A/N: Warning. Read at your own risk.
♥♥♥
We all have our deepest, darkest secrets in life, and Clark will always be the temptation I wanted to forget but never did.
When I was ten, nasa end of Grade 4 ako at that time, Clark and Kuya Ronie were already in their short courses. Kuya took up HRS. Clark took up caregiving. Pre-med for Clark since he still wanted to pursue medicine like Tito Ferdz. Sixteen na sina Kuya during those times.
Since our family owed something sa mga Mendoza because of what happened to Clark, we always welcomed him sa bahay any time na gustuhin niya.
Kuya Matthias went to college sa UP Baguio na super layo na sa amin since umiikot ang family namin sa Visayas and Mindanao area. Ang naiwan sa barkada ni Kuya na common sa bahay sa Makati, si Clark na lang.
Papansin pa ako noon kay Kuya Ronie kasi nga wala akong friends at ayaw ni Mum na lumalabas ako. Muntik na akong ma-kidnap, so halos ikulong ako sa bahay para lang hindi na maulit ang nangyari. Pinag-homeschool na lang din ako para maiwasan kong lumabas.
Some old folks sa province even made fun of us because of the song Sitsiritsit and its lyrics about a man taking a kid in exchange for a doll. It was a dark joke because Kuya Ronie really let me take by a man in exchange for his freaking toys. Kaya nga nag-stay na lang kami sa Manila.
Wala kaming toys at that time. Banned ang laruan sa bahay. Even stuffed toys. Clark was the one who recovered Kuya's favorite dino plushie named Mr. D to its potential disposal kasi ayaw nga ng parents namin ni Kuya na may natitirang laruan sa bahay na sure na pag-aawayan namin ng kapatid kong bruhildo.
Clark would take Mr. D sa malaki niyang backpack and he would let Kuya to snuggle his favorite toy kahit kaunting time lang. Then Clark would take Mr. D again as if Kuya Ronie was a prison na kailangang dalawin ng family niya every now and then.
Dumalas sa bahay si Clark because of that. Nauuna siya sa kuwarto ni Kuya nang one hour kasi nga, hindi sila same ng schedule ng pasok. Mas maaga siyang umuuwi galing school.
And one afternoon in October, I sneaked into Kuya's cabinet in his room para gulatin ang kapatid ko.
I was a kid . . . a very stupid kid . . . na sobrang papansin at sobrang kulit. Wala akong friends, wala akong kalaro, and I wanted to have fun.
Nagtago ako sa cabinet, then Clark came in. I didn't have any plan to freak Clark out at that time kasi si Kuya Ronie ang main victim ng prank ko.
Clark removed his white caregiving uniform and his white slacks. The only clothes remaining on his body were his white tank top and white shorts--yung damit niyang puwede nang pambahay. He called Kuya for a second.
"Two pa?" Clark peeked at his watch. "One and half hour pa naman. Kaya 'yan, dude."
Clark was sixteen years old, almost a grown-up guy. His voice was almost full and manly, but with a hint of playfulness in it. He stood so gracefully and folded his clothes neatly above the side table.
Kuya had his own TV and computer set sa room. Clark took a CD from his backpack and inserted that sa VCD player ni Kuya. That was across the cabinet where I was hiding.
Clark took a huge notebook and a lot of stapled papers. Naupo siya sa rug na nakalatag sa wooden floor, then the CD started playing. He was focused on the notes, and I was watching the movie he played.
It didn't look like a movie. There was a lady wearing a cute blue tank top and a short skirt. Then there was a man wearing a casual shirt and jeans. Nasa sala silang dalawa, sa may couch.
I was wondering kung anong movie 'yon kasi hindi ko pa napapanood. From a slight gap sa pinto ng cabinet, I tried to digest what it was na pinanonood ni Clark.
Then all of a sudden, the man held the lady's cheek and kissed her on the lips.
"Oh—" I covered my mouth before a shout escaped from it.
I was shocked. Ten years old, for fucking sake!
Then he slowly removed her clothes and started touching the lady's huge breasts. And so I did on mine.
Pero ten years old pa lang ako, and I barely had a freaking lady chest. All I had was my skin, thick chest muscles, and ribs.
The man kissed the lady all over her body and he removed his clothes too.
This was the first mind corruption I've ever been in my entire life.
That was the first time I saw a man and his teeny-weeny exposed in front of a lady. And I caught myself jaw-dropped when he put his thing inside that lady's pee-pee.
And I was like, "Is it even appropriate?"
The TV sounded so low, yet I could hear the lady's moan and shout. I felt weird between my legs at that very moment. The sensation was new and thrilling, and I could hear my heart pumping so loudly. Sobrang focused ko sa panonood, and my eyes darted to Clark who didn't even watch what was on the TV. He was just reading on the floor and occasionally writing something in his notebook!
Then his phone rang. He turned off the TV, but the player was still running.
"Saan? Sa bathroom? Saan doon? Sa medicine cabinet? Sige, saglit."
Clark went to Kuya's bathroom, and I panicked. Nagmamadali akong lumabas ng cabinet at tumakbo palabas ng kuwarto.
I was young. I had no fucking idea what a porn was. Clark was casually moving habang nanonood ako noong mga sandaling iyon, na para bang wala siyang naririnig o nararamdamang libido sa katawan. Habang iniisip ko 'yon, nalilito pa rin ako kung para saan ang pine-play niya kung hindi pala niya panonoorin?
Never nang nawala sa utak ako ang napanood ko. And that was the time I started exploring myself because of that thrilling sensation na galing sa nakita ko.
Hinahanap ko ang feeling na hindi ko alam kung paano ko ulit mararamdaman, not unless I would ask Clark to play that again.
Simula noon, nagtatago na ako sa cabinet ni Kuya, in attempt na mapanood ko ulit ang pinanonood ni Clark.
Umabot na ako sa point na nagtatago ako sa closet sa bathroom, katabi ko ang mga towel at bathrobe doon. At minsan kong naabutan si Clark na ginagawa ang napanood ko. Nasa tapat siya ng toilet bowl, naghubad siya ng shorts, then he started massaging his shaft.
His eyes were closed and his tongue ran through his lower lip seductively. I gulped so loud as I heard him moan in pleasure.
I was biting my lip, staring at his face and then at his hard thing. Sweats formed on my forehead and my mind automatically traveled across some universe.
Clark has no intention of letting me watch those corrupting moments of my life. I was hiding para gulatin lang dapat si Kuya, but I ended up peeking at some worldly moments a ten-year-old girl shouldn't be supposed to see.
I was ten when I started fantasizing about him. It felt thrilling when I was a kid, and it feels illegal now as I recall my studipity. Na kung puwede lang bumalik sa past, sasampalin ko ang horny Sabrina kid para lang matigil siya sa kahibangan niya.
I thought hanggang doon lang. Na maninilip ako sa barkada ni Kuya na nanonood ng porn o sisilipin ko si Clark while he was fapping. But I was that attention-seeker kid who wanted to play kasi wala akong kalaro.
Saturday afternoon, November, walang dalang CD si Clark. After he took his clothes off, nahiga na siya sa kama ni Kuya, then he slept.
I was expecting for something more, pero natulog siya! At ano'ng gagawin ko samantalang hindi naman ako pumunta roon para panoorin siyang matulog?
I went near him. I whispered, "Kuya Claaark . . ."
He didn't move. And he was snoring. Mukhang puyat.
"Kuya Clark . . ."
He was sixteen, at halos hanggang tadyang lang niya ako kapag tumayo na kaming dalawa.
Clark took care of me. Nakatabi ko na siyang matulog for so many times, lalo kapag umiiyak ako at kasalanan ni Kuya. Siya kasi ang nagpapatahan sa akin.
Sumampa ako sa kama kung saan siya nakahiga saka ko tiningnan ang buong mukha niya.
That was the moment na sobrang naguwapuhan ako sa kanya. Crush ko si Kuya Matthias, but what I felt for Clark was something beyond that. My mind was screaming, "I want you."
I kissed him on the cheek . . . on his nose . . . on his forehead.
I was giggling, ang landi-landi kong bata. Then I kissed him on the lips and giggled a lot. Nakuha ko pang sumiksik sa leeg niya. That was my first kiss kaya kilig na kilig ako sa kagagahan ko.
"Hmm . . . Sab?"
I stared at him with a wide smile. His eyes were still closed, and his brows were wrinkled. He wrapped his arms around me and tapped me on the head. "Nandiyan na kuya mo?"
"Kuya Clark . . ."
"Hmm . . ."
"I love you."
"'Ge, 'ge. Labas ka na, Sab. Bawal ka rito. Baka ibato ka ng kuya mo sa bintana."
"Kiss mo 'ko."
He turned to me and kissed me on the forehead. "Sige na, labas ka na." He tapped my back once again saka siya tumalikod at nagtalukbong ng kumot.
At ako na likas ang kaharutan, inisip naman na may chance kami. Ten years old, napakalandi.
And because of that, I changed my game plan. Minsan, naaabutan ko si Clark na nag-aaral habang wala pa si Kuya. Ito ang mga week na may assessment sila at need niyang mag-review. Pero madalas siyang tulog kapag wala.
At ang mapagsamantala kong isipan, kinukuha ang opportunity kapag tulog siya.
Tatabi ako sa kanya sa kama, I would steal kisses habang tulog siya. Kasi kapag gising siya, hindi niya ako papayagan. Pagagalitan lang niya ako. Sa forehead o sa tuktok ng ulo lang kasi niya ako naki-kiss ever since. Sa cheeks naman, minsan na lang, hindi gaya noon.
It lasted for a month. Until one day, habang tulog siya, I went to the extreme. I slowly touched his boxers and felt what was in between his legs. My mouth opened wide as I felt how hard that thing was. Amazed na amazed pa ako noong unang beses akong makahawak ng hindi ko dapat hawakan nang walang paalam.
And when I tried removing his boxers, a hard slap stopped my hands from doing my plan.
"Sabrina!"
I froze out of shock.
I was staring at Clark's angry face, glaring at me. He took my arm and put me on the swivel chair on the study table near us. He pulled that near the bed hanggang sa maharap niya ako.
He crossed his arms, and all I could feel was panic. I couldn't move.
"Ano'ng ginagawa mo?" he asked strictly.
"Kuya Clark . . ."
"Tinatanong kita."
"Hinahawakan ko lang . . ." My eyes started to form tears.
"Hinahawakan? Alam mo bang masama ang ginagawa mo? Bakit mo hinahawakan 'yon?"
"Pero hindi naman—"
"Anong pero hindi naman?"
"Napanood ko kasi sa movie . . ."
"Anong movie?"
"Yung pinapanood mo. Yung babae saka lalaki na nakahubad. Tapos sinusubo 'yon ng babae . . ."
"'Tang ina naman, Sab! Ba't ka nanonood n'on!"
"Nakita ko sa 'yo, e . . ." My maarte self started crying.
He got off the bed and walked here and there. He was combing his hair, halatang nalilito sa gagawin. Hihinto siya sa harap ko, then maglalakad na naman pabalik-balik habang sinasabunutan ang sarili.
"My God, Sabrina." Then he kneeled in front of me. He bent down on my lap and took a deep breath. "Okay . . . stop crying." He wiped my tears as I sobbed in fear. Mukha kasi siyang galit kaya inisip kong nagagalit na siya sa 'kin. Ayokong magalit siya sa 'kin. Natatakot ako kasi baka saktan din niya ako gaya ni Kuya.
"Sorry po . . ." I wept, and I tried to stop it, but I couldn't.
"Sshh . . . okay lang. Huwag mo nang uulitin 'yon. Huwag mo ring sasabihin sa kuya saka sa parents mo, ako ang bahalang mag-explain. Naiintindihan mo ba?"
Tumango lang ako habang umiiyak.
"Huwag ka nang papasok dito sa kuwarto ng kuya mo. Kapag naabutan ka niya rito, papaluin ka n'on."
Punas lang ako nang punas ng mata habang umiiyak.
He took my hand and lifted me. He carried me in front of him like a baby. I snuggled on him habang umiiyak ako sa sama ng loob. Dinala na lang niya ako sa kuwarto ko at ibinaba sa kama ko.
"Stay here. Huwag kang dadaan doon kay Rico, last warning na."
"Opo . . ."
He was about to leave me when I grabbed his hand.
"Kuya Clark, galit ka sa 'kin . . . ?"
He let out a deep sigh and kissed me on the forehead. "Huwag mong uulitin para hindi na 'ko magalit sa 'yo."
Then he left my room.
And that was the last kiss he gave me when I was a kid. After that day, hindi ko na siya nakita sa bahay. Mum said dumadalaw siya, but even his shadow, I never had a chance to get a glimpse of it. He never let me see him again.
I considered him my first unexpected love. And that was my first heartbreak. Yung alam mong nagpapakita siya sa iba pero sa 'yo, ayaw na niya.
I started to question myself, ano ang fault ko? Na ganoon ba ka-extreme ang ginawa ko to the point na hindi na siya magpakita sa akin?
Sa sobrang devastating sa akin ng nangyari, isinumbong ko siya kay Mum. I told Mum that I wanted my Kuya Clark back or else I would kill myself. Whole year akong nagta-tantrum para lang sa kanya, but . . . walang Clark na nagpakita.
Dinala ako ni Tita Ali sa U.S. Doon ako nag-middle school. Doon ko lang din na-realize lahat ng kagagahan ko sa Earth. That Clark did the right thing noong hinahanap ko siya. Because I was ten and he was sixteen. Ni hindi pa nga ako nagbe-baby bra n'on!
At that time, ang gusto ko lang, bumalik si Clark. Naging civil naman na kami kasi bumalik ako sa Philippines, seventeen na rin ako. I reached his age when I last saw him. Graduation ni Leo at nakasama ko sila ni Kuya and the rest of Kuya's new set of barkada.
Maybe I once asked Mum to bring back Clark to me, pero wala sa usapan na magpapakasal kami. And now, ang dami nang nangyari. Twenty-six na 'ko. Pinagsisihan ko na ang mga kalandian ko noon.
Ayoko nang makasama ngayon si Clark nang kami lang dahil maliban sa nakakahiya nang makasama siya, hindi ko ma-take na ikakasal kaming dalawa. Ang weird. Sobrang weird sa feeling.
And now, ipinaalala pa niya sa akin ang bad memories ko with him. E di, mas lalong ayoko na siyang makita. Unfortunately . . .
"Kakausapin mo si Mum, di ba?" tanong ni Kuya kay Clark pagpunta namin sa parking lot.
"Oo, bakit?"
"Isabay mo na si Sab. Sa kabila kami dadaan ni Jaesie."
Napairap agad ako kay Clark nang tingnan ako nang masama.
"Magta-taxi na lang ako," sabi ko at akma na sanang maglalakad paalis.
"Sumakay ka na, Sabrina," sermon ni Kuya at siya pa ang naghatak sa akin papunta sa passenger seat ng kotse ni Clark.
"Kuyaaaa!"
"Isusumbong kita kay Mum, sige."
"Nakakainis ka talaga!"
"Huwag kang magba-bar nang walang kasama, ha. I'm warning you," Kuya said, pointing his finger at my face. "Clark, iuwi mo 'to, ha. Baka kung saan na namang party pumunta."
Kung bakit naman kasi sa dinami-rami ng tao sa Earth, si Clark pa, e. Tsk, kainis.
♥♥♥