These past three days have been some of the longest of my life, where the duration between day and night is blurred. In the time that has passed since Evie fell under the ice, none of us have been the same. While the murder scarred us, this is leaving a much bigger hole in our beings.
We've mostly each stayed in bed, despite hardly getting any sleep. While the crying all around is beginning to subside, the sounds of it linger as shadows, presences, throughout the house. Hayden's barely come out of his room since it happened, while the rest of us are generally silent. Any arguments from just days ago are a thing of the past, but truly went on for too long.
The best that I can do is to try and distract my mind, with old memories. While some bring me pain, it feels like nothing compared to what the emotions of reality bring instead. I'm finding that more than ever, my mind takes me back to memories of the hospital visits with Aunt Jessica. At times, I can almost smell the latex gloves that I'd play with, hear the flickering lights or even taste the red licorice from her snack drawer.
It's strange to me how they seem to be happy memories. What confuses me even more is how I'm using memories of my past to cope with my present. It used to be the other way around.
I can't help but feel that I'm being called to something. I wasn't able to save Evie. In a way, I feel exactly like Alexa––responsible. Responsible for her death. I carry that burden, feeling as though I could've made the difference between life and death for Evie if I had more training, if I had the skills of a real doctor. This guilt has been nagging at me more and more as time goes on.
Out here, it's nothing but a pretend role. Despite having saved Hayden, I'm not a real doctor. I'd be lying, though, if I said that I had never wanted that life, even while out here. The worst part is, I can't say a word. I can't tell anyone how I feel, because they won't understand. If anything, it would start the arguments all over again. And I know that none of us can handle that right now.
There's another aspect of guilt that's come into my mind. In a way, I feel like I should've said something about how frustrated Evie was with all of our fighting. Was there maybe something that could've been different, if I had told everyone? Would the fighting have stopped, and this whole thing wouldn't have happened?
Would Evie still be here?
As I lie in bed this morning, reflecting on everything, I hear Will come in through the door.
"How are you?", he asks.
"Fine," I lie. "How are you?"
"Better," he replies. He sits on the bed and looks at me. "What's wrong?", he asks.
"Oh nothing, just....all of this," I reply. "I..." I pause, beginning to think. There is one thought that I can clear my conscience. "I don't know," I start to say.
"What is it?", he asks. I look up at him.
"If I tell you, I don't want you to be mad at me. Because I really can't handle that right now." I can feel my eyes welling up. Will appears blurry in front of me. "I don't want you to freak out, I just need you to hold me and tell me that it wasn't my fault."
"Candice, what's wrong? What are you talking about?", he asks worriedly. Sure enough, I start to cry.
"Evie would...often tell me about how sick she was of the fighting. She did so for weeks. She felt she could trust me because we were on the same side of the argument. It really bothered her." I pause to gasp for air. "I wanted her to trust me. But I should've said something, and it's my fault, and-" Will immediately wraps his arms around me.
"No, no, no, Candice. It is not your fault, at all! We all feel a sense of guilt, but there's nothing you could've done. You were protecting her secret, being a good friend! She had every right to be frustrated and share that with you." I let out a few more tears, before collecting myself. "Why would you think I would freak out at that?"
"I don't know, maybe in case it would've made a difference. I didn't want to have any fights again."
"I'm sorry you thought that," he responds immediately. "You also shouldn't have to be everyone's therapist all the time." I look up at him, almost with relief, with a feeling of recognition. "I know you do that for everyone around here. It's not fair for you to carry so many other peoples' burdens, along with your own." I purse my lips and nod, before leaning on him. "You shouldn't have to feel that."
"I guess I felt that sort of thing with my parents," I say, realizing that this is the first time I've said that out loud.
"I know," he replies. "I used to feel that with my brother." For a moment, we simply sit in silence.
"Thank you," I mutter. A few seconds later, Alexa comes into our room.
"Guys, we have a problem!" she exclaims. "Hayden's gone!" Will jerks up.
"What?", he asks.
"Chuck noticed he was gone when he woke up. He's nowhere around here." Will and I quickly get up and leave the room, as I put on a sweater. Chuck is standing in the kitchen.
"There's only one place he'd be," he says. It doesn't take long for it to click in our brains.
"The river..." I say. "Well, we have no time to waste. We gotta find him!" Without another moment to spare, we quickly head off, towards the river.
We eventually find our way to the riverside. It feels unsettling to be back here again. Sure enough, Hayden is standing by the edge. As we approach, we start to hear the sound of his voice. It sounds like he's talking to someone. Once again, it doesn't take us long to connect the dots on who that someone is.
"Nothing's the same anymore," he says. "I just don't know how this happened to you. You were there one minute and then......" He sighs, hanging his head down in despair. "I don't know if you can hear me or not, but I hope you can. I just really miss you, and I'm sorry." I look behind me at the others, who all have empty looks on their faces. Hayden's tone of voice is unsettlingly calm. He's talking to Evie, but how is he so composed? There is sadness in his voice, but it is stable. How long has he been here? Suddenly, Alexa passes me.
"Hayden? Where have you been?", she asks. Hayden turns around suddenly, looking tired and startled. "What are you doing here?" She approaches him, looking up at him.
"Nothing," he says. "I just.......came here for fresh air." Nobody says anything. We all simply look around, not knowing what to say, even though we know why he's here. Alexa sighs.
"No you didn't," she tells him. "I just wish you had told us before you left. We all thought something happened to you."
"It doesn't matter, anyway," replies Hayden. "Hell, none of the things we used to care about actually matter."
"What do you mean?", asks Will.
"Well," begins Hayden, "think about all of those arguments that we used to have. Should we stay or should we go? That was the main question behind it all. A question that never even ended up being resolved, remember?"
"Yeah, I know," replies Chuck. "But we can't spend time dwelling on it anymore. Otherwise, it will consume us for the rest of our lives."
"I know. It's just crazy to think of when that was our biggest problem." The rest of us look at each other.
"Hayden, we were avoiding being caught with murder! It's not like the stakes weren't high!", exclaims Alexa. Will tenses up at the sound of it. Hayden turns around in anger.
"Fine! Let's ignore the fact that one of us just died, Alexa!" With that, Hayden storms off. The slight limp in his walk becomes more apparent. The limp from his bear wounds. Except now, this wound must hurt far more.
"What was that?", asks Alexa, concerned.
"I don't know," replies Chuck. Will shakes his head and sighs.
"It's a part of grief, at least from my experience," says Will. Everyone looks his way. "When you lose someone important to you, it's lonely. Hayden's been hit the hardest, there's no denying that. Plus, I doubt he's slept or eaten much, so his mind must be all over the place. The same thing happened to my brother right after my parents died."
"We need to let him cool off," I say. "The last thing we need is to start another argument. He's right about one thing: while our stakes may have been high, the arguing was pointless. Up until then, we would always work together on things. Remember when we saved Hayden after the bear attack? How about when Alexa went missing?" I pause, letting them think about what I'm saying. "This is our chance to work together on something. It's what Evie would want, isn't it?" Although some time has passed since Evie fell under the ice, saying her name, just like hearing it, remains painful as always. Alexa sighs.
"You're right," she mutters. "What do we do?" We look behind us, in the direction where Hayden recently stormed off.
"How can we bring him back?", asks Chuck.
"It's been three days! We all need to relax!", says Will. "We can't impose anything on Hayden. Let him cope how he wants!"
"His pride gets in the way, even now. He doesn't like anyone to see him hurt," I mention.
"Well.....there was one person where he didn't mind," says Chuck sombrely.
"I know! That doesn't help us," exclaims Alexa.
"We just need to go home and let him open up to us gradually. Trust me, he will," I say. Everyone nods and within a few minutes, we head back home.
Upon coming back inside, we notice that there's chairs topples on the floor, along with couch cushions tossed on the floor. The table has been swept clean. The house is a mess, from an enraged destruction. Hayden's lost it.
"So this is how we're letting him cope how he wants?", asks Alexa. Everyone looks at her, scowling.
"Seriously, Alexa?", hisses Will. He rolls his eyes and walks off. "You're unbelievable."
For once, Alexa seems sad, almost regretting one of her snarky comments. She slumps on the couch while Chuck and I pick up chairs.
"What is wrong with me? I can't stop myself," she says.
"What do you mean?", asks Chuck.
"Even in the worst situations, I end up making some comment that makes everything worse. It was honestly a coping mechanism I developed as a child. But now....it's ingrained inside me." I suppose Chuck was right––our pasts are never truly gone from us. I guess that it's a bigger part of me than I'd like to admit. "I should apologize," she sighs.
"Maybe wait a bit," I tell her.
For the whole night, Hayden doesn't come out of his room. While we all try and knock, each time we hear a quiet "go away" in response. At least he's calmed down a bit.
|||
Even by morning, Hayden hasn't come out of his room. Chuck ended up sleeping on the couch. Concerningly, the couch has been used more and more. The white noise throughout the house is gradually broken by the sound of quiet, yet pronounced cries from Hayden. Suddenly, I hear a knock on the door.
I'm sitting on my bed, examining my first aid kit, waiting for Will to come back from his walk––or whatever he does in the mornings. I can only bring it out in solitude, in times like these.
"Candice?" It's Alexa.
"Yeah, come in," I tell her, sitting up. She enters the room, carrying a hairbrush in her hand. She looks more tired than usual. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," she responds quickly, brushing it off. "Here, let me do your hair." I move to the edge of the bed as Alexa climbs and sits on her knees, grabbing my hair.
"Is everything alright? You only do my hair when you're upset, or trying to distract yourself. Is this after yesterday?" Alexa sighs.
"Maybe I do need a bit of a distraction," she tells me, as I feel the coarse, mangled bristles of the hairbrush being pushed through my hair. Admittedly, it feels nice, almost pampering. Once she finishes, she grabs my hair into small pieces and begins braiding it.
"I hope Hayden comes out of his room soon. He's not going to feel any better being cooped up in there," I say. Alexa remains quiet, confusing me.
"I miss doing hair," she says randomly, after a minute of silence. "It's been a while. Evie would let me do hers all the time. I loved putting her hair through braids.....or giving her those cute twists." Alexa starts to grow quieter as she speaks. "I guess she was right though. I think subconsciously, we all babied her a little bit. She definitely didn't deserve it. There were many times where she was the strongest and most level-headed out of all of us."
"I know," I reply sombrely. "She deserved better."
I notice that Alexa's fingers have stopped moving through my hair. She's gotten even more quiet now, almost silent. After a moment, I slowly turn my head to look at Alexa. She's tearing up, with her eyes squinted and her lip quivering. After a second, she releases a loud sob. I pull her into a hug without another word.
"I'm sorry," she whispers, through gasped breaths. "I know I've been a mess over these past few days."
"Don't be," I tell her. I then realize where she needs to be. I let go of Alexa and grab her hands, pulling her up on her feet with me. "Come on."
"Where are we going?", she sniffles. I don't answer her, as I walk her down the hall to Hayden's room. For the first time in days, without knocking, I enter Hayden's room. He's on the floor, his head hung low.
"Candice?", he asks, stunned. "What's wrong-"
"Here," I tell him, dragging Alexa's wrist and releasing her into the room, almost as if I'm giving her to him. "There's no use in us suffering in silence, especially alone." With some effort, I bring Hayden onto his bed and stand Alexa next to him. Neither of them say anything for a moment. A minute goes by, and it becomes almost uncomfortable for me to simply stand here. Hayden stands up, then wraps his arms around Alexa.
"I'm sorry," he says. Alexa returns the gesture. "I miss her so much."
"Me too," she replies.
Will and Chuck appear in the doorway, looking in as to what's going on. Hayden opens one of his arms for me, as I join in the hug. Will and Chuck join too, with Will towering over me. With all of our arms intertwined, I can begin to hear muffled sniffles, including my own.
There's a part of me that wants to hold onto them forever, just like Evie. However, I eventually feel the arms around me begin to lower, causing my head to hang. Luckily, I still feel one arm left around my shoulder. I look up to see Will wrapped around me. I hug him back as he rests his chin gently on my head.
If there's anything positive to come from this experience, it's the fact that it's brought the rest of us together. Our priorities have had a reset, and I would think that everyone's perspective, especially on what's most important out here, would be heavily shifted.
This is exactly what Evie would've wanted. It breaks my heart to think that she can't experience the life that she always wanted. The one with peace and quiet, not to mention complete unity once again. I still feel as though I let her down, medically speaking. However, I can use that as a channel, a promise to her and to myself––I will never let this happen again.
I won't lose anyone else. I won't fail again. I will do whatever it takes to keep everyone else alive, if I have any control over it. After all, it's our most important rule––always do what it takes to survive.