Jungkook
Contrary to my shallow expectations, I wake up with a terrible headache that does not seem to go away any time soon. My head is light, and my inhibitions are unhindered by the alcohol I consumed.
Maybe it would have been wise not to finish the whole bottle of absinthe once I got home. But how could I not?
After Faye left the car, I got so irritated that I smoked more than five cigarettes, one after the other, until I felt my throat hurting. She infuriates me, driving me absolutely crazy, and I'm not even sure it's in the wrong way.
And no, I'm not angry that we did not have sex. I'm mad because she's right.
She deserved more than a frivolous, sketchy 'it's complicated.' But I cannot tell her more than that because I don't know where I stand. Jessi means nothing to me, or at least, not anymore. If she stood next to Faye, she'd blend into the wallpaper, so I don't know where these worries come from.
Jessi has been there since day one, seeing the ugly in me, seeing the monster I became. No matter how much I want to deny it, she knows who I really am, how far I can go with my dark side, and to be honest, I am scared of letting anyone else in. I am afraid of starting something new with someone who does not know the real me.
So yes, I am sorry, but that's the best I can provide for now.
At the same time, I can't stop thinking about Faye. I don't want her to know all my messy past, but I want her to see me. The first moment I laid my eyes on her on the beach, flustered and running with sloppy steps, looking so innocent, so gullible, she'd be wasted on someone like me.
However, I can't get her out of my mind.
I can smell the trouble from a mile off, but this time it has a vanilla scent and the most beautiful pair of breasts I've ever seen. The things I'd do to her are sinful at best, although a better word would be psychopathic and disturbing.
My dick was aching for her fingers the very first moment I saw her. Her body centerfold worthy is begging for me to fuck her raw, so fucking raw. When I see her, I am not using my brain but another organ entirely. It is regrettably real-every perfect square inch of it. I wanted her.
In my bed.
Against the wall.
On her knees.
Riding my face.
Every possible way.
Jesus, the things I could do to that ass would put Kamasutra to shame.
Sometimes I wish I did not go to that party under the bridge. That way, Jimin would not have given her his number, ending up with her coming more and more often to our studio. Seeing her all drenched up because of the rain, her nipples, pointing out underneath her thin sweater, made me hard in a matter of seconds.
She cannot imagine how much power she has over my body.
And that was not even the cherry on the top. The way my large hoodie was embracing her slender figure is something I wish I could wake up with every day. How attractive she'd look like wearing my clothes and nothing else.
I tried to ignore the heat running to my groin, but something dark and unwanted slithered through my veins. Her long, wet hair and a body you'd seen on a porn star is a dangerous combination with that warm voice that soaks through my skin and runs straight to my lower stomach.
She is a fidgety mess, and for fuck's sake, when she talks back to me so obstinately and freely, I want to cover her mouth with my palm, back her up against the wall, and rip a pleasured scream with each damage my dick would cause to her body.
Her name became an irritation just for the simple fact that I had an erection every time I heard it, like some sort of screwed-up pavlovian conditioning. Who am I trying to fool? She could sneeze near me, and I'd already had a boner.
I tried. I really tried to ignore or drive away from the attraction I felt for her but in vain.
Every time I showed her my dickhead behavior, I ended up either driving her home or going to her place unannounced. Which I am pretty sure confused her more. She's brilliant and does not miss out on any detail, and I swear to God, sometimes it feels like she's doing it on purpose.
Like when I brought her food.
I had no intention whatsoever to see her, but once Jimin gave me back the hoodie I landed to her, smelling her perfume on it, I lost it. I knew I needed to see her. And it breaks my heart that I cannot give her more. More of me, more explanations, anything that could clear up this fog I created.
But I am broke and have no intention of cleaning my mess.
I am close to crossing a line, but I can't stop myself from toeing the edge. My self-restraint is pulled taut, and I can hear the fibers snapping one by one until I hang by a thread. And she will be the one cutting the last strand. By the speed I am digging myself into a hole, I'd be in China in no time.
I am driving in circles, trying to decide what I should or should not do, and so far, it seems like I'm doing it wrong. I know I can't keep up with this, and last night was evident that she could not do it either. I don't want to blame the universe or anything, but nothing helps me get away from her.
When I try to ignore her, it ends up with her on my lap in a car full of people. Jesus Christ, I thought I would have a seizure seeing her bouncing on my dick. And what makes it even more annoying is precisely the fact that she has no clue about it. No clue that only her presence itself is enough to make me smile.
That's why I asked her out again, even though I regretted it the second the words came out of my mouth.
She seems the type to like it sweet and vanilla - just like her scent - but this is a sleeve of the dress that does not fit me anymore. Nor that it ever did. I am not a romantic but a realist. So, implicitly, I had always appreciated sad endings.
But is something with her that calms down the fire inside me.
And paradoxically, it's also something with her that fuels the blaze, and I cannot decide if we are perfect for each other or if she drives me insane. She would run away the second she found out the truth about me because, fuck, I am broken.
If I were to write down all the stupid shit I've ever done, the book would be fucking thicker than the Bible, and I'd be seen like a fucked up dark Messiah. She can do better than me. But why can't I let it go?
Going out of the town with Yoongi was my way out of it, and I was confident that only a situation like that would refrain me from seeing her again. But of course, Jimin needed to answer that fucking phone, dropping the bomb.
Knowing her at a party and flirting with another guy made me as mad as a hornet. And as if the thought was not enough, witnessing that stupid guy's hands on her body, thank you, but I'd rather shut my dick in a car door and eat a handful of dirt.
It was either the nicotine mixed with the alcohol in my system, or maybe I was just too drunk on her presence, but starting a feud with that idiot sounded less like a bad idea because it involved her.
I knew she was going to be an issue.
Standing there, with her generous cleavage giving her round, full breasts the chance to breathe, her apple bottom, perfectly hugged by those tight jeans. To see what? Closing her eyes and moaning under another man's touch?
Hilarious, but I don't have that much self-control.
It was selfish of me.
It was selfish to get jealous and bring her to my place when she's not even mine.
I did not want to have sex with her because I got jealous. I wanted to have sex with her because every cell in my body gets aroused if she breaths ten kilometers away from me. All I could have thought of was having her submit to me fully, letting her consume me until I felt her thrumming in my veins.
Just the image of me thrusting inside her, my cum dripping from her beautiful creamy thighs, makes my cock jerk violently, shots a thrill straight between my legs, making me thick as I imagine all the ways I could fuck her.
I am obviously too worked up, my shoulders tensing with pent-up sexual frustration. A groan slips down my throat, palming my dick over my pants, trying to calm down the painful erection.
My balls are already tense, and my length is growing rigid, remembering the dusty color of her nipples and how her chest was rising and falling under my touch. Trying to keep my hands where they should be, the thought of her curvy, fine ass bending over for me almost made me shoot my load in the pants.
Gritting my teeth together, I take out my cock, my head swollen and angry, demanding attention. I know there's no way back from this as I wrap my fist around my erection, and I try to imagine her lips instead of my hand.
I start pumping up and down frenetically, wishing I could hit the back of her throat with my dick, and being close to letting the endorphins leave my body, the phone rings loudly, making me stop.
The stupid phone again.
"What the fuck do you want?" I answer angrily, without even looking at the screen.
"Woah, rough morning, big boy? Why are you so mad?" Yoongi's voice comes unbothered by my impolite tone.
"Hyung, sorry. I did not check who called. What's up?" I cover my forehead, ashamed of my reaction.
"We are about to start filming. How fast can you get here? I hope you're still coming, right?"
"Yes, of course. I told you I needed to fix something home, but I'll be back in half an hour. How does that sound?"
"Perfect. We'll be waiting for you." he hangs up, leaving me trusfrated.
Maybe he called exactly when he should have.
This was a bad idea anyway. I quickly put on some clothes and leave the apartment in a hurry. Luckily, the road to Yongin is pretty short, so I don't need to drive too much with a terrible headache.
I know we have a lot of work for Yoongi's music video, and my input there is so precious I cannot afford to mess anything up. Before getting there, I must clear my mind from the alcohol and Faye.
Passing by the park gates, I see all the cameras placed in front of the food stalls, and with a calculated movement, I drift my car between them. Through all the dust floating in the air, I see Yoongi's eyebrow raising, clapping his hands proudly.
"You know what, Jungkook? I think we can do something like that in my video as well. You just gave me an idea."
"Always happy to help." I step out of the car, lighting up a cigarette as I walk toward him.
"What did you do last night? Had any fun?" he takes the cigarette away from my hand and inhales a puff, passing it back to me.
"Not in particular. I needed to see someone, but now I am free and all yours."
"Someone as in Jessi?" he rocks back and forth, touching his index fingers childishly.
"You know I only meet up with her when you want me to."
"I know, and I can't be more grateful for having you take a bullet for the team. I promise this won't last for too long. I just need her to stick around until I find someone else. Her rapping style is good, and she makes good money, but I can imagine she's a pain in the ass." his eyes are watching me closely, trying to read any expression on my face.
"Yeah, it was different when we were hooking up. But right now, it feels like she knows I'm only calling her when we need new songs. And I am afraid I'd need to pay her some other type of attention to convince her not to switch the studio."
"So what? We can name it a win-win situation. And it's not like you did not sleep with her before, right? Just call her, get laid as you did when you came back from Busan, and everyone is happy." he starts laughing, making me clench my fists.
"Hyung, that was a mistake I'm not going to repeat. I'll take care of it, don't worry." I exhale sharply, taking one last puff from my cigarette, "Come on, let's start working on this masterpiece."
Darkness from the sky and an almost rainy atmosphere will help us capture what I had in my mind for this song. The sun is hiding between the clouds, giving us the perfect scene to shoot the music video. I am pretty confident Yoongi will be amazed by what I can do with this scene.
It's weekend again, and I am at the studio, trying to finish editing the video. Almost two weeks have passed since we filmed everything, and even if Yoongi is happy with whatever version I show him, I want it to be perfect.
No, more than perfect. But the extreme criticism inside me does not let me relax, and I keep going through the scenes all over again, overanalyzing each detail.
He released this song a few months ago, which, if you ask me, it's a work of art, and it simply requires a video at least as good as the song itself. Lighting up another cigarette, I play the scenes again, looking for something I missed before.
"Okay, let's see." I talk to myself, relaxing in my chair.
The blind-slitted lighting is right off the bat. Just masterful filmmaking. We have straight one-shots and profile shots. The camera is placed and is moving with purpose and intentionality to drive the story forward.
There's symmetry and depth in the images, a lot of strictness to the character, and the element of mystery from the bodies lying on the ground at the beginning of the video. So far, so good.
It's incredible how my blood can turn cold when the beat drops, considering I've listened to this song a thousand times. Seeing how the choreography is influencing the camera, the bumps we have when Yoongi kicks his leg out and swings his arm around leaves me with goosebumps on my arms.
That's what I call perfection.
What I love the most about this is that there is an ebb and flow as far as the pacing is concerned. All these crazy, cool, energetic dancing shots that quickly cut to the bureau of him just walking forward makes stuff more interesting.
I always say that contrast creates focus, and when we have that slow-motion, immaculate shot intercut with the handheld super energetic footage, it creates this peanut-butter-and-jelly effect that is so satisfying to watch.
The super-smooth long shot walking through the village tells the character's whole story, although the scene with me fighting in the background makes me cringe a little.
This symmetrical, long shot with Yoongi as he walks towards the camera and says 'off with their heads' and then he does this cutting of the neck move is insane. I match-cut the exact action to a new location in a nice wide shot, having him in the same position.
And then, we move down on the crane and see a decapitated dude. Nice, that's how you do storytelling, y'all. That's how it's getting done. Mind-blowing. I am a genius.
Luckily for me, the whole filming process was literally shot to the edit. Everything was thought out beforehand so I could plan every transition and match-cut, and there was nothing arbitrary about this filming. This plays like a freaking film. It's no longer a music video. There's a shot and a reaction shot.
Brilliant.
"Fuck," I scream my lungs out once I notice the cigarette I haven't smoked burning my fingertip.
As I throw it in the full ashtray next to the computer, it hits me. I know what it needs. There is this excellent editing technique I've been reading about, which is to cut when there's motion in front of the camera. I can use it when they're drifting with the car.
That little visual distraction on the screen should help blend everything. Also, the depth can be created by contrasting the lights' intensities, bringing some sort of a parallax effect to the 360 shot.
Alright, I knew I missed some things. It's getting better.
But before I have the chance to add my ideas to the editing process, my phone starts ringing. I swear to God, turning it on silent would be the best choice I've made in my life.
"Kookie, where are you?" Jimin's voice is so loud that I need to take the phone away from my ears for a mere second.
"Still at the studio, I'm trying to finish editing. What's up?"
"Huh? But are you not going to join us? Oh, I got it. You want to be the last one coming so all eyes would be on you." he starts laughing, leaving me confused.
"What exactly are you saying, my friend? Come where?"
"Okay, this is getting annoying. Are you coming to Red Manatee or not?"
I try to remember when did we ever talk about going out tonight. Maybe I was not listening to him when he spoke, which happens more often than he thinks.
"Sorry, Jimin. Were we supposed to go to Red Manatee tonight?" I finally admit since my mind fails to recall our conversation.
"What? Bro, no. Faye is celebrating her birthday there, and she texted me this morning asking if I wanted to join. Her co-workers will be there, Hobi as well. Didn't she tell you?"
I quickly check the date, and it's the 6th of June.
Her birthday is today, and I had no idea about it. How could I know? It's not like we talked about it. Or talked at all for two weeks.
"Bro, she invited you, right? You'll come later after you finish working, won't you?" Jimin's voice makes me rub my forehead in annoyance.
"She did not. We are not really talking right now." my words come out of my mouth as if they're pulled out by forceps.
"For fuck's sake, Jungkook. What did you do?" he lets out a deep sigh.
"It's complicated."
I facepalm, realizing what I just said. I should remove this from my vocabulary.
"Dude, you're making things complicated. I know you fucked it up somehow. Call her, fix the problem, and stop being so dum-dum, okay? I hope I'll see you here soon."
I hang up the phone and light up another cigarette, with no will to continue working. I don't care that she did not invite me to her stupid birthday party. I don't even want to go, not to mention see her.
For the past two weeks, I worked until late in the night and drank a shit ton more than usual. Anything that could help me get her out of my mind. I thought about calling her the day after I drove her home, but say what?
"Ah, hi, Faye. Nothing changed since a few hours ago. I don't know what I want from you because I don't know what I want from myself either. M'kay, bye."
That would be stupid. I needed time to clear my mind, but working so much did not help me in that sense. And maybe I should not. I should not think about her at all. In the end, we are two strangers who made out once, and I don't owe her anything, as she does not owe me either.
There is no point in trying to solve something that does not exist.
I have so many other things to worry about; honestly, I don't need to add another to my list. That's precisely the reason I ghosted her this time. It's not like I'm proud of it, but she said it herself I should call her when I fix whatever it's between Jessi and me.
And that's the thing I need more time for.
Until Yoongi finds another girl rapper he'll sign a contract with, we need to keep her close. He did so many things for me, and if it weren't for him to take me out of my dark place, I would not be who I am today. I wouldn't have overcome my emotional wounds from the military service. I wouldn't have had a job.
So he's the only one I owe something to.
But each time I think about her, my heart skips a beat. Her soft, tan skin, her honey-blonde hair, grazing her shoulders up to her waistline. And God, that waistline. So small in perfect harmony with her generous curves.
No, I'm not going to think about her anymore.
I become increasingly tired as the hours pass, my eyes closing by themselves. I doubt I can finish editing tonight, but at least I'm on the right track. Perhaps I can take tomorrow off to enjoy only one day of the weekend, and I'll take care of the rest on Monday.
It's almost 1 in the morning, and as I turn off the computer to leave the studio, my phone rings for a second time. But this time, it's not Jimin anymore, and I rub my eyes to check if what I see is correct or if it may be because I'm too tired.
Why would she call me just now? Did something happen?
"Faye?" I answer, concerned.
"You know what I thought of? That you could have at least called to wish me happy birthday," she mumbles, a hiccup following each word.
"Have you been drinking?" I recheck the time, turning off the screen of the computer.
"Probs. Probably. Almost nothing."
Hearing her giggles does not make me feel comfortable.
"Okay, Faye. Listen to me. I want you to go home right now. You're drunk."
"Wow, you're so bossy. Faye, do this, Faye, do that."
She's mocking me. As much as I love hearing her voice again, her stubbornness irritates me.
"That's it. Are you still at Red Manatee?" I grab my jacket and head toward the exit.
"I'm waiting in line because I really need to pee. Can you believe I have been here for over ten minutes?"
"Wait there. I'm coming to get you."
I hang up the phone and just pray she will fucking stay still until I come. Christ, this woman will be the death of me.
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But the fucking idiot cannot say anything in return, having his friend helping him get up as he brings napkins to wipe the blood away from his nose. People are slowly forming a circle around us, giving me the attention I don't want. I turn around and see Faye covering her mouth in shock, Jimin coming right behind her.