes glance over the room, and she sits down on the desk chair while Winter tries to find her pajamas in her bed.
"Uh, do you mind if I, uh-" She gestures at herself and the pajamas. "You know?"
Yujin cracks a soft smile. "Of course not." She pulls out her phone and starts reading something on the screen, as if to say Don't worry, I'm not watching. The contrast with Karina is so strong it sort of hurts.
Winter quickly changes out of her party outfit and into her pajamas, sliding under her covers. When she turns to look at Yujin, she smiles. "I'm done, you can look now."
Yujin's eyes flicker back up to Winter's face, and she puts her phone away. "Want me to stay until you fall asleep or do you think you'll be okay on your own?"
Winter blinks, shrugging. "Whatever you want. I don't mind if you, like, stay the night or something, but I don't want to scare my parents into thinking I brought someone home when they think I'm sleeping over at Yeji's place tonight."
"I'll stay until you fall asleep, okay? Just in case." Yujin straightens her dress and lifts the covers of Winter's bed. She strokes a strand of hair out of Winter's face and smiles. "I missed you a lot."
"I missed you, too. We really need to hang out more." Winter mumbles, scooting a little closer to Yujin. She presses her face into Yujin's shoulder, and closes her eyes. "I'm really sorry I kissed you. I'm glad you're not mad."
Yujin lets out a soft sigh, still stroking Winter's hair. "Of course I'm not mad. I just want you to be okay."
"I will be, I think." Winter breathes in Yujin's perfume and wraps her arm around her to ground herself. To not break her own heart with her own thoughts again. "Thanks for taking care of me."
"Of course, Winter."
Winter looks up through half closed eyes, nuzzling her face into Yujin's dress. It's nice, being held and looked after by someone who actually cares about you.
"I love you," she whispers as she feels herself falling asleep. It's quiet for another while, and then Yujin presses a soft kiss against Winter's hair. It's so soft she almost doesn't feel it. It's so soft she can't remember Karina ever being this gentle.
She falls asleep before she hears Yujin's reply.