the cold air greeting her cheeks startled herself from zoning out. the blazer hugging her body right somehow feels suffocating, no matter how she fix it on her body. looking at her left, there's a figure of a man sitting down; looking like he's mumbling something while looking at the photo infront of them.
she tapped on his shoulder slowly, smiling at him.
"we should go now," she says.
he looked up to her before standing, without the smile that he used to brag on how people love it when he smiles. he sighs, repeatedly; with his eyes forming crystal clear tears on the eyelids.
she took his hand gently, leading him outside. she inhales deeply, not wanting those liquid coming out from her eyelids like him.
it's not that she doesn't want to cry.
it's just that she's too tired to even cry.
"wait for me."
they keep on walking as she ignored him, straight to the car that she owns. unlocking the car, she saw two light blue scrubs folded neatly at the backseat as she walked pass it.
she stops, looking at herself.
a dark blue scrubs, with a black blazer hugging it nicely.
time do passes really quick.
starting the engine as she put on her seatbelt, rush of emotions goes through her mind. her ears caught the sobbing sounds coming from the man next to her. she sighs, pulling out a box of tissues and put it on the dashboard infront of the passenger seat.
"i'm sorry," he says slowly, wiping his own tears.
"just stop, I've heard that way too many times i don't know if i can take it anymore," she lets out, holding her head. "i don't want to cry, again"
"right, i should shut up" he replied.
"it's been two months since the surgery. are you feeling well ?"
driving slowly from the grave, she takes the left route going straight back to the hospital. juyeon took a glance on her as he straighten his blazer, crumpling the tissues on his hand.
"i just hope tomorrow won't be the last time i open my eyes.."
sara frowns, "lee juyeon i swear to god.."
"okay yeah i feel good and confident i guess ? i just want to feel being alive, but i just don't want to put my hopes high.. yet.." he laughs, scratching his head.
"you'll get through this."
juyeon smiles nonchalantly as he glance at her again, "ofcourse i will. you were the one who held the scalpel why should i doubt, damn it"
sara chuckles lightly, though her heart aches at the thought of his surgery. rush of emotions swimming in her as she focuses more on the road, knowing too well that if she lets herself consumed with the emotions fight; she'll lose.
"i want to know who's the donor," juyeon says, tapping his fingers in the dashboard while stealing a glance at her. she shifts in her seat uncomfortably, before brushing her bangs back.
"it's the donor's privacy. they agreed to conditions that if their organs get donated once they died, it'll be from an anonymous. im sorry but i can't tell you." she exhales, carefully spitting lies.
truth is, juyeon doesn't even need to know who's his donor was. he just needs to focus on getting better, just like how she's trying to distract the thoughts that runs wild in her head about who's heart is he receiving.
her heart aches, her inner thoughts screams, whimpers and shouts though no one can hear them. tears starts to blurry her vision as the grip on of her hand tightened on the steering wheel. the rain pours heavily outside seems like trying to accompany the melancholic feeling that surrounds her.
she quickly rub off tears that successfully escaped her eyelids, without glancing at juyeon. the latter saw, but decided to not say anything upon it.
"it's his, isn't it ?"
silence that fills in says everything beneath the lies that was said. there is nothing left to be said when the truth is right infront of them, there is nothing to lie when the destiny has been written. no one can hides the truth when the universe already decides on what has to happened and what is not.
the hot tears that streams down her face; she was unsure herself on why is she even crying.
is it because the truth always hurts ? or is it because the unfair destiny written for both her and hyunjae ? or is it because she just lost her sanity ?
denial, it has always been denial that slowly kills.
the car slows down and eventually stops by the side road of the highway, with rain still heavily pouring down flooding the earth.
"why does it always end like this ?" she sobs. "why does my life always found this pathetic loophole? all i have ever wanted is to be happy for once, i have tried so many years to find a reason to be happier and the moment i figured i had it all, everything disappeared into dust within seconds. i am tired of fighting, i am tired of living only to lose everything and everyone that i have ever loved. i lost everything when i was only a child and now i lost him too. why in the world i always end up living like i was in hell of a loophole?"
she hold her heart, as the pain scorching though her heart with tears streaming down her face endlessly. her voice cracks as she cries uncontrollably while bumping her head repeatedly on the steering wheel.
juyeon immediately put a hand on the steering wheel, stopping her for hurting herself. he then pulls her close, resting her head on his shoulder. she cries harder, and every seconds feels like hell.
he couldn't even say anything to console her, as his mind was too busy rewinding a memory that he can never erase off. one truth that might change the person on his side to view things differently. he never wished for any of these to happened either. a core memory slides into his mind endlessly, a memory that he had buried deep down inside and never wanted to remember again.
"tell me, juyeon. tell me what do i even do after this ?" she says, drowning with tears.
"i'm sorry," he lets out, holding his own tears.
"it's not your fault," she sobs. "it was mine"
"no, sara it was never your fault. it was not your fault that hyunjae died and it was not my fault either that i have this disease where i was going to be gifted his heart. it was only the cruel destiny that destroyed everything that either me or you, or even him had planned with our lifes. they took everything away from you, including your best friend and you have every right to feel whatever you're feeling," he stops, controlling his uneven breathing with tears blinding his vision.
"you have every right to be mad or upset at me. if i was you, i would too. he was your bestfriend.."
pain starts to overwhelm his heart but his mind refuses to respond to it, leaving the pain as it be.
"but neither do i have ever wished that i would steal a heart away from the same person twice. i was the one who took everything away from a person that only tried his best to live a life he had. i fucked up not once, but twice and if i had known any better at this point i think i will just stop trying because you know everytime i tried, i'd took away something from someone just like what i did to him and you."
her face changes slowly, bringing her head up and their eyes collides.
"what are you talking about—"
"i was the one who killed his sister. i took the only opportunity they had to live a peaceful life together. i thought i was lucky, but hadn't i knew that i was destroying a life. it just happened that my family has the connections and money, so they cut off the transplant list and brought my name on top of the list when it was her sister's place. she suffered a lot more pain than i can ever imagine yet i was so selfish and steal her life away."
sara freezes at her place as juyeon cries harder while hugging her close. she couldn't think straight enough to say something.
"i was selfish. my family was selfish. and maybe, the karma was the heart that i got ruptured the moment it enters my body. and so i never recovered, i wasted the opportunity they had because i desperately wanted to live a normal life. if there's anyone to be blamed here, it is me and not you. you did nothing wrong, instead you light up hopes in him. you fixed him into becoming a person i thought he will never became the moment i stole her sister's life away. i'm sorry i took it away from you, i'm sorry for everything.."
sara tries to hold her tears back but the truth seems to overwhelm her. more tears flew out as she closes eyes, surrendering her feelings.
with the rain accompanying them, each other in an embrace that was full with honesty and truths; discovering the fate that wraps around them cruelly.