I am Xie Lian , a teenager who has the will to observe but not be observed, I have no specific goals set in stone for my future, hell I cant even comprehend how does time even work but that's just me questioning everything again. You can say I have a decent family but the only one who really cares is just my mom , she is the closest I've been to happiness , she doesn't feel like an uninvited guest well I feel like one in her life ,though she has always denied that. I have no friends my definition of a friend differs , its not as if I haven't ever had friends but I have come to know what a real one is supposed to feel like. A friend isn't supposed to feel like a shadow , a weird shadow who's not yours , who was never supposed to be yours, a friend is supposed to be a star someone who is willing to be on your side even if it gets dark but also not someone who is only willing to be with you when its dark. As for my romantic relationships you call it , I've never had one thats because I am not worthy of being loved , I will be , when I love myself but thats too far of a long shot. I am what you call optimistically pessimistic . I am supportive and understanding towards others but when it comes to me I find nothing of worth. Well are you supposed to be of any worth if you haven't been able to impact others ?
I used be a fun child full of hope and an absolute joy to be with , looking back thats the only time I lived . It is sometimes crazy to think how I don't remember the so called happiness of that phase of my life yet I remember the pain I feel every day so vividly. This pain I feel everyday has no name , its nameless , it has no meaning yet it hurts , and the worst part is I initiate it not by inflicting any pain on me but simply by feeling it.