"I order room service for one, champagne mini bar bottles are done. I've got a balcony room with a view. Velvet curtains are closed, I'm singing sad songs in a hotel room."
HARRY'S POV:
I'm playing the Forum night two tonight. It's the last night of tour. I feel sick to my stomach in guilt.
This was the show Naomi was most looking forward to playing. I took that opportunity away from her.
I did it for her though, I can promise that. Everything I said the night we broke up was disgusting and completely untrue.
I know that it was the right decision to end things, and it will help her in the long run. It'll all be okay.
We'll be alright.
We have to be.
But right now everything feels wrong.
The past year without her has been one of the worst years of my life.
Mitch is still pissed about what I did. Since he's still friends with her, I always try to ask him how she's doing. Most of the time he tells me I don't get to know. Sometimes if he can tell that I'm really down, he'll say she's doing fine.
The only friend of Naomi's I still talk to is Dani, and it's only because we knew each other before Naomi. She won't tell me much about Naomi though either except that she's doing well.
Oddly enough I miss her friends too. Whenever we would all hang out, it felt like I was in Cherry's own little world.
Anyway, I want to ask Mitch about her music, but I know I have no right to know.
I want to reach out to her more than anything, but I shouldn't. And she wouldn't want me to.
And that kills me.
She loved me, and now she probably couldn't stand to be in the same room as me.
And it's completely my fault.
But like I said, this will be for the best in the long run.
And that thought is the only thing that is helping push through this stage in my life.
One day she'll know the complete truth, she'll be deep in a music career, and we'll be together again.
Because it's us. We can get through anything.
I keep trying to explain this to Mitch but he always says I'm delusional and that I need to accept how bad I fucked up. Then I usually tell him how it was the only way. Then he usually goes on to tell me how there is always another way.
The thought of that keeps me up at night. But I'm really not sure that there was, knowing her.
She's so dedicated and loyal to the people she loves. She really didn't want to leave me or this tour. But she couldn't throw away a future that she's been dreaming about since she was a little girl. She couldn't. And I definitely couldn't be the reason.
I had to break up with her.
But she knew how much I love her, so she didn't believe me.
So I had to make up reasons.
Telling her I didn't love her, pained me. Telling her I didn't want her on tour with me, made me feel like the scum of the earth. And telling her I cheated on her was the worst thing I've ever done.
None of the words were true, but I still said them and hurt her.
I hurt her so much.
As soon as I stepped foot outside of that restaurant, I got in my car and broke down. I cried so hard I couldn't see.
She said I hurt her more than Nate, and I know what that asshole did.
And she said I was worse.
I've never felt so guilty in my life.
"We have to be on stage in five minutes," Mitch says peeking in the door to my dressing room.
He has a blank look on his face, and I can't read him. But most of the time he's annoyed with me, so odds are that he is right now.
"Okay, I'll be right out."
I comb my hands through my hair and adjust the rings on my fingers.
I find my gaze lingering unhealthily on two rings specifically. The ones with my initials.
The ones she gave me.
I smile at them as I think of her, but then my smile fades.
"I miss her too, but we have to perform." Mitch says still standing in the doorway.
I didn't realize he is still standing here. I nod and walk out with him.
Once the show starts I find joy in the crowd's excitement. I do my best to give them my all as I sing "Only Angel". It isn't until I'm around halfway through the set that I start getting emotional.
"Sweet creature, we're running through the garden oh where nothing bothered us. But we're still young I always think about you and how we don't speak enough."
As I sing the line, I try to push Cherry out of my thoughts. But every lyric in this song is about her, and it makes it so much harder to sing. The next songs are "Meet Me In The Hallway" and "If I Could Fly", so it's not like those will be any easier.
When I finally get to "Kiwi" I focus on remembering the good times and have fun. It is the last show, after all, it's still an incredible moment even if my personal life is shit. I end up getting so caught up in the moment that I have the band play the song two more times.
The crowd was giving me such good energy, I didn't want the moment to end. Playing these shows are my only source of happiness. After tonight, I'll have nothing.
As the band and I take our final bows, I'm still not ready for this to be over but I know it has to be.
I wave goodbye as I exit the stage and I can already feel the after-show blues coming on.
Before I leave I tell everyone in the band how great they did and how thankful I am for making these past shows amazing. I also thank everyone on my team. Sarah asks if I would like to go out for celebratory drinks with everyone.
"I can't tonight-"
"Harry we both know you're not busy." She says carefully not wanting to hurt my feelings.
Sarah is not pleased with what I did, but she still shows sympathy towards me. We've had a lot of conversations over the past months. She's been a great friend.
"I know, but it just feels wrong to go out and celebrate." I say truthfully.
She then went on for about ten more minutes trying to convince me, but I still had to tell her no. She understood, and they left.
I head back to my hotel. Usually, since we're in L.A. I would go back to my house in Malibu. But after Naomi moved, I haven't wanted to be there. It's too hard. She's no where in that house, but her memory is everywhere in that house.
I can't find it in myself to sell the place though.
I don't know where I'm going to stay now that the tour is over. I've been living hotel room to hotel room for a year. I'll probably make my New York apartment my main residence I guess.
When I enter my room I immediately head for the minibar and grab a drink. I don't even know what I grab, it doesn't matter. I just need something. Then I head out to the balcony to light a joint. I'm pathetic, aren't I?
As I try to light it, my lighter isn't working. Frustrated, I head back inside and grab a match from the minibar, light it then head back out.
I stare down over L.A. as I take in the puffs of smoke.
She is somewhere out there, doing something. But I have no idea where, or what.
It's been a year of not knowing what she's doing or how she's doing.
I'm done. I can't take it.
I pull out my phone and decide I'm going to look at her Instagram.
I'm almost never on my social media, Jeffery usually just tells me what I need to know so I don't have to go on the internet. And I especially haven't been online since the breakup. But I decide what the hell.
It takes me a few tries but I eventually remember my login password. Then I search her username.
It doesn't come up.
I'm never on here, so I guess I could be wrong about what her username is. So, I search her name instead. Still nothing.
I have a hunch as to what is happening, so I sign out of my account then search for her again.
And there she is.
She had blocked me.
I can only look at a few posts since I'm signed out, but that's okay I'll take it.
The first thing I notice when I look at her profile now is a blue check mark by her name that wasn't there before.
Then I look at the latest photo she posted.
It's a carousel with two photos.
Then I read the caption.
"In the studio working on the new album for you guys =)"
She got the deal.
She's making an album.
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
I look at a few more photos. Some of just her and some of her with Cianni amd Dani. Then Instagram kicks me off since I'm not signed in.
I know that I shouldn't be looking anyway, she blocked me for a reason.
But I can't help myself as I type her name in on the google search bar. To my surprise, there are a lot of articles about her. What has been going on?
I shouldn't be looking in tabloids about my ex-girlfriend, but I'm desperate to know what's been happening. And since Mitch won't tell me...
I click.
The first article I read is talking about the two songs she's put out.
What the fuck?
She's already put out music?
Holy shit.
How could Mitch hide that from me? It's too big of a deal.
I scroll hastily to find out what the songs are called.
One is called "Fun While It Lasted" and the other is called "Right Where You Left Me".
The writer of the article absolutely praises her songwriting, which doesn't come as a shock to me. Before I listen to them I decide I want to read one more article.
The second latest one is from TMZ.
She was papped coming out of a restaurant.
With a guy.
In the article, it talks about how these two have been seen together multiple times for the past two months. Then it shows a picture of them kissing.
I turn my phone off and throw it onto the ground.
The plan was to let her go, let her pursue music. And after she was steady in her career, I would tell her everything and it would be okay.
I'm realizing now, it will never be okay.
She is out there living her dream and dating a new guy.
I'm lonely in a hotel room, drinking and smoking a joint to help myself feel better, and stalking her online.
What am I doing?
I head back inside.
I need to stop sitting in this shitty feeling and do something with it.
I pick up my guitar, sit on my bed, and start playing some chords.
I have to be honest.
Painfully, brutally honest.
"I , I confess I can tell that you are at your best, I'm selfish so I'm hating it." I sing softly and play some more chords before continuing.
"I noticed that there's a piece of you in how I dress, take it as a compliment."
I sound so fucking pathetic but at least it's honest.
And very jealous.
"Don't you call him baby. We're not talking lately. Don't you call him what you used to call me."
The words are writing themselves as the lyrics leave my lips.
I pause, grab the little pad and pen that they leave on the nightstand, and write down what I have so far.
Then I pick up my guitar and continue.
I close my eyes and think of her.
"I, I just miss, I just miss your accent and your friends. Did you know I still talk to them?"
They might not tell me anything about her, but I do talk to some of them.
For dimension I find myself switching up my chord progression.
I can't help it as the next lyrics fall from my lips and I think about the day we broke up.
"Does he take you walking around his parent's gallery?"
I take a breath and pause again, needing to write this down. Then I pick up my cellphone and call Mitch. He doesn't pick up, so I call him again, and again, and again.
"Dude I'm celebrating with Sarah, what do you need?" Mitch huffs.
"I'm starting the next album, and I need your help. I'm gonna book the studio, can you come in tomorrow?" I ask.
"Are you high again?"
"No..."
"Wow, that was so convincing," Mitch says sarcastically. "and no I'm not going in tomorrow. Tour literally just ended."
"I know but-" I start.
"Take some time off to think about things."
"Mitch that's the issue. All I'm doing is thinking about things, I need to do something with these thoughts or they'll keep eating me up."
"Fine, I'll go in with you."
"Thank you."
After we hung up I ordered room service and watched "Friends".
I eventually went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning, I called to book the studio for a few weeks.
Except the studio I usually use is booked for the next two months.
It's only a small setback though because I just end up booking the studio next to it instead.
After getting ready, I go downstairs to the hotel lobby to leave amd meet Mitch.
"See you later Johnny!" The middle-aged man at the check-in counter waves as I'm heading for the doors.
I always use a fake name when I check into hotels. I started doing it when I took Naomi to New York for the first time.
It feels like that was a lifetime ago.
I smile and wave back then walk out.
The studio isn't far so I decide to walk to it today.
I could use the fresh air.
I put in my headphones so I can listen to music. Then I realize that I never listened to Naomi's songs last night.
I probably shouldn't though...
Right?
She blocked me. She doesn't want me to know anything about her or what she's doing.
And looking her up last night was a drunken mistake...
But this is public knowledge...
It's not that bad of me if I look.
I look up from my phone so I can cross the street.
As I do so I realize I'm passing an quaint indie music club.
It must be new because I haven't seen it, and I always notice places like this.
I should see who's playing and ask Mitch if he wants to go tonight. He and I haven't done something fun like that together in a while. We could use it.
I walk up to the building and see a few posters in the window of the upcoming shows. I see a few that have already happened and then I see a poster for tonight.
Naomi Lowry.
I think my jaw dropped a little, and I took a step back.
I shouldn't go.
But I really fucking want to.
Maybe if I sit in the back she won't notice me and it will be fine.
Right?
When I get to the studio I decide I want to be honest with Mitch about what I know.
"Why didn't you tell me that she put out music?" I ask him as soon as I stepped through the door.
Mitch just stares at me, guitar in hand.
"I looked her up on Instagram. I saw what's been happening." I say.
"I thought she blocked you." He sighs.
"Yeah it turns out she did, so I signed out of my account and looked her up."
"Harry that's fucking creepy dude."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask ignoring his remark.
"Because it's not my place."
"Mitch your my friend. I ask about her almost everyday. You could've told me."
"I thought if I told you that her music career was already going good, you would bombard her with the truth so you could get her back. But, Harry she really needs some time. I know you don't want to hear this, but you fucked her up. And she needs time to get her shit together." Mitch says honestly.
"That's valid... But can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah..."
"Would you tell me?" I ask.
"Tell you what?"
"If you thought she was ready to know the truth, would you let me know? Or do you think the two of us should just completely move on from each other?" I ask calmly.
I won't be mad if he says yes, I just want to know.
"Of course I would tell you Harry."
I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding in.
Maybe I would've been mad after all...
"But it's not just her who needs time, you do too." He says putting his guitar down and sitting on a stool.
"What? No I don't."
"Yeah you do. You need to get your life back in order before she enters it again."
"My life is in order." I point out.
"No it fucking isn't. I think your forgetting that my hotel room has been next to yours for the past year. I know what you do. Every night it's the same. You do a show, go back to your room, drink til your drunk, smoke a few joints, cry to 'Cherry, Cherry' by Neil Diamond-"
"Oh shut up." I snap slightly.
"What? It's embarrassing but it's true." He can't help himself from laughing.
He's right... It is true...
"So what are you saying?" I ask trying to steer away from the embarrassing topic.
"I'm saying you need to pull yourself together."
"I can't just move on Mitch-"
"I'm not asking you to move on, I'm asking you to move through. Is Naomi gonna want to come back to a drunk?" He asks.
"No, but I'll obviously stop once we're back together-"
"Harry, let me stop you right there. You realize that it's not guaranteed that she'll want to come back to you right? Like even if she knows the truth, she still might not forgive you for lying. Or she might just move on." He tries to say gently.
"Mitch-" I start because I don't need to hear this.
"You don't have to move on yet. But you do have to pull yourself together. You can't wait for the two of you to get back together to do it, because that might not ever happen... It's just the reality of the situation. I'm your friend, I have to look out for you."
I take in his words.
I don't say anything for a few moments.
I finally nod.
"So you understand?" He asks.
I nod.
A few minutes pass by of us just sitting I'm silence.
"Does she ever ask about me like I ask about her?" I ask quietly looking at the ground.
He sighs thinking about what to say.
Then he decides to just tell the truth.
"She doesn't like talking about you." He says carefully.
The sentence felt like the nail in my coffin.
I take a deep breath.
I want to cry, but I won't right now.
I'll deal with that later.
"So I'm guessing you don't think it's a good idea for me to go to her show tonight?" I ask instead.
"How do you know about that?" He asks disappointedly.
"I passed the place on the way here and saw her poster in the window. Are you and Sarah going?"
He contemplates whether he should answer or not.
"Yeah, we are. It's her first gig." He says still unsure if he should've said that.
At this point all I can think about is how proud I am of her. She's grown so much from the person she was when we met.
And she's putting on a show tonight.
That's my girl.
Well, she was.
"How's she feeling about it?" I ask.
He gives me a look saying 'you know I'm not going to tell you that'.
I didn't think he would say anything, but I was hoping he would.
"Why won't you tell me anything about her?" I probably sound whiney.
"Because you don't get to know anymore. I'm her friend too, and as her friend I think your an asshole who doesn't get to know about her life anymore." He says truthfully.
"Okay, and how about as my friend?"
"As your friend, I think you should stop moping about a girl who was lying to you for months."
"She was lying because she wanted to choose me over her career Mitch. It's not like-" I start to get defensive.
"Hey calm down. I'm just saying she still lied instead of communicating with you about what was happening. I'm not saying she's a bad person, she's obviously a great girl. I just think she and you both made wrong choices. But I still love you guys."
"Awwww...." I smile. "Mitchell you're such a softy." I tease.
"Shut the fuck up." He tries to keep a straight face but he slightly laughs.
We end up working on the song I started last night. A few hours pass by before Mitch gets a curious look on his face.
"What?" I ask confused.
"It's just... well... since you know all about Naomi's music stuff... I was just curious how you liked the songs?" He asks delicately like he's afraid of what I might do.
"I haven't listened to them yet..." I say now wishing that I had.
"Oh okay." He almost sounds relieved.
"Are they about me?"
He doesn't say anything. He contemplates. Then he finally sighs.
"Harry... Don't go to her show tonight, okay? It wouldn't do anyone any good." He doesn't sound mean, he's just saying what he thinks is right.
I nod like I'm going to fully let it go.
But now I can't.
I need to hear her songs, and know her point on view.
But she only had two released songs.
But she'll obviously sing more unreleased ones at her show...
I have to go.
I'll hide in the back.
But I also want to respect her space...
Maybe I shouldn't go.
I would love to see her...
But she told me she never wanted to see me again.
But she wouldn't see me since I would be in the back...
What the fuck am I going to do?
But then I think about something else...
The guy.
Who was the guy in those paparazzi photos?
Will he be there tonight?
I've already admitted to Mitch that I stalked her Instagram. I might as well ask him this too.
"Mitch..." I say putting my guitar down.
"Yeah..." He answers looking at me like he's preparing for the worst based off of my tone.
"One last thing about Ch- Naomi."
"Oh god, what?" He sighs.
"Who was the guy?" I ask.
Now I'm preparing for the worst.
"What guy?"
"The guy she got papped with?" I say quietly because I'm embarrassed.
"You were looking at her paparazzi photos? What the hell dude?" He rolls his eyes.
I can't blame him for reacting this way, it was a bad move on my part.
"Yeah... I know it wasn't a good idea, I just... Please tell me who he was?"
"Well I didn't see the photos so I don't know who he was." He says judgementaly.
"Is she dating anyone?" I finally ask quickly with my eyes closed.
I'm prepared for him to not say anything.
"Not really."
I open my eyes.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Nevermind it's none of my business-"
"Mitch-"
"Just stay home tonight Harry. Let her put on her show tonight in peace. She's stressed enough as it is and shouldn't have to worry about you too."
All I'm thinking about now is how I wish we were still together so I could help her through this.
I don't want to go if I'm going to add to her stresses.
But...
She wouldn't see me if I'm in the back.
I look back over at Mitch who is saving a file on a computer for the song we're working on.
"What do you want the title to be? Or at least the working title?" He asks.
"I don't know... 'Don't You Call Him Baby'?" I say without any confidence.
"Fuck no." He laughs unapproving.
I laugh too because I hate it just as much.
"Just call it..." I think for a moment.
It's an honest song, that deserves an honest title.
"Call it 'Cherry'." I say finally.