( CHAPTER TEN && GRASPING AT STRAWS )
❝ the world long-forgotten at your fingertips ❞
—
NIGHTLIFE FESTIVITIES WERE far more lively than you had anticipated. Street vendors were busy catering to customers, children played their games, weaving through the alleyways, and the bars— most importantly, were loud and full of life. Coming from the announcement that followed this year's Star; it's not surprising to see the city so lively.
This year's Star was chosen to be Amber who had been given the title for her valor and commitment to helping those around her. Although your time with Amber post-incident has been very brief (she sent you a card expressing well wishes for recovery). You recognized her good intention and kind heart. She greatly deserved the title, more than anyone else. Such benevolence doesn't come easily, nor does that sense of unwavering justice she possessed.
You decided to pay the Knights a visit, seeing as it was nearing the end of the festivities for the day. The purpose of the visitation was to thank Amber for the well wishes and to congratulate her (as you avoided the ceremony after your exchange with Diluc; it didn't feel right for you to attend). There were other intentions, more specifically to see Jean as you haven't had any direct contact with her since your awakening.
Twisting, you turned and weaved through the stone alleyways, making little progress towards the Knights' Headquarters.
You took another turn, looking left to see that you've somehow made it to the base of the windmills - close to the gothic-style hotel. You huffed in frustration, confused with your atrocious sense of direction before a voice came from behind.
"Are you perhaps lost, ma'am?"
Evidently. You almost wanted to say but bit back the snark as you spun around to meet a piercing emerald gaze. "A bit, yes."
It was rather embarrassing to admit such a thing but you were indeed lost. It was your first time back in the city since the incident; and your previous memories served you very little in terms of guidance.
You observed the blonde-haired male, glossing over his delicate features to observe his almost... uncanny expression. Strangely familiar though of course, this could've just been another causation of your psyche. Your mind fractured like pieces of a broken mirror that seemingly reflected what your old life was like...
"Ah, Lady Gunnhildr. My apologies for not recognizing you." So he knew you, or at least... recognized you in this state.
"It's... no worries." Your tone wavered with little confidence. Surely your condition has been told to all? Or at the very least, heard by the general populace. "And you are...?"
He smiled, his eyes gleaming with a silvery overcast of stars. "My apologies... I am the Chief Alchemist and Captain of the Investigation Team; I go by Albedo."
You bit your bottom lip, shaking your head with mild hesitation. "I... I'm sorry... I don't recognize you."
(It seems those words seem most familiar to you these days.)
Albedo didn't seem to mind, if anything, his expression remained the same - still presenting you with a friendly smile. "I didn't expect you to, Lady Gunnhildr. You've only met briefly before this chance encounter and following the incident, it is highly improbable that you would recall who I am."
You nodded along to his words mindlessly. The awkwardness that followed every time you had to readdress the presenting symptom was inescapable... It was almost as if a living guilt followed you like a looming storm.
"Have you come to see the festivities?" You decided to make small talk (not that you were ever good at it). Still, the chance presented itself to you.
"More or less. I was watching Klee for the majority of the evening but she wished to stay with Amber following the announcement of the Star." Albedo let out a soft chuckle before quickly explaining, "Klee is our young Spark Knight. She's the great adventurer Alice's daughter; currently in my care."
You recalled Kaeya mentioning her in passing once or twice; you suspected her to be a troublemaker type based on what you've heard.
"I see... On the topic of Amber, do you happen to know where she is? I wish to congratulate and thank her." You watched as Albedo nodded, his expression changed when talking about Klee. He looked... happier. They seemed to have a good relationship.
"Likely at the Headquarters. Jean and Lisa were rather excited to hear the announcement, prompting a celebration. I just came out for some fresh air." You nodded along with his words, feeling your chest grow tight but ignored it - you didn't know why.
"Do..." You paused for a moment. "Would you be so kind as to bring me to her...?"
Albedo spun on his heels, graceful and calculated. His next words weighed heavily on your chest. "To see Amber, My Lady? Or Jean?"
You were taken aback, unsure. Had he surmised that this was likely your best opportunity to speak with Jean under such pretenses? If so, you must applaud him.
"Both." You concluded, the words left you hesitantly. Though of why you felt the way you did— the anxiety crawling at your chest and constricting your neck; you were entirely unsure. It felt a bitter feeling in the void of your body, lungs heavy with uncertainty.
"Allow me to be your guide." Albedo gestured for you to follow him, doing so a few paces behind to process and rationalize your thinking.
(Confrontation has always been hard for you.)
Though of what you were confronting, that remained unknown to you. The thought had nagged you for some time, wondering what it is that bothered you so much.
"Albedo...?" He stopped, glancing over his shoulders back at you.
"Yes?" He answered plainly.
"Do you know what prompted the incident that night...? Why was I running through a storm on the night of a ball...?"
The silence that followed was deafening to you. It was unclear to you whether or not he was intentionally trying to keep you ignorant of the details; much like everyone else who seem to have either conceptualized your amnesia as the product of a tragic accident or that there was something more than that— something they were afraid to acknowledge; something you were afraid to hear perhaps.
"My Lady..." He begins with your title, as they always do. To separate the person from their background was impossible; a permanence that was always tethered together. Inevitable, no matter how far you try to distance yourself.
(You felt empty association with your own identity.)
"I am not in a place to speak on the matter as it does not pertain to me." He continued, you suspected such an answer from him. Nevertheless, it disappointed you just as much.
"However," you looked up, meeting his gaze. "I believe it to be crucial that you speak with the Acting Grand Master to resolve such tensions."
What tensions? You wanted to ask but were unable to. Your tongue failing you at such a critical junction; expectedly waiting for an answer that would be given. Nothing, they knew so much and yet you— the person in question, so little.
"Ah..." Your gaze fell to the floor before a question left your lips faster than you could process it entirely. "What was I like... prior to the incident?"
Albedo took a moment to respond, nonchalantly answering with: "much the same as you are; aloof but kind. You protect the wishes and dreams of children too good for this world."
Is... that so...?
"And what of the differences?" You heard yourself say, unsure if you really wanted to hear the answer.
(Why were you so afraid to hear the truth?)
"Not much... I suppose you are more disconnected than you were before. Less of an association between individuals, I would say. Of the ones you cared for most, you seem to lack affection towards them."
You were grateful for his honesty, never mind how harsh it was. It couldn't be denied that you were disheartened.. There was that nagging voice at the back of your head returning, pleading indifference but your heart tugged regardless. These were circumstances inevitable, you argued with yourself. Nothing I could've change even if I wanted.
"I see..." The words left your tongue heavily, an invisible weight. "Thank you, Albedo."
He nodded, indifferent. He turned on his heels and you followed him, trailing a distance behind as he guided you to the Knights' Headquarters.
Jovial, you heard laughter all around. It became a habit of yours, you realized; to watch unrecognizable faces walk past you - fleeting emotions flickering through you like a candle to the wind. They smiled and greeted you, rinse and repeat. All so unfamiliar; you couldn't smile as bright as the rest of them - it never quite reached your eyes when you responded to their greetings.
They knew who you were, more so than you did yourself. It's what irked you most.
"We're here." Albedo announced, gesturing for you to head in first. You followed through, your fingers wrapped tight against the cool metal. Pulling hard, you opened the doors to the headquarters wherein you were met with a loud wail.
"Amber! Amber! Please!" A child, no older than twelve you presumed, cried and tugged on Amber's arm in desperation. "You'll help me find Big Brother Albedo, won't you?"
"Klee, you shouldn't pull on Amber's arms like that." Albedo softly berated, smiling as Klee spun around to see the two of you.
"Big Brother Albedo!" She rushed over, skipping with a grin on her face. "You're back...!"
"I am, I also brought a friend with me. Do not forget your manners, Klee." At that, Klee turned to you, the cheshire grin still wide on her face.
"Spark Knight Klee of the Knights of Favonius! I... Uh... Am happy to meet you?" She turned to Albedo for approval. He nodded in response.
"Hello Klee," you feigned a smile, lips awkwardly twitching upwards. "I'm happy to meet you as well..."
Your own name sounded alien in your mind. It sounded wrong, it didn't belong to you. Thankfully, Klee did not notice your hesitation.
"Amber has told me a lot about you, Miss!" Klee began, bouncing up and down excitedly. "That you're Master Jean's older sister! And! And! You're Kaeya's best friend! And! Um... What else...! I'm not very good at remembering..."
Amber walked over, kneeling to her level and patted the top of the young knight's head. "It's okay, Klee. You remembered what is most important."
What is... most important, huh?
You wondered to yourself if perhaps Amber made a mistake by not mentioning your engagement to Diluc but said nothing of it. In a moment like this - you supposed it matters little to someone as young as Klee who was likely to forget this information. Klee wouldn't know better at her age.
(And perhaps... It was for the better to omit such information at this time.)
"Did I do well?" Klee asked, turning to Albedo for tacit approval - to which he nodded and she cheered, dancing in a circle with her arms in the air.
"Thank you for taking care of her, Amber." Albedo nodded to the Outrider kneeling beside Klee. He placed a hand on the youngest knight's head, prompting her to rush to his side. "I'll take it from here. I believe Lady Gunnhildr has a few words of congratulation to share with you."
Klee and Albedo departed not long after this brief exchange (only after the former asked you if she could play with you in the future - of which you agreed to the young girl's request). This left you alone with Amber; and although you felt relatively at ease with the friendly outrider - you couldn't deny your own anxiety in matching a name to an unfamiliar face.
"My Lady...?" Amber was the first to break the silence. Her tone seemed friendly enough.
"Right..." You coughed into your fist, turning to her donning an awkward expression on your face. "I wanted... to congratulate you on becoming this year's Star. It's no simple feat." So I've been told, you wanted to add but decidedly omitted your own uncertainty. "I also wanted... to thank you for your cards of well wishes in recovery. That was very kind of you..."
Amber shook her head earnestly. "Oh no! It's... really nothing. I honestly wished I could've done more to help... But if Barbara and the Grand Master's healing couldn't help... I'm not sure what I really could've done besides pray for your health and wellbeing."
Her words were sincere, that much you could tell. Amber is a very straightforward girl, based on what you've learned about her. Fear never hindered her own ambitions nor did they hinder her impulses fueled by courage. Her kindness knew no bounds.
And in a way, you envied her for that reason.
"It's no fault of your own." It was mine alone. Your hand reached out to soothe her, gently patting her shoulder in a gesture of reassurance. "I appreciated your kind thoughts."
Amber glanced over her shoulder at you, smiling softly. "My Lady is feeling much better then?"
"Yes." You answered too quickly. It wasn't necessarily a lie; but a lie was a lie - half truths concealed from the other party with intent.
She hummed, nodding. "I'm happy to hear... I was so worried when the news came to us. I intended to visit but with the Acting Grand Master and Captain Kaeya away, I couldn't leave my post."
She lowered her head, there was a sense of shame in her voice.
There was nothing you could've done. You wanted to tell her. There are times when our positions do not allow us certain things.
There were a number of things you wanted to say but could never find the courage to say aloud. Most, you felt, were too hypocritical of you to say.
(How could one show so much kindness to a dead soul?)
"Your well wishes meant plenty. The gesture is noted. Your kindness won't be forgotten so easily." You answered her too quickly, the tone remaining neutral in nature. It was almost overly passive, avoidant of the conversation.
Amber seemed to have caught on - changing the topic almost immediately. "Did My Lady come to visit the headquarters for something aside from thanking me?"
Guilt flooded your chest, recognizing the look in her glimmering eyes to be one of sadness. You hadn't meant your words to be taken with harmful intentions... It couldn't be helped in the midst of your own confusion.
"I... wanted to ask for an audience with the Acting Grand Master." The words sounded ridiculous leaving your lips; that you of all people was asking for permission to visit your own sister - your blood relative in such a formal manner.
"Grand Master Jean is in her office. I don't think she has any meetings lined up so now is the best time." Amber smiled at you. "I'll leave you to it then. If you need anything from me, please don't be afraid to reach out."
There was an emphasis to her words - in particular the last line, you noted.
"Thank you, Amber. I'll keep that in mind." You forced a smile, bidding her farewell as you walked over to the grand oak door dividing you and your sister.
Thrice, you knocked. A familiar voice came from within. "Come in!"
You entered, eyes glued to the carpeted floor as you closed the exit behind you. Hearing the door click, you let out a soft sigh.
"Sister...?" You heard a chair squeak against the carpet, turning to confirm that Jean had risen from her seat from behind the crowded desk. "I was under the impression that... Oh...! My office is such a mess, I apologize."
This would constitute your first physical meeting with Jean in this state. It had bothered you that much of your own knowledge came as secondary information to you - especially since you learned of your sisters' existences through passing information in conversation with Kaeya and Diluc. You supposed it said a lot in regards to your estranged relationship with them but had it been so bad previous to the accident?
The forlorn look in Jean's eyes told you as much; the conflicted expression didn't match with her smile. But neither did your feigned smile and sullen eyes.
"It's alright. I don't mind." You assured her, stepping over a stack of books near the entryway. "Have... you been in the office all day?"
Small talk isn't your thing, you've learned. There was still much adjusting to be done when it came to interacting with others. At the very least - to those who held no expectations of you like Fischl, it was easier to portray a role she desired.
But in the case presented before you, difficulties were obvious.
"There is much work to be done." Jean let out a strained chuckle, bringing over a chair for you to sit. "I have been buried with my work for the past few days... I apologize for not seeing you sooner. Kaeya has been keeping me updated with your condition. Are... you well-adjusted yet?"
You sat down, eyes fixed on the messy floor. "More or less." You replied awkwardly. "There is still much to get used to..."
Jean nodded. "I'm sure... It must've been difficult for you... to adjust to these circumstances..."
"I will learn," you said with hopefulness. "These... moments take time."
No one quite understands your predicament. You couldn't fault them, your experience was uncommon to go through and yet - it was self isolating to see the world move past your eyes.
Like the dripping sand of an hourglass, the world continues inwards and time halts for no one. You learn how to pretend to be someone who had died long ago. In that dreamscape, only your empty shell remained - wandering along a lonesome pathway past the ghostly realm.
Far beyond the initial void, there stood the overgrown garden of grapevines. A dead Eden with crumbling walls and blackened weeds; neglected, forgotten. You found yourself returning here often - fingers grazing the walls to feel the grapevines entwine with brick. Labyrinthine walls stood high, casting shadow over your sunlight. Only broken cracks allowed such passage of light.
And in those scarce places, you found brief repose.
—
END OF CHAPTER TEN
author's note.
hello hello friends, it's been a long time.
i apologize for the delay in getting this chapter published - uni really has been taking a lot out of me. it's been really dreadful and only thanks to my boosted motivation for nanowrimo did i actually finish writing this chapter.
i honestly had considered unpublishing everything for a bit :/ but im glad i didnt. writing is my passion and i just needed time to readjust back to uni and it's tremendous amount of work.
in any case !! i hope you've enjoyed this chapter :) until next time my friends, stay safe and take care!