Winter almost expects something grand to happen the first time she sets foot in the cafeteria as a sophomore. And sure, there are a few differences; Yujin is gone, and there are a bunch of new, curious faces that turn to look at her as she passes.
But nothing different really happens. Ningning and Giselle are still at the same table, a little closer to each other than most people, and Yeji is still staring at the sign that says today there will be mac 'n cheese for lunch with the same old sad look of longing.
Winter plops down next to her friends, reaching into her bag to grab her sandwiches. As an athlete she's supposed to eat healthy or whatever, so she prefers to bring her own food from home rather than buying it at school. "Hey."
"Kim," Giselle smirks, her arm loosely wrapped around Ningning's waist. "Tell Yeji her ass looks great in that cheerleader outfit."
Winter glances down at Yeji's butt. "Your ass looks great in that cheerleader outfit. But why are you wearing it right now?"
Yeji rolls her eyes. "Early morning practice. Couldn't be bothered to take it off. Probably proves Coach's point that we're out of shape."
"Objection," Ningning says. "You practiced all summer with us. I can still feel the bruise on my ass from that one time you were convinced you could lift me like one of your cheer buddies."
Winter smiles, watching as her friends bicker. She didn't get the chance to miss them over the summer-they hung out pretty much every day except for when they each went on separate vacations with their families. She does, however, miss Yujin a little.
After that one practice Yujin was at to take pictures, they kept seeing each other in hallways and during lunch, and it somehow made Winter feel really cool that a senior hung out with her. But Yujin graduated a few months ago and started attending college for something music related, which Winter thinks is even cooler.
"Hey, Win, where's your mind at?" Ningning asks, nudging Winter's foot under the table. Somehow she always seems to notice when something's off. It's both comforting and confronting at the same time.
Winter blinks. "Just missing Yujin. It's so weird that she's off to live a really cool life in college now."
Ningning glances at Giselle, who's saying something about getting a new tattoo to Yeji, and she cracks a smile. "I mean, she's still in the same state, so it's not that far away. And she said she'd be coming back every other weekend for laundry and stuff, so we can see her then."
Giselle looks up, probably catching on to the way Ningning is looking at her. She reaches out to squeeze Ningning's hand, tightening her grip on Ningning's waist. "Don't think about that stuff yet. I don't even know what I'm gonna do after graduation, and until I figure it out I'm staying right here with you."
Ningning leans into Giselle's touch and Winter looks away. She hates seeing her friends sad, even if she knows Ningning and Giselle always talk about everything and that if anyone will be able to work through one of them graduating high school this year, it'll be them.
"It's okay," Ningning says in a soft voice. "At least I can say my girlfriend is a senior now and have people think I'm really cool."
Giselle laughs and she looks like she's about to kiss Ningning when they're interrupted by a loud voice.
"Come on, Rina. I see Winter and Yeji over there."
Winter's head snaps up just in time to see two all too familiar faces heading their way. Next to her, Yeji's eyes light up, and she scoots a little closer to Winter to make room at their table.
"Yeji," Ryujin says, wrapping her arms around Yeji's shoulders. "Look, we're finally all going to the same school again! Middle school was really boring without you and Winter."
Winter clenches her jaw. Ryujin's eyes are a little too excited for the first day of school, and even the sight of her is annoying. Winter's been dreading this moment for a week, knowing that at some point she was going to end up running into Ryujin and Karina. She'd just hoped it wouldn't be the first day back.
Yeji clearly doesn't share the same concerns, though, considering the way she's smiling and waving brightly at their old friends.
On the other side of the table, Ningning and Giselle have broken apart and are staring at Ryujin like she's a crazy person.
But Winter's eyes aren't on Ryujin anymore-they're on Karina, who's sitting herself down next to Ningning and Giselle. Karina's looking back at her with a guarded expression, and Winter can see some of her own discomfort reflected on her face.
It's the first time they've been in such close proximity in over a year. Hell, it's the first time they've been in the same room since they started going to different schools.
Winter has to force herself to look back down at her food to catch her breath, but she can't keep herself from glancing back up at Karina again. Her heart skips a beat when she realizes that Karina is looking at her, too, a small, shy smile spreading across her lips.
"Hey," Karina says, and Winter realizes with a start that her voice is different than how she remembers it. It sounds off to her ears, somewhat lower and rougher. More mature.
Winter nods once, forcing herself to stay calm and act like nothing's wrong. "Hello Karina."
"Winter!" Ryujin says, leaning forward to look at Winter past Yeji. She's clearly legitimately excited to be here, and Winter's gut twists at the realization that, in Ryujin's eyes, probably the only reason they ignored each other's existence for a whole year is the fact that they went to different schools. She gives Ryujin a strained smile, not even trying to come across as civil.
Ryujin, however, doesn't seem to notice anything is wrong. In fact, her smile widens at Winter's acknowledgement. "I haven't seen you in forever. Damn girlie, you're looking fine."
The sight of Ryujin's grin has Winter balling her fists before she even realizes it, anger welling up in her. She really wants to punch the grin off of Ryujin's face, but Yeji is faster, finally noticing the tension in the air.
She puts her hand over Winter's and gestures at the newcomers to get everyone's attention. "Ningning and Giselle, these are Ryujin and Karina. They're-uh-our friends from middle school. Ryujin, Karina, this is Ningning and that's Giselle. They're on the softball team with Winter."
Karina's shoulders tense a little when Yeji introduces them all, and Winter hates the way she's still hyper aware of everything Karina does. She hates the way she still physically feels Karina's every move.
"You play softball?" Karina asks.
Winter nods, but before she can say anything, Giselle frowns. "Hold up. You say you're all friends, but she doesn't know Win's on the team? Win, like, literally never shuts up about it."
Winter lets out a sharp breath. "Just never came up, I guess."
Karina shoots her a sort of thankful glance, and Winter's heart starts hammering against her chest. She wasn't prepared for a run-in with Karina today. Her sudden presence is overwhelming, and Winter wasn't ready to have this-her group of friends, her school, her safe haven-be infiltrated by Karina and Ryujin.
She can't do this.
With more force than necessary, she shoves her sandwich back into its wrapper and stumbles as she gets out of her seat. "I-uh-I gotta use the bathroom. Excuse me."
She curses at herself for the way her voice shakes, and she feels everyone turning to stare at her as she rushes out of the cafeteria. To make things even more embarrassing, she nearly trips on her way out with everyone's stares burning holes in her back.
Her chest feels tight, and the lump in her throat is almost too big to swallow. There's still some leftover anger in her veins, her arms aching to punch something-or someone-and the aggression burning in her lungs is enough to blur her sight with hot tears.
She hates that Karina still makes her knees weak and her heart thump. She hates that Karina still hangs out with Ryujin and she hates that Ryujin doesn't even seem to know what she did.
She barely makes it to the bathroom and into a stall before her knees buckle and she sinks down onto a closed toilet lid, her head in her hands and her heart in her stomach.
She's not going to cry. She's not going to cry. She's not-
"Winter?" Ningning's voice fills the room, echoes against the tiles. "I know you're in here. Are you okay?"
Winter lets out a breath of relief. She trusts Ningning with this, maybe even more than Yeji. Ningning doesn't know Karina and Ryujin, and she certainly doesn't know anything about Karina and Winter.
Wiping her cheeks and hoping her eyes aren't too red from crying, Winter stands up. She hesitates, then opens the door of the stall. "I'm fine."
Ningning catches her eyes and looks at her-really looks at her. There's a flash of something that looks a lot like realization in her eyes, but when she blinks it's gone, replaced with concern.
Winter can't really handle being looked at like that, like she's broken, but at the same time she still can't really breathe, and Ningning understands. So before she can stop herself, she throws her arms around Ningning's shoulders, letting a few tears slip.
Ningning doesn't say anything. She rubs Winter's back and holds her for as long as she needs, until Winter starts pulling back.
"Are you okay?" Ningning asks again, her hand still resting on Winter's arm.
Winter wipes her face, giving her a weak smile. "I will be."
Ningning nods once. Her eyes narrow under a furrowed brow. "I'm not going to assume anything here, but if you want to talk-about anything-I'm here. You know that, right?"
"I know," Winter says, and for the first time in almost two years she feels the words in her mouth, threatening to come out from where she's kept them close to her heart. It would be so easy to say them, to let Ningning be the first person she tells. But Ryujin's impact is still too strong, and she feels the weight of it pulling down her tongue. She swallows the lump in her throat. "Maybe one day."
Ningning smiles at her with so much understanding on her face that it almost makes everything even worse, because Winter is not the only one who's ever felt this way.
Giselle must have felt the same one day, too, even though she doesn't seem to struggle with her feelings anymore. Ningning sometimes still hesitates to hold Giselle's hand in public. And Karina-whatever Winter is feeling, Karina must feel it ten times worse.
"Thank you," Winter sighs.
"Of course," Ningning says. She squeezes Winter's arm and, after a moment, "We gotta stick together."
And even though Winter didn't say anything, she knows that Ningning knows, somehow, just like she knew about Ningning a year ago.
It feels like a weight being lifted off her shoulders.
*
Now that they go to school together, there is no escaping Karina anymore. Sure, they don't have the same classes, but with Ryujin not realizing why Winter can't stand the sight of her and Yeji being friends with all of them, they keep coming to their lunch table and hanging out after school.
And Winter really doesn't want to start pulling away from Yeji, so she bites her tongue and pretends like everything is fine.
It gets easier after a while. She no longer feels a sharp ache in her chest every time she sees Karina, and she doesn't have to mentally force herself not to 'accidentally' throw a softball in Ryujin's face every time they stay to watch them practice after school.
Ryujin joins the cheerleading squad with Yeji, and Karina apparently picked up playing the guitar somewhere in the past year, so she joins the school band-as in the actual band, not the marching band, like Winter had thought at first.
Winter makes sure she's never alone with Ryujin or Karina, which doesn't end up being that hard because she's pretty sure Ningning told Giselle and now there's always at least one of them saving her from awkward moments with the people she once called her best friends.
But she knows it's bound to go wrong at some point, and it happens a few months into the new school year.
They had a late softball practice that day, and given Giselle and Ningning live on the opposite direction as her from school, Winter has to walk home by herself. She's not even halfway there when she hears Karina's voice calling out her name.
Her first instinct is to keep walking like she didn't hear her, but she forces herself to slow down to a stop and allow Karina to catch up with her.
"Hey, how did practice go?"
Winter shrugs, picking up her previous pace and prompting Karina to fall into step beside her. "It was just practice. Nothing special happened." She eyes the guitar case on Karina's back. "Did you have band practice?"
"Yep. We learned a new song today," Karina nods. "Have you won a lot of games yet? I keep telling Ryujin I want to go see you play, but she always has to watch her siblings and I don't wanna go alone because that's awkward." Karina's voice is strained, like she's faking enthusiasm.
Winter runs her hand through her hair, the memory of the last time they walked home from school together still making it hard for her to breathe. "What do you want, Karina? Are we friends now or something? Because last time I checked you couldn't even look at me before Ryujin tugged you along to our table."
Karina stops walking, a mixture of guilt and something Winter can't place flashing on her face. "I-uh. I wanted to talk to you about something, actually."
And Winter isn't stupid enough to hope, but she still can't stop her heart from leaping in her chest. "Sure. Shoot."
Karina blinks, like she didn't expect Winter to give in that easily. "Uh, it's about your friends, Ningning and Giselle? I overheard some people talking about them yesterday... They said, uh-they said they made a really cute couple."
Of course.
Winter really doesn't want to talk about her girl friends that are dating each other to Karina, so she shrugs. "They are a cute couple. What's your point?"
Karina glances down at her feet. "I just wasn't sure what kind of couple they were talking about, I guess."
Winter looks at her then. Somehow Karina still manages to find ways that would mean girls can't be in love with other girls, and it's really starting to get old. Ningning and Giselle have kept their PDA to a minimum after Karina and Ryujin started hanging out with them, only comfortable enough to be themselves when it was just Winter and other close friends like Yeji, but there's something in the way they almost sync up everything they do that makes it hard for Winter to understand how anyone could not notice.
"What are you trying to do here, Karina?" she asks in a shaky voice. "I know you've seen them kiss. You were looking at me, and they were in my backyard and they kissed. I know you saw them, because you looked at me like you'd seen the world burn in front of your eyes, and then you disappeared."
Karina clenches her jaw. "Why are you making it sound like I'm the bad guy? I just wanted to know-"
"You wanted to know if my friends are dating. Well, they are. They're in love and they're dating, and they just happen to both be girls. It's not the worst thing in the world, Karina." Winter knows she should probably keep her voice down and try to be reasonable, but it's hard when Karina's been unreasonable for years-destroying friendships in the process. Friendships, and Winter's heart.
Karina's eyes widen when Winter mentions them both being girls, and she takes a step backwards, physically distancing herself from Winter. "It's wrong. Girls are not supposed to kiss other girls."
"Oh my god," Winter whispers, ignoring the way her heart is shattering into a million pieces. For nearly four years she's been repeating those same words in her head, but for the first time they're being voiced by Karina instead of Ryujin. And it hurts, more than she wants to admit. Because it's one thing knowing Karina is affected by them, but it's another to know she actually believes them.
"She was wrong, Karina. Ryujin was wrong. She had no idea what she was talking about. She was ten." Winter looks up, taking in Karina's tiny figure and the way she's almost literally trembling. "I know it messed with your head, it messed with mine, too, but not everyone thinks like that. Most people are actually okay with it these days. No one gives a shit who you like-whether it's a girl or a guy or whatever. I don't care about Ningning and Gi being in love, because they're in love. Love is one of the most beautiful things in the world, and they're lucky enough to have it with each other. No one has the right to tell you it's not okay to love someone. It doesn't matter what Ryujin said when we were kids. What matters is that you realize she was wrong and that there should be nothing holding you back from being with the person you're in love with."
Winter takes a deep breath, attempts to swallow the lump in her throat. Everything she's saying she wishes someone would've told her. And maybe it was easier for her because her mom promised her what Ryujin said was irrelevant, and maybe Karina didn't have someone like that a few years ago, but she has to at least try.
Her eyes flicker up to Karina's, and she wants to throw up, because the look in Karina's eyes is sickening.
"This isn't about what Ryujin said." Karina's voice is sharp, defensive. "This is about what's right and wrong, and the fact that you think whatever your friends think they're doing is done out of love is proof of how manipulative they are. Just because they tell you something is okay doesn't make it okay. If they all tell you it's fine to jump off a bridge, you don't jump off the fucking bridge. You use common sense to realize they're lunatics who are just trying to lure you into the dark side of whatever the fuck they're doing."
Karina's words make Winter's blood boil, and for a moment she can completely disregard whatever feelings she has for her.
"You have no idea what you're talking about," she says, her voice dripping with anger. "Do you realize you just called my friends disgusting lunatics? The people that actually give a shit about me, rather than pretending I don't exist out of fear? You don't know them, and you have absolutely no right to say anything about them."
Karina looks at her, lips parted like she's trying to come up with something to say. Then her body language changes, and she takes a step forward, squaring her shoulders. Her eyes are shooting venom as she shakes her head. "Why are you getting so defensive? Are you like them, too, or something?"
Winter's breath catches in her throat. "What?"
"Are you a lesbian, too, Winter? Is that why you insist it's fine, because you know you're wrong and now you're trying to make it seem like everyone else is the bad guy? Is that it?"
And for a moment the world seems to stop spinning. Time freezes, and suddenly all Winter can hear is an endless loop of Karina asking, "Are you a lesbian, too, Winter?"
Her chest feels tight and she stumbles a few steps backwards, her knees feeling like they're about to give out. Her back hits a street lantern and she reaches behind her to steady herself, eyes wide as she watches Karina swallow and clench her jaw.
It's not even the fact that she used the word lesbian. Yes, the word itself feels like a punch to the stomach, but it's the way Karina said it that makes it a thousand times worse. Because Winter can still hear Karina's ice cold voice ringing in her ears, pronouncing the word with so much repulsion it sends shivers down her spine.
She watches as Karina's eyes fill with tears, and her nostrils flare, and her mouth opens as if to mutter an apology. She watches as Karina seems to change her mind and recollects herself without a word. She watches as Karina does what she does best: run.
*
For the rest of the week Winter manages to successfully dodge Karina. She eats lunch on the bleachers by the softball field and takes a detour every time she sees Karina in the hallways between classes. A little childish, maybe, but Karina's broken her heart too many times, and she can't bear the sight of her anymore.
She's pretty sure Ningning notices something's off, because there are a few occasions where Ningning is the one pushing Winter in a different direction when they're about to run into Karina. She likes that Ningning always seems to know what's up without having to say a word. It's like she's reading her mind in the non-creepiest way possible
So when Ningning texts Winter on a lazy Saturday afternoon while she's lounging in the backyard, Winter isn't surprised.
wanna go to a party?
Winter hesitates. Who else is coming?
just me Gi and Yeji. no freshmen :)
Okay, I'm in!
*
Winter's never been drunk before. Usually she stops after a few beers, just enough to blur the edges and have some fun with her friends. But usually the pain of a broken heart is just a dull throb instead of a sharp knife carving out a Karina-shaped space in the walls of her ventricles.
So really, it's not her fault when she stumbles into Yeji after a few too many drinks.
Yeji reacts immediately, wrapping her hands around Winter's wrists to steady her. "Woah, easy."
Winter turns a lazy grin her way. "Hi."
Yeji looks at her, studying her eyes. "How much have you had to drink?"
"A lot," Winter says. "There's this guy and I think he's secretly a bartender, because the drinks he makes me are so good."
"Okay. I think it's time to get you to sit down and drink some water," Yeji says, grabbing Winter's elbow and pulling her to the kitchen. She grabs a red cup and fills it with water, handing it over. "Are you okay, Win?"
Winter grabs the cup thrust her way and takes a small sip, letting herself wobble forward until she's leaning heavily against Yeji, forehead pressing against her shoulder. "No," she says in a small voice. "I'm tired of her hurting me, Yej."
She doesn't realize how heavy the silence that follows is, not really. Her head is swimming, and her pulse seems to thrum through her entire body. The only thing she feels is the lightness the alcohol brings her, and that terrible dull feeling weighing heavy in her chest every time Karina's voice rings in the back of her head. That, and Yeji's hand brushing her hair.
"Who hurt you, Win?" Yeji asks in a low voice, having to support nearly the entirety of Winter's weight as she leans heavily against her.
"Kar- Karina. I think she's broken, and all she does is break me too," Winter says, her words slurring slightly. "I love her so much, Yej, but she-she thinks it's wrong."
Winter's throat grows tight at the thought of how angry Karina had gotten-how scared she'd looked. She thinks of Karina turning her back on her earlier this week, and she thinks of Karina pulling away from her on that trampoline all those years ago.
"How can she think that? How can-how can loving someone so much be wrong, Yej?" she asks, her voice growing heavy as she forces the words out even though her eyes are filling with tears. "She made me promise to love her forever, and now she-she doesn't want me to anymore. But it's too late now. Yej, it's too late."
Her voice cracks, and the tears fall, and all Winter needs right then is to feel loved. There's a gaping Karina-shaped hole in her heart, and she misses feeling whole. She doesn't think she's felt whole since her eleventh birthday.
She barely notices how Yeji's eyes went wide at her admission, too busy sniffling into her shoulder, but she definitely feels it when Yeji pulls her closer and wraps her arms around her. The significance of it forces its way through the haze in her mind, because she just told her best friend that she's in love with a girl, and she's not being pushed away.
"You're not wrong," Yeji says against her ear, hugging her tightly and brushing a hand through her hair. "Do you hear me, Winter? You're not wrong for loving someone. It's not your fault she can't see that."
Winter breathes in deeply, smelling the scent of her best friend mixed in with cheap beer and smoke, and her heart calms down. It still hurts, but the trickle of her tears is slow, and she didn't realize how much she needed to hear that until now.
"Why can't she see that," she mutters weakly into Yeji's neck. "I don't know how to stop loving her. I-I wish I could."
Everything seems to pause at that, because she has never allowed herself to think like that until now. With all Karina's ever put her through, she's always loved her-all she ever hoped for is that Karina would grow up and realize that she doesn't have to hide from Winter, and Winter would still love her through it all, no matter how many times she had to piece her heart back together, because it would be worth it in the end.
But Karina doesn't want that. Winter can't remember the last time Karina smiled her way, and it makes her so sad. She's tired of being sad.
"She asked me if I was gay with so much-she hates it so much," Winter admits, and she's starting to feel stuffy pressing her face into Yeji's neck like this, but despite how tenderly Yeji is holding her, Winter still feels scared to ask what she wants to ask. "Would you-would you hate me, too?"
"No," Yeji says immediately. She doesn't hesitate, she just squeezes Winter tight, and Winter almost starts crying again. "I wouldn't care if you told me you wanted to marry a chipmunk." She chuckles, then, and pushes Winter back slightly so she can look at her as she brushes Winter's tears off her cheeks gently. "I mean, I'd be a little worried for you, yeah, but I'd still love you."
Yeji's smile is crooked as she teases her, and Winter can't help the wet chuckle she lets out. "No chipmunks, I promise. I mean, I-I'm not sure yet if I'm..." she swallows, averts her eyes. "What I am," she adds weakly, glancing back at Yeji when all the girl does is run her hand down her arm softly. "But I'm pretty sure I'm not into chipmunks."
"Good," Yeji says, pressing a kiss against Winter's hair. "I love you, Winter."
Winter sniffles, wiping her cheeks. Telling Yeji is a relief she never expected to feel. Somehow she's grown used to expecting otherwise from the people around her-that telling them would always go wrong and make things worse. She knows it's probably because the one person in the world she thought would always be by her side rejected her over it, and she'll probably never stop resenting Karina for making her lose her faith.
She locks eyes with Yeji again, smiling the best she can. "I love you, too, Yeji. Thank you."
Yeji squeezes her hand before grabbing the empty cup from Winter's hand and filling it with water again. The dull throbbing in Winter's head has reduced considerably, so she leans lazily against the kitchen counter and closes her eyes as she finds herself able to breathe with ease again.