It was Friday. Finally. I got up and had a shower in peace whilst the boys were sleeping, the radio playing softly in the background, so I couldn't really hear it over the sound of water running. I switched the shower off and listened for the boys, nothing, just the radio. I dressed as quietly as possible, not wanting to disturb them and looked at the time.
For once, I woke up early enough to make the twins a proper breakfast.
I peeked in on the boys who were still sleeping for five more minutes at least and crept downstairs not wanting to disturb the silence.
I put some toast in eggs and fried it gently, preparing some fruit. I was looking forward to having the girls over later. I could set up a salon for them and paint their nails and style their hair. All the things I had hoped to do with my own daughter before I had the twins.
I got the kids bags ready and made proper packed lunches rather than the hastily prepared ham sandwiches and fruit I usually packed.
The kids started to stir upstairs and I sat down at the table to enjoy my coffee today rather than just knocking it back like I usually did. If only I could be this organized every day.
I dropped the twins off at school and checked the time. I had some spare time before I was due to leave so I changed into the outfit the boys had picked and did my makeup, trying to remember the last time I had used a mascara stick or lip gloss.
My phone buzzed and I looked at the message from Archer. Good luck.
I laughed. I had two kids and a body that didn't look like it did in my twenties. I would need all the luck I could get.
~*~
Nerves nibbled at my stomach. I messaged Archer.
I'm not doing this.
Yes you are.
I haven't done anything like this in years!
Exactly you deserve this.
I have two kids! I'm past dating age.
Liz, you deserve this. For the past five years, you have put everything and everyone first. It's time to take care of yourself for once.
I smiled at his message.
Codeword if I need an emergency?
Help.
I laughed at the original choice the way he had intended and headed inside the café.
"Lizzie?"
I looked up and smiled at Ben.
"Hi." I said.
He kissed my cheek and gestured to the seat in front of him.
"Please sit down, can I get you a drink?" He asked.
"A decaf coffee please." I said.
He flagged the waitress down and then leaned back to smile at me.
"I'm glad we could find time to do this." He said.
"Me too." I smiled. "I feel like I hardly get time to myself anymore."
"You have twins, right?"
"Yeah. Do you have kids?"
"Two boys and a girl." He smiled. "Though my ex, Olivia, looks after them most of the time."
He pulled out his phone.
"That's Thomas, Harley and Belle." He showed me a picture.
"They're gorgeous. How old?"
"Thomas turns eight next week, Harley's five and Belle's three."
He beamed with pride as he looked at his kids and I couldn't help but smile. There was nothing more beautiful than a man who openly adored his kids.
"Do you get on with your ex?"
"Most of the time." He smiled. "She's still the person I call first about anything."
I smiled. I fully believed having a good relationship with your ex should be normalised. Particularly if you had kids.
"So what do you do when she has the kids?" I asked.
"I'm a personal trainer. I work with individuals to build exercise and weight loss plans." He explained.
I nodded.
"What about you? Do you work?" He asked.
"I'm a children's illustrator. It fits in around the kid's school and daily errands."
"Illustrator? Like for books?" He queried.
"For lots of things. I'm freelance so I take all kinds of projects. I've done a few of my own things alongside. I've designed a comic for my boys and made each of them their own superhero."
He smiled.
"This is nice." He said.
"Yeah. And only slightly awkward."
He chuckled.
We continued to make polite conversation and I watched him. This was nice. He was nice. But something seemed missing. There was no spark. No excitement. No rush like I had when I started dating Josh.
Maybe it was because I was older or because I had two kids and no longer had that desire for a family that had driven my dating needs when I was younger, but I didn't feel anything.
It was a nice time with a nice man, and I felt nothing. Maybe I was chasing the wrong thing? Maybe I was looking for the same thing I felt when I was dating in my twenties, but I wasn't the same person back then.
I looked at him, hoping to feel a spark or something. But nothing came. I had more chemistry with the twins' teacher than I did with him.
"Are you ok?" Ben asked.
"Do you think we could get out of here and go for a walk or something?" I asked. "This place is filling up."
"Of course." He said.
He held the door open and I led him out of the café. We walked side by side and I tried to search deep inside for something. A spark. Even a conversation starter would be a good place to begin.
"So where did you grow up?" I asked, eventually.
"Cornwall." He replied. "Mum moved down there after she divorced my dad when she got pregnant."
"She raised you alone?"
"Yeah, for a while. There were boyfriends on and off for a few years and then she met my stepdad Steve when I was six."
"Do you have much contact with your dad?"
"No. Last I heard he was raising a family in Finland, he got married again and had a couple of kids. He paid child support for a while when I was growing up, but I never saw him or my siblings." He said. "But Steve was great. He eventually adopted me and raised me as his own."
"Do you have any other siblings?"
He nodded.
"A brother and sister. My sister, Helen, was older than me and went to university when I was ten, but my stepbrother, Eric, grew up with me. We were the same age and did everything together." He said. "How about you?"
I shook my head. "My parents only wanted one child but I had cousins the same age that I grew up with. Most of my cousins had siblings and I used to ask my mum why I didn't have any."
"What did she say?"
"She said she had everything she could ever need with me and didn't need another child. She liked that she had that quality time with me." I shrugged. "Since I had twins I never experienced that."
The conversation fizzled away again and I searched desperately for something to say.
Ben looked as uncomfortable as I felt and I sighed, ready to call it quits. I checked the time, it was nearly time to pick up the kids, thank heavens.
"Ben, I'm so sorry, I need to get to school to pick up the twins." I told him. "Thank you for a lovely afternoon."
"You too." He said. "Do you think you'll want to do this again, or...?"
I sighed.
"I don't think so." I said, honestly. "You're a lovely man and some woman is going to be a very lucky girl one day, but it's not me. I'm sorry."
He nodded. "Thank you."
"What for?"
"For being honest." He said. "Lots of women pretend it's working out and then a few months down the line change their minds and leave a mess behind."
I thought of Archer and his dating life.
"I know." I said. "I am sorry."
"That's alright." He said, leaning in to kiss my cheek. "I hope you find what you're looking for."
"You too, Ben." I said. "Just be patient, the right person will come along soon. They're just a little ways down the path yet."
He waved goodbye and I headed towards my car. Wondering when the right person would walk into my life.
I got in the car and started it.
"Oh sugar." I said, looking at the low gas signal.
Starting the car, I did some mental calculations as to whether or not I could make it to the nearest petrol station in time.
"Come on you can do it." I murmured.
~*~
The smell of petrol made me sick. Maybe I should get an electric car so I didn't have this problem. When I was married to Josh, he handled the car, keeping it clean and up to date. Now I was doing it myself, it was harder and definitely less fun than he had made it seem.
I paid the sleepy retailer and picked up a packet of cigarettes. I hadn't smoked in years, not since I got pregnant with the twins. Josh had made me promise to quit.
Putting them down again, I turned to leave.
"Sorry." I said, stepping to the side so the person in front could get by me.
"Lizzie?"
I looked up at the man in front of me. Searching for his name.
"Charlie?" I said, hesitantly.
"Yeah."
"Are you stalking me?" I asked, my eyes narrowing.
He laughed. "Of course not."
"Ok."
"Why would you think that?" He asked.
"It's happened before." I admitted.
"Oh, I'm sorry." He said. "I'm just picking up some things for my daughter. Thanks again for helping me."
I nodded. "Not a problem. I'm guessing you're a single parent?"
"Yes." He didn't expand. "You?"
"Co-parenting." I said.
"You're raising twins by yourself?" He asked.
"During the week, yes." I agreed.
He hesitated. "I may be on the double here, but would you like to get a drink sometime?"
I considered. Why not?
He could be a serial killer. The pessimistic voice in my head piped up.
Don't be ridiculous.
"Sure. I'm free on the weekends when the boys are with their dad." I said.
"Are you free this weekend?" He asked.
I considered.
"I'll be free tomorrow evening or Sunday morning." I said.
He smiled, but I swear I saw a sadness in his eyes and I wanted to reach towards him and tell him it was ok to cry the way I did when my boys were feeling upset.
"May I take you out for a drink tomorrow?" He asked.
I smiled at his shy offer.
"I'd love that, Charlie."
He smiled and handed me his card.
I watched his anxious movements, it was obvious he wasn't used to this.
"Thank you." I said. "See you soon."
"See you."
I got back into the car and smiled at his shy manner.
I headed to my boys, and wondered what he was hiding. Unable to stop smiling.