Two weeks. I've never spent two weeks consecutively spending ninety five percent of my day locked in my room. At least when Evie died, we all mourned together, physically together. We were there for each other, and stopped each other from falling over the edge.
Now, anything bringing us together has simply fallen apart. Sure enough, everyone else has gone out to talk to Chuck, have their private moments with him, but never together. Ironically, Chuck is the one keeping us together when he's not even around anymore. It still hurts almost as much as the day it happened.
I'm the only one who still hasn't gone out to sit by Chuck's grave. I know I will, but I feel as though I need to stay in this bed, locked away for at least another month. I haven't taken off my watch, and I'm simply passing time by literally watching it go by on my wrist. I've never been stuck in a depression like this before, which is remarkable, given all that I've been through.
I've come to realize a few things in my time of silent reflection. I'm not the same person I was when I left the house, pushing Chuck in a wheelbarrow. I remember for a moment, thinking about how it felt freeing to leave. The outside world had a strange pull on me that night, I almost had an excitement of being back in a hospital, as if I were meant to be there. I had never realized that feeling until after everything happened. That thought process only made coming back without him hurt even more.
Because of this, more and more, it makes me question why we stay out here, if it's really worth the trouble. I understand why the others stay––they have no other choice. But what about me? What options do I have? Is this all really worth it? If I knew about my current thoughts a few months ago, I wouldn't believe it to be true.
That calling from the world has kept coming back to me. It has reminded me of my failures in the past. Fourteen years and fifteen years are two lifespans that were cut off way too short. One might've been prevented, while still an accidental loss, but the other life, I held in my own hands and left to die. All because of a societal fear that is starting to no longer benefit us. It's literally killing us.
It's something that nobody else out here can see. Even after all of these dreadful experiences, they still haven't changed their ways. They still choose to suffer out here, rather than try again in the world. Not even the avoidable loss of two of their best friends has changed them.
We all came out to this house looking for sanctuary, peace, perhaps even friendship, but that has all vanished, leaving us all to suffer alone.
While I want to stay in bed longer, I can't. I need to do something. I know where I need to go. Rising out of bed, I take a step out of my room, passing by everyone in silence.
"Where are you going?", asks Will monotonily.
"For a walk," I reply. "I'll be back soon." I open the door, soaking up the warmer spring weather and afternoon sun.
After about half an hour, I make it to my destination, somewhere I haven't been in a while––the riverside. I notice that there's a half log propped up, with EVIE engraved in it. Alexa must've done this at some point. I sit down on a nearby rock, pondering what to say. The river looks different now, rushing freely. I poke a stick in it to test its depth, and sure enough, it remains the same as it was over two months ago.
"Hey.....Evie," I begin to say. "I know it's been a while since I've been here, or since I've talked to you." I feel a bit ridiculous, but I'm noticing that it's making me feel a little better. "I'm sure you know what's happened since you've been gone. I hope you've said hi to Chuck for me. I really miss him, and I really miss you too." I know what I want to say next, but it's something I've never uttered out loud to anyone, not even myself.
"I.....I've been thinking a lot lately, about things, and how hard they've been. At this point, the whole purpose of me being out here isn't true anymore. It's not a happy place. I'm sure you remember how it is." The breeze picks up slightly. "While it hurts to say it, I...I don't think I can stay out here anymore. I love you all more than anything, but......it's not worth it. It's not enough." I pause, trying not to cry. "I've been experiencing this calling in the world, to become a doctor. I realize now that I couldn't have saved you, but I feel as though I could've saved Chuck." I let more tears fall. "What hurts the most about this, is that the others won't want to leave with me. I'll have to leave them behind too. So now.....I'm left asking myself if this is really worth it." I feel the breeze increase again for a moment. "If you're listening to me, Evie, I need you to give me some sort of sign that it's okay for me to move on. I know it means I won't see you again, but....you've already been gone a long time, haven't you? That will never change." The breeze stops for a moment, but just then, a dragonfly flutters in.
It stops on a nearby leaf, before landing on my hand. It extends its wings, but plants itself firmly on my hand for a moment. I stare in disbelief, as it's quite early in the year for dragonflies. I extend my finger on my other hand, in an attempt to touch it. To my surprise, it lets me. As I gently stroke it and admire its unique texture, I smile sadly. After a few minutes, the dragonfly slowly flutters off with a swift vibration of its wings.
I then start to remember what Evie had once talked to me about with dragonflies, where she used to think that they represented the deceased, and would find their loved ones. I used to not believe in that, but that has now certainly changed. Evie has come through for me one last time.
"Thanks, Evie," I tell her. "I needed that." I stand up and start to walk away, before turning back for a moment. "You know I'm always going to remember you, don't you? I know you won't be far off."
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On my way back from the creek, I take a turn towards our tree, with our initials engraved in it. I gently stroke it, starting from Will's initials at the top, all the way to Chuck's, then Alexa's, then Hayden's, followed by Evie's, finishing with mine. Even when I'm gone, there will still be a remainder of my existence here with this tree. There's a part of me that kind of likes that. At least I'll be remembered somehow.
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Once again, making it back to the house has been feeling like a dreaded thing. This time, however, I start to see it differently. It feels like home, but there's still lots of lingering pain. I could very well be leaving soon. Where would I go? I definitely can't go back to my parents house, and I'd never settle for Jessica. I definitely don't need her anymore, and I know that unlike what she told me, I can't count on her. The only family I have left is my grandmother. She'd only be in her seventies, but I wouldn't know where to find her.
Unless I manage to find the address at my parents' house. I'd have to try. It would be worth a shot. Besides, I have nothing left to lose at this point. My life now is at such a low point now that I can only go up from here.
Once I get back, I notice that nobody is around. I don't go inside right away––especially since I feel that once I enter my room again, I won't come out. Instead, I start to build the fire. It's still only 4:00, but I want something to bring everyone outside.
I find myself almost trembling at the thought of leaving. I'm both dreading to and dying to leave, all at once––but I know I have to. I'll die out here if I don't.
As the firepit catches smoke, I'm washed over with the familiar smell of campfire. I smell my clothes, which have a permanent stench of firewood. That's one thing I will definitely miss, but I'll always have it with me.
The front door opens, with everyone else coming out of it.
"Oh....thanks," says Will sombrely. "What's this for?"
"We haven't sat out at a fire together in over two weeks. I figured it wouldn't hurt to get to do that again," I declare.
"That's true," sighs Alexa. Everyone grabs a seat and starts blankly staring at the fire. Sure enough, nobody says anything.
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As the night progresses, we each alternate being in and out, while mostly sitting at the fire in silence. I can't hold this off any longer. I need to tell them. Say it.
"Everyone, I need to get something off of my chest," I start to say. As I utter it, a sense of impending doom starts to kick in. It's too late now. You have to finish what you started.
"What is it?", asks Hayden.
"I.....I've been feeling guilty about what happened," I start. Good, build up to it. "I could've saved Chuck, but I didn't, and he died because we were all too scared to risk exposure to the world." Well, I wasn't. "I wish I could've had proper training to stop it." Will scoffs, shaking his head.
"Candice, you couldn't have prevented this. We've been over this." I look at him, almost angry.
"Yes, I could've," I reply sternly. "I could've stopped it, it was so simple! The rules out here were what paralyzed us from taking action to save our friend's life! I'm not letting that happen again. I want to be able to save anyone I can. I don't want to have to deal with any deaths as preventable as that one ever again." I take a deep breath, stopping myself from saying more.
"Candice, what are you talking about?", asks Will.
"You're sounding crazy," states Alexa. "As awful as it is what happened, we couldn't have stopped it. Still, we all feel guilty, and we don't need you making it harder on us, telling us what we already know!"
"I'm not going to stick around here anymore if we're just going to let each other die, all for fear of the outside world! Chuck would've survived if we weren't here, and there's a very good chance Evie would've too."
"Stop it!", shrieks Alexa, near tears.
"You don't know what you're talking about," says Hayden.
"You know I'm right," I tell them sadly. "You just can't accept it. You can't realize that us being out here is the problem."
"Oh no, not this again," sighs Will. "What, are you just going to walk out on us now? After everything we've been through?" I don't answer him, rather burst into tears.
"I don't know," I cry, "but I can't keep living like this."
"You can't leave," says Hayden. "We can't just abandon everything when things get hard." I look up at Hayden in disbelief.
"There's a difference between perseverance....and suicide," I tell him. "We're all going to die out here if we stay any longer. There have been so many threats that have shown up, and two of us are gone, suffering the consequences! Where does that leave the rest of us? We're not thriving out here, we're barely surviving."
"We can't," mutters Will. "This is our home. We can't go back out there," he says louder, this time choking up. Without another word, he takes off, heading inside and slamming the door.
"You might be right," says Alexa reluctantly, "but we can't go anywhere. We have no choice....we're stuck here."
"No we're not," I reply, "I think.....I think I have a place to go. You all could come with me." Hayden shakes his head.
"No we can't," he answers. "We'd still be out in the world, wouldn't we? We'd still be exposed, out in the open."
"Where would you even go?", asks Alexa.
"My grandmother's house," I tell them. "I just need the address from my parent's place." Hayden and Alexa look shocked.
"Wait," snaps Hayden, "you're telling me that in order to get to safety, you'd be leaving your home, forever, going back to where you came from, what you ran away from in the first place, to maybe find an address that your grandmother might be at? No way, there's too much risk with that alone." He gets up, with Alexa following. "We're not doing it."
"And the fact that you want to.....shows us that you never cared in the first place," adds Alexa. The two of them head back inside before I can respond. I try to choke out a "wait", but nothing comes out.
I don't bother going after them. Instead, I let their words echo inside my head. Could they be right? In some ways, my newly devised plan is a bit extreme––but is it as extreme as staying here, waiting to die? No, I know that despite the risks involved, and even any uncertainty, that it's worth the risk. Despite the pain of realizing that I won't be allowed back once I leave, I know I need to. Always do what it takes to survive. I'll at least be taking that rule with me.
I walk up the hill, before kneeling to the ground to see Chuck. I've held off from seeing him for long enough.
"I hope you're not mad," I tell him. "I know there's nothing that can prevent what happened to you, but I want to do what I can to protect everyone else, especially since I couldn't protect you." Sure enough, there's no answer. "I know you didn't want me to feel guilty, that it wasn't my fault. It was all of our faults, but I'm not going to let that guilt consume me anymore. That's why I'm leaving. I just need to make them realize why, and....give them one last chance to come with me." I stand back up. "I would hope that you understand, and.....I think you know that this is goodbye, if you stay. What I'm trying to tell you is this isn't the end––rather, a new beginning. What do you think?" Obviously, I hear no response. But I have a feeling that I know what he'd say.
After a few minutes of reflection, I enter the house once again, knocking on my bedroom door.
"Go away," I hear a sad voice say. It's Will. I knock again, more insistently. I hear him get up frustratedly and walk towards the door with loud footsteps. I brace myself for anger as he swings the door open.
His face is stained with tears. He's not angry. He's sad.
"What do you want?", he asks impatiently.
"To talk to you," I reply, barging past him and closing the door behind us. He sits on our bed.
"Well, I don't want to talk to you. You clearly just want to leave, with no second thought."
"This hasn't been something without a second thought! This has been a decision I've had to think over a hundred times in my head! I've had to weigh every risk, every uncertainty, and realize that I am more likely to survive in the real world, than out here." I take a step closer to Will. "We all are." He doesn't answer. "I told Hayden and Alexa––I have a place I think I can go. I can bring you all with me. We'll be safe! It'll be enough of a start, then we can get set up in the world on our own! We'll never be apart. We'll all get a chance to start fresh in the world, and truly heal from our pasts instead of spending the rest of our lives hiding from it!" Will wipes his cheek, before standing up aggressively.
"No! You don't get it! You might have somewhere, but the rest of us don't. Two of us are criminals! Another one of us can't take one step out of these trees without the whole world knowing who she is!"
"There are ways around those problems, it all depends where we go," I reassure him. "Besides, everyone thinks we're dead, don't they? When I first ran away, I dyed my hair brown! We've been gone for so long, they don't know who to look for!" Will says nothing, pausing.
"Even if all of that is true," he begins slowly, "do you really want to leave our home behind? You've said so yourself––this is the first place that you ever felt like you truly belonged somewhere. The first time you truly felt happy. This was true for all of us. How can you step away from that so easily?"
"It wasn't easy," I tell him, "but I know it's necessary. Besides, we're running out of supplies, so what will you do when they run out? What if I'm not here and someone gets attacked again? What if another one of you gets sick? It's more of a struggle to survive. We're not thriving anymore."
"But Candice, think of our rules! When you're here, you stay here! No one left behind! Put the group first! Always do what it takes to survive!"
"Exactly!", I cut him off. "Always do what it takes to survive! That was the rule you said was the most important of them all, remember?" He doesn't answer. "That's the one I'm going to follow. I am going to do that, because survival won't happen out here. We've lost two people in the span of two months, and before that, we almost died twice! Is that really survival for you?" Will starts tearing up once again.
"Please don't do this," he pleads. "We've made it this far together, we can't fall apart now." In turn, I'm the one choking up.
"We already have," I tell him. "The way we've lived for the past two weeks, the past two weeks alone, proves that. When we lost Evie, we were unified in our loss! We were there to lean on each other! Now? Now we've sunken into our own corners of misery. Physically, we're still together, but we each mourned alone these past two weeks. We barely spoke, or did anything at all. We've been coming apart for a long time now. You know it to be true." Will can't bear to comment back. He sits on the bed once again, hanging his head.
"You promised we'd never be apart," he says. "You promised that no amount of distance, time or even silence would ever keep any of us apart." I sigh, letting more tears fall.
"I made that promise knowing that I'd have to go out in the world. I was reassuring you that everything would be okay, because at the end of the day, I believed it too." I scoff. "I had to go behind your backs to try and save Chuck. That was when I thought things would be okay! That was when I thought we wouldn't lose anyone else! So now, I'm not sticking around to let that happen again. I'm not staying out here to die!" Will looks at me, stunned. These are certainly thoughts that I thought I'd never say out loud. It's liberating, yet terrifying all at once. I've definitely made some irreversible damage with these. Even if I were to stay, they'd be used against me forever.
"Candice, don't do this," he says again. "Don't go. We all love you!" He steps closer to me, grabbing my face gently in his hands. "I love you," he says softly. Will grabbing my face has always been my weak point. I normally love it, but now it's being used against me.
I do love him, I love everyone here. But it's not enough to die for. It's not enough to give up on living for. Hearing him say it feels like being stabbed.
"I love you, Will Harrison, more than anything in this world," I tell him, placing my hands on top of his, "but I fear you will be the death of me."
The look in his eyes changes, as if he's finally understanding the meaning of what I'm saying. An appearance of hurt appears in them, which only saddens me more. He doesn't say anything for a moment, letting the pain wash over him. He tries to speak a few times, but no words come out. I'm waiting, almost breathlessly, for him to respond.
"If you truly loved us," he begins softly, hanging his head, "if you truly loved me, then you'd stay."
"I do! With all my heart, I love you. You're the only ones I've ever cared for this much," I answer, "but I can't love you out here anymore. You won't want to love me in the real world, even as I am offering you to come with me. That's what I'm asking. You all just wouldn't bear to take one step outside these trees."
I turn towards the door. "I'm going back to the fire. If you decide to join me, we'll leave tomorrow." I look back to face Will, approaching him. I grab his face, as he normally does to me, and kiss his forehead. I wipe a few of his tears away while staring at him. "Think about it," I whisper to him, before backing up and drifting my eyes away from his sombre gaze.
As I sit outside in solitude, I look around at the fire. I really am leaving, which is crazy to think about. It feels scary, but necessary. However, I can't help but mourn what this place once was––a place of hope, friendship, love, and most importantly––freedom.
Now, this is no longer a haven of freedom. I've realized, as painful as it is to admit, it's become a descent into madness. And yet, it hasn't even left the walls of a cozy little house in the woods.
Far too often, I've found myself thinking things like "despite this" and "despite that" to tell myself how I am loved out here, and how much they care for me, especially Will. I don't doubt that, but I shouldn't have to include the word "despite". There shouldn't be ifs, ands or buts. Whatever answer they give me will show me what they'll choose––safety or freedom. I know my choice, and it's about time I set foot on my course towards it––freedom.
Checking my watch, it's almost one in the morning. I don't want to sleep––I doubt I'll be able to, or even allowed in my bedroom. I want to simply stay here and enjoy my final hours at home. It'll be tough to turn away from it one last time, there's no denying that.
I hear the front door of the house open, with Will, Alexa and Hayden all emerging from it. They each sit at a stump in silence, almost ignoring me in the process.
"Have you decided anything?", I ask. They're already upset with me, so it's not like there's much I can say now to make things worse.
"Let's just....enjoy the night," says Hayden.
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We stay outside until sunrise, even as the fire is now left to embers and ash. Even through all of our arguments and near-death experiences, I've never felt as much tension out here as I have tonight, sitting in an unbearable silence. I already know the answer––they won't come with me. However, I want to deny it until I am saying goodbye, if they let me.
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I gradually notice that the sky is getting lighter and the sun is about to come up. It brings me uncomfortable flashbacks of sitting on the ground and having Chuck on my legs. The birds are starting to chirp, and the humidity in the air from morning dew is becoming apparent. I find myself standing up, drawn to the sky, and walking towards the cliff.
"Where are you going?", asks Will.
"It's sunrise, isn't it?", I tell them. No further explanation needed.
We all sit and watch the sunrise for the next little while, with nobody saying a word. We're all thinking about a lot, many of the same things, but can't find the words. One thing we can all agree on––this place has changed, and we've gone to almost too many extremities to keep it intact.
There's a part of me that feels like I'm in an illusion right now, with this temporary peace. However, I know this moment of calm isn't the reality out here, that I still need to take the leap and face the world.
Once everyone else starts to leave from the cliff's edge, we all know what's to come. I follow in their footsteps, before heading inside. Only Will stays outside. In my sleep deprived state, it feels like a bad dream, but one I've been trapped in for a while.
I pull my backpack out from my closet, assembling it with all of the few belongings I had once brought with me. A sense of nausea starts to build within me, as well as a desire to toss this backpack back where it was and curl up in bed forever.
I then catch my eye in the mirror. I stop my line of thought, and everything I'm doing, and approach it slowly. It gives me a final reminder of why I'm doing this. My hair is dirty, my clothes are worn out, and I suddenly become aware of how I smell. My acne has returned worse than ever before, flaring up in a manner that embodies my enhanced stress. I have nearly become a wild animal out here. Grabbing my bag in a hurry, I then take a final look at this bedroom. I take it all in for another moment before closing the door gently.
Alexa and Hayden watch me come out of my room.
"What's wrong?", asks Alexa. I don't answer her, but I don't need to, as her face gradually changes. She starts to back up, staring at me sadly.
"Oh my god, you're really leaving, aren't you?", she asks, almost choking up.
"You weren't kidding," says Hayden, in a similar tone. I shake my head, lost for words. This whole process isn't making things any easier. Will makes his way into the house as well. Once again, it doesn't take verbal communication for him to know what's happening.
"This is really it?", he asks.
"It doesn't have to be," I say. "I want you all to come with me. You know I love you, but I have to leave, with or without you." Will nods sadly. "But...." I continue, "I have a pretty good feeling that I know what your answers are," I say sadly. Sure enough, nobody says a word. They all simply hang their heads, afraid to make eye contact with me.
I fight the urge to burst into sobs and lean back into comfort. Instead, I hold back my tears.
"Look, there is one thing I will do for you. It's not even a rule, but I know it'll be important," I say.
"What's that?", asks Will.
"It was something you asked of me long ago," I tell him. "You said that once I choose whether I stay or go, that's it. You either stay with us wherever we are or wherever we go, or you leave and never speak of us again. The world won't know your names, I promise you." Will nods, seeming to remember it. "Last chance," I say naively, even though I know this answer.
I'm only hurting myself more. I need to leave.
"Okay," I start to say, tearing up. "I won't make this harder." I let a few tears fall down my face. "You know I love you all and I'd want you out here with me. I know that can't happen, though. Take care of yourselves." I do my best to hide the pain I'm feeling. I can't look at them anymore. "Goodbye." I turn away and head out the door.
I barely take ten steps before I hear my name being called:
"Candice!" It's Will. I spin around, to see him running towards me. He kisses me, like he's never done before. I linger on with every fibre of my being, until we dreadidly separate. He wraps me in his arms, as I feel him start to silently cry. We linger for a moment, one that feels like forever.
As he finally lets me go, Alexa grabs me almost instantly. She's never done it like this before. I can feel she's mad, but that I've hurt her deeply.
"I'm sorry," I whisper to her.
As soon as she releases me, Hayden does the same. I can feel the scar of his bear attack, another little reminder of what I have to do in the world. I whisper my apologies to him as well.
I take a step back, looking at their weeping faces. None of us say a word, simply crying and staring at each other.
"Alright," cries Will, "you're made your decision. You're not here anymore. Go," he says sadly. I pause for a moment, grabbing my bag. "Go!", he hollers louder. "Get out of here! Go!"
With that, I turn away, having looked at my home, as well as my friends––my family, for the last time. I really am on my own now.