So I might've accidentally unpublished this and I've only now just realized months later....I hate myself.
Trigger Warning: Suicide is mentioned in this chapter, I'll mark a "TW" as to when and where that section is.
Hirai Momo.
Your girlfriend of two years and counting thanks to a lucky restaurant night.
How lucky could this encounter have been to make you guys date?
Well...
[FLASHBACK]
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A dating app had made the two of you cross paths.
When people found out she was on the app, she had so many matches it broke the app after deciding to go back to the app. Her breakup left her avoiding any sort of contact with a male for a while.
That and the fact that she was an idol made it even harder for her to find someone boyfriend material. She wasn't afraid to be public with her life but with the dating app announcement it almost ruined her career and life.
JYP helped her overcome that massively.
So, here she was. Looking for a date.
How did you end up in this situation then?
A mix of lost hope and boredom.
Your current job was no longer making you happy while often the free time you had was spent doing nothing. You had hobbies to make you happy but those were beginning to feel like tasks instead of fun. Enjoyment was no longer being felt from said hobbies.
You never thought you'd install a dating app.
But you had nothing else to do.
After setting up your profile, all you did was swipe. You half-heartedly looked at the people who you were matching with while drinking your water.
After a couple minutes, you paused and looked at all the profiles who you matched with.
It was a fair amount. In your opinion looks were never your specialty despite what your friends had said.
Well, friends at the time. Life after college had separated all of you, leaving you on your own.
Did it suck? Yes, but it was for the better in the end.
At least that's what your therapist said.
Ah well. She wasn't much help anyway.
Regardless, you had some females who were interested in you.
Or so you thought.
Turns out, most of them were just like you. Randomly swiping without really looking for a match.
With one exception.
Someone by the name of Hirai Momo.
Her DM was different from all the others.
Hey.
Hi.
What's up?
Nothing much. You?
Same.
Weren't you the idol that went public with her desire for a boyfriend or something?
Yep. Seems that spread pretty far and wide, huh?
Unfortunately so.
Unfortunately?
From what I've seen online, it's a bunch of desperate males wanting to date their dream girl. I'm willing to bet money none of them want you for who you are as a person.
Lmao, why'd you think I disabled comments on that one post.
Huh? I don't follow...
Twicetagram? Our Insta?
Oh, sorry, should've mentioned. I'm only saying what I saw in my feed, I don't follow K-Pop too closely.
Oh...I see.
You could tell she was disappointed with your response. You had given it a chance, yes. But it just wasn't your cup of tea.
But you had to make the most of this opportunity.
It's not that I don't like it, I just don't listen to it in all honesty.
That's ok. That's honestly probably a good thing.
Really?
Oh yeah. Do you know how many DM's and swipes I get from people who are clearly fans?
I would assume a lot given how international you are.
You know about it?
my feed is literally all K-Pop lol. It's filtered towards sports and gaming so idk why it's like that.
Gaming...maybe the recent partnerships with BTS and Blackpink?
Damn, good call. Forgot about that.
After a few more minutes chatting with her, she said good night because she said she had a photoshoot tomorrow.
You yourself went to bed, tired from tonight's exploits. You weren't supposed to get your hopes up because one, she seemed pretty famous and two, you rarely were looking for anything serious anyway.
But for the first time in a long time, you felt something different.
A positive different.
[TIMESKIP]
Fast forward a few weeks and you were waiting for this "Hirai Momo" character. The conversation had gone from casual to flirty all within a few days. Soon enough, the two of you had exchanged numbers and facetimed every so often. You brought up the idea of a restaurant date and she was more than happy to oblige.
She found a nice location and it was fancy, to say the least.
You weren't sure if you could afford anything but that was something you didn't want to bring up to her.
Especially when she was right in front of you.
"Hey (Y/N)."
You looked up to see Momo herself in front of you. Surprisingly not wearing a mask given her identity was now probably exposed.
She looked stunning.
You weren't too bad yourself.
"Hey Momo."
You stood up to greet her formerly but she pulled you in for a hug, much to your pleasant surprise.
You returned it, a blush threatening to form on your face due to the unexpected physical contact initiated by Momo.
"How are you?"
"Fine, yourself?"
"Ugh, practice was exhausting. With our tour coming up we've been putting in double the hours but it's been taking a toll on me as of late."
"Completely understandable, can't even imagine how many hours you put into choreography and singing practice."
"That's not even the half of it (Y/N)..."
She seemed mildly irritated but this was due to the fact that she was tired. You both knew that.
"Look, if you want to go home and rest, I'm not gonna stop you. We can always reschedule this."
"No, it's fine. I just...need some food."
"Isn't that why we're here in the first place?"
She childishly looked away as you could only smile at her adorableness. If she was hungry, she could've just said it.
"Hey, let's order some stuff. You must be starving."
"That's putting it mildly...what did you have in mind?"
"Well, I've never been here before so..."
"You haven't?!?! Oh this place is great, let me give you a rundown of the menu."
She excitedly gave you her two cents on what was good and what was bad as you could only giggle and nod along. Your ecstasy turned sour however once you glanced at the prices.
"Uh, Momo? It's kind of expensive here."
"Is it? I've always found this to be moderately priced."
"We're at very different points in our lives Hirai..."
It took a little bit but when she put two and two together, she realized her mistake. She was part of this world-renown K-Pop group with plenty of accolades whilst you were fresh out of college and looking for a job.
Well she didn't know you weren't in college but the point still stands.
"Oh right...I'm so sorry (Y/N), I completely spaced that. We can move if you'd like."
"No, it's fine. I'll manage."
"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. We can totally move if that's your preference, I don't mind at all."
"You sure? I don't want to seem like a nuisance."
"Nonsense (Y/N), you're not. If you were, we wouldn't have been texting for this long."
"Fair point...I saw this burger joint not too far. I know you guys have rather strict diets though, so I don't know where else to go."
"I'm not one to turn down a burger, besides who cares? I can work it off like I have before. Besides, I like working out, I need a cheat day every now and then."
"Alright...well let's go?"
"Don't gotta tell me twice."
In unison, the two of you got up out of your seats and apologetically canceled the reservation you guys had in place. You left the high end place and walked a couple blocks down south to a local favorite.
Fast forward a couple minutes and...
"MMM! Yeah screw the fancy restaurant, this is WAY better!"
"Really? Not too greasy?"
"I live with 8 other girls, greasiness runs in our veins. Besides, this stuff is actually good. Like, it's a burger I'm not gonna get tired of. How'd you find this place?"
"I'm glad you like it! And, well I kinda worked here in the past."
"Oh really?"
"Not this exact location but the same chain closer to my parent's house yes. In high school. Typically if you work at a food place you get tired of the food there but I never did, despite me consuming burgers on the weekly."
"Your figure certainly doesn't look like it."
"I appreciate that, thank you. I've been doing cross fit for a while, plus I have a dietician."
"Really?"
"Eh, kinda. My mom is one but we don't talk as often. I do remember in high school she used to be on my ass so much for my diet that I switched up real quick. She was okay with the burger stuff because she knew I worked there."
"And she gave you workouts and stuff?"
"Dietician Momo, not personal trainer. I was already pretty active but my diet wasn't the best. Mom was able to get that back on track and help me with my body."
"That's pretty sweet, you must get good but healthy food."
"That's the catch, she wasn't the best cook."
Momo, despite taking a bite of her burger, couldn't resist letting out a hearty guffaw as she covered her mouth with her hand.
"Wait, are you serious?"
"Dead ass my friend. She knew the healthy shit but doesn't mean she knew how to make it."
"Who did then?"
"Dad or my sis. I can cook better now but back then those two were the main sources of my protein."
"Ah, I see. You're 23 right?"
"Yep."
"Are you in college?"
"Graduated not too long ago. Bacherlor's in software engineering."
"Oh, that's cool! What do you plan to do with it?"
"Well initially I was planning on starting at like Microsoft or something and work my way up but the idea of creating my own software sounds appealing to."
"What would you make?"
"Probably something security based, scammers and fraudulent people are popping up more and more as of late. I want to fight back against that."
"Sounds personal."
"Well...I may or may not have been on the receiving end of a scam deal not too long ago."
"Really? What happened?"
"Oh you're in for a treat. Only if you're up for it though."
"I got all night (Y/N), go for it."
And thus, the night officially began.
[FLASHBACK END]
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That night was still fresh on your mind as you reflected fondly on the memories the two of you had made so far. You sighed in content knowing that this special girl was all yours.
That feeling of content turned sour as you realized why you called her over to your apartment in the first place.
Momo began to seem a little...distant. Her actions didn't reflect her words and she wasn't as enthusiastic during video calls.
It was a drastic change from the energetic Momo you were used to.
You had to confront her.
"Momo? We need to talk."
Momo hesitated before nodding. She waved bye to her friend before entering the apartment.
"What's up (Y/N)?"
"Um...there's something I need to get off my chest."
Momo for a second became slightly concerned before going back to a poker face.
Not a good sign at all.
You took a deep breath before continuing.
"Look, over the past couple of weeks, you've been acting a little strange lately. You haven't responded to my texts, you don't seem to want to hang out, and whenever we do, you seem distracted. Is something wrong? I don't like-"
"For fuck's sake (Y/N)! This is exactly why I don't tell you anything anymore, you're way too obsessed over me! Just let me live my own life!"
"That isn't what I was imply-"
"That is exactly what you are implying (Y/N)! You make it your mission to check up on me when I don't need it!"
"Momo, I-"
She stormed off in a huff. Before she left though, she left you one last message.
"I'm gonna go talk to JYP about your resignation. We're done here."
As she left your apartment, you realized why people held in their feelings.
To prevent backlash like this.
TIMESKIP (1 year)
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Momo was currently watching a basketball game between the Lakers and the Heat. She had nothing else to do as Twice's schedule was surprisingly empty. Nayeon was off somewhere else, the three youngsters were fighting over Wii Sports, Sana and Mina were doing...something while Jihyo and Jeongyeon were baking a Thomas cake because Jihyo lost a bet.
Sighing out of boredom, she opened up her phone as it was currently a commercial break. She clicked on the Snap Chat app and was immediately met with a flashback.
It was of the two of you two years ago at an escape room. You two had broken the place's record for the fastest time on the hardest room despite it being only two people.
It was all smiles. How that changed quickly.
Despite shaking her head to try and get rid of the memories, they wouldn't go away. Ever since that night, she had to explain your sudden resignation.
It didn't go down well with Twice, hence the current ostracization. They weren't happy with how she handled the situation and her stubbornness. She insisted you were at fault when they were trying to convince her it wasn't like that. After a couple weeks, they gave up and left her to figure it out herself.
The chemistry was lacking unbeknownst to everyone, including JYP. Anytime they were on camera, they seemed like the usual, tight-knit unit they always were.
Off camera however it was a completely different story. Aside from the occasional greetings and such, Twice rarely hung out as a group anymore.
Momo had lost them a brother who had done so much for them.
With a heavy heart, she turned off her phone and curled up on the couch. After a couple minutes, a singular tear ran down her cheek.
She had finally realized what she had done. Question was, would Twice forgive her?
Not only that, would you come back?
[MEANWHILE]
TW
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You were chilling on a bridge over an ocean. You were overlooking the scenery as you sighed in exhaustion.
You were done. With everything.
Just thought you'd get one last look of nature before you go.
The breakup plus the loss of your job took a toll on you as you had lost your two sources of happiness. You were left with nothing except a small apartment you had managed to rent out. Your life had revolved around these nine and with them gone the year you had by yourself was a very difficult one. Despite a variety of part-time jobs and attempted hobbies, nothing felt fulfilling anymore.
As you sat on the bridge and looked out at the ocean, you heard footsteps. A quick glance out of the corner of your eye and you knew immediately who it was.
Nayeon.
The fan-made bunny sneakers she wore was eye-catching. You turned back around towards the ocean. The only sounds present were the wind blowing and the water flowing. Sitting there however, you realized something.
This matched the photo Nayeon showed you that painful night she lost a close friend of hers. You then figured out why she was here.
This was where he died. She was probably paying her respects.
A memory began to trigger as you let yourself wallow into the recollection.
FLASHBACK (See if you can recognize which of my oneshots this is alluding to)
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You were waiting for Nayeon'a arrival so you could go to sleep.
The other members of Twice were out cold. From your knowledge, Nayeon told the members of Twice that she'd be arriving a little late so they wouldn't have to worry about her.
A strange request, but they seemed to buy it.
She wasn't answering your calls, so you knew something was up. You knew better than to rush her home though, you wanted to give her some space.
But time was ticking. You were very close to going out there yourself and looking for her.
It was very late.
As you were prepared to rush outside, the door opened. In walked a somber looking Nayeon. She quietly closed the door and silently walked over to you.
"Nayeon?"
No response.
Slightly terrified, you leaned back away from her scared of what she might do.
She hugged you without a word and began sobbing.
Hard.
You quickly led her to your room so she wouldn't wake up the others. You did her best to comfort her as she cried. The lack of tears meant one thing.
Something really bad had happened. She had already cried her eyes out and wasn't capable of producing anymore.
What the fuck had happened?
Without saying anything, you turned Nayeon's head towards you so you could get a good look at her face.
Plenty of tear stains. Red eyes with no moisture.
Not good. Not good at all.
You pulled her in for a hug once again as you tried to convey any sort of comfort that would help Nayeon.
Based on her reaction so far, this would leave quite the scar. You didn't want to ask the obvious question. But how else would you figure out what was wrong?
"Nayeon, what just happened out there? Are you ok?"
In response, she pulled out a letter from her coat pocket and handed it to you. You rushed to open it up and began reading the contents. As your eyes skimmed each word, you heart dropped with each word you read.
The best friend she had brought over once was gone.
You dropped the letter on the counter and stared at Nayeon in both shock and disappointment.
Now was not the time to scold her however, she needed comfort, badly.
You approached Nayeon and softly brought her into your arms again. You didn't know how to help out but one thing was clear.
Nayeon was hurting. And she would be hurting for a long time.
Silence took over the room as the two of you sat there not knowing what to do or say. All the other members were asleep.
Except for one.
You heard footsteps approaching and quickly let go of Nayeon as she did the same. Not that physical affection wasn't a thing between you and the girls but it was still instinctual to let go. Already having been almost been caught once after simply side hugging Jihyo, friendly interactions were limited to just greetings and high fives/fist bumps.
At the dorm platonic hugging was much more prominent, with the obvious exception of Momo as she was your girlfriend but it was still a much more comfortable atmosphere here than in public.
As the mystery person approached, it was Momo scavenging for a midnight snack. Clearly disoriented, she didn't even see the two of you at the sink counter as she made her way to the fridge and hunted for food. After finding a solitary apple, she closed the fridge. She turned around and started to make her way back to bed.
The sight of the two of you seemed to wake her up a little.
"(Y/N)? Nayeon? What are you two doing here?"
You and Nayeon exchanged a knowing look and frantically communicated telepathically. After a brief conversation, Nayeon stepped forward.
"Momo, can we talk real quick?"
Confused but also worried, Momo shot you a quick look of questioning before following Nayeon to the living room.
As you were not left alone, you slumped into the chair and were left to mull over what had just transpired before you. It felt like a bad dream, all this did.
'I really hope I'm not in that position one day. I don't even want to know how Twice would react if I were in his shoes...'
[FLASHBACK END]
You then realized. You were selfish.
These types of battles are ultimately your own to fight. People will help you along the way, but they shouldn't fight it for you.
It's your brain, so it's your responsibility to finish strong. It'll be hard, but trust me you got this. Just find the right people who will be willing to help you out.
You forgot that most of Twice cared for you. Your time as a manager had allowed you to create friendships you never thought you'd be able to make. Twice had always treated you like a brother, with the exception of Momo. She treated you like a special someone because you were someone special to her.
Key word. Were.
Now, you were left empty-handed. But even if Momo hated your guts you knew she wouldn't stoop that low to wish death upon you.
You had to fight.
You didn't know what or who you were fighting for.
All you knew was that you had to persevere.
With immense mental strength, you pushed yourself up and off the edge and walked away. You knew better than to selfishly put your needs above others. People did care for you, you knew your death would mentally affect people.
Even if you wanted to be left alone there were better options than suicide.
Even thought that was what you wanted to do.
But you had to fight.
You silently walked away from the bridge and back towards your apartment.
Not before a voice stopped you though.
"(Y/N)?"
You froze in your tracks and turned around.
It was Nayeon. You forgot she was there.
"Oh. Uh, hey."
"What are you doing here?"
"Just walking around."
Nayeon eyed you suspiciously before lunging towards you for a hug.
"(Y/N), I saw what happened. I already lost someone close to me I can't lose you too. You know how broken I was, imagine eight others feeling the same way. People do care for you. They really do. They may not show it at time but think of it this way. If-"
"Nayeon, the only thing you're doing in life is gathering people for your funeral. Worst part is you won't even be able to see who shows up."
You had her there. Nothing but facts were spoken. (This is a mentality I don't like to think about but it's so true it hurts.)
She let go of you and sighed.
"Point is (Y/N), please think twice. I know what Momo said to you hurts to this day but that doesn't mean she wants you dead. I guarantee you she'd be there crying just as hard as all of us should you be six feet under."
"I know, but I'm never gonna know who actually shows up. Like I said, as much as I'm curious as to who would be there, it doesn't mean jack shit because I'll never be able to find out who attended. No matter when you die, unless some miracle happens or you fake your own death, who shows up will always remained an unsolved mystery."
"That's not a good mentality to have (Y/N)..."
"What do I have to lose at this point?"
"A human life that's irreplaceable."
She had a point. Objects can be easily replaced. Human lives can't. A human life has no price because you can't buy it back once you lose it.
"(Y/N), you do realize once you're gone, you're gone right? As much as you want to disappear from this earth, no one can replace you. No one. Even if you had an identical twin to the very bone that person wouldn't be able to replace you. There is no clone of you. You are unique. And that's what makes you so special (Y/N)."
Once again, tears began to well up in her eyes. Only difference was, you began to tear up as well.
Without a word, you and Nayeon lunged at each other, each trying to comfort each other through their own struggles.
It was relieving for Nayeon that she didn't lose another close friend. It was relieving for you that you didn't let yourself get pushed over the edge to the point of no return.
It was almost disheartening to see the energetic self that the girls knew now gone. Well, you've been gone for about a year now but for Nayeon it hurt to see you in such a state.
TW
She was one of the most vocal advocates in trying to get you to stay but you couldn't manage it anymore, especially with the situation revolving around you and Momo. The tension was way too high and despite attempts to resist, you granted Momo's request to resign and leave your position as Twice's manager.
It was heartbreaking but you knew that the situation had escalated out of control and you couldn't fix it. You'd have numbers by your side, sure, but it was almost impossible to have things go back to what they were.
You also didn't want to ruin the dynamic or force Momo out of Twice. That would've killed you.
You still kept in touch with most of Twice, getting updates and such in regards to comebacks, life updates, or just a call every once in a while.
Hangouts were out of the picture because one, it was dangerous and two, they were just too busy. But you were ok with that.
After you and Nayeon had your little moment, you walked her back to her dorm while then walking back to your own apartment. The aforementioned part-time jobs were no longer a necessity as you had a pleasant surprise waiting on your laptop.
You weren't jobless for too long as you found an online software engineering offer that you couldn't turn down. Having graduated with a degree in software engineering, this was right up your ally. Plus you could stay home and meet up via Zoom with your co-worker which was nice.
You never really wanted to leave Korea.
Nayeon told the others what had transpired today and you were immediately flooded with several text messages and calls from concerned members of Twice who were checking in on you.
You were hit with a reality check as you realized that you were stupid as hell. Literally all of these people cared about you. Why were you feeling despair?
But, it happens though. Despite having all of these luxuries at your disposal sometimes people seek satisfaction beyond their own capabilities.
I've been there before, I'm sure some of you have to.
Just know I'm always here if you're ever feeling down. My message box is open for a reason.
Anyway.
A few months had passed since that whole fiasco and you were faring much better. Your knowledge of multiple mechanics in regards to software had gotten you a quick promotion.
Your attitude has impressed the higher-ups as well.
The girls themselves were up to their usual selves, haven forgiven Momo even though she hadn't quite forgiven herself yet.
That would take a lot of time, or unless she met you by chance.
;)
With their newest song available on all streaming platforms, they were on a well-deserved break after countless promotions and performances.
The living room was strewn with various members of Twice who were either resting, sleeping, or watching some videos on their phone.
One thing was clear, they were all exhausted and needed to recover. Luckily their schedule was free for the next few weeks or so. This left them to do whatever they pleased without too much hassle.
One member in particular was going to take advantage of the free time.
"Hey, I'm gonna go meet someone. I'll let you know how it goes."
"Good luck with him Momo, I know it's been while. Remember to just not make it awkward."
"Thank you Sana, but that's near impossible given what has occurred. I just hope it doesn't turn sour."
"It won't. You and I both know he's not the type to lose his cool."
"I know Sana, it still wouldn't hurt to take a precautionary stance."
"I understand that, but you know him better than any of us do. Go on Momo, do what needs to be done."
With a curt nod, Momo headed out the dorm and towards a nearby coffee shop. A Peruvian style café, Momo was impressed at how her acquaintance had managed to find such a stylish place to meet.
Said person wasn't too hard to spot as he showed up in black sweats, a red hoodie, and white sneakers.
A bit of a trademark of yours to say the least.
"(Y/N)?"
You turned around to find the person you had texted a few minutes ago.
"Momo. Hey. Take a seat."
You instinctively got up and pulled a chair out for her. Just like you did the very first night you two met.
"Thanks."
She sat down across from you as you sipped the espresso you ordered.
"Want anything? I can cover."
"I'm ok, thank you though."
The unavoidable silence began to settle in as neither of you two were able to make the first move. There were so many questions that were waiting to be asked but to ask said questions was going to take a lot of courage to ask.
"So, nice comeback. Listened to it before I got here."
"Oh did you? How was it?"
"Pretty good. Not gonna lie, wasn't expecting the change in approach."
"It was a new concept wasn't it?"
"Definitely, it felt a little fresh. What have you been up to, it's been a while."
Momo was taken aback by how smoothly you were running the conversation. She was expecting a conversation full of tension, awkwardness, and constant interruptions but yet here you were, seemingly prepared.
Truth was, you were. You hated awkward atmospheres and made it your mission to break the ice. You brought along an easy icebreaker, hence the question about the comeback, and you planned on guiding the conversation towards the breakup.
Easier said than done, no?
"Oh, uh, just promotions I guess. We finished our last stage on MBC few days back so we're on vacation for a few weeks. What about you?"
"Funny you mention promotions, I actually got one not too long ago."
"Really? Congrats (Y/N)! What job?"
"Thanks Momo. Software engineering. I used to be just an engineer but I got promoted to assistant advisor. Now I have a say in more of our marketing endeavors."
"Nice man, happy for you. What's it like?"
"Well, obviously you know I graduated with a degree in software engineering, so it's more of the same. This company specializes in computer software though so our goal is to create the best software out there. Best security, runs the smoothest, best pixels per frame, etc."
"Are you guys a subsidiary of some sort?" (A company controlled by a holding company)
"Nah, we're a start up business. The goal is to overtake Microsoft but we gotta work for that. We got a few stockholders that are rather famous so we've made a lot of progress."
"Nice...that's awesome (Y/N). I'm so happy for you dude."
"Thank you Momo, that means a lot. You guys as well, constantly evolving. It's impressive as hell. It's certainly showed your evolution as artists from back then."
The moment you said back then, Momo immediately averted her gaze elsewhere as the flashbacks began to arise.
Of what they had.
"Momo, I know you didn't want to talk about what happened but we both know we'd rather get this over sooner rather than later. You always told me not to run away from my problems."
"Is this why you were so keen on holding a conversation?"
"The faster we solve this, the faster we can move on from this issue."
"Oh so you wanted to get rid of me?"
"That's not what I was told that night. Don't jump to conclusions Hirai, that was always your biggest flaw."
"As if you didn't have any flaws of your own."
You sighed as you were expecting Momo to get defensive in regards to the break up. She seemed fine literally moments ago but now...it was almost like you were re-living that night.
However, Momo was all but defensive. In fact, she wanted to hear you out, she wanted to resolve the issue, she wanted to get this over with just as much as you did.
But the walls she had put up in regards to you were beginning to show once again and she was fighting to break them down herself so the two of you could communicate.
Taking a deep breath, she made the first move.
"I'm sorry, it's just...when you left, I had to struggle with your absence. I pushed you away, I'll admit that. And I know it's irrational of me to even say anything when you came off of it worse. There's a small part of me that still wants to blame everything on you and I've been trying to wrestle with my stubbornness. I didn't mean to get defensive then just now, I just wish things would've ended more smoothly."
A good start in your eyes. Didn't do much to curb the growing feeling of exasperation as you were beginning to feel like this meeting was a bad idea.
"What was had was great (Y/N), don't get me wrong. But now...it feels strange. I can't explain what I'm feeling right now."
"What about...back then?"
The pain in your tone was obvious and Momo hated it. She knew she fucked up bad and she wasn't ready for how much you went through.
"I...don't know. When I snapped at you and essentially ended things between not only us, but also you and Twice, the girls actually rounded on me and told me off. Rightfully so because I was stupid, so utterly stupid for complaining about you being too dependent on me. I should've done a better job of setting a boundary that you never really crossed. I was too shallow, and that's on me."
She was slowly opening up to you about things.
"It's confusing (Y/N), when alone in my room, I'm swimming in regret and thinking about my actions. But the minute I saw you it's like a switch turned on in my head and I went into defensive mode. Why? I just don't understand any of it..."
You were beginning to understand behind Momo's words. Seems her way of coping was to block out the person who caused her pain instead of reaching out and trying to find a solution.
To each their own.
"Break ups are never easy Momo. It makes sense that you kind of lost touch with reality as it was such a drastic change that happened so sudden. It also makes sense that you kinda shut down when you saw me, I fully get it. Facing your problems takes courage Momo, and it means a lot that you accepted my request to meet up today."
"It still doesn't excuse my actions though."
"Doesn't have to. Taking baby steps is a good place to start. Not everything has to be solved quickly, things take time to resolve itself."
Even during the relationship, you were the anchor in which held things down. You were often the one people came to for advice.
You never reached out as you didn't want to impose.
"Enough about me though, how are you holding up (Y/N)? I can't imagine how rough it was for you as I was the wedge the drove you away from your job and your friends."
You were debating on whether to spill the details or spare her the explanation. Either route would most likely lead to some sort of reconciliation but you knew that telling her everything was risky.
You decided to take your chances and refrain from telling your side of the story.
If she really wanted to know, she could ask one of the members. They knew what happened, Nayeon in particular.
"It was really hard in all honesty. After we broke up and that whole fiasco happened...I lost touch with myself and had a rough couple of months. Up until the promotion I mentioned earlier my only job was taking care of you guys, that was it. So uh, yeah it was kinda shitty."
You refused to mention the bridge scene, no chance that was going to be brought up.
"Fuck, I didn't realize that being our manager was your only source of income...how'd you manage financially?"
"Barely. It paid well so I was fine for a few weeks but the bills began to rack up and I couldn't keep up. I just about managed to pull through and hold on long enough for the new job I have right now.
"Is there a chance of...uh...maybe coming back as Twice's manager?"
You sighed heavily as you knew this question was coming sooner or later.
Even during your job at the software company, you constantly thought about what if you had stayed with Twice? Would you have been in a better place mentally? Physically? Financially? These nine girls were a blessing for you because they made you feel special. They really did. There was never an ounce of tension and it was genuinely some of the happiest days of your lives.
You always thought about if the opportunity arose again whether or not you would take upon that offer. Even if it meant you and Momo would be at odds half the time.
Before your job, you were hell-bent on yes. Now, you weren't so sure.
You honestly couldn't give a clear answer.
"(Y/N)?"
Lost in thought, you warped back into reality.
"Hm?"
"You zoned out for a second there. Everything alright?"
"Yeah, yeah. I'm good. Just thinking about this you know?"
"Take your time, I'm in no rush."
You were pondering upon this and were weighing up your options. If you went back, you'd be reunited with essentially the people who were your best friends, plus you'd get a chance to rekindle your relationship with Momo.
If you turned down the offer, you'd be able to keep improving what you and the team had been working on and have the opportunity to create a masterpiece. You'd also be pursuing your passion. Mastering your craft was something you've always enjoyed, and this software was no different.
You've always been the type to put others before yourselves, but for this one time, you were going to be selfish.
And you know, that's ok. Being selfish is not always a bad thing because you come first. You should do what's best for yourself and not others.
Obviously be kind to each other and all that, but taking care of yourself is absolutely crucial.
I've gone off story too many times, I apologize.
Let's get back on track.
You really wanted to spend time with Twice again on a daily basis, you really did.
But sometimes, to get something you want you have to lose something as well. Sacrifices are a necessity at times.
"Momo, it really was such a fun time with all of you. But I can't just walk away from this job when we're in the process of making something that could potentially change technology. I just can't. I'm sorry Momo, I really am but I can't risk not taking advantage of this opportunity."
"I understand (Y/N). It's ok."
The more the answer settled in, the more horrible you began to feel as you realized the gravity of the situation. Momo was probably expecting you to decline but it didn't make you feel any better.
Sensing your regret, Momo wanted to alleviate your feelings of stress.
"Hey (Y/N), look at me."
You looked up to see Momo staring right at you, eyes full of a mixture of emotions. You were expecting to see eyes full of hurt, sadness, regret, hell even anger. You knew this wasn't an easy favor for her to ask so you were kind of expecting the worst.
You were met with eyes that had all of the above but they were laced with something you haven't seen in her for a long time.
Intent.
While dating, the two of you would often communicate through eye contact alone because sometimes words weren't needed. This was one of those times.
"It's fully ok (Y/N), it really is. In all honesty I think it's better if you keep working on whatever it is you're doing. Seems like the job's not really flexible with its hours."
"No they are, there's just a lot of risks that I'm not willing to take."
"That's super fair (Y/N). I'm not mad at you in any way, shape or form."
"You're not?"
"Not in the slightest. So much has happened since then and some changes were bound to happen. It's normal. It's really ok (Y/N)."
You looked for any trace of lies in both her words and her eyes.
There were none. Nothing but the truth was spoken and you couldn't detect any bullshit.
"If you're sure...thanks Momo."
"It's the least I could do (Y/N)."
"I appreciate that. I should probably let you go now, you girls must be busy."
"We're actually on a break, but you're right. I need to go. It's my turn to run errands for the girls."
"Oh no that's completely understandable. You should go and do that."
"I will."
"I needed this though, thanks Hirai. I'm glad we could sort this out sooner rather than later."
"Of course. I'm glad we could discuss this. Take all the time you need (Y/N), you know we'll be here."
With one last nod, you walked out of the coffee shop and back towards your apartment. As if you thought life couldn't get any better after your promotion, you had fixed the one hole in your life you thought was going to be permanently broken.
You definitely didn't see yourself ever talking to Momo again after your breakup but you were very glad you did.
The past few months had taught you some very important life lessons. It had taught you a lot about growth, pain, adjustments, but most importantly, about life itself.
Especially the following lesson right here.
As much as you want to disappear from this earth, no one can replace you. No one.
You are irreplaceable.
So uh...fuck. Didn't mean to unpublish this.
I guess enjoy the once in a lifetime double update from me. College starts soon so I'm trying to grind some writing out before I leave.
It's going to be a very busy year for me.
As always, be safe, be kind, be awesome.
Love all of you.
Auf Wiedersehen.
ICW 11