SOMETIMES, WHEN THE NIGHT was all-consuming enough, she happened upon a dream. It was a rare occasion in the forest of nightmares crowding her mind, but the rarest thing of all was that she was happy. She wasn't a bruised girl desperate for anyone to look her way anymore, striving for a perfection which broke her down. No, instead she was rosy-cheeked and smiling. When she allowed herself to, she even laughed.
Carelessness was a strange feeling, certainly when she didn't have to feel guilty for it. Her every movement had to be thought out, her every word a chess move to climb further to be someone no one could touch. She had to be. If she wasn't who everyone else thought she should be, she was no one at all. That, more than her insomnia, more than her body breaking down, that scared her most of all.
Here she had no fear. Instead she was a little girl, with a mother who baked for her and a father who only raised his hand to ruffle it through her hair. In the morning her mother gently pulled her hair back with butterfly clips and her teeth were crooked, but no one commented on them. She didn't have braces put in as soon as possible so she'd be pretty. It didn't matter what she looked like for her to be loved.
At midday, she was older, her hair in a ponytail now as she walked towards work. She greeted her colleagues and then walked in the classroom, to begin teaching. All her students' eyes didn't pry for any flaws. No, they loved her, the children running around her as she taught them the way the world spun in a language they understood. She listened to them all. When they were finished, she ruffled her hands through their hair.
When the sky soaked navy blue, her hair turned grey. She was sitting in a rocking chair on a porch, a book in her hand even though she was losing her sight. The house behind her was warm and filled with light, the sound of laughter dancing around her. She was called inside and even though she didn't know who was shouting her name, the only thing that mattered was that it was someone who loved her. There were no demons haunting her now.
And like always, as soon as the clock struck midnight, she woke up. At times she had found herself cruel for even dreaming it, especially when she knew it would never come true. Other times she lost herself so much in the fantasy that she was fine with living a lie. Today, as she had opened her eyes and had seen Nathan beside her, she didn't know why she had felt relieved. She didn't know why that thought had made her feel warm in her heart and sick to her stomach at the same time.
In the end, she had never been fated for anything but a tragedy. Strangely, the thought didn't break her heart anymore. She supposed the fragments were scattered in the hands of a woman gone crazy and a man with bruised knuckles. Surprisingly, her mother and father reminded her of them.
He had told her about his sister, but she hadn't spoken about her parents much yet. It wasn't that she didn't want to per se, but she didn't have much to tell. What he knew, he had learned from the information he had gathered. That was all the knowledge she had as well. Her father had abandoned them one day and her mother had spiraled into a breakdown she had never recovered from. When she had left too, she had jarringly seen her father's eyes in the mirror. If she hadn't, she would've seen her mother's smile.
Either way, she was cursed. Even leaving hadn't made them disappear, but she had learned to live with them now. She wondered if she stabbed her mother's ghost one more time whether she would stick the knife right in her own heart. They had always resembled each other so much it was eery after all. Her mother had lost her mind in the pursuit of beauty and she had let herself go a while back too, in the pursuit of love.
"Do you know some people are proclaiming me the voice of justice?"
She glanced at Nathan, his hands on both sides of his desk as he looked at the documents. He was searching for new victims, the dim light of the candles casting an eery sheen on him. Most days he spent in this room, trying to find people who made his words taste like iron in anger. Whether he truly did it to avenge his sister or simply because it was fun didn't matter. The end didn't justify the means. It was fine. She wouldn't leave him, not as long as he loved her.
"Do you believe them?" she asked, fingers grazing past his.
His gaze flicked towards her, amused. "Of course not. That would make me a foolish man, instead of a heartless killer."
"Is that so?" she smiled, before adding," justice is subjective to the eye of the beholder. Are you not acting on what you think is right?"
"No," he said, crossing a name through on one of the papers," all I'm doing is because it's fun, Helene. Life is all a game, I simply have to show the people in the world what the rules are."
She read the crime underneath the name, but didn't say anything to stop him. Why should she? Had anyone stopped thinking of whether she deserved it when they had punished her for existing? The morals the world had told her were right had been left behind in that basement, as soon as she cut through ghosts and her mind scattered the names of her victims in the wind. She hadn't burned at the cross then, but she had when she was little. No matter what she did, it wouldn't be right anyway. Now she might just as well go along with whatever was fun.
"Teach me the rules," she said," I want to help."
"You do?" he blinked, a wide smile flashing across his face then," I'd love to let you join me."
"Can I ask something else of you, darling?" she asked, leaning forward so she was close enough for her to whisper the words.
"Anything," he murmured back, eyes locked on her.
The words were tangling in her throat as she thought of the best way to string them together, like she had for the whole time she had been imprisoned here. There never had been a right moment to ask, but after all they had been through, would he refuse her this request? He couldn't. She didn't care if she would never be saved, but he had to have been.
"What happened to Dante?" she said," did you grant him his life, in the end?"
He froze almost imperceptibly, but she had already anticipated he wouldn't have been happy with the question. Still, she had to say it. When they had left that day, he had promised her a life. Now she wanted to know what had happened to the one friend she had had. All the consideration he had given her, she wanted to return it. She'd help him this time, even if that meant staying as far away from him as possible. In the end, everyone around her ended up insane or dead after all.
"Why do you care?" he said," am I not the only one you're looking at, my lovely Helene?"
"You are," she said," if you weren't, I wouldn't have been standing here. Still, Dante did me a favor in the prison. All I want is to know I paid it back, so I can go on, fully focused on you."
"What favor?" Nathan said.
She thought of everything he had done, of the way he had been the only one to defend her, continuously. When she spoke though, she only mentioned one thing, voice airy, like it had been something small to her.
"He helped me," she said," one time. Remember when my hands were bandaged? I was attacked then. Dante's the only reason my throat wasn't slit as well. Besides, my darling, didn't you promise me his life? We wouldn't play games with each other anymore, you told me that."
"I -" he began, before swallowing his words. Then, ever so softly, he continued, voice like velvet. "If I'll let you see him once, will you return to my side afterwards?"
"Of course," she said, taking his hand in hers and squeezing," trust me, Nathan. Please, that's all I ask. If you do so, I'll stay by your side no matter what."
"What if I don't?" he said, gaze undecipherable.
She didn't know why she cared so much for Dante, not when she didn't mind being cruel to the rest of the world anymore. It wasn't the same all-consuming love she had for Nathan, but in a way, he felt like the last bit of her humanity. He had been the only one who had shown her kindness without expecting anything in return, who had treated her like anything other than a prodigy. In another life, he might have been sitting on that porch with her. In this one, all she wanted to know was whether he was alive.
"I'll love you still," she said," I'll always love you, Nathan. We deserve each other. All I want is to know whether he's alright, nothing more than that."
He hesitated, but after a moment, he finally nodded.
"Alright," he said," next week, I'll show you him."
"Next week," she smiled, pecking him on the lips," I'm a bit tired tonight, so I'll come along with the next one, darling. I think I'll stroll around the garden now, to wish for some sleep to dawn on me."
"Enjoy the roses, my love," he said," I'll be home soon."
With that she left, humming softly to herself as she took a step in the rose garden. She started counting them again, a habit she couldn't seem to shake. It was more difficult to do so from below than the window, but in a way, it calmed her. Two hundred she had counted already when she was almost through the garden, her only company the silver-smiled moon and star-bedazzled sky.
"Two hundred and twenty," she whispered, knowing that one look to her right would show her the last two roses.
As she turned, the red petals made way for hazel eyes, ones who had used to be cold, but now only were kind.
"Helene," Dante said, reaching out his hand to her," come on, you're escaping."