I woke around eight and flicked on the TV by force of habit.
They were talking about me. An anchor at the news desk was interviewing a reporter—a woman whose face looked familiar. It was Carrie—the woman who came to my work.
"Would you say Oliver was being evasive in his answers to your line to questioning?"
"He was squirming--definitely uncomfortable."
Yeah, I was reluctant to be cast as a hero, not because I was hiding anything. OK, maybe I was hiding a few things, but they were twisting and distorting the truth to make it look even worse, speculating about things that were dead wrong. I shut it off.
I casually walked out the door. The crowd around me sprang to life. Reporters pressed in and unleashed a barrage of pointed questions. Someone shoved a microphone right into my face three inches from my nose.
"Did you kill Sophia Calabrese?"
They were trying to provoke me. They wanted to upset me. If I unleashed a fiery rebuttal, it would be great TV. And it would make me look guilty. Ironically, the more passionately I denied it, the more people would think I did it. As Simon and Garfunkel sang, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest. They weren't interested in facts. All they wanted was a scandalous story.
I ignored them and pushed my way through the crowd to my truck. I got in and started up the engine. I moved slowly to give the crowd time to clear a path. I pulled onto the street and a dozen news vans followed me slowly to the hospital.
I went up to Alix's room and closed the door behind me. Thankfully, the hospital staff stopped the swarm of reporters at the lobby.
"I'm here, I promised I'd come visit."
"Thanks."
We made small talk for a few minutes. We talked about the weather and hospital food and other mundane stuff. After ten minutes I was anxious to leave. I sheepishly tried to part ways.
"Well, I guess this is where we say goodbye. I hope your recovery goes well and you're back on your feet again soon."
I was getting ready to walk out and planned to never see her again.
"Can you stay a little longer?"
"I really should get going."
"Don't go. At least not back to that mountain."
She saw right through me. How did she know?
My face twitched as I lied.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You saved me, but I think I may have saved you too."
I don't know how she knew, but she knew. She saw right through me.
I broke down and shared the truth with Alix. The entire story. Then I said goodbye.
"You can't go."
"I can't ever show my face in public ever again. I'm getting death threats."
"You can't let them win."
"It's too late, it's over. My life is ruined."
"Don't go back to that mountain."
"I never said I was."
"I get the feeling you're still planning on going up there."
"OK, I admit it. I am going back. I have to finish it."
Her voice trembled and came out barely above a faint, but piercing whisper.
"Please don't. You have nothing to hide. You're an incredible guy. You can't let them tear you down like that."
"What am I supposed to do? The truth is out there now. I can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. It's over for me."
"That's not the truth. It's the sick distorted version of the story they want to believe because people love a good scandal. They love a fiery plane crash with lots of death and destruction. But it's not you. It's not the truth. You need to go to New York and go on TV and tell your story. You need to get in front of it and tell them exactly what actually happened. You've got nothing to hide. You're human, there's nothing to be ashamed of. You've got me on your side. I'll back you up. You're not a villain. Maybe you're not the hero they originally wanted to believe in, but you'll always be a hero to me. I don't care why you were there. That's irrelevant. You saved me. That's all that matters. I literally wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for you. I'm eternally grateful. You saved me. You need to go to New York, tell the world the truth. You need to pick up your guitar and play again."
"No. No."
I shook my head firmly.
"I can't do that."
"Oliver, I know it's painful. But you have to pick up the pieces and go on with your life. You're such a great guy. You have to stop punishing yourself. What happened wasn't your fault. It was a horrible thing. But you didn't do anything wrong. You're a really, really good guy. You deserve to be happy."
"I wish that were true."
"It is true. Come here."
I approached the bed. She leaned forward and hugged me. It was clearly painful for her to move. Even speaking was labored with her collapsed lung and broken ribs.
"OK, fine I'll go to New York."
"Will you bring your guitar?"
"Yes, for you, I'll play the guitar again."
"I'll be right here watching the entire thing, rooting for you."
"Thanks."
A nurse came in and said Alix needed to get some rest. She changed out the IV bag.
Alix looked at me with sad mournful, compassionate eyes.
"I can feel my pain meds starting to kick in. They're making me really sleepy. I wish I could hug you, but will you just lay by me until I fall asleep?"
"Sure."
I climbed onto her bed, and she rolled over and nestled up against me. A couple minutes later she was fast asleep. I climbed down off the bed and gently tucked the covers up to her chin and then slipped out of the room.
Against my better judgement, I called back, Good Morning America, and asked if they still wanted an interview. They most definitely did.
"Tell me when and I'll be there."
"Can you make a flight tonight and we'll do the interview live tomorrow morning?"
"Yeah, I can do that."
"Great, we'll pay for your ticket and put you up in a hotel."
I was incredibly nervous. I called Mike at Probability Records and asked if I could borrow the blue Fender Stratocaster and gear, I'd used at the first Gravity Source show in Georgia.
"Hell yeah, man. I've been watching you on TV and I'm really sorry about all the shit they're putting you through."
"Is there any way you could bring it to the GMA studios. I'm going there tomorrow morning."
"You're playing a set on Good Morning America?"
"I'm going to play one song."
"I'll bring the gear personally. I want to see this."
I had to warn him.
"If you go, they might put you on the spot and ask a bunch of questions about me."
"Don't worry, I'll tell them they've got it all wrong. You're a great kid. I feel badly about how everything ended up between us with Gravity Source and Sweet Poison and everything."
"Thanks Mike."
I made the flight and surprisingly I wasn't nervous anymore. I guess I figured if it went badly, I could still end it all. This time I'd get my hands on a bunch of fentanyl, take it to Avalon, and I'd die the same way and in same place Soph had.
As I showed up on the set of GMA, people welcomed me, but in a hesitant, withdrawn manner, unsure whether they hated me or not. I sat down on a sofa for the interview and answered all their questions candidly and honestly. I explained why I'd initially turned down their request for an interview—that it was painful for me to return to New York because it reminded me of Soph. Not because I was hiding or guilty. They covered everything about me and Soph going all the way back to the first time I'd met her. We talked for probably a half hour.
"I understand you want to play a song on the guitar."
"Yes, I wrote this song for her. I was always deeply in love with her."
I played, Elysium.
I saw you in the distance, sitting all alone
on a grassy hilltop, for reasons quite unknown
Tears rolled down your rosy cheeks, it must've been a bad day
I approached sincerely wondering if there was anything I could say
I picked at my guitar to ease away your pain
When a cloudburst butted in, then we were running in the rain
you smiled and screamed in thrilled delight
as we sheltered from the darkest night
I felt from deep within me things would never be the same
Even from that very first day.
My unsuspecting heart you stole away.
It really didn't take that much,
a dimpled smile, gentle touch
Chorus
Once upon a time,
there was a fairy tale world,
Where all your dreams come true.
And I was there with you.
Once upon a time,
on an island in a bay
That held a secret garden, you listened to me play
We escaped the world together, if only for the day
I was living in a dreadful place
Drifting lost in time and space
Now when storms rage against my door
I don't mind it anymore.
Picturing your face.
We discovered an enchanted place wandering through the woods
a peaceful, lost innocence as pure as childhood
a log bridged a treacherous void across a swampy sea
through a jungle of cattails so thick you could barely see
the vines and bushy shrubs were wildly overgrown
There we staked our claim, it was ours and ours alone
veiled from the outside world, in a ring of ancient trees
for a fleeting moment, it was only you and me
We met there many times to escape and to be free
I blinked and once again my entire world was lost
it was painfully unbearable, knowing what it cost
It was all in my imagination, I couldn't make it real
I couldn't melt your frozen heart, your love I failed to steal.
In desperation I tried to grasp ahold of it. I regret it even to this day
As I hopelessly clutched and clawed for it, it forever slipped away
When I finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the studio. Everyone was wiping their eyes on their sleeves. I exhaled. I'd done it. I'd gotten ahead of the gossip and gotten the real story out ahead of the lies and it was actually a relief to have it off my chest.
The following days were a blur. Most people believed me, and it was odd, I was suddenly back to being a hero again. I had a ton of requests for interviews, so to handle all the attention, I got an agent. I travelled to Los Angeles and did the late-night talk shows and signed a book deal as well as a solo music recording contract.
It was surreal. An absolute roller coaster ride. Life in America can be ridiculous. I didn't get it how quickly the public had turned on me, then how quickly I won them back. People love to speculate. They messy dramas and probably watch way too much TV and social media. It's all so fake and phony and at its worst, it destroys lives.
I went back to the hospital in Denver and regularly visited Alix. She'd saved me every bit as much as I'd saved her. I spent hours by her side talking about my ridiculous life and even played her a few songs on the guitar. She loved listening to me, and I was glad to be able to put a smile on her face.
My agent negotiated two million dollars for my book deal and another two million for the movie rights. I would have gladly accepted a hundred thousand for all of it.
I felt guilty making money off of Sophia's death. But I hadn't orchestrated it that way. I'd have gladly traded all the money and everything in the world just to have her back, but it wasn't meant to be. I truly believe she would've supported me in what I was doing. Although the circumstances surrounding it were crappy, I had a platform.
My agent explained how hard that is to acquire. There are so many people out there desperately vying for attention, it's harder than it's ever been to rise above the commotion and get noticed. From the bad events, I could turn it around and use that platform for good. I was finally in a position to make a difference and do something to make the world a better place.
I asked my agent to set up a benefit concert to provide aid for adoption agencies around the world. I'd start there and then move on to hunger and poverty and clean water in Africa. I'd fight for equality and fairness and whatever else I felt needed my help.
As soon as we announced the show, dozens of bands signed up. All the who's who of the music world wanted to be part of it. We ended up turning it into a three-day music festival and raised over ten million dollars. I personally went back to the orphanage in Bangkok with an entourage of reporters and introduced the world to a bunch of real heroes--the unsung workers and volunteers at the orphanage.
I held several of the innocent children showing the world how cute they were. I made sure the reporters gave out information to get in touch with adoption agencies for anyone who had a little extra place in their hearts and homes for one of these kids.
It worked. Demand began to rise. I felt so good inside knowing what a difference it would make in the lives of those children. Imagine the impact it would have on a life, going from unwanted, unloved to cherished, nurtured and given a chance.
I suppose you could even say I found the elusive happiness I'd been searching my entire life for. I shuddered to think I came so close to ending it all. No matter how bad things get in life, there's always hope. There's love out there. If you're lost and can't find it, reach out to others and give it. Forget about yourself for a minute and do something to heal someone else and ironically, in the process you might find a little healing yourself.
If you're not happy with your life, please don't give up. Don't listen to the naysayers constantly ridiculing and tearing you down. Don't give up. Don't let them win. You might have to flip the script and start over. Try a new career. Hang out with different people. You might even have to move to someplace new. Sometimes change is good. Especially if you're stuck in a toxic situation. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. It might not seem like it, but there are plenty of people out there who love you unconditionally and will gladly lend a helping hand.
Every human being is a living miracle. We're amazing individuals with a unique story. Don't feel alone. We all struggle and carry around painful baggage we're ashamed of and hide from the world. You're not alone. You're not as different as you think. You're an awesome person.
If there were a way to do it, I'd hug every living person on the planet carrying heavy burdens and enduring silent pain or even simply having a bad day. Since I can't do that, I've written this book instead. I hope by sharing my journey, I can inspire you to discover your true self and find your meaning.
We collectively live in a world of our making. If we as a human race want to shape it to create a beautifully landscaped paradise with stunning architecture and clean, safe, organized, smoothly flowing streets, we can. We can mold it whatever we what. The sky's the limit. We're capable of amazing things, beautiful art and nature. We can all live sustainably in the world in peace and harmony.
Let's tone down the animosity and live in unity, recognizing the good in one another. We all have value. We all have a gift to share. We're all brothers and sisters. We belong together. Join with me, let's make it a better, more inclusive world.